AIBU? I said no when my friend wanted me to claim her vape when her husband caught her with one...

SadTexanChick · 2025-05-26T06:53:27+00:00

My friend, "Amy," and her husband, "Tom," have a rocky marriage. He is ready for kids and he wants her to quit her drinking (I would say she's borderline alcoholic) and he wants her to quit vaping. She's hiding the fact that she's doing both from him. He's seen her with her vape before but she made up some lie and he believed it (this happened a few times), but tonight, the vape fell out of her pocket and he saw it. Well, she pulls me aside, and wants me to tell her husband that the vape is mine. I tell her firmly, NO, that I feel very uncomfortable doing that, because it means that I am now lying to Tom, who is also a friend of mine and he's told me that he does not want her vaping.... I've been keeping it a secret out of my loyalty towards her. *SIGH* I told her instead that she needs to tell Tom, sincerely, that this is the last time FOR REAL that she smoked, but she tells me ITS NOT GOING TO BE. Like girl what???? Your husband is telling you that he is going to walk out on your marriage if you smoke and drink and you are still gonna do it, and you want me covering for you??? I told her no but I am feeling guilty. I feel like I should have just said that the pen was mine, I left at their house so she was carrying it around for me, etc etc... But a part of me did not want to lie for her anymore. I must add, she drank an entire bottle of wine tonight. So we'll see if hubby notices her drunk in bed tonight.

Dearg · 26/05/2025 07:56

Don’t feel guilty. It’s on her.

And of course he will notice the alcohol - the smell alone will tell him.

She’s adult enough to be married, so she is adult enough to take responsibility for her actions.

Original poster

SadTexanChick · 26/05/2025 07:58

Dearg · 26/05/2025 07:56

Don’t feel guilty. It’s on her.

And of course he will notice the alcohol - the smell alone will tell him.

She’s adult enough to be married, so she is adult enough to take responsibility for her actions.

She drank this fruity purple wine and I didn't smell any on her when I had to literally walk her to her bed. She's 33 btw.

OP posts:

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 26/05/2025 07:58

Never get involved in other people's lies...

BerniesAuntie · 26/05/2025 08:00

I mean no, I get why you wouldn’t want to lie. But he’s going to leave her over vaping? I don’t vape, and I’m very glad my husband doesn’t. But to leave her? What’s the back story?

treesareforlifenotjustforchristmas · 26/05/2025 08:01

Rocky marriage = shouldn’t have kids

borderline alcoholic = needs help of she can stop on her own

he wants her to quit vaping = that’s not his choice

lying about drinking an vaping = clearly the relationship isn’t working

lying to her husband for her about vaping = I would because I’d be worried that he may ‘kick off’ at her and I would want to protect my friend. But I don’t know this Tom or what he is like

whole situation seems immature and the relationship sound fragile. No you didn’t have to lie and if you didn’t want to then you didn’t have too.on the other hand friends do have other friends back and it was a grown women vaping not hiding a deep dark unthinkable secret for her

MmeChoufleur · 26/05/2025 08:02

I’d be more concerned that she’s with a controlling husband who thinks that he has the right to dictate her choices.

Renabrook · 26/05/2025 08:05

No chance she doesn't want to act like ke a grown up that is on her and no waywould i be having children with someone who acts like that

Ponoka7 · 26/05/2025 08:06

"I told her instead that she needs to tell Tom, sincerely, that this is the last time FOR REAL that she smoked, but she tells me ITS NOT GOING TO BE. Like girl what???? "

No she doesn't need to tell him anything except she's an adult and can make her own choices. If he then chooses to end the relationship, then so be it. It's the drinking they should both focus on. Perhaps she'll be happier if her marriage ends. Is she ready for kids? His part is minimal and enjoyable, he doesn't get to decide.

SparklyGlitterballs · 26/05/2025 08:06

I wouldn't lie for someone if they're doing something unhealthy like smoking/vaping or drinking to excess. I doubt this relationship will last. It's unlikely he's stupid enough to go on believing her lies, and he'll surely notice she's drunk if she's downed a whole bottle to herself.

Sheldon4k · 26/05/2025 08:10

You said age 33 and husband right??

not 13 year old and her dad??

