AIBU? I said no when my friend wanted me to claim her vape when her husband caught her with one...

[SadTexanChick]

My friend, "Amy," and her husband, "Tom," have a rocky marriage. He is ready for kids and he wants her to quit her drinking (I would say she's borderline alcoholic) and he wants her to quit vaping. She's hiding the fact that she's doing both from him. He's seen her with her vape before but she made up some lie and he believed it (this happened a few times), but tonight, the vape fell out of her pocket and he saw it.

Well, she pulls me aside, and wants me to tell her husband that the vape is mine. I tell her firmly, NO, that I feel very uncomfortable doing that, because it means that I am now lying to Tom, who is also a friend of mine and he's told me that he does not want her vaping.... I've been keeping it a secret out of my loyalty towards her. SIGH

I told her instead that she needs to tell Tom, sincerely, that this is the last time FOR REAL that she smoked, but she tells me ITS NOT GOING TO BE. Like girl what???? Your husband is telling you that he is going to walk out on your marriage if you smoke and drink and you are still gonna do it, and you want me covering for you???

I told her no but I am feeling guilty. I feel like I should have just said that the pen was mine, I left at their house so she was carrying it around for me, etc etc... But a part of me did not want to lie for her anymore.

I must add, she drank an entire bottle of wine tonight. So we'll see if hubby notices her drunk in bed tonight.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if he's the reason she's drinking. Something sounds a bit off about all this.

Yanbu to refuse to lie for anyone.
I find it strange that your friend feels like she has to hide a vape from her husband though. She isn't 14. The alcohol- how much is she actually drinking on a weekly basis. It's not uncommon for people of that age group to drink a bottle of wine three nights a week. She also had to be walked to bed after just a bottle, unusual - even for people who aren't huge drinkers. Obviously her husband is perfectly entitled to not want a relationship with someone who drinks alcohol or vapes. He can end it and find someone else.
There could be more going on with the relationship dynamic than you realise. You wouldn't know whether her husband is controlling in many other aspects of her life, for example. It's often hidden well. Staying out of their marriage completely is sensible and you should tell her not to ask you to lie for her.

It's not uncommon for people of that age group to drink a bottle of wine three nights a week.

Normalising it doesn't make it OK. If anything it just encourages bad habits.

Most bottles of wine contain 9 or 10 units of alcohol, so the friend is drinking 27 - 30 units a week, which is roughly twice the maximum recommended amount and not ideal if she wants a baby.

It doesn't make someone a borderline alcoholic though does it.

Yeah, I mean, it must be down to the nasty man somehow. Surely.

Is it controlling to tell someone you’ll split up if they don’t do X?

It depends on what the X is. Giving up drugs or alcohol if there is a dependency issue then I don't think it is controlling.

Wind your neck in pal, I didn't say "must be the man" did I?

I completely agree he has the right. I actually feel he should.
I just dont feel it should be used as an ultimatum.
As OP said, he isnt innocent either and has a bad temper too, sounds like they would probably be better off apart in this situation.

It doesn't matter if she burnt down a while row of houses, killed ten people and jumped up and down naked on the roof of a Ford Focus, there is still a reason why she drinks to excess. Maybe it's not Tom. Perhaps she has unresolved trauma. Whatever it is, there is something that started her off and a good friend would try and get to the bottom of it.

So you too think that he should just leave suddenly without first telling her ? You're fine with that, but saying "look, if you won't stop drinking I will have to leave" is not on? It's not really a position I can make logical sense of.

Maybe it's not Tom? Magnanimous of you.

I for one don't think that substance addiction is a 'personal choice' that a marriage partner ought to accept meekly.

If they planning on a family she should not be drinking or vaping (we don't know the long term effects of vapes).
The wife is also lying to her husband.
Based on the information we have been given, the wife is in the wrong. I wouldn't stay with a spouse who lied and broke promises.

She's got major issues, and I doubt the miscarriage was easy for her, but maybe they need to work this out for themselves, any input from you will go down badly..just back off, you cannot make an alcoholic stop drinking, they are the only ones who can make that decision and then you support them that's all.

I think it’s more that he will choose not to be with her and that’s his right

Yes & what exactly has driven her to feel the need to cover the truth, drives her to drink so much & not even be permitted to make her own choices re vaping? Such a controlling husband & she shouldn't wish to be with someone so controlling as him

She can join 12Step Meetings for support, she's most surely not on her own - Numerous other sufferers can & will support her

Doesn't want her drinking or smoking? She's afraid to let him know she is. Sounds like a controlling relationship to me. If he is threatening to leave because of it she is better off without him.

I would have lied, 100%.
Reading between the lines, she is scared to be honest with her husband, scared of being verbally or physically abused maybe? She is can't stop drinking and vaping, using it as a crutch to manage abuse she is facing or trauma?
You never know what goes on behind closed doors, I've had a friend who was in an abusive relationship, I was completely oblivious to it and didn't find out until she left him. I now look back and see that there were signs there.

I feel that the word "controlling" is overused here.

Wanting a partner to give up vaping and drinking too much is, IMO not controlling, but a reasonable request.

You can't stop her vaping or drinking. Her husband can't stop her, either. Let them get on with it - it's a situation that will resolve itself. If she is a problem drinker, only she can sort herself out.

Don't lie for her. They sound incompatible as partners and coparents. It's probably for the best that they split and/or don't have kids together.

I think it's hard to judge someone based on someone else's point of view. The question is why does he want her to not drink? There are plenty of relationships that work well but when 1 or both are drinking it can become really toxic, they often get to a point where they have to decide if they will stop drinking or end the relationship. Sometimes drinking can cause huge mental health flare ups and the more they drink, the worse it gets, so they drink more to forget and it becomes a relentless cycle. Others will blow all thier budget on drink and suffer from debts and hardship because of it. Maybe he knows the consequences of her drinking and is trying to help her to a better quality of life. Living with an addict who lies all the time can be totally exhausting, and can push people to be the worst version of themselves.
They need to have an honest conversation with each other and figure out whether it is going to work, a relationship based on lies will always crumble eventually.

Completely Concur With You
Thank you for sharing your compassionate enlightenments