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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have thrown away some of daughters stuff?

154 replies

yourenotkidding · 26/05/2025 21:40

daughter left home for university in 2016. She came back for 18 months in 2020. Then she left in 2021 and hasn’t been home since. She has lived abroad ever since. When she left, if you were to look at her bedroom, it would look as if she had just popped to the bathroom. She did not clear anything away and the place was a shit tip. Over the last few days I have been through everything that was left here and I’ve thrown away about four bin bags worth of rubbish. Everything that is important has been left here stored under her Ottoman bed. She’s currently in Australia and told me on our last phone call that she had no plans to ever come back. I still feel bad for binning some of her crap. Talk me down.

OP posts:
littlemissprosseco · 26/05/2025 21:43

Honestly, I would do exactly the same.
its just stuff, disposable stuff.
She didn’t care about it.
its got nothing to do with your love for her, or your relationship with her.

Cheffymcchef · 26/05/2025 21:44

I would’ve told her first I was going to do a clear out and asked what she wanted kept, based on her coming back to collect it or arranging someone over here (not you) to pack it and ship it to her in oz. I wouldn’t have thrown out stuff without asking first, that is cruel.

sounds like there’s a bit of a backstory if she’s telling you she’s never coming home.

historyrepeatz · 27/05/2025 06:36

If it’s just rubbish that has been thrown what’s the problem? Sounds like you have tidied up, not got rid of stuff/ actual belongings?

mumonthehill · 27/05/2025 06:43

Ds bought his first house last week. I had already had a clear out but yesterday went into his old room and got rid of much of the rest. I have kept sentimental things etc but got rid of the canvases from the range, old pieces of tech and clothes he has had the chance to take but never had. Do not feel guilty they have moved on and you cannot keep their rooms as a memorial to their teenage years! I now have a lovely spare room!

Theraffarian · 27/05/2025 06:58

That’s a tough one . I’m still the keeper of a fair amount of stuff that mine left behind when they moved out , but it’s the things they didn’t want to get rid of , but didn’t want cluttering up their houses ! While we have space for it , it’s not an issue .

In view of your situation, I think it depends on what you consider “rubbish” . Genuine rubbish , I would have got rid of straight away . It’s really hard to sort someone else’s trash from treasure though .

In all honesty I’m way too soft with my kids , but I would have laid stuff out , WhatsApp pictures and asked what needed storing and what could go .

Agix · 27/05/2025 07:01

Did you tell her you had to do a clear out first and discuss with her?

Needspaceforlego · 27/05/2025 07:07

Op YANBU.
Really she hasn't needed this stuff in 4 years. Clothes, electronics and makeup will have been replaced.

I wouldn't throw out jewellery or keep sakes.

treetopsgreen · 27/05/2025 07:08

Why would you not tell her first, it seems like you acted out of anger.

RedRosesAndGypsophelia · 27/05/2025 07:24

She's been living abroad for 4 years! Of course you are not unreasonable. If she really wanted any of the stuff she could/would have asked for it well before now.

moomoomeow · 27/05/2025 07:38

I left home at 18 to study abroad; back home 10 years later (lived at home for 5) and then went to live and work abroad since. I would go home once every year or 2 since I left. I always made it a point to clear my stuff when I return home so the burden is not on my folks.. If they thought they needed to clear some of my stuff out, they would always ask. My mum went through the trouble of taking pics of my clothes/bags/shoes once to check I was ok for them to get rid of such and such..😁

I would be annoyed if they hadn't asked me; but I also didn't/don't take the piss and treat their home like a storage space. Perhaps give her a deadline/ask her to propose some dates to come home to sort her stuff out before you bin them; if she still says "she had no plans to ever come back" then just bin them!

GRex · 27/05/2025 07:47

I think you really should have let her know to give her the chance to clear it up. However, you've already binned it now so that's that. Have you considered asking and sending the rest to DD? Depending on how much there is it could cost £500-1500 to Australia.

CiaoMeow · 27/05/2025 08:38

You should have spoken to her about it first. And it depends what you mean by crap. What's crap to you may be valuable in some way to her.

That you say you feel bad for binning some of her crap seems to show that you know this yourself and maybe cleared it all in a fit of pique.

TheignT · 27/05/2025 08:42

I eventually gave mine a deadline when they had been gone for 8 to 10 years. I gave them a date, six months notice, and said if they didn't collect their stuff it was all going to bin/charity shop/eBay.

We can't be used as a storage facility forever.

aintnospringchicken · 27/05/2025 08:50

When my DC moved out permanently they both left loads of stuff in drawers.I did ask them after over a year if they wanted said items and was told no, I don’t want/need them. I then gathered everything together and handed it to them the next time they visited. My take on it was if you don’t want it, you can dispose of it. I realise that this is impossible if DC are settled in another country with no plans to return.
OP,I would have just asked your daughter what she wanted to do with everything she left behind.

DiscoBeat · 27/05/2025 09:10

I think if it were me I'd have asked her to arrange a FaceTime so we could do it together. Saves a situation in the future when she might want something only to find you threw it out.
But then I'll probably keep their rooms as is because they'll probably like to see them in the future and even show their children. I'm sentimental like that!

Original poster
yourenotkidding · 27/05/2025 21:11

It’s hard isn’t it? I’ll have to FaceTime her about the rest. It’s taking up a whole wardrobe and the underneath of a king size ottoman bed. A bin bag worth of bras and socks, kitchen ware, perfume, creams, stuff relating to her old job, clothes, shoes, ….you name it.

