Husband keeps having accidents with 15mo

[newmumabouttown]

My DS is 15 months old. My DH is incredibly accident prone. I have tried to talk to him calmly, I’ve also more frequently lost my temper. I’ve tried to approach conversations with seriousness, explain repercussions, but I feel he’s just not listening. Monday he closed the dishwasher and didn’t see our son had his fingers in it and trapped them. Just now, he had his wardrobe open with DS under him but was choosing an outfit and didn’t see DS trap his fingers in hinge. It is destroying our relationship as I keep thinking I just need to get him away / out.
I know he cares, as he can be loving, but I feel like he doesn’t care enough to be on alert all the time or make adjustments. I don’t know what to do… feeling lost.
Also, just to add it’s not just with our DS. He’s constantly stepping on my feet. I had an operation recently and when we were in car he accidentally hit where I’d been cut, and then seconds later slipped changing gear and punched my leg. It wasn’t deliverable, but it’s hard not to feel like it is when it’s so frequent.

Oh really? My kids have matching forehead scars because of two separate incidents. That’s a pattern surely. And yet both were accidental.

And again, they are separate, isolated incidents. Not a pattern of behaviour. What are you not understanding here?

Oh and with that snotty ‘what are you not understanding’ crap, I’m out.

I miss the days on here where people could communicate politely, as they would do in real life, instead of acting like superior dickbags.

OP I am adhd and dyspraxic. I've never had this many accidents with my kids and I've been parenting over 20 years! :-( (I also am autistic FYI, all conditions formally assessed and diagnosed).

I recall once when eldest was a baby I was carrying him downstairs and felt myself wobble forward - I threw myself backwards so I didn't hurt baby. I can't think of any similar incidents with my younger kids. Yes parents may have the odd incident of not seeing a little hand or a foot as they are rushing about but this sounds bigger and more frequent.

I suspect it is more he doesn't TRY to be present and safety conscious. He doesn't seem to have it on his radar whatsoever, not just as a parent but also as a caring partner?!

You are right to be concerned. This isn't safe!

Your description of what happened after your op is really serious. He could have done you damage and it hurt you. And he is very frequently hurting your child.

I'd think back over the last month and jot down EVERY incident. Then carry that on for a bit. Keep a log. Times, dates and facts. So you can see how often it is.

I'd also get this on record somewhere eg go to your health visitor or gp and get them to log it and log how concerned you are. Because if at any point before your ds grows up you split, he will be allowed unsupervised care of him and that sounds risky.

I am a bit blasé-I accept I am like this - it is me it impacts on the most by miles but the fact I remember the child accidents shows that they are the ones that I care about. I don’t even remember half the things I do to myself. I used strategies so I brought them all up to never touch the door jam as I knew how that would end up…but it was still often a bit disastrous but that is usually safe just means a few more band aids. fortunately now they are all larger than me so other than contributing to the odd minor scar I am free and clear.

I would shout too if someone kept hitting me.

You are wilfully misrepresenting what OP said now @PhilomenaPunk.

Trapping fingers in doors isn't a "clumsy" issue. It's a "not bothering to check" issue.

A hypothetical diagnosis (that this adult doesn't even have) doesn't excuse hurting a child. Pinching fingers in a hinge like this is unbearably painful - my older child did it to my toddler once, and I felt guilty for weeks that I should have prevented it.

Is your husband called Frank Spencer?

Write down the time and date of every single incident in case you do leave him and he goes for 50% custody. Evidence is vital.

I wish people who are dyspraxic would stop saying im dyspraxic and I am not like this.

You are different people, it's not comparable.

I'm autistic and I can speak, er go, it's not acceptable that some other autistics can't speak, they're just not trying hard enough. Get what I'm saying?

We're each individually affected to different degrees and in different areas by our disabilities. It's not fair to say just because YOU don't have these issues, and can sequence tasks, and switch tasks better than someone else that they're just not trying hard enough. They can't make their brains do what their brains can't do.

Great for you if you can divert your attention, or switch on some sort of hyper vigilance, but not everybody can.

It does sound like your DH lack ‘spatial awareness’ for want of a better description. He clearly has no idea just how small children can put themselves in harms way by merely being inquisitive. Have you considered a play pen for the baby when your DH is doing chores? Somewhere safe has to be better than trapped fingers etc.

