To have thrown away some of daughters stuff?

[yourenotkidding]

daughter left home for university in 2016. She came back for 18 months in 2020. Then she left in 2021 and hasn’t been home since. She has lived abroad ever since. When she left, if you were to look at her bedroom, it would look as if she had just popped to the bathroom. She did not clear anything away and the place was a shit tip. Over the last few days I have been through everything that was left here and I’ve thrown away about four bin bags worth of rubbish. Everything that is important has been left here stored under her Ottoman bed. She’s currently in Australia and told me on our last phone call that she had no plans to ever come back. I still feel bad for binning some of her crap. Talk me down.

Your fine. Don’t feel bad. Our kids grow up and move on. Believe me, she doesn’t want any of that stuff or she would have told you. I hope you have the opportunity to visit each other in the future. It’s hard when the babies that you so nurtured as a mother move on but it’s part of life and everyone’s experience is different. You’ll see each other again in perhaps different circumstances but you’ll see her again. Good luck.

This. I have kept some of my 4 children's stuff, baby scans and the plastic bracelet they give you in hospital, drawings, teeth (grim, sometimes not sure whose) and letters to the tooth fairy, baby pjs, and a fave outfit, and occasionally wheel it out - but they say "whose was that". I am more sentimental about my kids stuff than they are themselves. Move on. It is done now. They never took it with them when they went, they've never missed it, they won't come back and question where it went. Don't spend another minute over-thinking it or it will screw you up. It won't be screwing them up, believe me. xx

You said you felt bad for throwing her stuff away. Now you’re arguing that you’ve done nothing wrong and she won’t care.

From what you’ve written, it’s cold and thoughtless to have thrown things away. You clearly felt bad but are now arguing against people who think you’re in the wrong.

pointless

I agree with you - the kids are sentimental when SOMEONE ELSE is storing their crap. They need to deal with it. Just having that convo now with one of mine. If they ask for specific boxes, nicknacks, furniture to be kept then if possible then yes. But the crap. No.

@yourenotkidding My daughter did this, left behind clothes, jewellery videos ( yes, they have gone ! ) etc. etc. but most of it has gone now except for the football tops and jewellery. I told her what was still here and she told me to keep the tops. I've got a carved wood blanket box, used to be DD's and everything fitted in there . Perfect solution.
I don't think she will ever come back, to live here. she currently lives in Madrid teaching English in a school and has done for 11 years with her DP.
My son had left a lot of paperwork relating to his work, all out of date now, so it ALL went out to the recycling. He looked through it last time he was here though.
Set a date and tell your DK's that if they don't collect it then it's going. Is they haven't needed/wanted the things for X amount of years then they haven't missed/wanted any of it.
It was lovely to reclaim a room as OP said !

That's really nasty to bin personal memorabilia. It's irreplaceable and an email or phone to check call easy to make. It could be packed and sent or stored in a box in the loft until collected. There's clearly a HUGE back story for you to behave like that.

It's ok to throw it away. If she is never coming back then she isn't going to be able to pick up her stuff is she. It's her choice and I think it's fine.

@yourenotkidding

I don't see a problem, getting rid of the junk and tidying the room up is part of making it a nice space for her to use if/when she visits.
I think I would tell rather than ask and then get rid of whatever you want to, charity shops, ebay, bin etc whatever is appropriate

Most people under 25 don't much value the sentimental stuff but that could change when she's older. I'd try to keep the sentimental stuff that is left- maybe fill a folder with a collection of things. You can always buy more cream, you can't get your awards back.

I'd be curious why you threw the deeply personal things away? Maybe right now you feel disconnected from her due to distance?

I suppose it depends what her childhood was like. I had a drunk parent who would throw my stuff in the bins so I do feel more stressed out than most when trying to throw things.

It doesn’t sound like you have much regard for her if you don’t want to keep certificates etc It might be expensive to send stuff abroad but an A4 envelope of childhood memories would not have cost an excessive amount.

Surprised at how many people have the space and the inclination to keep stuff like old swimming certificates. Your daughter has clearly moved on with her life and you have the right to do the same.

I'm not sentimental and am a minimalist. I'd chuck everything. Take photos of drawings if need be, and keep a couple of sentimental items.

Of course ask her if there's anything she wants shipped to her - don't ask 'what she wants to get rid of' because it'll be very little.

You can't keep a time capsule, time to move on!

It's not that easy to 'just stay forever' in Australia. It's quite difficult to get residency, unless you're on the skills list, so she might be back!

I don’t think I’d have left it 4 years before clearing it out! Good on you, your daughter showed little or no respect for yr home, if her ‘things’ meant something you’d have assumed she’d have taken responsibility, sorted through her stuff and stored her treasures properly. Shame on her for leaving a tip for you to deal with.