I think I’ll wait until they renew their lease again in 6 months (proving they are staying for another year at least), and broach the rest then.

looking back at my initial post, I think I was a bit disingenuous because it wasn’t just trash that I got rid of. It was things like drawings from primary school, nursery reports, things saved from holidays like receipts or boarding passes that had just been thrown into a box., Certificates gained at hobbies that haven’t been done for 20 years. Not anything that she would want in her house if she was to move home and buy a house here certainly! I don’t feel guilty because in all honesty I don’t feel that I should’ve been left with all of this to clear up. When she moved abroad, if you would have looked at her bedroom, you would have assumed that she had just nipped to the bathroom or the shops.. Absolutely no attempt to make sense of anything before she went.

OP posts:
Brooklynbridge · 27/05/2025 21:15

yourenotkidding · 27/05/2025 21:11

It’s hard isn’t it? I’ll have to FaceTime her about the rest. It’s taking up a whole wardrobe and the underneath of a king size ottoman bed. A bin bag worth of bras and socks, kitchen ware, perfume, creams, stuff relating to her old job, clothes, shoes, ….you name it.

I think I’ll wait until they renew their lease again in 6 months (proving they are staying for another year at least), and broach the rest then.

looking back at my initial post, I think I was a bit disingenuous because it wasn’t just trash that I got rid of. It was things like drawings from primary school, nursery reports, things saved from holidays like receipts or boarding passes that had just been thrown into a box., Certificates gained at hobbies that haven’t been done for 20 years. Not anything that she would want in her house if she was to move home and buy a house here certainly! I don’t feel guilty because in all honesty I don’t feel that I should’ve been left with all of this to clear up. When she moved abroad, if you would have looked at her bedroom, you would have assumed that she had just nipped to the bathroom or the shops.. Absolutely no attempt to make sense of anything before she went.

You shouldn’t have binned all that personal memory stuff. You should have given her a deadline and then binned it.

Trabbling · 27/05/2025 21:19

Oh no 😮 That's bad. Things like that have huge sentimental value - why do you think she held onto them all these years?? I'd be so upset if anyone threw out my old memories like that.

Original poster
yourenotkidding · 27/05/2025 21:34

These things have been stuffed under a bed for 10-20 years and she’s 10000 miles away and never coming back. What do you suggest I do with them? Genuine question?

OP posts:
Ylylyll · 27/05/2025 21:38

If you had binned what you’ve kept (out of date creams, old bras) and kept what you’ve binned (her memory box) that would have made more sense to be honest

Sunshineismyfavourite · 27/05/2025 21:39

I would bet that she can't even remember what the stuff was OP. If it was that important to her, she would have mentioned something over the past four years! I would probably take a few photos of what's left and send them through to her or FT and open some of the boxes. Tell her she can keep maybe a couple of boxes that you can stick in the loft or something but the rest has to go unless she feels particularly attached to anything.

GRex · 27/05/2025 21:41

yourenotkidding · 27/05/2025 21:11

It’s hard isn’t it? I’ll have to FaceTime her about the rest. It’s taking up a whole wardrobe and the underneath of a king size ottoman bed. A bin bag worth of bras and socks, kitchen ware, perfume, creams, stuff relating to her old job, clothes, shoes, ….you name it.

I think I’ll wait until they renew their lease again in 6 months (proving they are staying for another year at least), and broach the rest then.

looking back at my initial post, I think I was a bit disingenuous because it wasn’t just trash that I got rid of. It was things like drawings from primary school, nursery reports, things saved from holidays like receipts or boarding passes that had just been thrown into a box., Certificates gained at hobbies that haven’t been done for 20 years. Not anything that she would want in her house if she was to move home and buy a house here certainly! I don’t feel guilty because in all honesty I don’t feel that I should’ve been left with all of this to clear up. When she moved abroad, if you would have looked at her bedroom, you would have assumed that she had just nipped to the bathroom or the shops.. Absolutely no attempt to make sense of anything before she went.

Oh good god. Can you get it back? That's horrendous. Nursery reports and certificates are irreplaceable and sentimental. This has to be a joke, how could you not realise? The socks, creams and shoes are the pointless crap.

Trabbling · 27/05/2025 21:42

yourenotkidding · 27/05/2025 21:34

These things have been stuffed under a bed for 10-20 years and she’s 10000 miles away and never coming back. What do you suggest I do with them? Genuine question?

Put them in a box for her to sort through at some stage! Or at the very least told her what you were planning and let her decide whether she wanted any of it. Just throwing out her personal keepsakes without a word? Absolutely not.

Trabbling · 27/05/2025 21:44

Sunshineismyfavourite · 27/05/2025 21:39

I would bet that she can't even remember what the stuff was OP. If it was that important to her, she would have mentioned something over the past four years! I would probably take a few photos of what's left and send them through to her or FT and open some of the boxes. Tell her she can keep maybe a couple of boxes that you can stick in the loft or something but the rest has to go unless she feels particularly attached to anything.

Why would she mention it? As far as she was concerned it was safe and sound at home, same as it had always been - what was there to mention?

Screamingabdabz · 27/05/2025 21:47

I keep all the childhood milestone stuff and some of the sentimental clothes and toys. It all lives in boxes in the attic. When they own their own houses they’ll have it back. But I feel that I'm the keeper of the family history for now.

My kids are young adults and are on their own life journeys but at some point they’ll want to look back at the poems they wrote in their school books, and their little trophies and childhood memories.