AIBU? I said no when my friend wanted me to claim her vape when her husband caught her with one...

[SadTexanChick]

My friend, "Amy," and her husband, "Tom," have a rocky marriage. He is ready for kids and he wants her to quit her drinking (I would say she's borderline alcoholic) and he wants her to quit vaping. She's hiding the fact that she's doing both from him. He's seen her with her vape before but she made up some lie and he believed it (this happened a few times), but tonight, the vape fell out of her pocket and he saw it.

Well, she pulls me aside, and wants me to tell her husband that the vape is mine. I tell her firmly, NO, that I feel very uncomfortable doing that, because it means that I am now lying to Tom, who is also a friend of mine and he's told me that he does not want her vaping.... I've been keeping it a secret out of my loyalty towards her. SIGH

I told her instead that she needs to tell Tom, sincerely, that this is the last time FOR REAL that she smoked, but she tells me ITS NOT GOING TO BE. Like girl what???? Your husband is telling you that he is going to walk out on your marriage if you smoke and drink and you are still gonna do it, and you want me covering for you???

I told her no but I am feeling guilty. I feel like I should have just said that the pen was mine, I left at their house so she was carrying it around for me, etc etc... But a part of me did not want to lie for her anymore.

I must add, she drank an entire bottle of wine tonight. So we'll see if hubby notices her drunk in bed tonight.

Follow the lead and MYOB.
You seem as annoyed and involved with her drinking, as much her husband.

Tom's not 100% innocent in this either, he has a bad temper and he doesn't know how to deal with emotional topics. But I can see where he's coming from as well. She's drinking alone, at least a couple of times a week, lying to him about it, and refusing to accept help. She has a lot of excuses as to why she's drinking.

I'm her go to call when she wants me to sneak her alcohol. And you're right, I'm getting tired of it. It makes me feel like I'm helping in breaking up their marriage. It's been like this for like 6-7 months now.

She looked super annoyed with me tonight when I said I wouldn't lie for her anymore.

I have a friend who was like yours ten years ago.

now they have one child together. she drinks secretly on the way home from work to pick him up + smokes around him. her husband feels totally stuck - he doesn’t trust her to look after their child by herself. So they stay married while she drinks herself to sleep most nights / just about holds on to her job and gets progressively more obese and unhealthy looking.

presumably there will be a breaking point eventually - but I can’t help thinking that if they broke up before it all happened they could both have chosen happier paths

Shed probably be happier without him and without the friends who are discussing her behind her back.

I dont disagree with you on that point. I have read further comments from the OP which now indicate this has been a long term problem and he has asked/tried to resonate with her over numerous years.
Rather than just a case of "i want a baby and to settle down so you need to stop drinking and smoking".

From reading further it may be that she needs him to walk away from the relationship to realise the severity of her alcohol problem, rather than it being an empty threat if he has been threatening for quite some time.

Amy and Tom are in trouble. If you're correct, she has a problem with alcohol and he is making the mistake of believing he can control it so their life becomes fit to bring children into it. She isn't ready to stop drinking and so is lying to him. I think its really important you don't help her to convince Tom he's wrong. I know it relates to the vape not the alcohol on this occasion, but its all part of the same pattern of dishonesty and gaslighting that partners of problem drinkers typically have to endure, and its very damaging. Tom needs to understand the situation without being mislead by friends loyalty to Amy. I think as a friend to both, you need to decide how much you're prepared to offer in support and to who. You are in danger of becoming involved in a very complicated situation.

We're not discussing her behind her back. I meant to say this is how we all feel about her trying to get us involved in her business with her and her husband because she's doing these things that she told him also that she wouldn't do but she still doing it and hiding it from him and using us as ways of hiding it from him.

Yikes, she does not sound like she is anywhere near ready to be pregnant or a mum if she can’t get a handle on her drinking.

Don’t lie to protect her because she will then keep putting you in a position where you have to lie. What would you do if she had a child, was drunk and asked you to “cover” for her? Because she sounds like she is already an alcoholic rather than on the path to being one. Her husband deserves to know the person he is hoping to have kids with so he can make an informed choice on if he wants that person to be the mother of his children and responsible for helping to raise them. Don’t lie to help her keep her marriage together, if she isn’t willing to change and be better for her husband then she will only have herself to blame if it falls apart.

The thread is about a vape but reading, it is very clear alcohol is a problem. Op doesn’t seem strangely judgemental at all, yes judgemental because of the position her friend keeps putting her in but nothing strange about it

I think this might be one of those situations where you can’t see how ridiculous it is while you’re in it. As he is your friend, I think it’s highly unlikely Tom would believe you had suddenly taken up vaping just as his wife had stopped. That alone is good enough reason for not going along with it. So no you aren’t being unreasonable at all and I think the only reason you’re unsure about that is because you are a good friend and too close to this mess.