What right does the husband have to tell her what she can and cant do? I see that as the biggest problem.

He can tell her he would prefer if she didnt drink and vape but ultimately what she does is up to her.

Now if she is indeed an alcoholic and he wants to help then I dont necessarily feel that saying "I am going to end our marriage if you dont stop" is the right way to go about it.

MmeChoufleur · 26/05/2025 08:11

he'll surely notice she's drunk if she's downed a whole bottle to herself.

Over what time frame? A bottle is 3 large glasses of wine. Over the course of an evening, that’s not ‘borderline alcoholic’ territory. If she’s secretly downed it in the toilet at 11am, that’s a different kettle of fish.

WildflowerConstellations · 26/05/2025 08:12

Sheldon4k · 26/05/2025 08:10

You said age 33 and husband right??

not 13 year old and her dad??

What right does the husband have to tell her what she can and cant do? I see that as the biggest problem.

He can tell her he would prefer if she didnt drink and vape but ultimately what she does is up to her.

Now if she is indeed an alcoholic and he wants to help then I dont necessarily feel that saying "I am going to end our marriage if you dont stop" is the right way to go about it.

I disagree.

You can't stop someone else from drinking. But you can say I don't want to continue a relationship with you and have children with you if you continue drinking.

If she is drinking excessively and lying about it she is not in a healthy place to be starting a family.

Original poster

SadTexanChick · 26/05/2025 08:12

BerniesAuntie · 26/05/2025 08:00

I mean no, I get why you wouldn’t want to lie. But he’s going to leave her over vaping? I don’t vape, and I’m very glad my husband doesn’t. But to leave her? What’s the back story?

He didn't tell her he's going to leave her over the vaping. He told her he's going to leave her over the drinking if she didn't stop. I think the vaping is just another thing he's tired of her doing all the time. The backstory, they were trying to have a kid at the end of last year and she ended up getting pregnant but it ended in a miscarriage. She told me that since then they've tried four times and she still hasn't gotten pregnant and I think that's what's causing her to spiral. But she refuses to talk to her husband about it and keeps wanting to brush this under the rug. I'm not sure why.

OP posts:

Original poster

SadTexanChick · 26/05/2025 08:13

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 26/05/2025 07:58

Never get involved in other people's lies...

This is how all our mutual friends feel when it comes to these two.

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SmoothRoads · 26/05/2025 08:14

YANBU for not wanting cover up for your friend's lies or lying to your other friend, who is her partner.

However, I find their relationship full of red flags. She clearly isn't ready for a baby. Right now she had a drinking problem and she does not feel comfortable saying no to her husband or telling him the truth. Either he is abusive or she has never learned to be an adult. Either way, a baby is the last things that needs to be added to this toxic stew of a relationship. It would not be fair on the child.

Tom needs to realize that his relationship and his partner are not suitable for having children. He also needs to learn that he doesn't get to tell another adult not to vape and/or drink. All he gets to decide is whether or not he wants to stay.

Amy needs to figure out if it is her relationship or her lack of a spine that has her walking on eggshells around Tom. In either case, they need to break up and both do some therapy.

Original poster

SadTexanChick · 26/05/2025 08:18

Sheldon4k · 26/05/2025 08:10

You said age 33 and husband right??

not 13 year old and her dad??

What right does the husband have to tell her what she can and cant do? I see that as the biggest problem.

He can tell her he would prefer if she didnt drink and vape but ultimately what she does is up to her.

Now if she is indeed an alcoholic and he wants to help then I dont necessarily feel that saying "I am going to end our marriage if you dont stop" is the right way to go about it.

I have no idea what these two's issues are. I just know that both of them have a really bad temper, and her drinking has been a problem for years. It's gotten past the point where he can just ask her that he thinks it's a problem because he's already tried all that. She literally will not stop doing it and she'll hide it until the end.

In fact, she told me that she plans on telling him that me and another one of our friends drank that entire bottle of wine tonight and not her when/if he asks her about it.

OP posts:

Spidey66 · 26/05/2025 08:18

To those who are saying he’s controlling for telling her he wants her to stop vaping/drinking….what if the roles were reversed? Plenty of MN are quick to say LTB if a poster said their husband was doing the same.

Double standards?

