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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to my boyfriends surprise birthday party

454 replies

Becwi · 28/05/2025 07:20

My boyfriends 40th Birthday is coming up shortly.
I Had messaged his mum to see if she had organised something, however after not hearing back after a few days presumed she hadn’t. So I organised a surprise to do something and invite along lots of his friends, She messaged me back 2 weeks later and said yes, on the date I had planned too. I explained that because I hadn’t heard back I’d planned something.
Shes then rang my boyfriend shouting about it, not once confronted me about it.
I said don’t worry I’ll cancel what I’d planned to stop any drama and caused arguments with me and my boyfriend.
so fast forward 6 days before, I get a message from his friends girlfriend asking me what I’m wearing, what the plans are after his party. I know nothing about this party!
i haven’t mentioned it to my boyfriend because I don’t want to ruin his birthday, upset him or cause drama.
AIBU for being so annoyed and so upset about no invitation?

OP posts:
ThisZanyPinkSquid · 29/05/2025 08:07

Becwi · 28/05/2025 19:51

I’ve decided to tell him everything. He’s gone mad, he’s not happy with his mum at all. I told him ringing her shouting down phone won’t do either of them any good.

Show quote history

What did your partner do then?

Hwi · 29/05/2025 08:48

How old are YOU? Do you have any children? Run away before this mummy's boy spoils your life totally.

Lurkingonmn · 29/05/2025 09:43

At this point just focus on enjoying yourself at the party the MIL organised. You can get details from the friend or be with bf when he goes wherever his mum tells him. It sounds like he's pleased she's actually sorted something so focus on his happiness. His mum is definitely acting strangely though by trying to interfere with plans, ignore you etc. I wouldn't trust her just play nice for this weekend for bf. I'd probably also have a well stocked fridge as a back up for an after party at yours though in case it's disappointing lol

Ellie1015 · 29/05/2025 10:49

She is being really weird. Well done for telling bf. You didnt have any choice it was getting ridiculous

Xmasxrackers · 29/05/2025 19:01

I’d be telling DP to go to the party and I’d be removing every trace of myself from his life! This sounds like a very odd set up!

Buffs · 29/05/2025 19:28

Ohrainyrainy · 28/05/2025 07:42

Funny how your BF hardly features in this drama, other than it being his birthday, but he manages come over as a spinless character who sits back allows the women in his life to organise it for him.and squabble over him.

I would be very wary of getting further involved with a 40 year old man whose mother is so involved in his life that she takes it upon herself to still organise his birthdays for him even though he has been in a relationship for 3 years.

This!

GiveDogBone · 29/05/2025 20:06

He’s 40 and his mother organises his parties. Does she do his washing as well?

Nikki75 · 29/05/2025 20:11

Could of planned it together save all this hassle .

pollymere · 29/05/2025 21:09

I guess if you join yourself at the hip for his birthday weekend then you'll end up going along anyway!

Hf85 · 29/05/2025 21:22

I can’t believe you’re even asking if you’re being unreasonable to be upset, I can only assume you’ve been gaslit for years by this MIL from hell or your boyfriend. OF COURSE you’re not being unreasonable - his mother is a total bitch. You should ring her up and ask her outright why you haven’t been invited and go from there. The only way to sort bullies is confront them. Good luck!! Ps. If your boyfriend doesn’t support you end it.

Fargo79 · 29/05/2025 21:29

Fucking hell, run like the wind.

I'm being deadly, deadly serious. If you are planning marriage and children with this man, your life will be MISERABLE. His mother is a controlling, manipulative, nasty piece of work. He is a mummy's boy who can't stand up to her and is happy to go with the path of least resistance, even if that leaves you in the shit.

Type "MIL" into the search box and have a look at all the dysfunctional MIL/DH relationships and how that's panning out for the wives and kids.

Pomvit · 29/05/2025 21:53

Has she not just assumed that given your his girlfriend and you know the date of the party you’ll be going anyway and don’t need a personal invite

Jk987 · 29/05/2025 22:29

I can’t believe you haven’t mentioned it to your boyfriend? If you can’t talk to him about incidents like this, how will you grow as a couple?

You can’t have been together more than a few months?

