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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a benefits one, hard hat ready

175 replies

BucketHatWoes · 28/05/2025 05:55

DS 27, ASD lives with me, we are both on DA for different reasons.

I think I want him to move out,

I manage his money for bills and shopping

but hes having issues with food now and I dont have the energy to deal with it anymore, I feel awful about it, but I find it to much,

His Dad is an asshole but hes a millionaire, so if DS stayed with him, he could eat steak instead of pasta

but he would be gaslighted and manipulated every day

Hes not learning any life skills from me at the minute, only how being broke is shit

OP posts:
YourGladSquid · 28/05/2025 06:46

If he’s high functioning it might be good for him to go live with someone that pushes him a bit and gives you some respite.

YinYangalang · 28/05/2025 06:47

You say you manage his money etc do you claim carers allowance for him?

Original poster
BucketHatWoes · 28/05/2025 06:48

EleanorReally · 28/05/2025 06:44

if his dad is a millionaire he can pay for some support and accommodation, assisted living or whatever it is called

but he wont because the ASD isnt real and was all just my bad parenting, so maybe its time for him to do the 24/7 suicide watch and buy the fucking steak

OP posts:
Feetinthegrass · 28/05/2025 06:49

How about he shares his time between two homes to give you a break? Ultimately he needs to be prepared to move out and live independently, you won’t always be here to help him.

His father needs to contribute both financially and emotionally to help his son achieve this. Many high functioning people have professional careers, families and lives. I dont understand why your son isn’t being encouraged to work and skill up to live independently?

If food is an issue, he can cook himself?

Original poster
BucketHatWoes · 28/05/2025 06:53

YinYangalang · 28/05/2025 06:47

You say you manage his money etc do you claim carers allowance for him?

I am to disabled myself to be his carer, if anything he does more for me than him

OP posts:
Original poster
BucketHatWoes · 28/05/2025 06:55

Feetinthegrass · 28/05/2025 06:49

How about he shares his time between two homes to give you a break? Ultimately he needs to be prepared to move out and live independently, you won’t always be here to help him.

His father needs to contribute both financially and emotionally to help his son achieve this. Many high functioning people have professional careers, families and lives. I dont understand why your son isn’t being encouraged to work and skill up to live independently?

If food is an issue, he can cook himself?

Edited

Yes, I would like the 2 homes thing, but his Dad is difficult

OP posts:
Original poster
BucketHatWoes · 28/05/2025 06:56

YinYangalang · 28/05/2025 06:47

You say you manage his money etc do you claim carers allowance for him?

No because I am not able to be his carer

OP posts:
Agix · 28/05/2025 06:57

What food issues is he having?

I'm not sure the answer is getting him to live in an abusive household - if his dad would even have him?

There may be other answers. What is going on and why do you want him to move out?

ThejoyofNC · 28/05/2025 06:57

So why exactly haven't you taught him any life skills?

Jellycatspyjamas · 28/05/2025 06:59

So the first thing is to be very very clear with his social worker that you can’t in fact cope with your current situation. Them assuming you can is doing no good. In any event you need to talk to them about him moving to living as independently as he can, and be clear you need them to facilitate this.

If he effectively cares for you, there also needs to be some thought about the kind of care you’ll need when he does move out.

Sirzy · 28/05/2025 07:03

If at 27 he isn’t able to live independently now then he either needs a high level of support now to develop those skills or he is never going to be able to. Those skills won’t just appear.

you need to be honest with the social worker and create a plan for him for long term stability.

Original poster
BucketHatWoes · 28/05/2025 07:04

Agix · 28/05/2025 06:57

What food issues is he having?

I'm not sure the answer is getting him to live in an abusive household - if his dad would even have him?

There may be other answers. What is going on and why do you want him to move out?

abusive yes but at 27 it might be different, DS stands up for himself, as much as I hate my xh, I think he is trying with DS but I dont think it will be enough

OP posts:
BCBird · 28/05/2025 07:04

It is in his best interests for u and dad to get him.some sort of independent/semi independent living, as he won't always be able to rely on you. If dad has money then he could pay, even if your son would not qualify via more traditional route. Suicide watch is something you should flag up with Social Services because you can't take this on single- handedly.

NoBots · 28/05/2025 07:05

BucketHatWoes · 28/05/2025 06:11

His Dad is a shithead, has never agreed with the ASD diagnosis, hates me more than he loves DS, all my bad parenting bla bla bla...

but he will throw money on anything now, so do I just do it?

Yes just do it. It could be better for him.

