It's a benefits one, hard hat ready

[BucketHatWoes]

DS 27, ASD lives with me, we are both on DA for different reasons.

I think I want him to move out,

I manage his money for bills and shopping

but hes having issues with food now and I dont have the energy to deal with it anymore, I feel awful about it, but I find it to much,

His Dad is an asshole but hes a millionaire, so if DS stayed with him, he could eat steak instead of pasta

but he would be gaslighted and manipulated every day

Hes not learning any life skills from me at the minute, only how being broke is shit

This is the talk I need :) of course Ive asked him, yes he needs a kick up the fucking arse but I dont have autisim and depression and thats why Im asking :)

Thank you, yes there is no handy flat down the road he can move into, thats why Im thinking maybe his bloody millionare father could do something, seems like we will just plod along anyway

I have huge sympathy for you managing a severely depressed adult with no apparent future all by yourself while struggling with your own health and lack of money. From your posts you also sound depressed, understandably. Is your son claiming Universal credit in his own right? That plus PIP is a pretty substantial sum that will help pay for better quality food. If he’s a ‘zombie’ and still suicidal he urgently needs a medication review at least. His GP is first port of call but if he’s actively suicidal you can go to A&E. Does he have a social worker? Is there any plan for independence? It’s hard from your posts to get a picture of what exactly you mean by ‘high functioning’ because it seems he is not really functioning at all. Does he have any educational qualifications? Has he ever worked? Does he have any friends?

You need to articulate what the problems are. You're being very vague - that's not going to help you get support, and it's certainly not going to help your autistic son (I also have autism, vague doesn't work. I was also in your sons position for many years until mid-late 20s, now have my own mortgaged house, fiance, and respectable job at 36... So I'm trying to offer help from experience here)

Of course you may be vague on this thread for anonymitys sake, which makes more sense, but also makes it hard to actually suggest anything (or be able to tell whether you're unreasonable or not!)

Why are you struggling to live with him? There has to be more to it than him being sad and in his room... That more makes it sound like he's not being a bother.

How have discussions with him gone? What has he actually said about his situation?

Do you know what he does in his room? Play video games, go on specific forums, etc?

What are these food issues? Overeating, undereating, hoarding, stealing?

All these things build a picture of your son, which is what anyone would need to understand what possible solutions may be or what the best support for him would be.

So far, I still don't think it's your ex-husband! Your son doesn't sound high functioning right now and that really can regress even further in the wrong environment.

OP you’re his carer now - he’s living with you. Care can be supervisory. If he’s claiming at least the standard rate of PIP daily living element, unless you’re working and earning more than £196 after deductions you can claim. If you're claiming any income replacement benefits like ESA or JSA you won’t be able to claim it, but if you’re on UC you can - UC will deduct the amount in full from your personal allowance and add a carers premium, and there may also be an additional carers premium for any housing benefit you receive. For UC you will also be exempted from work related activity.

Well that would depend on how his autism impacts him it's a huge spectrum.

If his dad will have him full time then I don't see any harm in trialling it. If it doesn't work our ge could cine back to you or be set up with his own place if your ex will finance that.

I agree assisted living places are few and far between. They would also take most of his benefits and leave him with pocket money.
it is worth, though, trying to see if there are any daytime activities he could access or support groups for autistic adults. Getting him to go might be another thing though. There are also some charities which will allocate him a support worker to take him out. It’s really hard though as I know for a lot of autistic adults it is so much calmer for them to just stay in their rooms.

OP , you mentioned you had a social worker. Please reach out to them and tell them you cannot manage. You need some help in dealing with this. This help might come in the form of his dad initially (he sounds shit though),but you need things place long term.

I totally get this. My son is disabled, and an adult. He does actually live independently now (in that rarest of things, an actual council flat) and receives direct payments to employ people to help with his daily tasks. However, from the age of 18 - 25 no one would lift a finger to help us as we were providing all care and that meant it saved the statutory services money. I distinctly remember at one point being on the phone to yet another person who was refusing to do anything and thinking 'Does this pain in my head mean I'm going to have a stroke?'

Forget your son for a minute, you need help, go to the docs, ask for a referral to some sort of mental health support, tell them you're at the end of your rope and you need to talk to someone.

It’s quite a high threshold to have a social worker, so I’m not sure you’re correct that supported living wouldn’t be an option. My son lives in a flat with support on hand during the day, there are lots of different options.

@agixwould love to know what things helped you to move so far along Im your life

If her DS claims UC in his own right it will affect any claim for UC or other means tested income replacement benefit OP may be claiming, as they will deduct for a non-dependent resident. She could end up substantially worse off.

Time for his dad to step up, it may be move in with him but probably better would be for his dad to take the time and effort, assuming benefits are granted to get him living independently. If he’s capable of full independence there’s the option of a shared house with carers, I know many young people with disabilities living in this set up, social services are the starting point but it can be set up privately too

I’d he is suicidal this is the last thing he needs op.

I hope it was obvious I didnt mean that x

@BucketHatWoes

Does your son have any academic qualifications such as GCSEs/A Levels, OP?

@StMarie4me

there is assisted living available but you have to ask, demand , research it yourself initially, I know of dozens of places here because I m connected to them, but you the general public won’t know because they are ordinary 4 bed houses including one across the street from me, I know them because they volunteer with me at my work. To get places you have to ask and there’s no indication that op has even started the process where she says he needs to leave so he can be assessed to see how much support he needs. My dsd lives with 24/7 care 1:1 18 hours a day, but at lower needs it may be a shared house where someone comes in twice a day to check everything is ok

Nothing about what you are saying is obvious. Why are you on 247 watch then? Why is he a zombie? Why is he so sad? If it’s that bad, he needs to go to his dads. End of. If this is your only option, take it, at least you have options to choose from. I am sorry it’s so hard atm, but you aren’t really being clear about what you are looking for on this thread.

I'm in Ireland so thanks for all the pip stuff but doesnt apply here. We both get DA but I wont apply for CA its not something I would do.
He was with the crisis team in Oct and now with the mental health team, they are lovely but it all seems very slow and they up his medication on every visit, hes just not himself

Those posters advocating for assisted living need to understand that realistically, if OP decides he can no longer live with her, SS will place him wherever they can until they can assess him - this may not be suitable for his needs and can even include B&B accommodation. Funding for assisted living for disabled people is limited, means tested, allocated according to need and eligibility is strict. I’ve seen parents of those on the spectrum left to cope in almost intolerable situations because there are no suitable facilities willing to take them, and they are deemed to have suitable accommodation at home - this is likely to be the case for OP as her SW has already deemed her capable of coping. And to set up assisted living privately can cost up to £2000 a week, depending on assessed needs, so unless dad is willing to fund it, that’s likely to be a non starter.

He has a Masters :) hes a smart guy

Have a chat to your GP or lead therapist today op. Someone needs to check over the issues you are describing. You sound vulnerable and so does your son. He also sounds overly medicated which will need to be double checked.

Well why did he do the Masters and what does he want to do now? He's 27 not 17 and needs to have a plan about what is happening next with his life.

Im asking should I send him to his asshole father so he doesnt have to worry about money or does he stay home and build a life, It feels like its one or the other right now