How exactly am I misrepresenting the OP? She literally says that he is constantly stepping on her toes and when they were in the car coming back from her surgery he hit her surgical site and then a few seconds late his hand “slipped” when changing gears and he punched her leg. So what am I misrepresenting?

Thank you, this is really helpful and you’re right it’s a good idea to log and may help with future discussions with him too.

You’re the one calling me names.

Hmm, I'm dyspraxic, and I've never made anything like this number of errors with my son.

I learned way before I was ever a parent to make excessive allowances for closeness etc, not to make sudden movements, think twice and act slow. Because I know my brain just can't be trusted to make the right movement in the appropriate amount of time.

You can't make your brain as good at spacial awareness as someone neuro typical, but you can ingrain habits that make up for the lack.

Wow there’s a lot of responses. Thank you, I’ll go through them all later. What resonates is let’s not label people, even if we do, what does it matter?
The key here is how does he change his care about safety, it feels like.
Also, for anyone name calling others or looking for a fight, respectfully, please leave, it’s not helpful for anyone.

You left out the word accidental for a start.
When describing the incidents in the car the OP used the words ‘accidentally’, ‘slipped’ and ‘wasn’t deliberate’.

So yeah, to portray them, as you did, as ‘someone kept hitting me’ is a misrepresentation.

But that’s not the point. An action can be constant even if it’s classed as accidental. So my point still stands. I would also shout if someone kept hitting me or hurting me regardless of whether they, I or anyone else classed it as accidental.

Awareness of one’s body in space -proprioception - can often be associated with poor balance. Improving balance can really help with this. Standing on one leg test is an easy assessment for balance.
Can he ride a bike? Did I take him a long time to learn to do that? Can he swim? All of these are balance Qs.
This must be such a worrying situation for you.

It’s not about labelling though OP. A diagnosis (if appropriate) helps someone understand themselves and facilitates the development of everyday strategies that can help.

Read the OPs actual posts.

We have no idea what effort the DH is putting in because the OP hasn’t told us. All she has said is that she assumes he isn’t trying hard enough because the problem hasn’t gone away. Would you assume somebody visually impaired wasn’t trying hard enough if they couldn’t see as well as you? Or would you assume there was a problem which needed specific help?

She isn’t seeing a psychologist about her DH’s clumsiness - its in her posts, she is seeing the psychologist about a completely unrelated work issue. The likelihood of this person also being an expert in dyspraxia, sight depth perception issues or any of the other neurological issue correlating with clumsiness is minimal.

She says in her posts that she has already decided its not dyspraxia, despite being unqualified to form that opinion. She also says in her posts that she frequently loses her temper with him over the issue - a strategy guaranteed to make the problem much worse if it is dyspraxia or similar disorder.

Lets wind forward 15-20 years. The DS is now a young adult man who is clumsy and struggling to avoid bumping in to things and people. The OP posts describing losing her temper with her now adult DS because he is clumsy, just like his father and aunt, having decided that his clumsiness is all his own fault because “she has read about it”.

What impact is that temper going to have on the DS’s ability to improve his dexterity and what advice do you give to the OP in that situation? Do you assume the DS is abusive and doesn’t care about people or do you advise that he should seek investigation for a cause and strategies to help?

I’ve often posted on MN that the bar for men is low enough that slug couldn’t limbo underneath it but sometimes the women need to take some accountability as well.

Similarly, I have ADHD and am not clumsy at all (or have any issues with spacial awareness, which I don't think is an ADHD issue anyway as loads of top sportspeople have ADHD and you need excellent reflexes and spacial awareness for that) and have never been inattentive with my own children. As the OP says - I'm not sure how helpful it actually is to label her DH as neurodiverse (which only a qualified professional could do anyway). The thing is to try and deal with the problem that's been presented to us. The main issue to me is that her DH doesn't seem that bothered that he's hurting her or their child.

Exactly - if you know the cause of the clumsiness you can learn the strategies to improve things which will differ, depending on the root cause.

Assuming someone just isn’t trying hard enough and losing your temper with them is guaranteed to make any genuine issue worse. It comes down to whether the OP wants to solve the problem or be proved right.

Sure, but you need to include the clarification that something was accidental or you are misrepresenting the action and intent (of DH in this case). That’s all I’m saying.

Not at all, a few people suggested it’s deliberate, there’s no way it is or any indication it is.
i guess the dishwasher and wardrobe scared me the most as could have broken the finger and it was so painful for DS.