Husband keeps having accidents with 15mo

[newmumabouttown]

My DS is 15 months old. My DH is incredibly accident prone. I have tried to talk to him calmly, I’ve also more frequently lost my temper. I’ve tried to approach conversations with seriousness, explain repercussions, but I feel he’s just not listening. Monday he closed the dishwasher and didn’t see our son had his fingers in it and trapped them. Just now, he had his wardrobe open with DS under him but was choosing an outfit and didn’t see DS trap his fingers in hinge. It is destroying our relationship as I keep thinking I just need to get him away / out.
I know he cares, as he can be loving, but I feel like he doesn’t care enough to be on alert all the time or make adjustments. I don’t know what to do… feeling lost.
Also, just to add it’s not just with our DS. He’s constantly stepping on my feet. I had an operation recently and when we were in car he accidentally hit where I’d been cut, and then seconds later slipped changing gear and punched my leg. It wasn’t deliverable, but it’s hard not to feel like it is when it’s so frequent.

Most men lack spatial awareness, first day out after my major surgery I was knocked into the road by a man walking fast down the road towards me, nearly ran over by a car and backed into by a big man with a pushchair. I went home. I just didn't feel safe.

It's important to get a diagnosis to each person for different reasons, even if it doesn't change anything.

I mentioned on another post that before my diagnosis of autism, which isn't a treatable or curable condition by any stretch, I was labelled alsorts of things: Drama queen, primadonna, crazy, selfish, controlling, bitchy, cagey, etc.

After my diagnosis I was just labelled autistic.

Where people criticised my shortcomings they were able to muster some empathy instead and my self esteem stopped being through the floor because I knew myself better.

My self esteem being through the floor and being told I "just wasn't trying hard enough" was what stopped me seeking a diagnosis in the first place. I can imagine that would stop a lot of people getting a diagnosis if they just felt it was some sort of personal failing that they could beat out of themselves.

My family could research my neurodevelopmental disorder and put strategies in place rather than shout me down for struggling and causing an inconvenience to everyone else.

Externally the only support you're likely to be offered for dyspraxia is OT, and that is hard enough to get for people just recently discharged from hospital or the elderly so I wouldn't bet on that being a realistic option, but if you and your husband understand the disability better, you can both start working on strategies together, but be mindful that what works for some won't work for others, and at the same time, it's important to try and teach your child not to put their fingers in things and accept the possibility that perhaps your child also lacks spacial awareness to a degree larger than his peer group too so you need strategies for both your child and your husband.

Tell him he needs to be more aware of his surroundings and more cautious especially around your DS. Think and check before he acts. Does he rush around a lot in a hurry? I'd be fuming, odd accident fair enough but not constant like this with a baby.

Whoa I definitely want to solve it, that’s why I was looking for help. What I mean by labelling is that it won’t solve anything, but focusing on solutions will help. I’ve reached out to therapist to talk it through as by diagnosing what’s going on, regardless of label, we can look at best tools. I’ve just suggested this to DH and he’s open for doing a joint therapy session.

My dh was like this when my dd was around the same age - it was exhausting as I could never really take my eye off my dd. It got to a point where I said I couldn't leave him as carer. That kinda broke him and forced him to do better risk assessments/ anticipating stuff. It took me ages to build up trust in him again

Funnily enough his driving isn’t great and I’m always having a go at what I feel are dangerous moves that he doesn’t think are…

This ⬆️

Yes, as a responsible parent, I couldn't leave my DH in charge of preschoolers. Things like the chair pulled up to a hot stove and losing toddlers in public if he had them for a second were just too scary. Not worth the risk. I still get shudders and feel a bit furious when I think about it and they're pretty grown now.

We still get some crazy things (not things relating to the children) and I recently raised some concerns that resulted in a full workup with a neurologist with concerns of possible early onset dementia. He was all clear, still ADHD.

This is what keeps me trapped. It is an important issue. Can you (OP) get legal advice?

And again: he does not have a diagnosis, and seems unwilling to go down the road and obtaining one. So the OP cannot be expected to make allowances for his behaviour based upon Google and Mumsnet diagnoses. That is on him to sort.

And regardless of that, whether he does get a diagnosis or not (and indeed, whether the OP’s son gets a diagnosis or not-and interest use of emotional manipulation there by the way), no diagnosis makes it acceptable for one person to repeatedly hurt another.

Yes please do remember OP that all of the responsibility is on you. YOU have to learn strategies to improve things and YOU have to not react when he hurts you and your child. I utterly despair sometimes.

@newmumabouttown - how does your dh react when your ds is crying in pain because of something he has done? You said in an earlier post that you had to comfort your ds when your dh trod on his foot - does that mean that he doesn't notice or care that his child is in pain due to his actions?

Maybe if he had to console and look after his child every time he hurt them, he might start to realise how much pain he's causing, and that he needs to change his behaviour.

I'm sure driving instructors have seen and experienced it all.

Maybe overtired or as you said distracted.

i went through a very clumsy phase and I really had to work on slowing down and being considered in how I take up space.

actual doing yoga helped as I go much better at proprioception.
if he’s a distracted a sloppy/floppy person he needs to slow down and build routine in how he does daily task.

But that’s on him. This level of disregard for you child’s existence in his personal space is not on and you are absolutely correct to be worried about a larger accident

I think get someone to take DC for an afternoon and have a serious do or die conversation about it. He’s not taking your seriously enough

Yes I think for Mr the worrying part is "whatever* is causing his clumsiness but the concerning part isn't that he doesn't seem overly worried about that.

This is the link part.
Op god forbid he hurts your son so much that he would need medial attention but if he did then he must go along with you so he can see medic's at work and gain an understanding of how serious it is.

My DH isn't any of these things but I did notice he didn't seem as hot as me on our DD reoccurring illness, until he came into hospital and saw her. Sometimes it's very abstract.
Wouldn't most people be mortified at repeating hurting their baby and want too actively stop it?

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What was he like before when it was just you two?

I don’t think a psychologist would discuss someone else, only how it’s impacting you

And OP's DH should be noticing if his child has their fingers in doors and telling/helping them to move them so he can shut the door. That is good parenting. OP's child is only 15 months so at that stage helping them remove their fingers before they get trapped would be wise.

Of course it's not all on OP, and it's her DH's responsibility to do something to address the issue. Meanwhile, would you leave your child with someone they weren't safe with? I wouldn't and didn't. That was on me because it had to be.

Exactly.

I’m extremely clumsy - always falling over, always breaking things, always hurting myself. Sometimes I do accidentally bump into DS or catch him with something but I do go above and beyond every minute to make sure it’s me that gets hurt not him. I weirdly have the reflexes of a ninja so it balances out more or less. So if I was shutting a door what would generally happen is I’d see DS’s fingers in it the same moment I’d let go off the door, and I’d quickly shove my own hand in so it closed on my fingers, not his. If my hand slipped carrying something I would automatically catch it even if it was hot or sharp to avoid it hurting DS. I don’t understand the lack of trying on his part.

I’m only ruling out because I want to focus on solutions. But I understand going through the process of a diagnosis to identify actions is useful.
I haven’t heard of the stoppers, I’m going to get these, thank you.

Oh I completely agree with you on that point. My point was more relating to the poster that the OP quoted who seems to be determined to make the OP take responsibility for her husband’s behaviour.

Oh no, let’s make a baby responsible for their dad’s behaviour too-it’s not enough to make the OP responsible for her husband’s behaviour is it? Anything to ensure the man does not have his feelings hurt or is expected to alter his behaviour in any way.