Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

[AurumVox]

Hi…I really need some advice if possible as I can’t tell if it’s me having an issue with my mums new partner because it’s new or whether I should be genuinely worried.

To give some context, I’m 41/F, my mum is 68. We lost our dad (step father who raised us) 3 years ago and my mum has started dating a guy (73) over the last 6 months. I met him this week as I live about 200 miles away so I’m visiting currently.

I want to start off by saying the huge amount of relief I felt when I found out that mum had met somebody, although it was hard and different I actively encouraged it as I knew how much mum was missing my stepdad who she was with for 31 years, I also worry a lot being so far away so to know that she’s been so happy and that she’s spending time enjoying her self has been the biggest relief.

In the first few months of them dating mum was really quite overwhelmed as she’s very independent, has a great network of friends and stays very busy. The guy she’s started dating is very intense and was wanting to spend all of his time with her so she was finding it hard to balance all the other commitments. I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago. So I put a lot into talking things through with mum and encouraging her to communicate with him about how she was feeling etc.

About 3 weeks ago mum travelled up to stay with me and I looked after her dog while she went to her place in Crete, while she was staying he was calling her 4 x a day which I thought was a lot! Didn’t say anything though. She said this was normal for him. That he wanted to spend all of his time with her which she didn’t want. She had also said previously that lots of people disliked him because he often says the wrong thing and could be taken as rude / abrupt etc, that perhaps he was slightly lacked social skills. I again said well you know him in a different way so go with the your gut. They met through a solo group of which some of the members have apparently warned mum off him.
They get on great, and she’s said recently she’s totally fallen for him. My mum I would say is a very independent, intelligent, wise lady…so I would never have questioned her choice.

I met him this week, a couple of times now and he has been so rude to me that it was uncomfortable, for myself and for mum. The first time I let it go thinking maybe he’s nervous etc. but the 2nd time was pretty awful. I didn’t want to make a big deal and thought I’d wait for mum to bring it up which she did after he’d gone, saying she’d never seen him behave that rudely towards anybody before. I was surprised I managed not to react but instead I think I just froze and didn’t know what to do.

I also noticed he corrects her all the time and they have this constant ‘banter’ as mum calls it, where they almost argue who is right. To the onlooker it comes across as him telling her she’s wrong about everything. He also has the code to her key safe on the house. When we arrived back from mum staying with me he had let himself in and left her flowers and cooked a meal for us which was left in the fridge - which was a lovely gesture it just felt strange, like he’s totally love bombing her.

I’ve seriously wracked my brain over whether my issue is one of my own - am I still grieving, am I feeling possessive, I’ve gone over and over the mum deserves to be happy and so on. But my gut just can’t get past the way he spoke to me and how he is with her. I actually feel like a petulant child about it (which I hate!)…am I reading too much into it? Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage?! I simply don’t like him and I feel like I’m really trying to.

It’s hard because I obviously miss my stepdad terribly and its weird somebody else being here but I’m highly aware it’s her house, her life, she needs and deserves to be happy (which I want for her more than anything else) and at the end of the day my opinion doesn’t and shouldn’t matter (much).
It’s been strange because I’ve barely seen her and since I’ve been back she’s been over at his or stayed over there and when she’s been here she’s exhausted so our time has been limited. I’ve taken time off from work to come down and spend time with her and I’m pretty much just here doing very little.

I really don’t know what to do. Should I put my feelings aside despite what I feel are red flags? Or should I keep sharing my concerns which is making it really difficult?

Any advice or opinions would be welcomed - I’m realistic and if I’m coming across as bratty then I’m open to that too! I just want an outside non emotional perspective I guess?

You voiced your concerns @AurumVox, she might not of liked the reality check and things were tense between you both a couple of times. He’s making out, she’s the love of his life and you’ve voiced concerns that he’s after a brow beaten wife.
Now relax, enjoy being with mum and give it time for her to start joining the dots. X

Thank you @SpryCat xx

I think is the way to go - the last thing you want is for your Mum to stop talking to you .
As the old saying goes “ Softly, softly catchee monkey”.
You’ve planted the seeds of doubt in your dear Mum’s mind - let him show himself in his true colours.

What was his response when she told him she was spending the three days with you?

@4forksache I’m not sure, she said there wasn’t much he could really say. He’s continued to call her phone and text. It’s annoyed me a lot really and mum has continued to down play it. Mum went up to see him yesterday morning because he had upset somebody in the group they go to and she pretty much stayed up there all day, then when I asked about what it was he had done she said he hadn’t mentioned it so neither did she.
We’ve done nothing but have disagreements the last few days to the point where it’s ruining our relationship so there’s little else I can do or say. She says she knows what to look out for, that’s she’s in control etc etc. I get the feeling she has no intent on putting in boundaries though which ultimately I can’t force her to do so I’m pretty much at a loss now. It’s really upsetting.

So he found a way of scuppering your time with her after all @AurumVox 😢

So his grip on her is much stronger than she is admitting and he did indeed disrupt your visit.

Your sister needs to visit more and so do you as I think his grip is far greater than you imagined and your mother appears in his thrall.

He's engineered this upset and pulled your mum right in to disrupt your time together. He's such bad news. I'm sorry but I think you pulling back a bit is the right move, otherwise you risk pushing them further together.

then when I asked about what it was he had done she said he hadn’t mentioned it so neither did she

Do you think this is true? She was there for a good portion of the day and it was her reason for going. Do you think she just doesn't want to tell you what he'd done? Knowing you're aware of how he is.

