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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

410 replies

AurumVox · 25/05/2025 23:12

Hi…I really need some advice if possible as I can’t tell if it’s me having an issue with my mums new partner because it’s new or whether I should be genuinely worried.

To give some context, I’m 41/F, my mum is 68. We lost our dad (step father who raised us) 3 years ago and my mum has started dating a guy (73) over the last 6 months. I met him this week as I live about 200 miles away so I’m visiting currently.

I want to start off by saying the huge amount of relief I felt when I found out that mum had met somebody, although it was hard and different I actively encouraged it as I knew how much mum was missing my stepdad who she was with for 31 years, I also worry a lot being so far away so to know that she’s been so happy and that she’s spending time enjoying her self has been the biggest relief.

In the first few months of them dating mum was really quite overwhelmed as she’s very independent, has a great network of friends and stays very busy. The guy she’s started dating is very intense and was wanting to spend all of his time with her so she was finding it hard to balance all the other commitments. I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago. So I put a lot into talking things through with mum and encouraging her to communicate with him about how she was feeling etc.

About 3 weeks ago mum travelled up to stay with me and I looked after her dog while she went to her place in Crete, while she was staying he was calling her 4 x a day which I thought was a lot! Didn’t say anything though. She said this was normal for him. That he wanted to spend all of his time with her which she didn’t want. She had also said previously that lots of people disliked him because he often says the wrong thing and could be taken as rude / abrupt etc, that perhaps he was slightly lacked social skills. I again said well you know him in a different way so go with the your gut. They met through a solo group of which some of the members have apparently warned mum off him.
They get on great, and she’s said recently she’s totally fallen for him. My mum I would say is a very independent, intelligent, wise lady…so I would never have questioned her choice.

I met him this week, a couple of times now and he has been so rude to me that it was uncomfortable, for myself and for mum. The first time I let it go thinking maybe he’s nervous etc. but the 2nd time was pretty awful. I didn’t want to make a big deal and thought I’d wait for mum to bring it up which she did after he’d gone, saying she’d never seen him behave that rudely towards anybody before. I was surprised I managed not to react but instead I think I just froze and didn’t know what to do.

I also noticed he corrects her all the time and they have this constant ‘banter’ as mum calls it, where they almost argue who is right. To the onlooker it comes across as him telling her she’s wrong about everything. He also has the code to her key safe on the house. When we arrived back from mum staying with me he had let himself in and left her flowers and cooked a meal for us which was left in the fridge - which was a lovely gesture it just felt strange, like he’s totally love bombing her.

I’ve seriously wracked my brain over whether my issue is one of my own - am I still grieving, am I feeling possessive, I’ve gone over and over the mum deserves to be happy and so on. But my gut just can’t get past the way he spoke to me and how he is with her. I actually feel like a petulant child about it (which I hate!)…am I reading too much into it? Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage?! I simply don’t like him and I feel like I’m really trying to.

It’s hard because I obviously miss my stepdad terribly and its weird somebody else being here but I’m highly aware it’s her house, her life, she needs and deserves to be happy (which I want for her more than anything else) and at the end of the day my opinion doesn’t and shouldn’t matter (much).
It’s been strange because I’ve barely seen her and since I’ve been back she’s been over at his or stayed over there and when she’s been here she’s exhausted so our time has been limited. I’ve taken time off from work to come down and spend time with her and I’m pretty much just here doing very little.

I really don’t know what to do. Should I put my feelings aside despite what I feel are red flags? Or should I keep sharing my concerns which is making it really difficult?

Any advice or opinions would be welcomed - I’m realistic and if I’m coming across as bratty then I’m open to that too! I just want an outside non emotional perspective I guess?

OP posts:
PansyP · 26/05/2025 16:36

Trust your instincts

TankFlyBossW4lk · 26/05/2025 16:36

NewMoonToday · 26/05/2025 12:18

I think it's more nuanced than this although I agree with some of it.

I've a slightly different perspective on it simply because I'm their age.

He does sound too full-on but I don't think that necessarily means he's 'evil' or is ND (although he could be.)

He is of the generation where many men were controlling and the 'boss' of the household especially if their wives didn't have professional careers and were reliant on their husbands for everything. And if his late wife was in poor health for decades, he probably took control of everything.

He sounds too needy and is clearly keen to replace his late wife with another woman, but he lacks the finesse to judge how to do this- not unusual for a man born 73 years ago and who'd not dated for 50-odd years.

I don't see the conversation OP described as rude. Depending on the tone (and that's important) all he said was he couldn't tell them anything about the areas as they already knew it. This could be said in a jokey way or a petulant way.
Likewise, the lecture on trams V buses- he may simply have been trying to make conversation and he became 'enthused' over the differences.

Hard to say without hearing it first hand.

Your Mum needs to slow it down, regardless.

Maybe he's ace in bed- there's got to be something that's attracting her!

Show quote history

Thing is, the OP has said a number of times that he came across as rude. So the tone was rude, so much so that the mother, who's dating him, said "he's not normally like that".

Also, he may well be controlling because he's a man of a certain age or that he's looked after his wife for many years, but the fact remains, he's controlling and the OP's mum doesn't need that. He's not going to change.

