Husband keeps having accidents with 15mo

[newmumabouttown]

My DS is 15 months old. My DH is incredibly accident prone. I have tried to talk to him calmly, I’ve also more frequently lost my temper. I’ve tried to approach conversations with seriousness, explain repercussions, but I feel he’s just not listening. Monday he closed the dishwasher and didn’t see our son had his fingers in it and trapped them. Just now, he had his wardrobe open with DS under him but was choosing an outfit and didn’t see DS trap his fingers in hinge. It is destroying our relationship as I keep thinking I just need to get him away / out.
I know he cares, as he can be loving, but I feel like he doesn’t care enough to be on alert all the time or make adjustments. I don’t know what to do… feeling lost.
Also, just to add it’s not just with our DS. He’s constantly stepping on my feet. I had an operation recently and when we were in car he accidentally hit where I’d been cut, and then seconds later slipped changing gear and punched my leg. It wasn’t deliverable, but it’s hard not to feel like it is when it’s so frequent.

The first step to solving a problem is admitting it exists.

Then, whatever his problem is (it is actually irrelevant at this stage), you need to put strategies in place to prevent accidents.

For example

• nothing with a hinge like the wardrobe or dishwasher (or even a sliding door) must ever be closed by him until he has had a look at what's in the hinge or where the door is going to swing.

-he must think about and look where the baby is before he moves and that way he will avoid stepping on the baby

-everything that he uses (such as phone, keys etc) must have a designated place and it is not allowed to be put down anywhere else

-he needs to make sure he does things slowly when dealing with hazardous items such as knives.

Some of what you have said is very important - let’s not make assumptions.
but then you jump to the type of bad parent I’ll be in 20 years 😮

OP have you got soft close hinges on your cupboard doors and wardrobes?

If not, they obviously won't solve spacial awareness issues but they do buy time for little fingers to come out of hinges. They're just a mitigating factor. They won't stop fingers being trapped if they're held in there but much less likely to damage fingers than a fast swing or a slam.

Can you put baby gates up or rugs down as a designated visual safe zone for DC to be on, or a seat in every room that DC can be strapped into when people are busy and struggle to divert attention.

I am just offering some possible practical solutions for your child's safety.

I felt full baby proofing wasn’t essential because of care and observation that we’d always be with DS was the safety. But I think the baby proofing is more for DH … a few useful pointers here on door blocking tools, then we need to look at what can remind DH on these. It sounds silly, but maybe post it notes around the house 🙀gosh that sounds a bit intense - I’ll speak with a professional on better tools. Thank you for your suggestions too.

I think we do need a smaller gated area than ones we have maybe for when DH is with him alone, that’s a good idea in the short term perhaps.

That's fine at home but it's bigger than that. What when he loses sight of your toddler DC on a beach or out at a busy place because his mind wandered for 'just a second'? The potential consequences are disastrous.

We had these stoppers too, they’re well worth it.

I agree.

How can slipping when changing gear turn into a punch?

Because when you lack proprioception you use more or less force in certain tasks.

Similar to slamming doors instead of closing doors. You use a lot of force that you dont realise you're using.

It is probably the reason the slip happened in the first place.

Does he seem to be able to take steps after something has happened? That's what I'd focus on.

I shut the end of Ddogs long long tail in the door the other day and we have both now slipped into a new routine of space and a pause when going through it to ensure it never happens again.

Can he make changes or do the same accidents occur again and again?

It’s a lack of care and awareness isn’t it? It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love and care for your child but he doesn’t have that instinct and cautiousness parents develop to check scenarios. It must be really frustrating.

Not sure if it’s helpful, but my husband is like this and has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. He’s generally not very aware of his surroundings. We got a kitten once and he stood on it… It was okay but it would always be him that does something like this. He has tried hard to be more aware of what is going on around him and my children are older now, so it has got easier, but it was a nightmare when they were young.

I don’t think men as are careful. When your child is 3/4 it’s much better. I had issues with my DH over safety too at this age. He’s probably tired and it’s making him worse.

whats the sleeping like?

DS sleeps through night from 7pm but lately having 5am waking, probably teething related

He could definitely do with having another eye exam then. Very short-sighted are at risk of retinal problems which can reduced their visual field - which can make things more difficult to see in their periphery.