Isinglass20 · 29/05/2025 23:21

Becwi
”he has and she said don’t worry about it “…..

and DP said: what do you mean? Isn’t Becwi invited? Why not? Don’t you like her? Well if you’re not inviting her I’m not going either? Up to you Mum!

3girlsmyworld · 29/05/2025 23:47

How??

WeightLossGoal2024 · 30/05/2025 01:51

Is he usually so passive if you are treated badly?

Firethehorse · 30/05/2025 02:33

This all sounds very weird. Your partner told both you and his mum (no doubt also all his friends) he wanted a surprise party.
You obviously did not invite his mother to the event you organised but are angry she didn’t seemingly invite you to the one she organised.
You say you normally get on and have both helped each other through hard times, which must be fairly recent because you’ve only been together three years.
Honesty, you all need to speak to each other calmly and respectfully. It’s all already become a huge drama over a (non) surprise party your partner near demanded. This is ridiculous and childish behaviour from all three of you. You not popping round to speak to this person you purportedly get on with so you could plan something together, your DH and his mother for shouting at each other and you for effectively stirring from the sidelines and ‘telling’ the surprise.

MadMadaMim · 30/05/2025 09:18

You asked if there was any arrangement and didn’t get a reply.

you then made arrangements and DID NOT INVITE HIS MUM/FAMILY.

Maybe if you’d informed her ‘as I’ve not heard I’m assuming there’s nothing arranged so I’ve arranged a small celebration - I’ll send you the details’ - this would not have escalated .

his mum then hears you’d made arrangements and kicked off .

you are now upset that his mum has done exactly what you were intending - not inviting the other person

You’re both as bad as each other

stop feeding the unnecessary drama. Get ready for the celebration and when he gets the details you arrive together.

it’s that simple

I feel sorry for the guy stuck between you and his mum

Candleinalantern · 30/05/2025 09:44

Sounds spiteful of his mother and whilst probably thinking she is doing something nice she has probably ruined it for him

browneyes77 · 30/05/2025 10:13

@Becwi Have you got any further forward with this?

When you organised the surprise you planned, did you message his mother to tell her the details, or did she find out about it from someone else and you hadn’t invited her? It’s not clear from your post. You said it was a small family gathering but had invited his friends too?

It seems odd if you’ve always gotten on well with her that she would just turn on you like this.

So I’m thinking either she was annoyed at you for organising something else when she wanted to do it (that’s on her though as she should’ve communicated when you first asked about it, instead of ignoring you). Or she found out you were organising something and hadn’t invited her.

Has your DP spoken to her further? Or has she contacted you yet?

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 30/05/2025 13:21

I'm sorry but he's a grown man. His mother has no business organising his birthday party! Very weird dynamic op.

Phoenixfire1988 · 30/05/2025 21:55

Girl leave ! A 40 yo mammy's boy is just ick 🙈

Thursday5pmisginoclock · 31/05/2025 08:10

How was she planning to surprise him? Surely you’d have been with him anyway?? Was it perhaps a surprise for you both? Just devils advocate here but it does sound awful especially her ignoring you!!!

Codlingmoths · 31/05/2025 08:57

Firethehorse · 30/05/2025 02:33

This all sounds very weird. Your partner told both you and his mum (no doubt also all his friends) he wanted a surprise party.
You obviously did not invite his mother to the event you organised but are angry she didn’t seemingly invite you to the one she organised.
You say you normally get on and have both helped each other through hard times, which must be fairly recent because you’ve only been together three years.
Honesty, you all need to speak to each other calmly and respectfully. It’s all already become a huge drama over a (non) surprise party your partner near demanded. This is ridiculous and childish behaviour from all three of you. You not popping round to speak to this person you purportedly get on with so you could plan something together, your DH and his mother for shouting at each other and you for effectively stirring from the sidelines and ‘telling’ the surprise.

One was a small friends celebration, the other is a party. If I organised dinner with some friends for my husband of over 15 years birthday I wouldn’t invite my mil either. If I were organising a party, of course I would.

WhatICallMyUsername · 31/05/2025 11:06

@Codlingmoths OP said it was a family meal with friends as a surprise so her MIL should have been invited to a family meal!

it was going to be a quiet family meal to him but all of his friends were turning up too