To have thrown away some of daughters stuff?

[yourenotkidding]

daughter left home for university in 2016. She came back for 18 months in 2020. Then she left in 2021 and hasn’t been home since. She has lived abroad ever since. When she left, if you were to look at her bedroom, it would look as if she had just popped to the bathroom. She did not clear anything away and the place was a shit tip. Over the last few days I have been through everything that was left here and I’ve thrown away about four bin bags worth of rubbish. Everything that is important has been left here stored under her Ottoman bed. She’s currently in Australia and told me on our last phone call that she had no plans to ever come back. I still feel bad for binning some of her crap. Talk me down.

I think it was perfectly reasonable to insist that you do it, but you should have had a conversation with her first about where to draw the line.

Surely if they were that important to you then you would have taken them with you? 15 years is a long time to store someone else's stuff.

I think I would have had a conversation with her before she left to the effect please can you sort out what you want to keep and what can be disposed of.

Really??

The daughter in this case does not care. There are lots of people in the world who do not care about possessions.

This seems to come as major news to a lot of posters on this thread.

surely you’d have been better throwing clothes than personal possessions like you binned. Seems very odd to have done that.

Why didn’t you just ask before you binned it? Surely that would’ve been a simple enough thing to do. To just throw away irreplaceable things and leave all the other junk like old bras and socks makes you sound petty and mean-spirited.

Soiled underwear - dump it
Other clothing - launder, dry, fold and store
Make up - dump it (well out of date by now)
Shampoo/conditioner/shower get - despatch to the family bathroom
Cups /plates (yes, possible, I had teenagers once) - despatch to the kitchen
Scribbled notes - dump it
Text books - recycle
Personal diaries/ note books - keep and store
Shoes - recycle

You might consider taking a photo of anything worth keeping and let her decide. However, treasure the memories of birthing her, nurturing her, and watching her grow…….those are priceless.

You seem very cross at being left with this stuff, OP, which I do understand. What I am curious about is, have you ever actually spoken to her about this? Have you had a conversation and said, DD you've left all your stuff here and it's taking up space. I need to get rid, is there anything you want me to ship to you or keep?

I get that it's annoying to have been left to sort it, but to be fair to your DD she was very young when she left and frankly young people are not known for their consideration of others and usually need to be told.

It's very odd that you've never talked to her about this. Has she not visited you at all in the years since she moved?

I live abroad, I certainly don't have a room anymore, but my parents have asked me over the years to bin, take with me, or store in boxes. Why haven't you asked?

Don’t feel too bad, you’ve tried to keep the important stuff, but I probably would have spoken to her about it first. The week I moved to uni my mum chucked all my remaining stuff and moved my sister into my room 🙃

@Agapornis agree, I find it odd too.

It’s fine. I’m still gradually clearing my DD’s stuff and have donated/sold some things (she’s been gone ten years but is moving to a bigger house soon…when she does, everything else remaining will be boxed up and sent along!)

Why did the throw the most sentimental stuff first? Surely you'd donate the clothes / furniture etc. First? I think you feel bad because it was quite mean!

Nursery reports and childhood drawings are sentimental for parents, rarely the children that made them

My mum is like you, drives me mad. Kept everything, such as my childhood swimming certificates, school exercise books, reports etc. Keeps complaining about how much of "my" stuff is at her house, but is appalled when I say I'll go through and bin a load of it. I don't care about my 25m swimming certificate, or yr2 English book. She's keeping this stuff for her memories, not mine, I wish she'd see that.

I did this (as the daughter) - well kinda - my stuff was packed into boxes so my sister could have the room, but then just left at my parents.

Over the years as I've come back and forth (I do visit home) I've taken some, some's been chucked, some's gone to other people - it's totally normal, and frankly, what stuff from when I was 18 do I really need 10/20/30 years later?

YABU to bin someone else’s stuff without checking.
you obviously made it seem it was ok for her to leave it there initially and now you’ve changed your mind but not discussed it with another adult.

a conversation would have been a good start. It’s out of order you binned memory stuff- pretty unkind.

i would have had a conversation and said you wanted to streamline it (to use the space etc) so could we FaceTime to go through things or will she visit soon and we could sort.

Same! It sounds like sentimental things were binned out of spite.

Wondering why she has said she won't be coming back?

I think as well the clear out seems to have come from a place of resentment like the op has finally had enough of the daughter just assuming that it’s her room even when she’s moved out and is never coming back. Not a good state of mind to do these things in.

As an aside , when I moved out it wouldn’t have occurred to me to leave anything at all, it was like I’d never lived there. It wasn’t my house to clutter. But likewise it wouldn’t have occurred to my mum to save anything from childhood, she had a couple of things but quickly palmed them off on me. Having said that though she doesn’t have any photos of me or her only grandchild on display.

I just can’t imagine my mother doing this, it’s absolutely wild to me that you’d do this for her rather than her clearing every scrap of her existence from your house when she moved out.

its so nice.

I don't understand why you haven't just talked to her? You've thrown away all the sentimental stuff without even asking! Perhaps she didn't want it, but you should have given her a chance.
It's fine to clear out her room after all these years, but talk to her about what she wants to do with it all first. A phone call or text isn't difficult.

Was it a big shock her moving away so far and then her stating that she wouldn't be coming back? That must be difficult and hard to adjust to. Don't throw out anything that you may be sentimental about or something that represents a memory together. After my mam died it was crazy the things that she kept that I know value so much, my first birthday card, bracelet from my Communion, a receipt from a hotel trip. I hope you have some nice visits together in the future. I have some friends living abroad and they are still very close with their families.

'like me'?

When my eldest officially moved out we changed his room to our room within a couple of weeks. There were a couple of stages & one of them was for him to box up anything he wanted to keep but not take with him. It wasn't very much & that's now in our loft.

The rest is either with him or went in the bin/recycling, whatever. Things like school reports were never in his room, they came to us as parents & so we had those elsewhere & I've still got those. I think, generally speaking, those things aren't of interest until you've got your own kids & they start asking about who you were.

We see him a couple of times a week & he only lives 20 minutes away with his partner & DGS.

So no, not 'like me' at all.

OP has, weirdly imo, left the room untouched for years then thrown away the small (in size) sentimental things leaving all the big stuff. That is peculiar 🤷🏼

You’ve binned all the wrong things. You shouldn’t have got rid of personal items without asking so YABU.

Why would she want old bras, socks, perfumes etc but not want holiday memories and personal items?