I hope they did talk about it, she doesn't want to tell you and potentially make things worse, and actually she finds herself thinking about this and realises it's not good.

Agree that you and your sister could make a difference in how long she spends with him - the less the better!

Aw this has made sad after reading all your posts/replies. You sound like a lovely daughter and I think deep down your Mum probably knows he's a bit off. Try and spend the next few days just you two doing walks, coffees, dinners etc. Just anything away from him! You've voiced your concerns now and if it's causing aggravation I would drop it for now and just focus on spending some time together X

He's got her well trained hasn't he?

Clicks his fingers & she goes running.

I doubt it was so important that she needed to go at all whilst you were still there, let alone stay all day.

ETA Sorry, she wasn't there all day, "just" the morning.

He tested her & she passed!

I agree.

You could calmly point out the facts and that he had engineered a disruption.

Dont be sour - or blame her. Just ask her to review his actions. She doesn have to answer or agree with you - but when it happens again with someone else she may see it.

I think it would be prudent to try to find out why the group warned her off him - we dont know if he is volatile, has some sort of history that she needs protecting from.

He will exhaust her. I am sorry this is happening. I think you and your sister need to be all over it - but maybe choose what and how to communicate with your DM.

Did she specify what she meant when she said that she knows what to look out for?

It seems that she has spent a lot of time trying to sort out disagreements with you and the other people in the group - is she under the impression that he will change his behaviour?

@Duvetsse yes, I think so too. I’ve talked to my sister a lot and she’s all over it as well and she’s also going to be here more, as will I for sure.

@Merrymouse she’s referring to the love-bombing behaviours, not allowing her space, apparently.
I think she’s very torn because of how she feels about him, she wants to be around him and see him so she said she feels as though she’s as into him as he is her.
It’s strange as on one hand she’s saying she can see why I’m raising it, she agrees with the things he has done being out of order, she thinks he just doesn’t have the ability to read social situations and when I asked her if this is how she wants the rest of her life to be she said no. She knows he isn’t going to change, but I guess doesn’t want to deal with it perhaps? She doesn’t seem to want to change it right now.

I was thinking about being isolated from friends.

Does she think the friends will continue to put up with him? Does she want to be forced to make a choice?

@TinyCottageGirl thank you, I think she knows too.
Im going to do that, I asked her what she needs from me until I go home and she just said for us to have a nice day together. I agreed, so im going to just suck it up now. She knows my opinion and my worries for her and she knows im here as is my sister. Time will tell - just hopefully not too long!!

I wanted to say thank you to everybody for all of your comments and thoughts. It’s been so helpful over the last week.
Although it’s not resolved, and I think it’s likely to take a while for mum to see the situation clearly, it’s without a doubt helped us to have some conversations and for mum to think about things differently I hope.
So, I just wanted to say that I’m so grateful for all of your support xx

His presence in her life will erode her hard won independent social life.

Bit by bit she will be 'overlooked' for social invitations as people dont want the discomfort of a jarring, contrary and rude guest to spoil their gatherings.

I think you need to dig directly at the social group about what the issues were specifically in the past.

@Merrymouse she said that she felt it was likely he would stop going to the group, but that she would absolutely continue. That it might be best if he didn’t go.
It’s my uncles 70th in July and he has booked a cottage for just the siblings and partners, mum had invited him but she’s now said she’s not going to as she feels she doesn’t want him to spoil it. So in some ways that’s good, but it would also have been an opportunity for other close family to see it and give their view on top of mine. So, I think she recognises that she’s going to have to worry all the time about any social events - she had this with my father for years so I know this isn’t something she will want again. I think she needs to process the reality of it perhaps before making a decision?

She absolutely can't take someone along to ruin a milestone birthday. Has she alrady invited him - how will he respond to her change of mind. Will he get angry, sulky, pester her?

Also right now she needs to feel comfortable putting down boundaries - requesting not to be called. Divrting his number to VM and having a consequence for him for disrespecting her boundaries and disrupting and interupting her time with others.

@Mulletgirl that’s my biggest fear. She has a wonderful life, she’s worked incredibly hard for it through some very tough situations and she deserves nothing but the very best. I have tried to hammer this home to her, and I think she sees that too but I has to come from her.
I will try to see if I can get anymore info on who attends the group perhaps and their views. I need to be careful not to cross the line with her myself though as she would see this as me interfering and making things worse. She already thinks I’m making a meal out of it.

@Mulletgirl that’s the reason she’s uninviting him (so she says), my uncle has said he just wants time with his family and mum totally respects that and wants the same.
I don’t know how he’ll react, part of me wants him to react badly so that she sees him for what he is but at the same time obviously I want her to be okay.
You’re totally right about the boundaries. She says she has but there doesn’t seem to be a consequence for him breaking them currently.

I'm glad your uncle spoke up. And yes, it'll be interesting to see how he reacts to being uninvited.

I need to be careful not to cross the line with her myself though as she would see this as me interfering and making things worse.

I think you and your sister could do this discreetly. I think its very important to get facts and context. None of you know if you are dealing with an anxious socially inept guy or a man with a violent past.

Have a watch of the new NetFlix series My Lover, My Killer - they all had previous charges for DV and none of these women or their families knew.

More than 2 women every week are murdered by their partners in the UK - 22% of that total are women over 60 years of age.

https://www.femicidecensus.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/2000-Women-full-report.pdf

I dont wish to alarm you but its important to be accurately informed.