Becauseurworthit · 28/05/2025 07:06

You may not like your Ex, but he may have a point that your DS might be happier giving a more independent life a bit of a chance. If he is high functioning, so doesn't qualify for assisted living, maybe that means he doesn't need it?

Your DS sounds very depressed and I am so sorry to hear of his struggles. Whatever the situation is now, it clearly isn't working and isn't sustainable.

So yes, I would speak to your DS and Ex and try a different approach. You deserve a break too. I really hope it is a win-win situation.

Agix · 28/05/2025 07:08

BucketHatWoes · 28/05/2025 07:04

abusive yes but at 27 it might be different, DS stands up for himself, as much as I hate my xh, I think he is trying with DS but I dont think it will be enough

Show quote history

You're not stating very clearly what issues he is having living with you. What issues is he causing you?

Feetinthegrass · 28/05/2025 07:10

BucketHatWoes · 28/05/2025 06:55

Yes, I would like the 2 homes thing, but his Dad is difficult

Show quote history

I would live with the fact his father is difficult- as long as he isn’t abusive - and use the time to recover emotionally. You sound at the end of your tether. You do need a long term plan for your son. Social care can help.

Original poster
BucketHatWoes · 28/05/2025 07:14

Agix · 28/05/2025 07:08

You're not stating very clearly what issues he is having living with you. What issues is he causing you?

Show quote history

Hes just not himself, hes in room all the time, I dread meeting him on the landing because hes so sad, they have him on these pills that make him like a zombie, hes not my boy right now

OP posts:
Silvertulips · 28/05/2025 07:15

My friend is in a similar situation, only dad refuses to believe his child is diabetic, I have heard about other fathers who don’t take to their children being disabled, I wonder if there’s been any research on this?

At 27 he’s old enough for a change - it’s not like you are going to disappear, and I think your son will still be demanding of you and want emotional support - he may find living with his father difficult l, but it may teach him some valuable life skills.

Dont rule it out - give it a trial for 6 months.

Vivienne1000 · 28/05/2025 07:18

Could you manage a part time job, just to get out of the house and improve your own wellbeing?

Greyhound98 · 28/05/2025 07:20

Ask your sons social worker to explore the possibility of him moving to supported accommodation nearby?
His rent and support costs would be covered by housing benefits and he will learn valuable skills and develop a new social circle. At some point you won’t be around to take care of him, so best this is put in place while you can oversee it, and reassure yourself that he can gain independence whilst being supported by professionals.

Agix · 28/05/2025 07:22

BucketHatWoes · 28/05/2025 07:14

Hes just not himself, hes in room all the time, I dread meeting him on the landing because hes so sad, they have him on these pills that make him like a zombie, hes not my boy right now

Show quote history

... So that's it? You want him to move away to an abusive household, with a father who doesn't even believe in autism (which will very likely cause him to regress rather than help at all) because he's in his room all the time and seems sad?

Come on OP. Is there more to it? You mentioned food.

So far, it sounds like your son needs help and guidance, but unsure his father is going to be the right person to provide that. What does your son enjoy? Have you asked him why he's in his room all the time?

Feetinthegrass · 28/05/2025 07:23

It doesn’t sound like his high functioning ASD is the problem right now but a severe mental health crisis where your adult son is now suicidal? Which is a different issue altogether. He has been medicated I assume in the short term?

If this is the case, then you need urgent counselling, his father does need to do respite care every week and you need a break. The burn out rate is extremely high for parents managing this situation, especially alone.

Is he eating anything?

StMarie4me · 28/05/2025 07:26

All you people assuming there are assisted living and residential homes for ND adukts on every corner. OP is clearly broken. You make out she’s just got to pick up a phone and ask someone for this an it will just happen. Not helping AT ALL.
OP, will Shithead sit down and talk it through with you and DS? If not, can you talk it through with DD?
Coukd Shithead purchase him a smalll flat and he could then have support workers helping him, and he would have security.
I think that you need to do this. You are trying to pour from an empty pot, and it’s not working. You have been strong for so long. You need time to regroup for you.

SimplySoo · 28/05/2025 07:27

It might be worth you or he claiming Carers Allowance - you can receive it at the same time as DLA or Pip. It may impact other benefits but could be useful.

https://www.gov.uk/carers-allowance/effect-on-other-benefits

Ask Citizens Advice for an income maximisation/benefit check appointment.

Your title says it's a benefit thread so hope you don't mind these pointers! None of the thread is about benefits.

Carer's Allowance

Apply for Carer's Allowance - money to help you look after someone who needs to be cared for. Apply online or use form DS700.

https://www.gov.uk/carers-allowance/effect-on-other-benefits