It's a benefits one, hard hat ready

[BucketHatWoes]

DS 27, ASD lives with me, we are both on DA for different reasons.

I think I want him to move out,

I manage his money for bills and shopping

but hes having issues with food now and I dont have the energy to deal with it anymore, I feel awful about it, but I find it to much,

His Dad is an asshole but hes a millionaire, so if DS stayed with him, he could eat steak instead of pasta

but he would be gaslighted and manipulated every day

Hes not learning any life skills from me at the minute, only how being broke is shit

Oh your update makes this even sadder. How utterly loathsome he is x please just look after yourself ❤️

Why on earth would you think that having money makes up for being abused. Your son sounds vulnerable and I certainly wouldn’t send my son to live with an abuser.

You might not but you're not in the OP's position, which is clearly desperate.

Because he see's his dad at weekends in his flash house and they eat in posh places and can get a fab ice cream whenever they want, maybe thats better for him than I can do

Please read the thread!

Well DS could start by asking his Dad for a bit of money each week to buy food that HE wants (just for him, not you, to avoid the 'you benefitting issue)

Do you ou think he could talk his Dad into buying a flat he could live in (would DS like that??) & paying for some support?

I absolutely understand the issues with availability of suitable housing, but social workers only advise people with eligible needs, so I was making the point to check with social worker not assume if he’s high functioning he won’t be eligible.
as a parent of an adult you are within your rights to say you are unwilling to provide accomodation and support, and in some cases it can be better to do this while they are young enough to adapt.
What aspects of daily living does he need support with OP?

Well, if your son has disabilities then of course he should claim whatever benefits he is entitled to.
The fact his dad is rich doesn't affect his entitlement.

Do you think his dad would help fund a flatshare room, or bedsit? Or he can try and get housing benefits if such things exist where you live?
You may need to declare he's not welcome so he can register as homeless.

If you don't want him living with you you must speak to him about it and work out some options together. You shouldn't fully abandon him or palm him off on his dad who sounds abusive.

Do you think disabled people are not capable of being educated?
There’s a vast chasm between achieving an academic qualification and being able to hold down a full time job. OP’s DS may be able to achieve this one day, but it’s blatantly clear that she needs help to help him.
I am in EXACTLY the same situation, other than I am working, but my DD’s Dad is dead. I need help too but there’s nothing.

Thank you, yes Im in DCA warrioers, was also in Autisim Mhamai, they got me through some tough times

I emailed his social worker about his medication and said that I'm unsure about it, she is lovely but everything needs to go about 10 steps before she can do anything, they are meant to meet tomorrow but he is unwell.

His Dad has said he would buy a flat in Dublin for them both, so living with him, which is tricky.

I talked to his Dad a few months ago about my council house, that I worry if I die, DS could have 2 weeks to clear out the house, I tried to explain how this would be hard for DS, he said I have 3 houses and DS can start moving his stuff now

I’m sorry your situation is so bad.

on of my children has severe mh issues snd I know the struggle it is to get support.
you are going to hate what I say but it is the truth and I’ve been there and had to do it.

no one will step forward to help until you step back. Mum doing everything is cheap and convenient and they will continue saying you can cope until you literally break. I did eventually and ended up in a psych ward myself.

you have to write an email and send to everyone gp, mh team, housing at the council , social worker etc etc stating as of 1st aug 2025 you can no longer house Ben . His care needs are too great for you as a disabled person and so you are evicting him and as a vulnerable adult he will needs support with finding accommodation and suitable care . Should adequate provision not be sorted by this date then you will be dropping him and his bags as the council office at 9am as you are broken and no longer able to cope.

snd you have to follow through and do this is no one steps up.

it will break your heart as a mother to ‘abandon’ him but it will likely achieve an outcomes. Either they will sit up and provide some in-house support / care assessment for uou (as this is the cheapest option) or he will be put in Temporary accommodation or found somewhere suitable to live.

while you are doing everything they will never rehouse him but an eviction forced their hand and they will have a duty of care as he is a vulnerable adult sitting in their office.

it may be he goes and lives with his father and it may be it is not ideal - but you need to start thinking about yourself too.

my sons illness (also has asd and mh issues) plunged me into such severe depression as after years of fighting to get him support and doing the suicide watches and 24/7 supervision around sharps etc - I was broken and the depression led to my own suicide attempt .

i told them repeatedly ‘I can’t cope’ and was told repeatedly ‘ you’re doing fine’

I wasn’t.

evicting him was the most awful thing I ever had to do as a mother , I felt wicked and it went against every instinct I had to care and love for my son - but it had to happen. I was utterly broken - evicting him got him a place in supported living. It gave me space to recover and heal .

he was helped at last and now is doing well. Works in a shop, has friends and we have a great relationship. He is happy and well and living life. As am I - before we were just existing.

i know there will be people who think I am barbaric for ‘throwing him out’ but it actually saved 2 lives and that is not being dramatic.

unless you have lived with the relentlessness of severe mh issues and dealt with the lack of support for both them and you as the care giver - you can’t know how desperate it is.

Desperate times call for desperate measures and you have to refuse to house him any longer in order to get the help you need.

take care of yourself.

OP says upthread that she has asked SW for help and was told she should be able to cope - IME that indicates he has been assessed and deemed to be in the best place to cope with his needs. And when you consider the number of other agencies involved with him I think it’s unlikely that he hasn’t already been assessed.

And I absolutely agree that as the parent, OP is within her rights to say she is unwilling to house him any longer. Unfortunately that means he’ll likely end up in bed and breakfast accommodation until they can find him a suitable placement. Those with spectrum conditions can prove the most difficult to place as they often have a mix of complex needs and behavioural issues which need specialist input and the resources are scarce. It’s an unfortunate fact of life that mum providing the housing and care is the cheapest option and until she can find it in her to step back and stop that provision, the authorities will do little or nothing. If I were OP I would be contacting his SW and asking for a reassessment of his needs and make it clear that she can no longer cope.

This is the unfortunate reality. Unless you take drastic measures you’ll be left alone to get on with it. As an outreach worker I’ve seen parents left in horrendous circumstances - to the point of having locks on internal doors to keep themselves safe from their child. It’s heartbreaking and until they find themselves in need of help, people have no idea how broken the system actually is and how patchy provision is across the country. I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation.

Any update? X

In 2019 (August of) I sent my 3rdborn to his Fathers .
We were simply incompatible and the arguments and the crying I done .

For us, it worked out. I told him "Its not forever unless you prefer life in the countryside with your Dad"
He got a job, he saved some savings up .. He would later (I think He was a bit shocked I had gone through with it all) start to Whats App call Me.
He came home in 2022 for his 21st and the following June he came home to Me for good
I realise this is probably not possible for You and your Boy, OP, but it done Him, and Me, the World of good.
Since June 2022 we have had 2 major arguments, and that is all

Whatever happens I hope it helps the pair of You OP

Same advice as the last benefits thread: you both need jobs.

🙄

Are you sure you’re on the right thread or is the discussion here beyond your understanding ?

oh just fuck off

Are you OK? X ignore that tosser.

Yes :) thank you so much for asking

I,ve spoken to his OT and my GP

also my crap family are going to update his room, that should help his mental health

Keeping breathing xx

Oh great, it's a start. You know where we are if you need to let off steam! xxx

Yeah and you need to grow up and get yourself a girlfriend. That's my advice to you.

😅😄