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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Child-free’ wedding

337 replies

BeZanyUmberBird · 28/05/2025 12:49

I know this is a contentious issue but my fiancé and I always intended to have a child-free wedding. We sent out the invitations 3 months ago and everyone worked it out. In our circles most people don’t have children or were keen to have a day away from them to have a relaxing time! The other day my fiancé’s brother sent him a message saying that he was really upset his son wasn’t invited (10) and that we needed to invited him or his wife wouldn’t come.
without dripfeeding, this boy is a PITA and we don’t really know him. Despite him being family he never engages with us when we see him and is more interested in his Nintendo switch. I’m keen for us to stick to what we decided but my DF has been guilt tripped into saying he can come. Now I’m annoyed because a) I feel like we’ve been emotionally manipulated into saying yes and b) DF didn’t discuss it with me. He says we can go back on it but then I’ll look like the AH for putting my foot down and it’ll be awkward. I also feel bad because I know my bridesmaids would have loved to have their kids there and have bent over backwards to sort out childcare. AIBU? Or what do I do? Suck it up?

OP posts:
Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 28/05/2025 16:53

this boy is a PITA and we don’t really know him

Why hasn’t your STB DH made more of an effort to get to know his ten year old nephew?

I think your fiancé is at fault here. He shouldn’t have changed his mind and invited the nephew after all without telling you and he shouldn’t barely know his brother and best man’s child.

Neither of you sound very nice to be honest. Just explain to your bridesmaids what’s happened.

Catsandcannedbeans · 28/05/2025 16:53

As someone who made a lot of compromises for family in my wedding - stick to your guns. Me and DP both agree if we could go back in time we would elope, our parents would have got over it. By the time it actually came to my wedding day I was sick and tired of it all, and annoyed I’d been too much of a wuss to get the day I wanted. We did have a blast at the after party tho, but that’s because we snuck off for some of it and by the time we came back it had turned into an absolute rager.

It’s your wedding. It’s about you. Ours wasn’t child free, and I actually found it funny when my DN tried to run off during the ceremony, but I know most people would not. Having children there does add another level of stress, and if you’re someone who’s dreamed about their wedding for a long time and wants things a specific way, I would say going child free is a shout.

TryingToBeHelpful267 · 28/05/2025 16:59

Well it’s too late now 🤷🏻‍♀️

Blame your fiance.

Noodles1234 · 28/05/2025 17:00

i think if you both want a child free wedding you should have it. Just politely decline (firmly). If it was a DN you were close to fair enough, but if not others may take a slight theirs was not invited.
I say this as I wanted one and gave in and it still grates me I didn’t stick to my original plans.

Diarygirlqueen · 28/05/2025 17:01

So many threads re child free weddings. I loved going to weddings as a child and I love seeing children at them!
I acknowledge it's your day but not to invite your nephew is mean spirited! I have never experienced this.
I think weddings are becoming more image based and less to do with family and it's so bloody sad.

spanishcheese · 28/05/2025 17:02

OP I love that you're having your great aunts as flower girls .... That's class !

As far as you being manipulated into having a bratty child at your do.... Dump it back on your DF with the expectation he has to manage the situation, including dealing with other guests queries on the matter and ensuring his brother and wife keep the child under control at all times while being hosted by you both.

Have a lovely day.

ItsFineReally · 28/05/2025 17:03

BeZanyUmberBird · 28/05/2025 13:43

Ok, I think it was a bit harsh calling me a princess!
I love children, I love my friends’ children but we decided to have a child-free wedding.

Whether or not my future nephew is a PITA (he is, BTW) universally agreed by most of the family. I have tried with him, repeatedly, since he was 3 years old and neither I or any of my future family can get manners or even acknowledgement from him when we visit. Even his grandparents (my DFs parents) are increasingly reluctant to babysit for them anymore.

the issue is do we make an exception for a nephew or do I stand my ground on the decision we made months ago rather than a character assassination of me please.

My fiancé and his brother are very close - they ran a business together for many years.

Are you having a traditional church ceremony, wedding breakfast, evening reception? If so, then is there a compromise to only invite him to a portion of the day?

If not, then I think others would be understanding of the decision to make an exception for a nephew (albeit I get that it grates if it's been done through emotional blackmail). If you put your foot down, how will it affect your partner's relationship with his brother?

Italiandreams · 28/05/2025 17:05

It’s tricky isn’t it. I agree it’s your wedding and your decision so your FIL was wrong to say your soon to be nephew could come. My question is did your BIL wife threaten not to come or did she simply decline the invite. If my SIL got married and no children were allowed I would have to decline, and guess could be accused of threatening not to come because all our childcare options would be at the wedding! I would be disappointed but would understand , however it could be twisted that I am refusing to go.

travelallthetime · 28/05/2025 17:08

Hey OP, im with you, kids at weddings fill me with horror, when mine were little, even if they were invited, they weren't bloody coming. Weddings are dull as dishwater for kids.
But, youve posted on here where everyone is super precious about having kids at weddings so you will get the horror filled 'how dare you leave my cherub out' responses.
Stick to your guns and let them leave sil at home if they cant find anyone to have him.

cinnamonda · 28/05/2025 17:08

Disco2022 · 28/05/2025 12:55

I think child free weddings are rubbish, it's a family event some of my favourite memories as a child are at family weddings, and I loved all the children dancing and playing at mine, they really upped the vibe!
Just let children come and I'm sure you won't notice on the day because you'll just be all happy with getting married.