If this man has always been accident prone then we can assume he has injured himself several times, done things which had negative consequences for himself, lost jobs because of negligence and not properly concentrating, broken or damaged valuable items that belong to him/are important to him?
Is this the case or do his accidents only cause problems for other people?
Also how upset and remorseful is he when he accidentally hurts his own child?

I’m dyspraxic and dyspraxia doesn’t just show up out of the blue. It will have been there and present since childhood. However, what did happen out of the blue was my MS. It was like my dyspraxia had inflated with steroids. Might be worth looking into something else.

I would be curious to see if it is just yourself and DS he has these ‘accidents’ around? Is he like this at work?

So right, so true.

We got them from IKEA I think.

I have EDS and ADHD (a very common co-morbidity) so there was no way I could escape dyspraxia. It's definitely worth pursuing professional help - not in order to put a label on it but because understanding the root of the problem can help you know the best way to treat it. I'm medicated for the ADHD but it hasn't helped the dyspraxia. I'm currently recovering from (another) fractured ankle.

That's not the first and won't be the last broken bone. It happens pretty regularly and actually this is good news, because obviously I would rather I hurt myself than anyone else, but there's no way I would do it on purpose. It's different for everyone though. As an example, I'm an extremely good driver and can squeeze a car into any spot that most drivers would dtruggle to manage (uncommon with dyspraxia), but I was a nightmare with a pram. Found that so difficult. My husband and I can walk down the same (seemingly secure and stable) path, both in walking shoes, where he doesn't even have to watch where he's going but I will go flying and have to navigate it like Bambi on the ice. My feet just will not hold to it the way his will. It's very strange. I also regularly find I've misjudged my proprioception while changing gear and my hand can fly off in any direction and whack someone - my husband has never had this happen to him. I'm excellent at painting my nails but other fine motor skills such as applying eyeliner or even writing are a disaster. Sports requiring co-ordination are simply not an option, neither is dancing.

However, knowing dyspraxia is the problem does mean I spend plenty of effort in mitigating it. We deal with it as a family. I do my best to pay extra care and attention, we have always been very strong on teaching the children about avoiding hands in doors, watching their step, not putting cups and glasses near the edge of the table etc. My husband is excellent at helping me with it too, he is never impatient or annoyed because he sees that I genuinely do make the effort and that I clearly cannot help it sometimes. When we're doing work on our house he's always the one to veto installing steps if there's any way around it because he knows and accepts that I am likely to trip and fall, if we're walking on a surface he thinks could make me unstable he will usually notice before I have and will take my hand. He has got used to thinking around what could cause me problems. This is incredibly important because I already feel enough shame and self-loathing about this and shouting at me would definitely make things worse, not better. I would be absolutely horrified if he thought I didn't care or, even worse, were doing it on purpose.

Seeking an explanation doesn't mean a label that has to become your husband's whole personality but understanding what the problem is could help you both give each other a little bit of grace and kindness and could benefit your children too. Refusing to engage, on both sides, won't help anyone.

Exactly I was just coming on to say the same.

I’m dyspraxic and because I’m aware of my spatial awareness and coordination issues. I’m especially careful around people especially babies and small children. And I’d be horrified if I kept harming anyone’s child let alone my own .

If anything the only person I hurt occasionally is myself.

Interesting. Because men across the world manage to hold down jobs that require significant levels of skill, care, attention and awareness, and yet you don’t think a man is capable of not trapping his son’s fingers in doors or stepping on his wife’s toes continuously? Please raise your bar.

I would love to know the answer to this as well. Does he go around “accidentally” hitting other people of his acquaintance or is it just limited to the OP?

OP, I don't think you have answered any of the people who asked whether your husband regularly injures himself or only other people such as yourself and your child. So what is the answer to that question?

I suspect it is more he doesn't TRY to be present and safety conscious. He doesn't seem to have it on his radar whatsoever, not just as a parent but also as a caring partner

Based on his responses I feel it’s this too @newmumabouttown An accident is an accident, irrespective of dyspraxia etc or not - but you’d expect upset and regret over all these accidents which injure the two people he’s supposed to love most in the world.

As pp have asked - is he injuring himself a lot too? He claims he’s accident prone - what accidents has he had?