Original poster

SadTexanChick · 26/05/2025 08:19

MmeChoufleur · 26/05/2025 08:11

he'll surely notice she's drunk if she's downed a whole bottle to herself.

Over what time frame? A bottle is 3 large glasses of wine. Over the course of an evening, that’s not ‘borderline alcoholic’ territory. If she’s secretly downed it in the toilet at 11am, that’s a different kettle of fish.

I'd say from 9:00pm to 11pm, that bottle was empty.

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Safxxx · 26/05/2025 08:20

Everything happens for a reason, losing that child and unable to get pregnant again is a sign to move on from each other, I'm sure aside from not having kids there's other issues going on with them....it's not working..maybe it's time to call it a day, he should leave and you never know she might change her habits once his gone as clearly she's getting worse whilst his with her.

Original poster

SadTexanChick · 26/05/2025 08:20

Spidey66 · 26/05/2025 08:18

To those who are saying he’s controlling for telling her he wants her to stop vaping/drinking….what if the roles were reversed? Plenty of MN are quick to say LTB if a poster said their husband was doing the same.

Double standards?

Right??? Also the man wants to have kids. It's a problem that she's vaping and can't get a handle on her drinking and wants to get pregnant. She's not going to be able to stop doing this overnight just cuz she's pregnant. Of course he wants her to stop!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

SadTexanChick · 26/05/2025 08:23

Safxxx · 26/05/2025 08:20

Everything happens for a reason, losing that child and unable to get pregnant again is a sign to move on from each other, I'm sure aside from not having kids there's other issues going on with them....it's not working..maybe it's time to call it a day, he should leave and you never know she might change her habits once his gone as clearly she's getting worse whilst his with her.

This is how I've felt sometimes but I can't really say that to her.

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GoodCharl · 26/05/2025 08:23

She’s displaying sneaky alcoholic behaviour, lying, blaming others, hiding the amount she drinks. I think its best Tom serves her divorce papers. It wont get better, she clearly doesn’t want to help herself. At 33 her clocks ticking for kids. Shes not in the right headspace for those with her drinking. Poor Tom

Original poster

SadTexanChick · 26/05/2025 08:26

SmoothRoads · 26/05/2025 08:14

YANBU for not wanting cover up for your friend's lies or lying to your other friend, who is her partner.

However, I find their relationship full of red flags. She clearly isn't ready for a baby. Right now she had a drinking problem and she does not feel comfortable saying no to her husband or telling him the truth. Either he is abusive or she has never learned to be an adult. Either way, a baby is the last things that needs to be added to this toxic stew of a relationship. It would not be fair on the child.

Tom needs to realize that his relationship and his partner are not suitable for having children. He also needs to learn that he doesn't get to tell another adult not to vape and/or drink. All he gets to decide is whether or not he wants to stay.

Amy needs to figure out if it is her relationship or her lack of a spine that has her walking on eggshells around Tom. In either case, they need to break up and both do some therapy.

Edited

Tom is ready to walk out because he's been telling her for years that her drinking is a problem and she hasn't done anything besides make it worse. And she doesn't want to fix herself either. Otherwise I have told her I'll help her however I can. But she's always drinking, at least 3-4 times a week. All the bartenders in the area know her 🙄

OP posts:

Sheldon4k · 26/05/2025 08:27

Spidey66 · 26/05/2025 08:18

To those who are saying he’s controlling for telling her he wants her to stop vaping/drinking….what if the roles were reversed? Plenty of MN are quick to say LTB if a poster said their husband was doing the same.

Double standards?

I believe there is a difference between asking her to/wanting her to and telling her she has to (or divorce).

Controlling is the latter i would say.

MmeChoufleur · 26/05/2025 08:28

Spidey66 · 26/05/2025 08:18

To those who are saying he’s controlling for telling her he wants her to stop vaping/drinking….what if the roles were reversed? Plenty of MN are quick to say LTB if a poster said their husband was doing the same.

Double standards?

Not at all. I’m not saying he shouldn’t leave her; in fact if her drinking is that much of a problem he should leave her. But he can’t dictate what she does.

And the thread is about a vape pen. I don’t think anyone would say “LTB” over a vape. OP seems strangely judgemental over her ‘friend’.