Husband keeps having accidents with 15mo

[newmumabouttown]

My DS is 15 months old. My DH is incredibly accident prone. I have tried to talk to him calmly, I’ve also more frequently lost my temper. I’ve tried to approach conversations with seriousness, explain repercussions, but I feel he’s just not listening. Monday he closed the dishwasher and didn’t see our son had his fingers in it and trapped them. Just now, he had his wardrobe open with DS under him but was choosing an outfit and didn’t see DS trap his fingers in hinge. It is destroying our relationship as I keep thinking I just need to get him away / out.
I know he cares, as he can be loving, but I feel like he doesn’t care enough to be on alert all the time or make adjustments. I don’t know what to do… feeling lost.
Also, just to add it’s not just with our DS. He’s constantly stepping on my feet. I had an operation recently and when we were in car he accidentally hit where I’d been cut, and then seconds later slipped changing gear and punched my leg. It wasn’t deliverable, but it’s hard not to feel like it is when it’s so frequent.

The thing that jumps out for me here is the fact that the OP and DH haven't babyproofed anything. I'm dyspraxic, and I massively over baby proofed everything because I knew that the way my brain was wired meant that I had to put extra guards in place - because it doesn't matter what I do, I have really difficulty not bumping, stubbing, crashing whatever. The not using doors comment is dismissive, I agree, but the DH may well be feeling like he's being expected to make adjustments that are extremely hard for them without them as a couple agreeing to do something that most parents do - which is use safety measures that prevent accidents. @newmumabouttown Accidents happen to even the most careful parents. You really should baby proof your home.

Sorry if I typed something misleading - but where does it say we haven’t baby proofed anything?!
We have stair gates and handless cupboards and drawers that he cannot reach to open currently. We also have other ways he can be secured like a high chair with straps.

Sorry @newmumabouttown my mistake, I misread that. Door blockers for me are a basic part of baby proofing though - what you've done is put measures in to safeguard your child from their own actions. I had to put a load in place to make sure I was safeguarding DD from mine! So door blockers, straps for changing mats, always making sure that when I was doing anything like unloading or loading the dishwasher that DD was secure elsewhere. I know it sounds bonkers, but when you have dyspraxia it's really hard to judge where other people are let alone where your own limbs are. I am covered with bruises and small scars all the time - no amount of trying to be more careful or thoughtful is going to change that. I have broken so many things that I loved - I don't do that deliberately, I even lay my place setting at a table in a different way from everyone else so that I don't knock stuff over on either me or them.

It's a neurodisability - but fortunately one that's manageable with the right adjustments. Your DH really does sound like he has dyspraxia to me - the toe stubbing is a dead giveaway. I stub my toe about 2-3 times a day. And he might be a bit defensive about it, even if undiagnosed (I think for most people it is undiagnosed, they're just dismissed as clumsy people).

Totally agree, my daughter had a nasty boyfriend like this always accidently breaking her stuff and hitting her so when she said to him after he'd broke 3 or four things of hers he'd have to replace it it stopped .funny enough and when she slapped him hard in the face after he'd accidentally hurt her he stopped that but then he'd punish her by going and staying out all night, she ended it pretty quickly then. This horrible husband is not doing this by accident, dump the creep

Is your dh ever sorry? Or does just say it is an accident then expects you to move on? I would be concerned that if these accidents keep happening and you need to see the dr or hospital they might report you to social services. It feels like he isn’t too concerned but he should be it’s his number one priority to take care of ds you can’t just shrug your shoulders and say oops. It’s not ok. He needs to be more careful. I’m not surprised your marriage is suffering he needs to take responsibility.

I don't think that you're on your own here OP. Half the Dads on the school run let their kids run ahead and cross roads without them. Similarly at the park, they are simply just not on such high alert and predicting accidents in advance. I think that part of it comes through lack of experience. Mums tend to be the ones primarily looking after babies and also discuss safety more with others. Women generally tend to be more cautious and on heightened look out. How many Mums have to micromanage their husbands/partners if they are going to look after their baby or small child alone? Let's face it, most of us have had to pack the nappy bag for them and ensure that there are changes of clothes, nappies, wipes, drinks, snacks, suncream etc and then have to remind them to put suncream on the child offer them drinks etc. So much of it just doesn't come naturally and has to be taught.

Hmm, I know this all sounds accidental- but is he accident prone with himself? Does he have accidents that hurt him with the same regularity?
If not it sounds psychological and needs dealing with ASAP.

So much of it is weaponised incompetence, more like.

