To have thrown away some of daughters stuff?

[yourenotkidding]

daughter left home for university in 2016. She came back for 18 months in 2020. Then she left in 2021 and hasn’t been home since. She has lived abroad ever since. When she left, if you were to look at her bedroom, it would look as if she had just popped to the bathroom. She did not clear anything away and the place was a shit tip. Over the last few days I have been through everything that was left here and I’ve thrown away about four bin bags worth of rubbish. Everything that is important has been left here stored under her Ottoman bed. She’s currently in Australia and told me on our last phone call that she had no plans to ever come back. I still feel bad for binning some of her crap. Talk me down.

I never threw any of my DS’s stuff away without checking with him first. Takes a few seconds to send a text/picture. Eg want any of these certificates from x hobby? We’ve recently gone through a load of his stuff stored in the loft and it didn’t take long to do at all. I would not want anyone to throw myself away without checking with me first so wouldn’t do it to anyone else. If you think she won’t care and is ruthless with stuff, then a one liner asking if she was happy for you to make a call on what to chuck probably would have sufficed.

Why does there have to be a back story if she's not coming " home" She obviously has made her life and home in Australia

Is she not planning to visit at some point?

You could prompt her to clear her own bedroom next time she is around, so she can choose what to keep, or take with her.

As much as I sympathise, I haven’t been able to just chuck my DCs “stuff” hence I have an old hobby certificate on my dressing table and an old gerbil run in chest of drawers! There are loads of other stuff but I just can’t trash it.

See I don't get that They want the stuff but not cluttering up THEIR home . But it's ok to clutter up yours? Id be pissed off at that

Memory boxes? What on earth are they? I certainly dont have any for my adult kids

This!

The stuff you chucked is the sort of thing parents do keep for their children til they get married, or even forever.

I’d have been chucking the bras, underwear and creams too. Not her childhood memories.

Sorry, I'm not buying it. As others have pointed out you could have gotten rid of all the big stuff to regain space. The furniture. Clothes. Appliances.

But you chose things that are irreplaceable.

Either you feel bad or you don't but imo you very much should. I find it odd you've left the room this long.

You're not elucidating as to your relationship with her. I'd say it's usual for a someone to declare they are never coming home.

She left in 2021 and you've only just had the clear out !!! What took you so long. I would have done it the minute I got back from the airport. Also, when she made it clear she was never coming back I would have packed off most of the rest to the charity shop PDQ.

If it was important to her presumably she would have taken it with her.

Me neither. I thought memory boxes were what dying parents made for their young children to look through after they've gone and as they grow up.

Someone saying they’re never coming home suggests they don’t even want to visit OP

It’s fine. Maybe sell what’s left and send her the money if that would make you feel better?

You’ve been very patient. My bedroom got revamped into a spare room within weeks of me leaving for uni. Came home at Xmas to find all of my stuff boxed up in the loft!

Your stuff got boxed up and kept in the loft. OP is intending on throwing out or donating her daughter’s stuff.

The problem is that you don't know what's junk and what's not. I don't take many photos; but I do keep ticket stubs or small objects (ephemera) from special occasions, e.g. a few dried flowers saved from various special days, a single wrapper from the box of chocolates I ate setting-up my wedding, a ticket from a trip we took when I was pregnant with DC... These physical objects that I can hold in my hands are actually far more evocative to me than a photo could be. I would be FUMING if someone binned them because they assumed it was just a load of old junk in a box.
If her stuff is in the way, stick it in a few boxes, put it somewhere dry (not an outdoor shed!!) and tell her that you'll keep it until she visits, then she'll have to sort through and either get it shipped, chuck it, or pay for storage.

I'm not sure what the voting stands for so I voted YABU for getting stressed about tidying her room 4 years after she emigrated and I'm surprised to see most people voted the other way and think you should have left it as it was !!!

Tbh I think it's fair enough. OPs daughter emigrated 4 years ago and has said she's not coming back to the UK.

Of course it's not unreasonable to reclaim her former room for your own use, and it would've been fine to have done that years ago, but it does seem strange to throw out all her childhood mementos without asking first or saving anything, even if only for yourself. Reading between the lines, it sounds like the relationship may be strained, and if it's clear she's not interested in any of it, then YANBU to toss it all. However, you did ask for opinions, and for most parents, it would come across as cold and callous to throw out anything that might have sentimental value without asking first. Only you know your own life, though, and whether your daughter will ever be visiting, would appreciate having you send her some of the smaller, easily shipped items, etc.

I think you should have told her first. Ideally given her time to do it herself.

I left my bedroom like this, went home to visit pretty much monthly and nothing was said. Then one visit the room was cleared and redecorated with a box of stuff for me to take. I don't think she got rid of anything valuable to me BUT I know there were some sex pics, sex gear, etc hidden at the bottom of the wardrobe and they were gone. I hadn't wanted to take them with me because my flat mate was a nosey cow but would definitely have moved them if I'd known. It's never been mentioned....

So perhaps you just haven't found the stuff she's worried about yet? Have you lifted the carpet?

Completely different situation.

OP’s daughter emigrated years ago and isn’t coming back. She’s not interested in her old stuff.

I think the irreplaceable stuff (school reports, pictures, certificates) you should have asked her if she wanted you to keep it. Old bras and out of date cosmetics can obviously be chucked. Shoes and bags I would donate rather than bin and if any were valuable/designer again I would ask if she wanted them kept. I really don't understand why you didn't start by discussing with your DD about clearing the room.

If she wanted you to keep so much that the room was still unavailable to use for guests or hobbies then you could have insisted that more was cleared out.

You probably should have checked but it's done now and honestly I don't think she'd miss it.

In my experience she wouldn't have wanted 99% of it. You can take photos and send them and ask but that's hard work. I did it for my parents with my siblings' stuff and they would eventually reply, "Of course I don't want that".

Someone I know boxed all her daughter's stuff up and kept it and the daughter came home and just threw it away without opening the box.

I can't think why she's said she's not coming back...

Because she doesn’t want to come back?

I feel you OP, my daughter left for overseas 3 years ago, only back once for a holiday. We moved house, so had to pack everything, we have one spare room for all 4 children to visit and stay in.
I did save drawings and reports, school photos, random childhood memorabilia for all of my children, but 3 years on and none of them have chosen to collect any, but its stored away, 1 large tote container full if they choose to take it, else it’s tucked away in the garage.