Husband keeps having accidents with 15mo

[newmumabouttown]

My DS is 15 months old. My DH is incredibly accident prone. I have tried to talk to him calmly, I’ve also more frequently lost my temper. I’ve tried to approach conversations with seriousness, explain repercussions, but I feel he’s just not listening. Monday he closed the dishwasher and didn’t see our son had his fingers in it and trapped them. Just now, he had his wardrobe open with DS under him but was choosing an outfit and didn’t see DS trap his fingers in hinge. It is destroying our relationship as I keep thinking I just need to get him away / out.
I know he cares, as he can be loving, but I feel like he doesn’t care enough to be on alert all the time or make adjustments. I don’t know what to do… feeling lost.
Also, just to add it’s not just with our DS. He’s constantly stepping on my feet. I had an operation recently and when we were in car he accidentally hit where I’d been cut, and then seconds later slipped changing gear and punched my leg. It wasn’t deliverable, but it’s hard not to feel like it is when it’s so frequent.

People need to talk sense though, don’t they?

If they ignore half the things OP is saying then their advice will probably not be useful. And she’s quite right to pull them up when they misrepresent some of the things she’s said.

Of course the child should not be getting hurt for any reason. Nobody is disputing that for a moment. Rectifying that situation is the number one priority here.

She is desperately clinging onto any little excuse for why this man routinely hurts others. We all stub our toes sometimes.

The stubbing toes thing is a symptom of poor proprioception thing if it's happening as often as the poster says.

Normal people get distracted too but that doesn't match the adhd level of distracted

For example I break and lose things constantly because of my neurodiversity combo. If it was just my partners belongings then you could imply that it's because I don't care about them. The fact it happens equally to my stuff, and stuff I clearly care lots about is a sign that it's not through lack of deliberate care.

Its often a conversation I have with others where people say, just pay more attention, you need to look after this or just be more careful. Its like telling someone to just see better, hear better or be more athletic. I simply can't so ask people not to give me stuff eg gifts if they will be upset if I lose it.

Stubbing toes is a great example of a low level repeated example of the same thing thats playing out with their kid. As someone else says often that kind of stuff isn't always noticed by others

People wouldn't necessarily be able to give you examples of my poor spacial awareness, clumsiness and propreoception because it isn't big injuries so I don't fall into the "constantly injured" stereotype. They wouldnt register for example that today when I reached for a drink in the fridge, that i picked up the wrong one because my awareness of where my hand is relative to the rows of cans is bad (the same thing that means if also be liable to get someone's knee when getting the gearstick)

Highly intelligent with low/no empathy, he wont end up on anyone's radar because he knows how to manipulate and control people.
Hence @newmumabouttown is in complete denial about what is going on.

Yes, but OP didn’t say sometimes.
She said CONSTANTLY (in capitals).
You are choosing not to listen.

So why will he/can he not engage in a proper conversation with you about it? Him suggesting that he just not use doors is plain facetious. Is he aware of this?

You should be very wary of a man that hurts you ‘by accident’ who shows no remorse. Because there’s no proof it was deliberate. In a loving relationship proof is not necessary. Remorse for causing accidental harm is a natural response.

Ime this escalates to hurting your child by accident when in his care. My STBX used to to say I could take a break when he got home from work as I was f/t carer and exhausted but within minutes there would be an incident that demanded my presence. Usually caused by him.

The message is you can never take a break. I can’t be trusted. One time he allowed our toddler to climb all over our dog in his bed. The dog reacted with a warning bite and the toddler was fine but the dog had to be re homed at age 9. There were rules that STBX broke. He caused the chaos. There were other instances where I had failed to run a bath of the correct temperature so STBX scalded him or ran a cold bath that he left him in til he turned blue. I learned I could never take a break.

Walking on eggshells was what he wanted. There is no escape. You can never leave me because then I will have unsupervised access and who knows what I will do or allow to happen.

This is using a child to control you.

What stands out to me is that your husband says he has always been accident prone. Not that you know this from experience of accidents or him harming himself or others such as parents, siblings, friends, work colleagues, his boss etc. Just you and your child. This sounds accidental on purpose.

I have 2 ASD adult sons, one with ADHD and dyspraxia before I am accused.

YYY

Chaos makers have a plan. They're innately selfish and their lives revolve around them and only them.

OP, he talks the talk but he doesn't walk the walk of loving you or the child. Judge him by his behaviour, not his grand gestures or declarations.

Anyone can say the right things. It takes actually caring about preventing harm and a sincerely felt desire in order to parent properly and be a dependable partner. He doesn't care and he doesn't have the desire to be a good parent or partner.

Agree.

The traits you mention are sociopathic.

I'd be really concerned if I were @newmumabouttown
But this man is intelligent enough - cunning enough - to cause significant cognitive dissonance, and that is what she's grappling with here.

I think you're doing neurodiverse people dirty here.

I also think you need to learn that there's a difference between information and feelings or opinions.