I'd bet the farm that these are men who hold down jobs, and are perfectly capable of competence in areas they perceive to carry a high status in the eyes of other men. What earns them points in the eyes of women they don't care about.

Hurting themselves.

Not hurting their children.

See the difference?

This thread is really upsetting OP.
From what you’ve said it seems clear to me that your husband has dyspraxia or a similar condition which is making these accidents more likely. Like, it’s jumping up and down clear! I don’t have qualifications in the area, but have lived with these ND conditions in my family for decades now so have a lot of informal experience. You do become able to spot the signs and you’ve listed multiple of them here. So that’s my opinion for what it’s worth.

Others seem to believe that your husband is hurting you on purpose, and/or that he shows absolutely no remorse when he hurts you and your baby.

But…I can’t see where you’ve said anything to indicate that? You’ve said repeatedly now that these events are accidents. You haven’t even discussed how remorseful or otherwise he is when you get injured. What you have said is you know he cares, but you’ve implied you don’t think he cares enough because the accidents are ongoing. That they’d have stopped if he wanted them to?

I’m not sure it’s that simple though. Dyspraxia is more than just clumsiness. It can often involve issues with planning and executive function too. Yes, pps with dyspraxia on this thread have described how they work so very hard to avoid injuring their children. But another has said she’s a good mother but can still hurt them accidentally. It’s important to remember that the condition varies in severity from one person to the next.

It’s notable too, I think, that your husband seems oblivious to the possibility that his clumsiness could be severe enough to warrant a diagnosis. This seems to be his normal, perhaps a family normal, as you say his sister is similar. So it could be especially difficult to address without help. He’s likely becoming defensive as well when accusations of ‘not being careful enough’ are made, which is a normal response, though unhelpful.

You don’t seem to like ‘labels’ yourself. Neither did I but I have come to understand that a diagnosis is given for good reason.

It’s certainly not okay that your child and you are getting hurt, no matter what the reason is! You are absolutely right to try to address this. What I’d do is work with him to check out occupational therapists (OTs) or other experts/diagnosticians in your area. Talk to them, tell them what’s going on, get him assessed if possible. See what their advice is and hopefully he can come to a greater understanding of what might be causing this and devise strategies to help. The door hinge stoppers are something to start with in the meantime.

Only if he gets the all clear from OTs etc would I start considering the ‘sociopath’ who likes to hurt women and babies suggestion!

Sorry about the essay OP 🫣

When he got his eye tests, did they check his visual fields? It might be that he has part of his peripheral vision missing?

This could have been written about me. I'm incredibly clumsy. I always struggled getting kids in and out of cars without nearly decapitating them. I break cups and glasses on an almost daily basis because I put them down too heavily. I've literally watched myself shut the car door (hard!) With my hand still there. I rarely carried my children as babies because I knew there'd be an incredibly high chance I'd drop them.

Diagnosed in my late 30s with adhd and dyspraxia.

I try to be more careful - which doesn't always work because my brain just doesn't brain sometimes. I hate it, and yes, I was in denial for a long time because I genuinely couldn't see the issue. I've had to train my children (all older now and survived wirh everything intact!) To move their hands out of the way of things if I'm closing something.

I think that young toddler age is the hardest age to manage any issues like that.

I don't have any solutions because it's something he has to deal with and get to grips with (excuse the pun!). It could be that he's just a careless oaf, but it could also be something he genuinely can't see or help.

Sorry, I haven't had time to read all the comments, but have you considered buying a play pen, or maybe even two, one upstairs and one downstairs?

Yes I’ve thought about it but our house is just SO small, the only option would be a collapsible one but I think he’d just pull it apart. I’ll have to do more research though on options.

When I was looking after my DGD I invested in a Little Helper Fun Pod Tower for the kitchen. DGD loved it!

My son used to sit in his and whine, so it only got used for short periods, but I can see you'd have to have a very sturdy playpen if your son is liable to climb out or pull it apart. I like the old fashioned wooden ones.

I have read all of your comments and it feels to me that he is quite inattentive to detail and does things without thinking, and you are maybe quite anxious and the combination of the 2 is causing issues. Kids are actually quite tough and they do get fingers pinched and have accidents fairly regularly. My sister in law has the end of her thing finder missing having had it slammed in a car door as a child by her mother. She survived to tell the story but her life mother at the time would have been devastated. Has your DH actually ever caused or allowed any harm to come to your child? If not, I think you are over reacting and need to chill a bit. It must also be hard for him living with your level of anxiety.