It's a benefits one, hard hat ready

[BucketHatWoes]

DS 27, ASD lives with me, we are both on DA for different reasons.

I think I want him to move out,

I manage his money for bills and shopping

but hes having issues with food now and I dont have the energy to deal with it anymore, I feel awful about it, but I find it to much,

His Dad is an asshole but hes a millionaire, so if DS stayed with him, he could eat steak instead of pasta

but he would be gaslighted and manipulated every day

Hes not learning any life skills from me at the minute, only how being broke is shit

I think living with his dad for a short while might be the go.
Respectfully if he doesn’t want to be around you and you don’t want to be around him then it’s time for a change.
How is he caring for you?

Then that’s what you need to tell them. As another poster mentioned is the SW yours or your sons’ ? Has he had a proper needs assessment ? If not l’d focus on that - ask social services for a care needs assessment and see what they recommend. Supported living is very difficult to secure and if it’s the case that his own social worker doesn’t think he meets the threshold there may be other options available - including funding from his dad, if he’s willing.

Sounds like he's highly academic OP but struggles with real life work? Pretty common with ASD. Even just getting any old job can be difficult due to the interview process.

Is he struggling with his MH so much because he has an MA but can't get a job? Is that what has led him to feeling suicidal? I think that's where he probably needs help and support. He feels like he has no future and can't cope in the real world, he's not being helped because instead of getting support with that he's just getting zombifying amounts of antidepressants.

I think he needs help with his future. Could he get funding for a PhD? Would his dad fund it? It kicks the can down the road again, gives him something to get out of bed and work towards every day. Having a PhD IMO is much more of a standout than having an MA (and I say that as someone with an MA). It gives you access to jobs that the million and one people with degrees don't all also have access to. What is his degree/MA in? Hopefully not something too niche.

That's the route I would take if possible in your situation and I have a 19 year old with ASD. I would also recommend that when your DS applies for any job he asks if autistic candidates are able to get the interview questions in advance. DS is doing an amazing degree apprenticeship thanks to that and it is becoming a thing in England, not sure if it's the same where you are though.

Then you really have to tell the social worker that, in words of one syllable. I. Can. Not. Cope.

I don't know why you're being sarcastic. Who said life skills were easy? The mother is exhausted. Maybe the dad could pay for a counsellor/educateur to come home to them and help the son acquire basic life skills. It's not unheard of and doesn't merit your sarcasm.

That’s what I thought. How did you and your son’s father meet OP?

What support is he getting for his mental health and so he can access the community? He needs these things

In a shady nightclub in london in the 90's, with a weird shared hobby!

I have said those exact words, they dont care

Sounds intriguing x

Crisis Team, Mental Health Team, OT, Community Mental Health, Online CBT and loads of drugs...

If you’re still married why not get a divorce and then you’ll be entitled to some of the millions and you can be the one to throw money at it. Hire in some help for you both. Give ds a budget to order his own food etc.

I have an autistic ds so I get exactly where you are coming from and what life is like. It’s draining. But the truth is my ds can do more than he does just the delayed maturity allows him to mentally accept not adulting sometimes as well as finding it stressful and too much. It’s a fine balance but with some more finances you probably stand more of a chance of getting there

Sorry I meant XDH, divorced 20 years, hes the loaded one and we're skint

Its really not, think 100% less boring than cycling

Quite.

Why?

Sorry, I meant the thread title, which doesn't tie in with your OP. I think you have no choice but to let him live with his father. You're in a hugely difficult and stressful position, where both you and your son's mental health are in a state of stagnation. You need a period of respite. You matter just as much as your son x

He sounds very depressed. If he has a high functioning autism, he must be very unhappy about his situation.

Can you ask your ex to ay for his therapy? If he is a millionaire, he can afford it.

Can you son go stay with his dad for 2 weeks on trial basis while you talk to him on phone daily?

Could XDH pay for a housekeeper? That eases your load in terms of taking care of the house and cooking and may give you some space for the support your DS needs.

Yes of course I understand that. My response was to the poster I quoted, who was basically saying yeah, get rid, best thing for him, worked for them so will work for others.

I really feel your frustrations. I have a son who is full spectrum adhd, no emotional regulation abilities and does not have the hormones in the brain to help natural regulations and also doesn't produce enough natural melatonin to sleep. He is medicated and its still a struggle. He is 15 now and it has been a long road. He is just on at all times, he's in everyone's face, he makes constant noises and screaming noises for self soothing, he smears food over his face and other sensory stuff that I cant stand, he has smashed windows and put holes in walls, broken things, loves to bang on things, stabs the bench tops or the tables and the list goes on. I love him with everything that I am and will always do whatever I can for him and help him and I try with all my might to have patience with him but its very hard. Sometimes I wish he was old enough so we can move him to his own place where he can scream and yell and do all his things in his own space. We ended up getting him a caravan and putting it near the house on our property and this was the best thing for our family. He is building himself a kitchen out of scrap timber and tin around the yard he built himself a deck, when he screams and yells we cant hear him and he stays out of everyone else's hair. He loves his own space and is learning to be independent and keeps himself active after school and on weekends. I guess you just have to find what is going to work for your family and maybe him moving to assisted living where someone else is trained to teach young adults like your son to be more independent. Its a hard road when you dont also have the other parents support especially when they have the finances to do more and can help.

Thank you x yes the title is a bit off but I suppose I was just thinking we're on benefits and he isnt

I got him a mcdonalds breakfast, might start the day better for him

Even if he doesn’t “believe”, is there any way you’d get him to finance in helping in other ways?

If he’s that loaded there’s no reason he can’t be contributing towards things like food or activities that would get your DS out of the house, since money seems to be one of the main issues.

Yes, hes happy to pay for anything DS might need now, wasnt always like that but as long as hes sure I wont gain anything he will pay, maybe I let them sort it out, I'm very tired of thinking for other people