Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

It's a benefits one, hard hat ready

175 replies

BucketHatWoes · 28/05/2025 05:55

DS 27, ASD lives with me, we are both on DA for different reasons.

I think I want him to move out,

I manage his money for bills and shopping

but hes having issues with food now and I dont have the energy to deal with it anymore, I feel awful about it, but I find it to much,

His Dad is an asshole but hes a millionaire, so if DS stayed with him, he could eat steak instead of pasta

but he would be gaslighted and manipulated every day

Hes not learning any life skills from me at the minute, only how being broke is shit

OP posts:
deusexmacintosh · 09/06/2025 18:39

arcticpandas · 28/05/2025 09:32

I don't know why you're being sarcastic. Who said life skills were easy? The mother is exhausted. Maybe the dad could pay for a counsellor/educateur to come home to them and help the son acquire basic life skills. It's not unheard of and doesn't merit your sarcasm.

Some autistic people can learn life skills, but struggle or fail to perform them regularly or reliably - particularly when there is a disruption to their routine, an unexpected change, or a period of stress. Routines like hiding in their room are often an attempt to shut out unpredictability and to exert control in a terrifying world.

For many, the period between 18-30 can be the most dangerous - autistic regression (and even catatonia) can develop, caused by prolonged stress, autistic burnout, depression and long term mental health issues. Regression means they frequently lose the day to day living skills they acquired even as children/adolescents, and for some they never recover them.

The most important thing here is to treat the son's withdrawal and (probable) burnout and have strategies in place to identify when it gets worse, which may well happen if he moves out suddenly without a transition period. The last thing OPs son needs is to develop catatonia/autistic inertia.

He sounds as though he needs tailored intervention from a small team of support workers, and a psychologist who specialises in autism. Dad really should be stepping up to the plate and using his money to hire the best lawyers to access the support his son needs. The hell has he been doing for the last 27 years???

Autism is very complex. All autistics have a spikey skills profile, some more extreme than others (think of it as a pie chart with uneven skills distribution.)

I have a cousin in their 30s who has a BA in a very specific area (think of something random like Norweigian literature) and an Mphil, but needs daily prompting to wash/dress/answer a phone/read emails/write/manage finances.

They are currently unable to work due to inertia, selective mutism and frequent daydreaming/staring spells - even a shelf stacking job fired them because they simply couldn't coordinate themselves, work at pace or or stay on task. They can write for days without sleeping on their special interest, but emotionally and socially they're really like a precocious 14 year old in the body of an adult with pragmatic speech/language/ motor skills difficulties.

Most people have no understanding of autism without learning disability at all, as this thread shows.

As a developmental disability, it can have surprisingly more in common with dementia in the way it affects the brain/personality, executive functioning and reasoning skills. Their monotropism can become so severe it impedes on daily living tasks. Many get 'stuck' developmentally in early adolescence, despite having a normal/high IQ, without help to move through transitions from school/university to adult life.

Apathy and fear/anxiety is a huge problem, and it sounds like this is what's affecting OP's son. He may not be able to show it or communicate it, but he needs treatment for it, and most importantly, compassion. Autistic suicide rates are 9-11 times higher than the general population for good reason. It's hard to cope with failing to launch in a world/social system you struggle to comprehend or care for.

arcticpandas · 09/06/2025 19:14

deusexmacintosh · 09/06/2025 18:39

Some autistic people can learn life skills, but struggle or fail to perform them regularly or reliably - particularly when there is a disruption to their routine, an unexpected change, or a period of stress. Routines like hiding in their room are often an attempt to shut out unpredictability and to exert control in a terrifying world.

For many, the period between 18-30 can be the most dangerous - autistic regression (and even catatonia) can develop, caused by prolonged stress, autistic burnout, depression and long term mental health issues. Regression means they frequently lose the day to day living skills they acquired even as children/adolescents, and for some they never recover them.

The most important thing here is to treat the son's withdrawal and (probable) burnout and have strategies in place to identify when it gets worse, which may well happen if he moves out suddenly without a transition period. The last thing OPs son needs is to develop catatonia/autistic inertia.

He sounds as though he needs tailored intervention from a small team of support workers, and a psychologist who specialises in autism. Dad really should be stepping up to the plate and using his money to hire the best lawyers to access the support his son needs. The hell has he been doing for the last 27 years???

Autism is very complex. All autistics have a spikey skills profile, some more extreme than others (think of it as a pie chart with uneven skills distribution.)

I have a cousin in their 30s who has a BA in a very specific area (think of something random like Norweigian literature) and an Mphil, but needs daily prompting to wash/dress/answer a phone/read emails/write/manage finances.

They are currently unable to work due to inertia, selective mutism and frequent daydreaming/staring spells - even a shelf stacking job fired them because they simply couldn't coordinate themselves, work at pace or or stay on task. They can write for days without sleeping on their special interest, but emotionally and socially they're really like a precocious 14 year old in the body of an adult with pragmatic speech/language/ motor skills difficulties.

