AIBU? I said no when my friend wanted me to claim her vape when her husband caught her with one...

[SadTexanChick]

My friend, "Amy," and her husband, "Tom," have a rocky marriage. He is ready for kids and he wants her to quit her drinking (I would say she's borderline alcoholic) and he wants her to quit vaping. She's hiding the fact that she's doing both from him. He's seen her with her vape before but she made up some lie and he believed it (this happened a few times), but tonight, the vape fell out of her pocket and he saw it.

Well, she pulls me aside, and wants me to tell her husband that the vape is mine. I tell her firmly, NO, that I feel very uncomfortable doing that, because it means that I am now lying to Tom, who is also a friend of mine and he's told me that he does not want her vaping.... I've been keeping it a secret out of my loyalty towards her. SIGH

I told her instead that she needs to tell Tom, sincerely, that this is the last time FOR REAL that she smoked, but she tells me ITS NOT GOING TO BE. Like girl what???? Your husband is telling you that he is going to walk out on your marriage if you smoke and drink and you are still gonna do it, and you want me covering for you???

I told her no but I am feeling guilty. I feel like I should have just said that the pen was mine, I left at their house so she was carrying it around for me, etc etc... But a part of me did not want to lie for her anymore.

I must add, she drank an entire bottle of wine tonight. So we'll see if hubby notices her drunk in bed tonight.

This is utter bollocks, everything does not happen for a reason. Children with cancer - what’s the reason for that? Did they deserve it? Do they not have a right to live? I hate that phrase.

I had fertility problems for years including losing 2 babies. What was that a sign for then @Safxxx? Your post is incredibly offensive and I hope you will think carefully before using that phrase again.

Amy and Tom need relationship counselling imo. And YANBU in refusing to lie for her. She needs to be honest in her marriage.

Lying for a friend when doing something that will cause harm if she continues doing is not showing compassion, that is enabling. I’m sure OP has been there for her friend and shown compassion through her loss but this behaviour started before the loss. Maybe OP doesn’t want to just abandon her friend because she wants to help her stop drinking, surely abandoning her when she needs her is not showing compassion.

I'm not judgemental. I'm just tired of having to cover for her all the time.

If he’s your friend too then tell him about the drinking and vaping and walk away from the friendship.

No-one should bring children into a relationship with an addict. It’s not fair on the children!!

Completely disagree. Of course he can’t force her to stop, but he can say he doesn’t want to be married to someone with a drinking problem, or (perhaps on a lesser extent but still completely valid), someone addicted to vaping. And it’s certainly not a situation to bring children into.

There’s a huge amount of threads on here which would tell a woman to leave her relationship if her man was borderline alcoholic, and especially if he were lying about it and had zero intention of stopping. Not to mention if one person wants to start a family and the other has no intention of doing so or stopping bad habits to do so. That’s a huge reason to have a conversation about making either changes or ending the marriage.

I think some of these people have never actually been through any real life experience.

Some of these responses feel like they're from people who think enabling is helping.

You don't sound all that supportive of your friend. To me any adult is allowed to vape. It's better than smoking. I certainly wouldn't leave my partner over it. He sounds like a bully.

I would probably let her say it was mine. It wouldn't wash, surely. It was on her person. So she was obviously using it. So the excuse would not really help. And I'd tell her so.

I feel sorry for her, but if she doesn't want to stop vaping or drinking that's up to her. She's an adult.

If you are going to get involved with this couples business in any way please for the love of god speak to them to say they should not be considering bringing a child into the world, that would be really REALLY sad if they did

Tom is not a good guy either, why is he trying to bring kids into their fucked up marriage with an alcoholic mum?

Someone needs to tell Tom to sack his wife off and find someone sober who doesn’t lie.

How can you say the friend is an adult and in the same breath say OP should take the blame for her vaping?

Do you see how that makes zero sense?

