Husband keeps having accidents with 15mo

[newmumabouttown]

My DS is 15 months old. My DH is incredibly accident prone. I have tried to talk to him calmly, I’ve also more frequently lost my temper. I’ve tried to approach conversations with seriousness, explain repercussions, but I feel he’s just not listening. Monday he closed the dishwasher and didn’t see our son had his fingers in it and trapped them. Just now, he had his wardrobe open with DS under him but was choosing an outfit and didn’t see DS trap his fingers in hinge. It is destroying our relationship as I keep thinking I just need to get him away / out.
I know he cares, as he can be loving, but I feel like he doesn’t care enough to be on alert all the time or make adjustments. I don’t know what to do… feeling lost.
Also, just to add it’s not just with our DS. He’s constantly stepping on my feet. I had an operation recently and when we were in car he accidentally hit where I’d been cut, and then seconds later slipped changing gear and punched my leg. It wasn’t deliverable, but it’s hard not to feel like it is when it’s so frequent.

If his sister is like it too then there’s nothing sinister about it - they’ll be something causing it.

My DH is QUITE clumsy. It was a bit of a joke in his family. He spills A LOT of tea and wine. I think it's because he doesn't have much concept of the physical world (he doesn't get DIY and can't visualise solutions to things) and he doesn't think ahead (he will always put a wine right in front of where he's reaching and I will move it).

It was more of an issue for us with the 12m to 20m age when the kids are oblivious and an unaware adult just adds to the danger/ chaos. The worst that happened for us m was DH was carrying something and our 20mo got in front of him and his knee bumped him into a cabinet and he split his lip open. DH did get a bit better as he got used to having small kids around. I would honestly just try and get through the early toddler stage with lots of "be careful"s.

This is actually quite sad. I’m very clumsy and accident prone, I fell over walking the DC to school recently! I’ve trapped their fingers in doors, trod on their feet and various other things, and it isn’t because I’m not paying attention to them or myself it’s genuinely out of my control! I’m always sorry and feel terrible but if I could stop it I would!

I don't know how you can accidentally punch your passenger in the leg while driving.

Only you can know if he's genuinely remorseful for all these injuries to you and your DC. If he is, I would expect him to be making steps to reduce the risk: ie have his eyesight tested again, hearing tested, even paying for a health MOT to check if there's any other reason he keeps harming you both.

This. How do you 'punch someone in the leg' when changing gear? How does a car layout even allow for that?

Does he apologise? Does he hurt himself ever or damage his own stuff?

Presumably he manages a level of physical control and precision when playing as a goalkeeper?

Does he accidentally hurt himself?
Or just his wife and dc?

Does he do this to other people? Does it happen at work? With his friends? With his parents?

If you think adhd is an overused term 🙄 you’ve not got much chance here really.

Personally I would write it all down with dates and the accident as fact not emotional. And then send it to him in a message and say look it’s not just here and there it’s regularly. This isn’t okay for our son, what plan are we going to come up with for you to stop daydreaming and hurting our son

What have you done to address it? Have you discussed it with your GP?

I've had it where my hand slipped off the gearstick and hit my husband's leg, doesn't seem that implausible to me?? My husband leg was resting next to the gear stick 🤷🏻‍♀️

This

Would he consider trying to put in steps to avoid accidents- poss look at increasing awareness of risk assessment and mindfulness - these things can be learned eg how we teach a child to cross the road or how we learn to drive.

All these accidents sound quite minor OP. I hope you dont think I'm being flippant but minor bangs and slips dont actually do any harm. I have a family member who's like this and they are constantly hitting me and the rest of us by mistake, falling off things, always covered in bruises. I genuinely think some people are just clumsy. Yes it bothers me because I worry about their safety. But I dont think its sinister.
Is there anything else about your husband that makes you think it might be sinister?

closing doors on a child’s hand is not dyspraxic that’s inattentive.

tripping and slipping his hand on the gear stick may be dyspraxia but that’s not all this is.

'Punching' seems a lot more forceful than that. I know what you mean and that's happened to me but that's a slip of the hand. I'd never describe it as a 'punch'

The fact that he doesn’t seem to want to do anything about it surely indicates that he doesn’t think it’s a problem and more importantly doesn't care. This would worry me. He’s not listening to and taking on board your concerns. A normal person who ‘accidentally’ keeps hurting their child would be very worried about this because something very bad could happen. They would be determined to be extra careful and tell you so.

The thing that stands out for me however is the fact he ‘accidentally’ hit/caught you twice after your operation. Sorry OP but that sounds very off. He doesn’t sound very nice at all and someone who is ‘loving’ does not do these things.

When he says something like the dishwasher incident is "Just an accident", does he not think through just how serious that accident could have been? If his child loses a finger, is it a silly little "just an accident"? How is he going to explain it to him as he grows up?

I suppose the point I'm getting at is - does this sort of thing make him stop to think and, for instance, make sure he checks where your son is if he is the vicinity when he is closing doors? If not, can he explain why not?

It does quite sound like dypraxia to me OP.
DS has it.
What about DH makes you think it’s not?

dyspraxiauk.com/diagnostic-criteria

A normal person who ‘accidentally’ keeps hurting their child would be very worried about this because something very bad could happen. They would be determined to be extra careful and tell you so.… The thing that stands out for me however is the fact he ‘accidentally’ hit/caught you twice after your operation

I agree. And I can understand your concern about leavIng him and the worry of him having access to your son when you wouldn’t be there to protect him. I’d suggest talking to Women’s Aid for advice - maybe NSPC as well. And your doctor. Start keeping a log of incidents. In other words, create a trail that might come in handy if ever you have to fight him in court for custody/access.

But also try and explain, once more, the seriousness of this, especially the very real risks and harm that could result from these accidents, and the urgent need for him to address this huge problem and seek help.

How come YOU don’t have these accidents then? Just because they’re not deliberate doesn’t mean it’s okay.

He needs to start looking around for DS and locate him before closing anything. That would save DS’s fingers from being trapped in things.

If he’s so uncoordinated how on earth did he learn to drive a manual car? That needs a lot of coordination and paying attention to the car. How is his driving? Safe, erratic, sudden braking and speeding?

I suspect something could going on with his vision that he’s not aware of - a blind spot that’s developed, for example, and that’s why he doesn’t think it’s a problem, because he literally can’t see it. I’m picking up a potential issue with peripheral vision or a blind spot in one or both eyes. See if you can spot a pattern, is it always to the left or right, for example?

Has he always been like this as long as you've known him @newmumabouttown ?

What's your relationship like in general and has it changed at all? Is it any different since you were pregnant and your son was born? Has his hand ever slipped when changing gear before or is it only after your operation? How is he usually with you when you're having to take care of and concentrate on yourself? What's he like on your birthdays?

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