Most people have no understanding of autism without learning disability at all, as this thread shows.

As a developmental disability, it can have surprisingly more in common with dementia in the way it affects the brain/personality, executive functioning and reasoning skills. Their monotropism can become so severe it impedes on daily living tasks. Many get 'stuck' developmentally in early adolescence, despite having a normal/high IQ, without help to move through transitions from school/university to adult life.

Apathy and fear/anxiety is a huge problem, and it sounds like this is what's affecting OP's son. He may not be able to show it or communicate it, but he needs treatment for it, and most importantly, compassion. Autistic suicide rates are 9-11 times higher than the general population for good reason. It's hard to cope with failing to launch in a world/social system you struggle to comprehend or care for.

Thank you! You do know what you're talking about. This is true for my 15 y old. Not making any progress since he was 12, academically, socially and emotionally. Refuses all help/intervention. Anxiety (ocd) and no life skills because he refuses to learn anything. It's really draining.

Fraudornot · 10/06/2025 03:57

@deusexmacintosh that is such a great description of my ds - how did you learn all of that? I’m keen to try and understand more about how to help him

BucketHatWoes · 16/06/2025 02:02

Fraudornot · 10/06/2025 03:57

@deusexmacintosh that is such a great description of my ds - how did you learn all of that? I’m keen to try and understand more about how to help him

ah love, go on the SN boards, they were a life saver for me, your boy will get there xx best of luck

OP posts:
BucketHatWoes · 16/06/2025 02:20

My update is my mother is now in touch with my exh, they hate each other,

but they are bonding about how awful I am :)

Trump and Musk will be nothing on this fall out, popcorn ready...

OP posts:
UltraProcessedLifeGoals · 16/06/2025 02:33

another AI type post.
prefer pasta to steak tbh.

UltraProcessedLifeGoals · 16/06/2025 02:34

haha now we even get the political adjacent crap.

BucketHatWoes · 16/06/2025 02:39

UltraProcessedLifeGoals · 16/06/2025 02:33

another AI type post.
prefer pasta to steak tbh.

crikey, wouldnt everyone prefer steak to pasta?

OP posts:
TheOriginalEmu · 16/06/2025 02:41

Feetinthegrass · 28/05/2025 06:49

How about he shares his time between two homes to give you a break? Ultimately he needs to be prepared to move out and live independently, you won’t always be here to help him.

His father needs to contribute both financially and emotionally to help his son achieve this. Many high functioning people have professional careers, families and lives. I dont understand why your son isn’t being encouraged to work and skill up to live independently?

If food is an issue, he can cook himself?

Edited

High functioning autism is within itself a spectrum. It also doesn’t mean ‘like neurotypical people’ even a HF autistic will usually need significant support to hold a job. High functioning usually just means ‘can talk relatively normally’ and may have gone to a mainstream school.

BucketHatWoes · 16/06/2025 02:53

Narc mother, narc exh, messed up sister but really really cant be arsed with any of them, I'm happy out and life is to short :)

DS has said fuck them, my room gets sorted and I'll find myself a wife and maybe they will be happy someday, hes a star :)

OP posts:
Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 16/06/2025 04:14

BucketHatWoes · 16/06/2025 02:53

Narc mother, narc exh, messed up sister but really really cant be arsed with any of them, I'm happy out and life is to short :)

DS has said fuck them, my room gets sorted and I'll find myself a wife and maybe they will be happy someday, hes a star :)

Who is sorting his room and what are they doing to it?

Kingsleadhat · 16/06/2025 10:01

BucketHatWoes · 28/05/2025 05:55

DS 27, ASD lives with me, we are both on DA for different reasons.

I think I want him to move out,

I manage his money for bills and shopping

but hes having issues with food now and I dont have the energy to deal with it anymore, I feel awful about it, but I find it to much,

His Dad is an asshole but hes a millionaire, so if DS stayed with him, he could eat steak instead of pasta

but he would be gaslighted and manipulated every day

Hes not learning any life skills from me at the minute, only how being broke is shit

Contact adult social care to see if he can be assessed for supported living. He can't live with you forever and would be lost if you weren't able to take care of him, so he needs this to give him some level of independence.

sesquipedalian · 16/06/2025 10:06

“hes having issues with food now”

What are his food issues? Others have asked, but you have not answered. And are they the reason you want him to move out?

Orderofthephoenixparody · 16/06/2025 10:58

BucketHatWoes · 16/06/2025 02:20

My update is my mother is now in touch with my exh, they hate each other,

but they are bonding about how awful I am :)

Trump and Musk will be nothing on this fall out, popcorn ready...

Even better let them bond over how terrible you are. Now push your son in their direction because of how awful you are as his parent. Push him let them save him and do a better job than you. Once he's living with them and he is in their capable hands you book a holiday abroad and sun bathe in the sunshine drinking pina coladas. Op you have done enough let them take over.