This!

WildflowerConstellations · 28/05/2025 17:09

Coffeemat · 28/05/2025 13:43

We attended a friends wedding years ago, we had kids at the time.
It was kids free, no issue as it was local.
Some cousin of the bride turned up with a 12 year old girl, husband and she were part of our table.
She never shut up.
Dominated the conversation despite being asked to tone it down by two people at the table, not by her parents I might add.

We finished the main course and we had enough.
We left the table and had our desert in the garden.
We were quickly followed by 8 others.
It was appallingly rude of the parents to not ask her to give it a rest.
They smiled indulgently, most bizarre.

I heard afterwards that she had been specifically told no to bringing her child by the bride.

She just ignored it and turned up.
The bride was very pissed off and told her mother and aunt just how upset she was after the wedding.
There was a big family fallout.

It certainly ruined the meal for us and others as the empty table was testament to.

Some 10-12 years could happily join a table and know how to behave, but not all.

What!? I don't get how a 12 year old can ruin a meal at a wedding by talking too much!?!? Was she monologuing loudly during the speeches or something?

MyDeftDuck · 28/05/2025 17:15

One of the reasons my DD decided to get married abroad….during term time….that sorted it for her and the groom. There were no pre-school children in the mix either. The wedding was absolute bliss!

Thatsrhesummeroverthen · 28/05/2025 17:18

They should be pushily inviting their child, but your husband to be really should "know" his own nephew. Of course he wants to play his switch - talk to him about that fgs!

SheridansPortSalut · 28/05/2025 17:19

Yabu for calling a 10 year old a pita for not engaging with you. He's a child ffs. The day will come when you'll cringe for having said that. Would you let him come if he fawned over you?

Ask yourself, is it really worth your wedding going down in family history as the day that started the family rift?

NormalMeh · 28/05/2025 17:21

MissJoGrant · 28/05/2025 13:18

Some ten year olds ARE a pain in the arse!

OP, I'm having a child-free wedding. Only one person has complained a bit and I sorted it with a phone call.

Show quote history

People don’t complain because they are polite!

NormalMeh · 28/05/2025 17:22

OP your fiance was being a dick to sanction this without discussing it with you first.

You were both behaving like dicks for wanting to exclude his nephew.

Both things can be true.

ForPlumReader · 28/05/2025 17:34

I love a child-free wedding, it means I don't need to go. I would guess those saying they're looking forward to a child-free party either have childcare on tap or are saying it just to be polite.

ScribblingPixie · 28/05/2025 17:34

Your fiance made a decision based on his relationship with his brother, which it sounds like is very important to him. I wouldn't step in the way of that, and would let the invitation stand even though it's not what you wanted. I also wouldn't bitch about the nephew or the decision to anyone. This kid is 10 and it will always reflect badly on you.

YouMustBeTheWeasleys · 28/05/2025 17:36

I think YABU op. I think it’s absolutely fine to limit children at weddings and not invite the children of friends or distant relatives but siblings, nieces and nephews should be included as an exception to the child free rule. They are core family and shouldn’t be excluded from a major family event

prelovedusername · 28/05/2025 17:38

OP, leaving your child with someone else so that you can attend a wedding isn’t relaxing, for many people it’s inconvenient, expensive and stressful.

You’re paying for the wedding so you have a perfect right to say what you want, but understand that people will come in spite of the child free rule, not because of it.

Americano75 · 28/05/2025 17:41

TipsyRaven247 · 28/05/2025 15:00

After the latest update from OP, it’s clear there are deeper issues here, beyond the BIL child fiasco. This is triggering red flags all over.

Yeah, it's not really about the 10 year old is it?

helpmeCalifornia · 28/05/2025 17:42

Pretty much every wedding I’ve been to in the last 25 years ish has been child-free except children of immediate family. Everyone on mumsnet hates childfree weddings but in my experience they are absolutely the norm - except for nieces and nephews.

Which is exactly what we did too by the way.

MissJoGrant · 28/05/2025 17:43

NormalMeh · 28/05/2025 17:21

People don’t complain because they are polite!

Show quote history

Good!

SunshineAndFizz · 28/05/2025 17:44

pinkyredrose · 28/05/2025 13:00

Why the hell did your fiance invite him? He needs to message back immediately and say sorry no can do, he said yes under pressure but on reflection realises it takes the piss out of everyone who arranged childcare plus it was always going to be a child free wedding.

Is your fiance scared of his brother?

I agree with this.

Personally I think child free weddings are great and if you don’t want kids there that’s fine. But you have to accept some parents won’t make it due to childcare though.

So

Aria999 · 28/05/2025 17:45

OP I'm late to the thread and have only read your replies but I am with you. I think you need to put your foot down and suck up looking like the bad guy. Your partner should not have agreed to anything without discussing it with you.

the fact that there are others with children who could not really be left out if you invited this child is a perfectly reasonable excuse.

I don't imagine the 10 year old especially wants to go anyway!

if you want a compromise option you could hire a babysitter and have a separate area where any kids could hang out at key moments, and then allow your friends to bring their kids on this basis too.