Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

[AurumVox]

Hi…I really need some advice if possible as I can’t tell if it’s me having an issue with my mums new partner because it’s new or whether I should be genuinely worried.

To give some context, I’m 41/F, my mum is 68. We lost our dad (step father who raised us) 3 years ago and my mum has started dating a guy (73) over the last 6 months. I met him this week as I live about 200 miles away so I’m visiting currently.

I want to start off by saying the huge amount of relief I felt when I found out that mum had met somebody, although it was hard and different I actively encouraged it as I knew how much mum was missing my stepdad who she was with for 31 years, I also worry a lot being so far away so to know that she’s been so happy and that she’s spending time enjoying her self has been the biggest relief.

In the first few months of them dating mum was really quite overwhelmed as she’s very independent, has a great network of friends and stays very busy. The guy she’s started dating is very intense and was wanting to spend all of his time with her so she was finding it hard to balance all the other commitments. I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago. So I put a lot into talking things through with mum and encouraging her to communicate with him about how she was feeling etc.

About 3 weeks ago mum travelled up to stay with me and I looked after her dog while she went to her place in Crete, while she was staying he was calling her 4 x a day which I thought was a lot! Didn’t say anything though. She said this was normal for him. That he wanted to spend all of his time with her which she didn’t want. She had also said previously that lots of people disliked him because he often says the wrong thing and could be taken as rude / abrupt etc, that perhaps he was slightly lacked social skills. I again said well you know him in a different way so go with the your gut. They met through a solo group of which some of the members have apparently warned mum off him.
They get on great, and she’s said recently she’s totally fallen for him. My mum I would say is a very independent, intelligent, wise lady…so I would never have questioned her choice.

I met him this week, a couple of times now and he has been so rude to me that it was uncomfortable, for myself and for mum. The first time I let it go thinking maybe he’s nervous etc. but the 2nd time was pretty awful. I didn’t want to make a big deal and thought I’d wait for mum to bring it up which she did after he’d gone, saying she’d never seen him behave that rudely towards anybody before. I was surprised I managed not to react but instead I think I just froze and didn’t know what to do.

I also noticed he corrects her all the time and they have this constant ‘banter’ as mum calls it, where they almost argue who is right. To the onlooker it comes across as him telling her she’s wrong about everything. He also has the code to her key safe on the house. When we arrived back from mum staying with me he had let himself in and left her flowers and cooked a meal for us which was left in the fridge - which was a lovely gesture it just felt strange, like he’s totally love bombing her.

I’ve seriously wracked my brain over whether my issue is one of my own - am I still grieving, am I feeling possessive, I’ve gone over and over the mum deserves to be happy and so on. But my gut just can’t get past the way he spoke to me and how he is with her. I actually feel like a petulant child about it (which I hate!)…am I reading too much into it? Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage?! I simply don’t like him and I feel like I’m really trying to.

It’s hard because I obviously miss my stepdad terribly and its weird somebody else being here but I’m highly aware it’s her house, her life, she needs and deserves to be happy (which I want for her more than anything else) and at the end of the day my opinion doesn’t and shouldn’t matter (much).
It’s been strange because I’ve barely seen her and since I’ve been back she’s been over at his or stayed over there and when she’s been here she’s exhausted so our time has been limited. I’ve taken time off from work to come down and spend time with her and I’m pretty much just here doing very little.

I really don’t know what to do. Should I put my feelings aside despite what I feel are red flags? Or should I keep sharing my concerns which is making it really difficult?

Any advice or opinions would be welcomed - I’m realistic and if I’m coming across as bratty then I’m open to that too! I just want an outside non emotional perspective I guess?

I'd like to hear that the keysafe code has been changed.

When you are with your mother for a limited period, why take her off for the whole day? Thoughtless.

Key safe code has been changed.

If you wanted to find out more about his behavior towards women maybe you could get into contact with his absent step-daughter. Why doesn’t he have contact with her?

@Mere1

"I would get her to change the key safe code."

I agree.

So surely he goes to the grave alone to mark that. It's weird to take his new girlfriend along, especially given the distance and the fact that her DD has come to see her. Why is his new DP spending time with his dead wife more higher priority than her own DD? It's almost like he wants her all to himself.

That's already been agreed.

I was just going to say, I've adult DCs and would feel this too

The things you've mentioned would concern me. Especially that twice he was rude to you, and your mum noticed but didn't correct him? Was that because she thought it was accidental or because she feels like she can't say anything to him

Id talk to your mum, be honest that you know you're biased because of your dad (so sorry for your loss, he sounds a wonderful man) but these things concerned you is anything concerning her then support her with her choice

I think your mum needs space away from his intensity for a few days/ a week without him phoning her or messaging her. She needs to recharge her batteries and get her own thoughts in order. Could she go home with you? Not say anything to him, message him, some family business she needs to sort out, there won’t be much signal and turn her mobile off.
I just don’t think he will handle it well once he realises she has changed the keysafe code. He wont back off, wrapped her up in plans that she feels unable to cancel in order to have some time to spend with you, you’ve travelled over 200 miles to see her. That’s a massive red flag @AurumVox that he resents anyone getting in the way of his wants.