Orderofthephoenixparody · 16/06/2025 10:59

BucketHatWoes · 16/06/2025 02:39

crikey, wouldnt everyone prefer steak to pasta?

I would prefer steak over pasta I hate pasta.

Orderofthephoenixparody · 16/06/2025 11:01

BucketHatWoes · 16/06/2025 02:53

Narc mother, narc exh, messed up sister but really really cant be arsed with any of them, I'm happy out and life is to short :)

DS has said fuck them, my room gets sorted and I'll find myself a wife and maybe they will be happy someday, hes a star :)

Put a lock on his door and tell him he can only enter it when he gets a job so he can pay for the wedding. You need a rest from all this drama. Your son is a grown man when will it be your time to relax?

Orderofthephoenixparody · 16/06/2025 11:02

Kingsleadhat · 16/06/2025 10:01

Contact adult social care to see if he can be assessed for supported living. He can't live with you forever and would be lost if you weren't able to take care of him, so he needs this to give him some level of independence.

She has tried that already he doesn't meet the criteria.

Kingsleadhat · 16/06/2025 11:37

Orderofthephoenixparody · 16/06/2025 11:02

She has tried that already he doesn't meet the criteria.

Ah, sorry. I wonder if any of the disabilities charities could help OP to challenge that decision?

ButteredRadish · 16/06/2025 11:57

I don’t mean to be doom & gloom but even if supported living became available to OP’s DS, if SS got wind of his Dad being a ‘millionaire’ then they’ll drop DS like a sack of spuds, sadly.
Obviously I am not talking about benefits, obviously that’s nothing to do with it - I’m referring to the rare treasure that is government-funded supported living. They will find any hint of a reason why they shouldn’t have to provide it (like an insurance company finding a reason not to pay out) and they’ll decide that DS’s Dad’s financial position is a huge reason not to, regardless of what OP says, regardless of whether DS’s dad is willing to pay for his son’s housing/care or not…..
I speak from experience, I have a 25yr old nephew in supported living. It was a hell of a battle.

Whattodo1610 · 16/06/2025 23:54

TheOriginalEmu · 16/06/2025 02:41

High functioning autism is within itself a spectrum. It also doesn’t mean ‘like neurotypical people’ even a HF autistic will usually need significant support to hold a job. High functioning usually just means ‘can talk relatively normally’ and may have gone to a mainstream school.

Exactly. I hate the term high functioning. My hf autistic adult dd can’t leave the house, can’t speak to people (including doctors, dentist, specialists), can’t go shopping, doesn’t know when she’s hungry .. the list goes on 🤦‍♀️ But, she’s very academic, no learning disability, therefore high functioning 🤨🤷‍♀️

BucketHatWoes · 17/06/2025 00:35

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 16/06/2025 04:14

Who is sorting his room and what are they doing to it?

Narc mother and narc ex, with there new found friendship...

Was supposed to be new flooring and a cast off bed

Its turned into skirting boards being pulled off, wardrobe doors ruined, loads of stuff being dumped and an exh who wants to fill his weekends up because hes split with his girlfriend

OP posts:
BucketHatWoes · 17/06/2025 00:47

sesquipedalian · 16/06/2025 10:06

“hes having issues with food now”

What are his food issues? Others have asked, but you have not answered. And are they the reason you want him to move out?

Food issues are all sensory

He can cope well sometimes but not when hes overloaded

Hes struggling with the washing machine/radio/tv and also the dog being excited to see him

I have dealt with this millions of times before and know what to do but my narc family have decided he hates me and got him a mini fridge for his room and takeaways whenever he wants

So nope hes not going to even try and change that

OP posts:
BucketHatWoes · 17/06/2025 00:48

Orderofthephoenixparody · 16/06/2025 10:58

Even better let them bond over how terrible you are. Now push your son in their direction because of how awful you are as his parent. Push him let them save him and do a better job than you. Once he's living with them and he is in their capable hands you book a holiday abroad and sun bathe in the sunshine drinking pina coladas. Op you have done enough let them take over.

Thats a plan I could live with

OP posts:
BucketHatWoes · 17/06/2025 00:58

Some good news though

I told my mother to fuck off and feel much better for it lol

Ds is happy I spoke up as he said he was feeling bullied

Also spoke to a woman who is helping him and I think she might 'get it' so fingers crossed some progress might happen

Happier house tonight x

OP posts:
Blinkagain · 19/06/2025 18:21

BucketHatWoes · 17/06/2025 00:35

Narc mother and narc ex, with there new found friendship...

Was supposed to be new flooring and a cast off bed

Its turned into skirting boards being pulled off, wardrobe doors ruined, loads of stuff being dumped and an exh who wants to fill his weekends up because hes split with his girlfriend

Your narc mother and ex were renovating your son’s bedroom in your house?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page