AIBU? I said no when my friend wanted me to claim her vape when her husband caught her with one...

[SadTexanChick]

My friend, "Amy," and her husband, "Tom," have a rocky marriage. He is ready for kids and he wants her to quit her drinking (I would say she's borderline alcoholic) and he wants her to quit vaping. She's hiding the fact that she's doing both from him. He's seen her with her vape before but she made up some lie and he believed it (this happened a few times), but tonight, the vape fell out of her pocket and he saw it.

Well, she pulls me aside, and wants me to tell her husband that the vape is mine. I tell her firmly, NO, that I feel very uncomfortable doing that, because it means that I am now lying to Tom, who is also a friend of mine and he's told me that he does not want her vaping.... I've been keeping it a secret out of my loyalty towards her. SIGH

I told her instead that she needs to tell Tom, sincerely, that this is the last time FOR REAL that she smoked, but she tells me ITS NOT GOING TO BE. Like girl what???? Your husband is telling you that he is going to walk out on your marriage if you smoke and drink and you are still gonna do it, and you want me covering for you???

I told her no but I am feeling guilty. I feel like I should have just said that the pen was mine, I left at their house so she was carrying it around for me, etc etc... But a part of me did not want to lie for her anymore.

I must add, she drank an entire bottle of wine tonight. So we'll see if hubby notices her drunk in bed tonight.

I doubt its just about vaping. It's about lying. xH used to smoke which I disliked. But that was his choice, however he'd always lie about it. He'd tell me he'd quit when he hadn't or lie about where he was when he'd nipped out.
I told him repeatedly that, yes I didn't like the cigarettes, but not to lie to me.
I regret not making it a bigger deal now because he lied about other things, about cheating, about money, about drugs.
I'm with the husband on this one. People who lie about little things will certainly lie about big ones. You can't be in a relationship with someone you can't trust. Being upset at your partner being dishonest is not controlling.

Hilarious, you bought her sneaky alcohol.
Enabling her.

Would you ask someone that if it was their husband or father who was drinking? Or even mother? Is it only wives who are allowed excuses.
The usual reason people of either sex drink to excess is addiction. The usual reason hide their drinking is addiction. The usual reason people make excuses for their drinking is addiction. The friend is allegedly trying to conceive but even that isn't stopping her drinking - that's addiction.

@ClairDeLaLune my reply wasn't to you I'm sorry it triggered you. This isn't all about child loss and people with cancers...those two are having relationship problems and I did say aside from not having kids it could be other issues too....great if they can go through counselling and sort it out, but if not then separation is the key...I'm not saying divorce but taking time out for now might help....I'm sorry for your loss 😔 I know the pain of infertility and child loss.... I've been through infertility & I've had 3 miscarriages and 1 full term stillborn baby boy ....I've also been blessed with 3 kids...I'm a great believer of everything happens for a reason....I've seen many reasons behind mine...not straight away but later on it all made sense to me....even when it's not made sense I've took them blows and accepted fate ....life is like a rollercoaster...good/bad, gain/loss etc follow each other. I've just learnt to count my blessings on a bad day and that helps me through. I hope you go on to have healthy pregnancies and children ❤️

Whilst I agree about not controlling your spouse’s behaviours, some major lifestyle behaviours are dealbreakers. I just would not be in a relationship with someone who smoked/vaped and heavy drinking may would have me seriously reconsidering the relationship, too. But if otherwise the relationship was good, it seems logical to try and change the behaviour first rather than end the relationship.

I would lie for my friend

Sounds like they have an awful relationship and shouldn’t be thinking about a baby any time soon.

If she’s a “borderline” alcoholic (which probably means she is one) they definitely shouldn’t be having a baby soon. And you can’t coerce someone into just not having an addiction, she needs to want to stop. She doesn’t sound like she’s in a place where babies are what she wants anyway.

He sounds horribly controlling and coercive. Deciding he wants a baby so she has to turn into a human incubator on his command. Not that I’m saying her drinking and smoking are a good idea, but it’s her choice, and he shouldn’t be controlling her because he has other plans for her body.

For those says it’s a double standard, it doesn’t sound like she’s impacting him by vaping at least (the drinking you haven’t mentioned as far as I’ve read that she’s violent, aggressive or anything) so again not a double standard with women trying to stop their problematic drinking husbands.

I hope neither of them ever have a baby. The poor child! These people are not suitable to be parents and they would cause any child a lot of trauma.

I agree.

@SadTexanChick all you need to do is tell your friend you are not going to lie for her any more.

The friend got herself into this mess. She can deal with it herself. You just need to stay out of it.

Surely not??? That's unheard of here!

But have you thought that maybe Tom wants Amy to stop drinking because he knows she murdered an innocent pensioner while she was drunk?
Anyone can play the "let's make stuff up so we can blame the person we want to blame" game.

Neither of them sound like parent material tbh.

If your friend has a problem, then it's not a bad thing to talk to your other friends about it.
The issue here is that despite discussing it, the OP appears to be enabling it rather than doing anything that would help.

It's not her choice whether he has kids with a woman who continues to drink to excess.

YANBU, as a pp said - don’t get involved in her lies.

So what's your point? That he shouldn't give her any warning that he will leave if she doesn't stop drinking, he should just suddenly do it? Otherwise he is "trying to control her"?

It's always been a motto of mine that one should never, ever lie about the little things. That way people are much more likely to believe you when you lie about the big ones.

Google Fetal alcohol spectrum disorder and share the link with your friend.

I used to work in children's services and alcohol damage is worse than drug damage to a foetus. If she is a problem drinker she MUST stop drinking before she becomes pregnant. Otherwise it's a life long sentence for her child.

I wouldn't lie for her or sneak her alcohol, but I'd be prepared for the friendship to end as a result.

Honestly, in some ways that would probably be a relief, because the two of them sound like too much drama.

It is like a kindergarten.

Edited: Kindergarten with vaping and alcohol.

Sharon, wasp, wine on wall vibes

@Sheldon4k yes she has the right to drink and vape. But he also has the right to leave the marriage if he chooses, for whatever reason. To be honest, I wouldn’t want to be married to a vaping lying alcoholic either!

No one can force an alcoholic to give up drinking.

Stop drinking with her, stop covering for her. If her husband makes ultimatums he needs to stick to it.

Are you buying her alcohol???

Alcohol is sweated out through the skin so he'll smell it.
Vapes make your breath absolutely foul so he'll notice that too.
Presumably she doesn't really want children. Perhaps it's for the best if they just split up

@SadTexanChick

She's an alcoholic and you're sneaking alcohol for her to drink? I think you should seek out your local chapter of Al-Anon to learn about alcoholic behaviour and enabling.

You are right to stop lying for her. Now stop providing her with alcohol. If she wants to drink, that's her decision. But you don't need to and shouldn't be contributing to it.