Her drinking/ alcoholism is the root of the problem and will continue to cause her all sorts of other problems. It will also have an increasing effect on the people around her. If you haven’t already read the alcoholism board here. You might not want to distance yourself from your friend, but developing some detachment will allow you to not feel guilty about the consequences of her choices and stop you getting dragged into the chaos alcoholics frequently create

Yes, I'm sorry for not making it more clear. The vape pen today is kind of where I just threw the line I guess. Like if this had been the only incident sure I would have covered for her, like I have before, but this is one of many and she was also drinking at the same time and and boasting about how she's not going to stop doing either while we were in the kitchen and he was in the living room. And that's kind of when I decided that I don't want to lie for her anymore.

This is BS. Anyone (man or woman) can leave a relationship for any reason and people here recommend they do if the relationship isn't working. What they do not get to do is tell the other people what they can and cannot do.

In the same way that a man does not get tell a woman to get pregnant, stop drinking or do anything else. A woman is not vessel for his baby wishes. If he wants a baby, he needs to find someone who is on the same page.

But from everything you have shared about the two of them, I hope neither of them ever have a baby. The poor child! These people are not suitable to be parents and they would cause any child a lot of trauma.

This. Tom sounds horrendous. No way would inregard a man like this as my friend. And I would do all I could to protect my friend from his controlling ways, yes. While also encouraging her to leave him.

You dont sound as if you like her very much OP. Why are you even friends?

If he has asked her to stop and she won't stop, he needs to just leave. Not keep threatening to leave as a means of trying to control her, but actually leave because she has made it clear that she isn't going to change.

Her situation is more complicated. Is she hiding because she knows that she has a problem that she doesn't yet want to face up to, or is she hiding because she has an abusive husband who will "punish" her if she doesn't do what he says. Either way, it sounds like she needs to get out of the relationship and she may need additional support to deal with her unhealthy drinking as well. As for the vaping, I can't stand it, but she is a grown adult and can do what she likes.

I don't think you were BU to refuse to lie for her. But in your shoes, I would be trying to unpick exactly why she feels the need to hide it and then support accordingly.

Her friend is obviously struggling with her recent loss. A bit of compassion wouldn’t go amiss towards a supposed friend. And if OP is at her wits end by her friend drinking wine three times a week and (shock!) vaping she should walk away from the friendship instead of getting sucked into the drama and looking down her nose at the woman’s alleged character flaws.

I agree. They shouldn't be having a kid.

You say you "sneak her alcohol" - what are the circumstances surrounding this? To what extent does Tom have her trapped, so that she cannot access her own alcohol if she wants to drink?

It does sound like she may be drinking excessively. Very likely as a form of self medication to deal with the stress of living with a controlling bully?

I doubt she'll be able to get sober in this relationship. It sounds Hellish for her - highly emotionally abusive
She sounds scared of her husband,

You said age 33 and husband right??
not 13 year old and her dad??

This was my thought too! Honestly - this sounds like a shitshow that you’d do well to stay out of. That said, if you really want to help her - If she’s a good friend and you genuinely have worries about her drinking - all you can do is sit her down kindly and calmly one day over a coffee and tell her how you feel and offer your support. But I’d still say you’d do well to stay right out of her marital problems as that never ends well.

I'm not looking down on her at all. How am I looking down at her when I've literally been helping her get away with doing all of this. She told her husband that she doesn't drink anymore and she doesn't smoke yet she still does. I think that's extremely wrong. You can't flip this around and blame him at all for this. He told her that if she doesn't stop doing this he's leaving and she told him she's not doing it anymore and that's why she's sneaking around still doing it because if he finds out he's going to leave he's not telling her what she should and shouldn't do he's telling her that if she keeps doing something that she's telling him she doesn't do he's going to walk out.

This lady has me sneaking and wine into her house so that she can chug it down real fast before her husband sees it. She's not even enjoying her drinks she's literally just drinking to get drunk. Is that not the definition of an alcoholic and should I not be very concerned as a friend?

I have read your comments and I agree with you, you shouldn’t be covering for her, she’s an adult not an underage teen. If she chooses to keep drinking and vaping that’s her choice but she has to own it and face the consequences that may come from it

She is deceiving her husband. She wants to remain married but wants none of the responsibilities that go with it, such as being accountable for her own actions as a partner.
He wants a healthy wife and healthy children. That’s a reasonable expectation from him. As it stands, they want different things. Maybe she has lied about that too because he hasn’t yet realised that she’s deliberately deceiving him. I hope he soon finds out.

She is simply wanting to delay the inevitable. Maybe the arrangement as it stands is convenient for her but she’s living a lie and you should have nothing to do with those lies. If you had lied on her behalf you would have been complicit in her eventual downfall. Well done for your good sense.

Let’s hope your firm No helped her come to her senses in time and start to live a healthier life for her own sake and through her own efforts.

The majority of women drink (and some smoke or vape) till they get pregnant and then stop. Exactly what I did and lots of people I know. And I had issues with alcohol (now sober) - but I didn't drink, or smoke while pregnant.

Your friend is drinking about three times a week - it's hardly gin for breakfast. You seem to be singing from Tom's gym sheet of control here. You do say he is your friend.....

Your posts are escalating somewhat aren’t they?

You sound really judgemental. Maybe you should just end the ‘friendship’.