AIBU? I said no when my friend wanted me to claim her vape when her husband caught her with one...

[SadTexanChick]

My friend, "Amy," and her husband, "Tom," have a rocky marriage. He is ready for kids and he wants her to quit her drinking (I would say she's borderline alcoholic) and he wants her to quit vaping. She's hiding the fact that she's doing both from him. He's seen her with her vape before but she made up some lie and he believed it (this happened a few times), but tonight, the vape fell out of her pocket and he saw it.

Well, she pulls me aside, and wants me to tell her husband that the vape is mine. I tell her firmly, NO, that I feel very uncomfortable doing that, because it means that I am now lying to Tom, who is also a friend of mine and he's told me that he does not want her vaping.... I've been keeping it a secret out of my loyalty towards her. SIGH

I told her instead that she needs to tell Tom, sincerely, that this is the last time FOR REAL that she smoked, but she tells me ITS NOT GOING TO BE. Like girl what???? Your husband is telling you that he is going to walk out on your marriage if you smoke and drink and you are still gonna do it, and you want me covering for you???

I told her no but I am feeling guilty. I feel like I should have just said that the pen was mine, I left at their house so she was carrying it around for me, etc etc... But a part of me did not want to lie for her anymore.

I must add, she drank an entire bottle of wine tonight. So we'll see if hubby notices her drunk in bed tonight.

And she won't stop when she gets pregnant, because she's an alcoholic. How will you feel if she has a baby with fetal alcohol syndrome?

If OP can see her friend borderline alcoholic then Tom can see the same.

I didn't say I would sneak alcohol. But to me vaping is nothing. I guess I'm in the minority.

I know you can't just tell someone to stop drinking and they'll do it. But I would encourage her not to, or to reduce if possible.

Where did you get that from, you weirdo? OP's been lying to the man for months. She could have told him and been a shoulder to cry on ages ago.

Tom isn't the one seeing how much she's drinking. He's being gas lit by being told what looks like a drunk woman, and sounds like a drunk woman is just his exhausted wife crashing in bed. People living with alcoholics are constantly being gaslit into not believing their own senses. It's genuinely abusive. They never know how much is being drunk

Why? Just because he's a man doesn't mean he shouldn't have the much vaunted Mumsnet bar. His bar is clearly that he doesn't want a drunk and a liar for a partner. Why shouldn't he leave? Controlling would be making sure she has no money to buy the booze or not letting her leave the house to buy it. Telling her he will leave if she doesn't stop, isn't controlling; he's just telling her what will happen because he's had enough. She sounds like a lost cause anyway and it would be totally wrong for them to have a child.

Blimey is she 12? We did this sort of thing when we were caught with a cigarette as a teen "I was holding it for someone else". Sounds like their marriage is dead in the water anyway if they are even lying about something as minor as a vape.

Vaping by itself is one thing but to me it all needs to be taken in the round. Op isn’t really kicking off about just vaping, it just sounds like the straw that broke the camel’s back after being dragged into Amy’s lies one to many times.

Yup - mean comments like “all the bartenders know her”, come on OP that’s pretty sour……

Stop covering for her, stop being her gopher your just fuelling her drinking and don’t be surprised if you get a load of shit/ blame thrown at you for helping her hide her issues
no way in this world would it be good to bring a baby into the mix it would probably have FAS and it would be an awful start to life for it

She's not trying to hide it from OP.

Yeah, I see that.

I agree. OP has been really cruel about her friend, before backtracking to say she buys the booze, she is a kind friend. 🙄

No, don't cover up for her, it won't end well.

Apart from that "he doesn't want her vaping" - she is not a child, it's her decision to make, not his place to dictate her habits or pleasures. Vaping is not smoking. Maybe she could go outside if he really hates it.

On the other hand if she's drinking to excess that's a real problem with consequences for all those around her, but she would have to realise this herself. He can't do it for her, and nor can you.

It doesn’t sound the sort of marriage that will survive the hand grenade that a baby can be. You’re doing them both a favour.

Don't get involved in other people's marriages. It will only lead to trouble.

Step away from this shit show.
You are completely over involved.

This couple do not need children added to their toxic mess.

Poor Tom! She sounds awful. It's time for them to separate but they have to decide this for themselves. Until then, keep out of it and don't lie to or for anyone

To be honest I think the vaping is the least of her/his/their problems. She’s borderline alcoholic and they’re thinking of conceiving? Her alcoholism is very serious and she needs to tackle that. Vaping is neither here nor there in comparison.

Why are you buying someone alcohol, secretly ‘sneaking it’ to them and watching them ‘neck it’ when you know they have an issue with alcohol? Sometimes being a good friend is saying no, that’s really unhealthy and I’m not going to enable you to do something harmful. What are you doing when she’s necking the booze you’ve been sneaking in for her? It all sounds really teenage and an incredibly unstable dynamic for a baby to potentially be added to.

It’s up to her if she vapes and drinks and you should advise her that she shouldn’t feel the need to hide it.

I don’t think 1 bottle of wine is outrageous to be honest and vaping is less offensive to others than smoking.

She doesn't 'have you' doing anything.

You're choosing to do it and then giving it "Oh what to do? It's all so terrible".

She's an alcoholic and you need to take responsibility for your own actions, even if she won't take responsibility for hers.

Just stop doing anything for her or with her that involves booze.

You can tell this is an American thread and not a British one when someone is described as borderline alcoholic for drinking a single bottle of wine in an evening 😂

YANBU to not want to cover for your friend, but I don't see that she's doing anything especially wrong in enjoying a drink and a vape on a weekend. It seems to me like they're just not a compatible couple, and also that you're potentially not compatible as friends. She's clearly a good time girl, who's not ready to settle yet, if at all. Her DH has very different values to her, and it sounds like you do too.

The reason people are describing OP's friend as borderline alcoholic is because of her behaviour - she is trying to rope OP in as her enabler, triangulating with her against her partner, and shows the typical Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer mindset that goes hand in hand with alcoholism.

https://www.priorygroup.com/blog/alcoholic-behaviour-recognising-the-signs-and-managing-its-impact

Have you thought to ask why Amy drinks in the first place? She's clearly trying to cope with something and it could be that Tom is a lot more angry than you realise.