You start by saying you feel bad, but in your subsequent posts, you don’t sound as though you feel bad at all. In fact you seem quite confident that you have done the right thing and have got a bit snippy with posters who have said they don’t agree with you.

Personally I would have at least spoken to my child and asked what she wanted doing with them. If you’re so confident that she’s not sentimental, then she wouldn’t have minded you throwing them and then you wouldn’t need ‘talking down’. Or I’d have boxed the things you’ve listed and stored them. Four bin bags of stuff put in boxes wouldn’t take up much room and I’d have liked to keep some of of those things for myself anyway.

It sounds like you’ve done it without thinking it through, possibly as a pp said, in anger and now you’re regretting it and want people to tell you it’s ok. There seems more to it because you’re all over the place in what you’re saying.

My mother did this. I'd left home for a summer in another city and decided to stay. One day a truck turned up. She'd sorted my stuff, thrown most of it away and sent me a couple of boxes. No warning or discussion. And I was 500 miles away, not 12000.

I've never been close to her, and it was two years before I visited. I guess she'd made it clear I had left. I was 19, and while I understand better now, our relationship never really recovered

I voted YANBU, but then I read your update - I want to change my vote to YABVU.

I’d have kept the drawings and hobby certificates in a drawer snd binned the old underwear. I’d talk to her about the clothes in the wardrobe if I was unsure and add as k if she wants it shipped, but unless there is anything special I’d charity shop all that.

And the solution is to THROW it away? You should have asked her years ago to tidy and clear it? You sound bitter, I am not surprised she never visits

I mean things like the nursery drawings etc weren’t really hers anyway… those were your keepsakes from her childhood. I find it odd you don’t want them and that you aimed for apparently sentimental items rather than old underwear and clothing.

Have the items you bagged up to bin gone already, or do you still have access to them? If gone, I don't see the point in saying anything to your daughter now except perhaps that you've packed her things into boxes under the bed so others can use the room.

Families and expectations around "leaving home" are all different; there's no "one size fits all". You and she know best what was decided or assumed between you and what reasonable handling of her items would be. If you're feeling guilty, perhaps you feel your triage process might have been a little overzealous by your own standards? I personally (as the parent) wouldn't have thrown away papers, drawings, and personal keepsakes, but (as the child) I wouldn't have left those strewn around the bedroom mixed in with valuable items and pure rubbish and expected to recover them years later, either.

For what's left, can you send her a kind of inventory (list out big items like the pieces of furniture in the garage, otherwise by category like "items from job x" or "bag of underwear and socks", with pics if it helps). Ask her what can be donated or thrown away. If you need the space or will be moving, tell her it all has to go but give her reasonable warning! If she wants the stuff and it's too much for her to pick up on a visit or have sent to her, then she can have it moved to a local storage unit. But it makes no sense to fume about it rather than just broaching the subject.

FWIW, I've been the child in this situation, not (so far) the parent.

Chuck the lot. She hasn’t lived there for 4 years. If she’d wanted any of it she’d have got it back by now. You’re not a storage unit. Nobody needs a school report from 20 years ago or their grade 2 swimming certificate. It’s just clutter that she doesn’t care about, and so you shouldn’t care about. She doesn’t live there anymore and it’s absolutely fine to repurpose the room. Apart from the 18 months of COVID she hasn’t lived there for almost 10 years. That’s too long to keep a shrine.

I'm your daughter in this situation. I moved to Australia and left all my stuff at my mum's although I did move back after a few years. My mum hoards and kept everything despite me telling her I didn't want any of it and to get rid.

I was never going to look at old primary school books, clothes I'd grown out of, trinkets I had. She kept it all just in case I changed my mind. I'm not very sentimental though and I don't like clutter and things from childhood were not important to me. I told her I'd have taken things with me if I had wanted it but it was up to her if she wanted to keep anything for herself.

I don't think you've done anything wrong.
I would have told her you were doing it but I'd have cleared out the room too.

my dd also went to uni in 2016,
left the country in 2021
but came back last year
personal things like nursery drawings and school books were often in my possession so i kept them anyway
i did not throw away clothes

just ask her

One person’s childhood mementos are another’s “what was that for again?”

I wouldn’t feel bad. If they were important she would have boxed them up before leaving again. She clearly didn’t, and people here talking about precious memories are the ones who will be handing their bemused kids a box of stuff they have no idea about when they hit adulthood.

my dm threw away my things that i had left at home, my old diaries, when she moved house, 15 years after i had left, sometimes i wish that she hadnt