Nobody has you should enable her. Quite the opposite, you should butt out. She’s gone from drinking a bottle of wine, to drinking “at least a couple of times a week”, to “ at least 3 or 4 times a week” to you sneaking alcohol to her over the course of this thread. She’s also progressed from vaping to “smoking”.

Enabling is definitely not helping I agree. I also think some posters aren’t reading the whole thread. Just read a husband wants a wife to stop doing something so all of a sudden it’s a controlling husband situation (which doesn’t appear to be true)

And if a woman said to an alcoholicon man "Iif you don't stop with the problem drinking I'm off. I don't want children with an alcoholic" would that be controlling or sensible?

I guess the question is why can’t she be honest with him? Has she been a borderline alcoholic in recent times or is it a long term thing. Is he trying to stop her drinking and smoking out of concern. Can she be the person he wants her to be? Is she using alcohol as an escape? A lot of questions but their situation doesn’t sound healthy.

This!

I’d feel so guilty if I covered it up and they got pregnant with her husband thinking she’d given up. Clearly he doesn’t want a child with an alcoholic. That’s his choice. But he needs to know the real situation. Please don’t cover it up. Think of the potential child with an alcoholic mother and a father who will probably leave when he realises the truth.

I would take the blame because I know that it wouldn't work. Let her say it belongs to someone else, he'll know it's not true.

Tom probably doesn't know the half of it if he's like many partners of problem drinkers. It's highly likely he believes she drinks less than half of the amount she actually does, and is still believing the lies that she and her well meaning friends have been telling him. Obviously he shouldn't be considering having children with her. But partners of alcoholics often have no idea of what they're dealing with, and believe that the person can and will stop, because that's what they're told.

How often? Daily? Weekly?

Don't lie for her. She shouldn't be expecting you to lie, and get yourself involved with her marriage issues. Does she not want to try for a baby? Or does she not want a child with her husband? She's vaping and a borderline alcoholic, and neither can continue if she does want a baby, something she must realise. I can only assume that having a baby now/or with her husband isn't on her list of priorities. If that's the case, she needs to be honest with her husband. If that means, coupled with her drinking and vaping, he walks away from the marriage, then so be it. If she's willing to allow that to happen, and doesn't want to address her issues, then she doesn't think enough of her husband, to at least try. He'd be better off divorcing her, and finding someone else who makes him happy. Unfortunately, an alcoholic is selfish, and the next drink will always come before anything or anyone else.

She is free to drink and vape as much as she wants, but she needs to accept her marriage is over rather than dragging her friends into it.

Tom drew his line in the sand. Rather than be honest and freeing herself from this “controlling” husband so she can do what she likes unencumbered, she’s lying and sneaking bottles of wine. Why on Earth would you enable your friend to self destruct like that? Sneaking alcohol into the house and necking it to get drunk is far, far from healthy behaviour.

Step right back from it Op. It isn’t going to end well and you don’t want to be in the firing line when it blows up. Tom just needs to leave. There is no way a child should be brought into this mess.

The answers on this thread are mental.

Op, you need to step away from this friendship. She's not going to get better with you enabling her, you're going to really regret helping her if the husband finds out and stays.

When you say he's got a "temper" does that mean a temper, or does that mean aggressive/violent?

If he just has a temper, I'd tell him the truth. The whole truth, he deserves to know and not risk having a child with an alcoholic that will ruin his life. And you need to get out of the friendship with her permanently. It will drag you down. He's trying to control the situation because that's exactly what people do when living with an alcoholic. It's one of the first things you learn in Al anon. "You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it".

You're helping her to keep him in an abusive relationship.

However , if he's violent or abusive, she needs help, but you still need to stop providing alcohol and excuses. You're making things worse.

Oh, I think ‘poor Tom’ will find OP is ready and waiting. He’ll be fine.

So OP should tell Tom, her friend, a lie even whilst knowing he won’t believe the lie?

Eh? OP probably has her own husband, why would she want Tom?