Your not seeing red flags love your seeing your mother being coercively controlled and you know it; you can see he’s trying to control every aspect of her life & by being rude to you he was hoping to get rid of you. You know you need to speak to your mum about this because you know where it’s heading he’ll move in & isolate her from everyone and knows & loves; please be brave & sit your mum down & talk to her before it’s too late xx

I've had a similar situation recently with my mum OP. My mum is a bit younger than yours but perhaps seen as vulnerable after losing her husband etc. Meets a man who was so confusing, even for me to read. One minute we'd all get on great and the next it was a disaster. Love bombed her lots of gifts and holidays etc but we would observe "banter" that was horrible and I used to say to her don't listen to his tone listen to the words because he would make everything sound like a joke but what he was saying was utterly disgusting. All of his family warned her off him, he was a walking red flag and anytime he did anything wrong he pulled the poor me card and said he knows he's a fuck up etc and he will try but he never did. I would have conversations with my mum about it and eventually I just told her straight that he was a narcissist and I see him as emotionally dangerous. He then started on me and trying to isolate her from our close relationship. Luckily she seen him for what he was and got rid. She has since found out more and basically everything he ever said was a complete lie!

Does your mum still go to the social group, with or without him? Could you encourage her to keep going, and to try and build a friendship with the people who originally warned her off? If it's U3A, is there a talk or something this week that you could go along with her (or them), and see if you can speak to the friends under the guise of getting to know mums friends?

It sounds very much like he's trying to make you feel uncomfortable and hoping it makes you leave.If he is like this constantly with other people as well he's trying to isolate your mum so she depends on him.A very narcissistic trait.

Perhaps it’s been said already, but him being seemingly solvent absolutely doesn’t mean he won’t try to access her funds.

I would suggest this too to prevent fraud relating to her house.

www.gov.uk/protect-land-property-from-fraud#:~:text=You%20can%20stop%20HM%20Land,application%20was%20made%20by%20you.

Is it just me who thinks it’s a coincidence that it’s his late wife’s birthday just at the same time OP is visiting? It’s yet another day that OP and her mum can’t spend together because OP’s mum probably feels (or is made to feel) that it would hard-hearted for her not to go with him.

He's a Granny Rustler, pure and simple.

Note that wills can be changed and in the event of marriage, are null and void (U.K.)

I haven’t had chance to RTFT yet so not sure if it’s been mentioned, but people who have previously been in abusive relationships are much more likely to find themselves in another abusive relationship in the future. Also, he could easily have had a copy of the key made with having access to the key safe.

I think him being rude and controlling is bad enough without him needing to be after her money. I think the latter is less likely but that doesn’t make him a good guy worth keeping. From the way everyone in the social group reacts, he’s clearly not a nice person with the mum’s best interests at heart. He can be incompatible for that without needing to be up to anything more nefarious.

But in this case her choice is wrong.

Who cares why he's like that? All that matters is he's bad news for the OP's mum.

PLEASE NOTE

Changing the key safe code won’t help if he has already copied the key!

She may currently have an excellent watertight will/poa/finances etc, but she can change her mind (be persuaded to change her mind) at any time.

Hope all goes well.

This would likely mean absolutely nothing if he marries her. Marriage invalidates former wills, so please take great care on this aspect too, as well as other aspects of DM's wellbeing. Could you discuss the relationship with her in terms of it being like a stepping stone out of grief for your stepdad, a temporary learning curve, and no reason why she can't cut her losses now, and move on from him.🌷

Reading this was hard.
10 years ago my DM, single for decades got into a relationship with a man who'd been widowed for 9 months. This man had literally never been alone. He love bombed my mum and wanted to be with her all the time.

At first my mum was totally swept away by it all - I couldn't get my head around how quickly
he'd moved on. I did some googling and it's pretty common for men of a certain age to find someone else so quickly. Once the dust had settled, I loved this man to bits and had a great relationship with him.

My own DM backed out of this relationship during Covid, they become more like friends and he passed away 2 years which was totally heartbreaking for me.

i really hope the man your own DM is with calms down as I can tell you just want your mum to be happy.

I have just reread some posts you wrote @AurumVox, you said you and mum had planned to go shopping, he said he was going to go shopping too, so you invited him to join you. He was making sure you both knew he would be there so you had no choice but to invite him. He will always try to drop in on days out planned for your mum and you/or friends and refuse to leave.
When he is rude or aggressive towards you, I would tell him, it is extremely rude to talk over someone in conversation. She’s making excuses for him, you’re not telling her how his rudeness is making you feel, so it gets swept under the carpet.
He doesn’t like anyone having a different view nor when he’s recommending somewhere and you know it already. He a big know it all, likes to shut people down and very rude.

I imagine that at 73 he thinks this is his last chance to find a woman.

Men do this so much- after a divorce or when widowed they can't bear to be alone.

Maybe his marriage wasn't happy either but as they became older and his late wife was unwell for years she probably couldn't bear the thought of divorcing him - maybe just accepted his behaviour to have a quiet life.

And now, since she's died, he's taking all the behaviour he got away with into a new relationship.

If this is her first relationship since your step-dad died, it's easy to see how she's fallen for someone.

I think if your Mum is up to it- and up for it- she and you compose a 'Dear John' letter and then use it to tell him why she's not going to carry on seeing him.

Maybe he needs to hear some home thruths.