It's a benefits one, hard hat ready

[BucketHatWoes]

DS 27, ASD lives with me, we are both on DA for different reasons.

I think I want him to move out,

I manage his money for bills and shopping

but hes having issues with food now and I dont have the energy to deal with it anymore, I feel awful about it, but I find it to much,

His Dad is an asshole but hes a millionaire, so if DS stayed with him, he could eat steak instead of pasta

but he would be gaslighted and manipulated every day

Hes not learning any life skills from me at the minute, only how being broke is shit

What’s his Father’s living arrangements? Does he have a new partner? Or kids? Or big enough house? From everything you have said OP I doubt his Father will entertain this idea of him moving in.

Supported living!

The funding for these places is limited, strictly controlled and means tested. It’s also patchy in terms of availability according to area. I’ve worked with disabled people in a professional capacity for over 20 years, and l know from experience that it’s very difficult to secure a place - not least because not all are equipped for behavioural problems experienced by those on the spectrum. I’ve seen families denied places as they are deemed as capable of dealing with situations much more challenging than that described by OP and it doesn’t surprise me that the SW has told OP they consider her able to cope.

Honestly OP from what you have said about his mental health I think you’d very possibly be signing his death warrant yourself if you sent him off to his dad who doesn’t even believe in autism.

He needs support & help, dad isn’t going to provide that.

If you can’t provide that then you need to keep pushing for support, if dad is a millionaire then you’re 10 steps ahead already because he can pay for support that you would wait months for on the NHS.

being a carer comes in many shapes and forms. You managed his money, make sure he has something to eat, endless hours of suicide watch. The question is if the £83 per week would make a financial difference or if they get deducted from one of the other benefits you may claim. But it sounds very much like you do an awful lot of him! caring does not always mean physical care. I have done the suicide watch. It took over my life at the time!

OP do you want to tell me what part of Ireland you are in, I may be able to signpost some services. PM me if you prefer.

Tell me you know nothing about autism without telling me you know nothing about autism 🙄🙄

Tell me you know nothing about autism without telling me you know nothing about autism 🙄🙄

yep 😀

Came on to say much the same thing. Have over twenty years experience as a disability outreach worker and it really irritates me when l see posters blithely telling an OP that supported living is the answer and all they have to do is pick up the phone. The funding is limited, means tested and tightly controlled.

Provision of facilities is patchy according to area and by no means always the most suitable for the persons’ needs. I’ve seen many disabled people placed in emergency B&B facilities while they are assessed and placement depends on many things. I’ve also seen families left to cope with their relatives’ horrendous behavioural problems simply because there are no facilities available either willing or equipped to cope with them.

The fact that OP’s SW has deemed her able to cope with her DS indicates that they consider his present home to be suitable for his needs, which- and l don’t mean this in any other way but for practical purposes - from what OP says, are fairly low level, compared to some home situations l’ve dealt with.

Ah yes, the magic bullet that so many people think is freely available to all !!

Ok, so does your son have a social worker?

if not, make a referral through your local authorities online portal to adults social services - and request a care and support assessment. Your son will need to willing to participate in the process. Under the care act the la gave a duty to identify those with care and support needs and to help those individuals find ways of moving forwards

Many cant without support. Whether or not they get that support is a different matter.

mine cant and they will be with my likely forever

If you're in Ireland have you gone on the DCA warriors Facebook page for support? It's more than DCA, it covers all and any disability queries for parents. They'll also give you Irish advice on benefits. Don't be shy about applying for everything you could be entitled to. Also have you contacted AsIAm? They have a support line and may be able to give you some support? Finally a local counsellor and TD may be able to point you in good directions for next steps. Essentially it's really shit with for a person with additional needs here, you need to go figure it all out yourself, then advocate and fight until it's in place. But there are people to help you along the way. Good luck.

I would be tempted to give him 12 months warning that he needs to move into his own place.

This might sound incredibly harsh but I say it from my own experience. I was asked to leave by my parents at 18, I am bipolar and had been in hospital. I came out and was an absolute nightmare. They gave me 3 months to find my own place. I had to get a job and learn to look after myself properly. These very practical steps meant I couldn't wallow in the fact that I was mentally ill. It gave me stability and a purpose to get up in the morning.

His father could help with a deposit. He could maybe move into a shared house?

My son has ASD and wasn't working it was awful as he got into bad sleeping habits which fucked with his mental health. He is in a much better place now he is working in a shop.

Having a social worker isn’t an indication in itself that supported living is an option or even appropriate. A social worker will assess an individual's needs and recommend the most appropriate option. In OP’s case the social workers’ opinion is that his best option is with OP, which indicates he doesn’t meet the threshold for supported living. There may be several options but all are subject to limited funding, means testing and strict eligibility. Even then a placement may only be possible as and when a suitable facility is available, which varies widely from area to area.

Ridiculous. You’re suggesting OP abandon her disabled son. You clearly have little idea as to what Autism is.

Giving him notice to move out? I’m pleased it worked out for you .. but it can also have the opposite effect. A friend of mine did very similar - her beautiful, kind, but tormented adult child took their own life in their own place. 😔😔

Asked and answered in OP’s updates. OP has a social worker and their opinion is that OP can cope with DS at home.

But she clearly is not coping. And if the son is suicidal, this is an emergency. How recent was this ‘opinion’?

She has a social either - if doesn’t look likd he does.

It is worth a shot - some social workers and community support workers are far far far better than others - fight more, ask better questions, are better at wording care and support assessments, yhink outside of the box etc.

I have no experience of the Irish system so am pleased to see other people on here who have. High functioning is a weird label in autism. The OP’s son barely appears to be ‘functioning’ at all.

Where do I say abandon him. Get his father to give him a deposit. Help him into his own place and get a job. Given that two of my kids are autistic, as is my, husband, father and Sister I think I do know I'm talking about!

DH was similar to ops son after uni. Doing nothing all day is incredibly soul destroying. Humans generally do better with a purpose.

She can support him still. Currently neither of them are doing well with the arrangement. It sounds like his father is a complete twat and living with him could be harmful.

Sadly suicide happens when people living in a house with their parents too as happened to my school friend. Personally I think being in a room all day is incredibly soukd destroying

I sympathise. I have a low functioning ASD child and I'm done in already and he's only 6. You don't have to care for someone and it is illegal for services to force you.

I wouldn't bother with his dad. It will not benefit your son. Don't focus on him being shit as it will just drain you of any energy you have left.

I think you need to get some advice. Speak to autism charities, CAB, carers charities. They can give you your options.