To have thrown away some of daughters stuff?

[yourenotkidding]

daughter left home for university in 2016. She came back for 18 months in 2020. Then she left in 2021 and hasn’t been home since. She has lived abroad ever since. When she left, if you were to look at her bedroom, it would look as if she had just popped to the bathroom. She did not clear anything away and the place was a shit tip. Over the last few days I have been through everything that was left here and I’ve thrown away about four bin bags worth of rubbish. Everything that is important has been left here stored under her Ottoman bed. She’s currently in Australia and told me on our last phone call that she had no plans to ever come back. I still feel bad for binning some of her crap. Talk me down.

There's still stuff to be dealt with though; simply ask her now what her plans are for clearing her stuff, or if she is happy for you to dispose of everything.

So get rid of the bigger items (shoes, clothes, perfumes, kitchen items) she clearly isn’t going to use these again.

Why would you get rid of sentimental, personal items (without asking) which would take up less space?

I think it’s really sad that you binned the certificates and keepsakes! Did you not want to keep them?
I feel there is a backstory here, especially as your daughter said she won’t ever be coming back. If you do things like chuck her personal things away without even checking with her (why wouldn’t you do that at least?) then there’s probably a good reason why she doesn’t want to.

I think her not coming back is just part of her life plans, not because OP threw her stuff away. But it is vague how OP phrased it

She's an adult. She should have tidied up after herself and made some effort to decide what could be binned before she left. If it really was 'rubbish' then she should have disposed of it. If she's never coming back when would she ever need any of it anyway? Does she expect you to send it to her? Or does she want a museum of her younger life to exist in your home forever? You did nothing wrong.

I mean people do emigrate. No need for a sad backstory. It is weird if she never visits home though

I can't understand the outrage people are feeling on behalf of a young woman who has left her room in a state, left no instructions for her stuff and gone to the other side of the world to live forever. Why the heck should parents have to hoard all their DC's stuff for all eternity? If they choose to, that's fine, but the chastisement the OP is getting is unfair.

Nobody has said that the stuff should be stored indefinitely. But it's not hard to pick up the phone and talk about it before chucking out personal items!

Son left stuff like this with me. I boxed it and placed in the loft but it took up SO much space. Eventually building work meant it had to be slimmed down so he was asked to come and sort. He put half on the floor with a 'bin this' sticker and stored the other half.

The binned items were put on marketplace by me and given away as all very good sports items (think climbing). He'd moved away and replaced them.

Roll on more years and again I need the space so I packed it all into the car and took it to him (warned him) . I got there and he took about a small box full and asked me to dispose of the rest.

I stored his crap for years....

The only thing I would have done differently is to let her know you were doing it. But beyond that, it’s up to you. It’s a home not a long term storage unit.

When I left home (aged 22), my mum’s first thought was ‘whoop, we can have a spare room’. We had a great relationship but she hated all my clutter. We kept two boxes of ‘precious stuff’ like old diaries etc and they went into the loft. Everything else was given to charity shops or taken with me.

My mum always used to say, ‘if you ever need it, you’ll always have a home here but you won’t have a ‘designated bedroom’. The whole process actually helped me to grow up a bit and establish my own home too. And as it happened, my old room being freed up meant my mum was able to offer a short term space to a woman who was escaping DV as well as others who needed a bit of a ‘refuge’. It was made easier because the room was neutral and free of all my childhood stuff. My mum was a truly great lady. Do what’s right for you (though it’s nice to keep your daughter informed).

I can’t believe you threw away her memories but kept (for now…) her old socks and bras.

my mother binned virtually everything when I moved abroad. They had a huge house with cellar and attic, so storage wasn’t an issue. I never forgave her.

I am now facing the same problem, except I have very limited space. I’ve cleared out some clothes and books, but I certainly won’t dispose of their favourite leather jacket, sports awards, treasured childhood books, drawings, school reports, the plaster of Paris moulds of animals……… etc.

Not asking her before chucking it was a dick move. Would it really have been so hard to have texted her or mentioned it during your next call?

Only read the first page of responses. But I don't understand this post. Are you not in contact with your daughter? Have you not at various stages discussed this with her? Why are you reaching out to strangers for absolution? This implies you feel you went too far... but "too far" is a relative term that can only be determined by you, your daughter and your relationship. Your sound very distant from one another

A young woman who says she's never coming home - at some point before that conversation was there no communication between Mum and daughter? I can't understand a relationship so distant that there wasn't several chats about the stuff and the room long before "I'm never coming back" - growing up I remember my siblings coming and going and there was ongoing dialogue about all these things.

Maybe they'd like OP to visit THEM? You've added a scenario that was never mentioned

Are you seriously trying to pretend you don't know what a memory box is?

OK, who said she expected you to store it forever?
Did you have a convo with her about her stuff and your plans to bin a lot of it?

PP is right. You sound angry that she has upped and left. There has to be a back story.
Couldn't you have FaceTimed and talked through the issues, shown her what you planned to bin, and made arrangements for the rest to go into storage etc?
This is important stuff from your daughter’s childhood you are throwing away.

I’d have binned it ages ago. If it was important, she’d have taken it with her

I have NOT binned all her memories. I threw away some certificates and drawings from primary school that have been under the bed since circa 2008! I threw away birthday cards from random birthdays but kept all the 18 and 21 cards. I donated about 50 writing pads that had never been used. Clothes, shoes, make up, teddy bears (about 50!) are all still here. I asked her repeatedly to go though stuff before she emigrated (she had several months to do this) and she would always say she couldn’t be bothered. She left the room in an absolute state with about 50 items of clothing on the floor. I had to do something and I guess her saying they weren’t coming back gave me the impetus to do it. Obviously I hung up all the clothes the day she left.

Oh and I forgot to say, I did take out half a suitcase of stuff she asked me to bring over when we visited.

Why would you get rid of birthday cards and certificates before old clothes? Without even asking her? She can buy new jeans, she can't replace certificates.

When my mother died and I was clearing out the house, I came across the cards that she'd received when I was born. They went straight in the recycling!

I can assure you she won’t care about a swimming certificate from 2005. I think I posted because at the end of going through stuff I was feeling sad (miss her). Only I know what I got rid of and I know she won’t miss those things, I’ll have to FaceTime about the rest because I can’t use up a whole bedroom for all of it. I had to clear out my parents house recently and they hadn’t binned anything since they moved there in the 70’s. It was horrendous and I don’t want my kids to have to do that here. I’ve also been going through my own stuff and have binned and donated loads.

I'm sorry, I think your initial posts came across more callous than you meant them to 🙏

Clearly this is coming from a place of sadness & I know I'd be devastated if one of my kids ever move away like that - even though it's perfectly normal!

I apologise for being so harsh 💐

Perhaps something like, oh yes Mum all that stuff in my room, please can you leave it until I get back from Aus? Yeah, sorry I left it in a mess when I left. Maybe even a, My GCSE maths certificate, please can you send me a copy over as I need it for a job. The DC will be 100% aware that they left their room in a shit state when they left - do they really expect it to stay like that for an endless number of years? Just some common courtesy really.