The OP is suffering from cognitive dissonance, caused by the exact behaviour you quote - texting all afternoon with effusive piffle is making the accident all about his drama and feelings and making her believe he cares, when actually he has no intention of changing his behaviour at all. What those texts are designed to do is reel her back into his orbit.

His response to her request that he come up with a solution to the problem of his failure to look out for his own child's basic safety was the flippant "I'll avoid using doors". A massive F * You in other words. That is information. But because of her very understandable cognitive dissonance, she is having a hard time wrapping her head around the reality of what she's dealing with.

I really think you’re leaping to conclusions here. I don’t know why that is but I feel you’re being very unfair to OP. It’s really quite arrogant to think you’re a better judge of her situation than she is.

”I’ll avoid using doors” is pretty much exactly what my dypraxic DS would say in this situation btw. He’s extremely poor at planning.
I’d be staggered if there isn’t some ND at play here. Yes, I know I’m not qualified to diagnose.

DH is very similar, always break things and constantly injured. Ironically he was also a goalie and an amazing parker of vehicles so I don’t believe he’s dyspraxic, he does have ADHD though, there’s different types and does present in different ways so if you have ruled it out, explore how it can be quite contradictory in some cases. For example DH plays guitar to a high grade and loves sitting quietly on his own playing, but is also loud, heavy handed and has absolutely no rhythm when it comes to dancing

I would agree with this.

I came on this thread all set to say you're being unfair OP... Because I myself am ridiculously clumsy so empathise with your husband here.

But then I thought actually? I have almost never hurt my kids. Because I know I'm really clumsy so I was so so so careful when they were little. I remember clinging on to them SO tightly, almost desperately, walking down the stairs carrying them as babies because I'm that person who has slipped on the stairs so many times I was scared I'd do it holding them.

I was almost more aware of this stuff because I am always hurting myself. I stub my toes constantly, bang my hips walking through door ways, catch my thigh on the hard end of the bed walking round the bedroom, bang my head loads. And I would have felt AWFUL if one of my children had been hurt due to my being clumsy. So I think it's a bit odd that your husband isn't for eg upset/saddened that his child is getting hurt?

I have ADHD. I have stubbed my toe on multiple occasions, once I broke it doing so. I have also hurt my kids once or twice by complete accident due to not noticing them or misjudging my strength, but I am a loving parent.

Ultimately, it could be something like that or it could be that he is a manipulative psycho. As both are possible, the op needs to decide which she thinks is most likely.

I'm dyspraxic and I'm always extra careful around my son, because I'm fully aware of my issues and the consequences. Even though I'm dyspraxic, it would break my heart if I kept hurting my son even by accident. If he can't take responsibility then he shouldn't be looking after your DS at all. His parents are meant to protect him and honestly child services could get involved if your son goes nursery, they note down bruises etc. even if there not done at nursery.

As others have said, if you are (like me!) constantly causing yourself minor injuries, whether it’s due to being naturally clumsy / dyspraxic / having ADHD / AuDHD / eyesight issues / something else, you absolutely do stop noticing it; you just get used to having random bumps and bruises 🤦🏼‍♀️
But you also end up with an adjusted expectation / understanding of what a ’normal’ number of minor injuries is, which is probably why your DH didn’t seemed as ‘bothered’ as you might have expected, at least initially; he thinks it’s normal, because for him, it IS. Doesn’t stop it freaking you out though, and absolutely agree that you need to keep DS safe. The bonus is that those measures might also reduce the amount of injuries your poor DH suffers!

Hope you find some solutions that work for you all 😁

My husband is really clumsy, knocks things over constantly, bangs his head on stuff but because he knows he’s like this he is extra extra careful around others. When our grandson was a baby/toddler he always made doubly sure that things were closed properly and that the little one was no where near anything that could hurt him.

So the only way he hurts himself is stubbing his toes? And yet he's punched you in the leg and hurt DS numerous times. I find that odd .....you'd think the clumsiness would hurt HIM way way more than anyone else.

Does he hurt people at work?

Thank you

Just a response to some of the comments. I am pushing back against some people who are being rude and extreme, because that attitude doesn’t serve anyone.
Thank you to all the people who have helped give me different perspectives, and suggestions. It really has given me more constructive ways to approach this - and ultimately - care for DS.

Just an update, I made an edit as I think I misunderstood mathanxiety’s post.
What they say is accurate - I am experiencing two conflicting thoughts and that is causing discomfort. Hence need a way to deal with that, that gets the best outcome for DS, myself and my marriage. If that’s possible…

That’s what ADHD is in some people. Also beyond their control.

He needs to be more aware of his surroundings. I have a 2-year-old granddaughter and I know where she is in relation to my doing things. If she's near the dishwasher I make sure that her hands aren't near there. He needs to be more cognizant of whats going on around him.

That's a leap.

There was a thread on here a few days ago full of accident prone mumsnetters hurting themselves in bizarre and fascinating ways. Many repeatedly. No one immediately decided they were doing this on purpose.