I'd be bloody amazed if he was good in bed, but then, at then I'd be more worried about the isolation and dependency involved in having a relationship with this guy.

yeesh · 26/05/2025 16:40

He is really bad news and you made a mistake by talking her into giving him more chances when she felt uncomfortable at the beginning. Her friends warning her off was also a big thing and you again chose to tell her to give him another chance. Why did you do that? You mum is already in a controlling relationship that will likely become abusive as he is actively alienating her from her friends and family.

Original poster
AurumVox · 26/05/2025 16:41

NJC7 · 26/05/2025 11:24

My advice (as someone who works in a certain field that this relates to) is to extend your stay! You mention wanting to go back to Manchester as it’s become awkward. Have a think about how he will feel about that? Delighted I imagine! This is how isolation happens (of your mum). He’s made things uncomfortable and as a result you leave which means Mum is left to be further influenced by him and now there’s distance created in your relationship with her.
You know that old saying “keep your enemies close…” use it! X

@NJC7 absolutely. I’m not going anywhere. I can’t stay longer this time due to work, however I will be home a lot more often and I’ve said this to mum. I’m in the process of buying a property up north and said to her this morning if I have to pull out of the sale and be down here if this doesn’t go to plan I absolutely will do and I mean it.
She actually said she wished I’d come home sooner so I think she’s starting to see it. It’s also important for her to see it herself. Thank you for your advice xx

OP posts:
saraclara · 26/05/2025 16:45

AurumVox · 26/05/2025 16:03

I am absolutely going to do this @SunnyginI think each of these responses she needs to see, even those where I’ve been questioned on why I encouraged it initially which I have spoken to mum about this morning (along with some tears and regret) and which I will explain when I update shortly as I’m aware I didn’t give much context there.
Mum is clever and wise and when she got up this morning I think had already reached a similar conclusion after yesterday. But I’m going to suggest she has a read for sure when I talk to her later hopefully.

Show quote history

Are you sure that's a good idea? Obviously you know your mum best, but I'd be horrified and mortified if my daughter showed me a thread where she'd discussed my private life. Even if I knew that she was right, my horror at having my mistake discussed by hundreds of strangers would override any other feelings that I might have about the relationship. And would almost certainly damage my relationship with my daughter.

It sounds to me as though your mum is already more than half way to doing the sensible thing. Do you really need to embarrass her when just another chat might be all it takes?

Original poster
AurumVox · 26/05/2025 16:46

AshFlintcombe · 26/05/2025 10:12

I’m the same age as your mum and have been widowed for a similar length of time.

I can’t imagine myself ever getting in a similar situation - but that’s the point, isn’t it, we all think it won’t happen to us until it does. Even the most feisty, independent and capable people can become very vulnerable after the death of a spouse.

Please do your best to alert her to the possible implications of trusting someone so completely at such an early stage in the relationship.

Does mum understand the risks she faces by giving him permission to enter her house when she’s not there?

The priority must be to stop him gaining access to the house - change the locks, stop using a key safe. Ask a trusted neighbour to keep an eye on the house when mum’s away and let you know if they have any concerns.

If he’s in the house when she’s not there he might gain access to financial paperwork, her will, property details etc, all of which could be used to put pressure on her to make decisions in his favour. He could even move in and prevent her from entering!

I hope you can find a way to raise this with her - in the end it may require some straight talking but if you tackle it with a practical security focus first that might be more acceptable to her.

@AshFlintcombe thank you for this, I hadn’t even thought of that myself. I know she won’t be aware of that which is crazy considering she won’t even use online banking on her phone!!

OP posts:
MiniCoopers · 26/05/2025 16:49

To me I read it that she’s got concerns and while you’re visiting she wants your help and isn’t getting it as much as she could.

Merrymouse · 26/05/2025 16:56

TankFlyBossW4lk · 26/05/2025 16:36

Thing is, the OP has said a number of times that he came across as rude. So the tone was rude, so much so that the mother, who's dating him, said "he's not normally like that".

Also, he may well be controlling because he's a man of a certain age or that he's looked after his wife for many years, but the fact remains, he's controlling and the OP's mum doesn't need that. He's not going to change.

I'd be bloody amazed if he was good in bed, but then, at then I'd be more worried about the isolation and dependency involved in having a relationship with this guy.

Show quote history

Yes - we are trying to analyse something written down as text, but the OP was there!

I also think it's very unlikely that she just misunderstood his tone, given that people who have met him have also found him difficult.

The best that can be said of him is that he is incredibly hard work - and who wants that to be the rest of their life?

Original poster
AurumVox · 26/05/2025 16:58

Thanks @AlertCatI’ll do that.

OP posts:
BusyExpert · 26/05/2025 16:59

This is a post by a lovely caring daughter who wants the best for her mother. I think you should print it off and send it to her.

Sunnygin · 26/05/2025 17:31

saraclara · 26/05/2025 16:45

Are you sure that's a good idea? Obviously you know your mum best, but I'd be horrified and mortified if my daughter showed me a thread where she'd discussed my private life. Even if I knew that she was right, my horror at having my mistake discussed by hundreds of strangers would override any other feelings that I might have about the relationship. And would almost certainly damage my relationship with my daughter.

It sounds to me as though your mum is already more than half way to doing the sensible thing. Do you really need to embarrass her when just another chat might be all it takes?

Edited
Show quote history

I'm her mums age....and in my previous post I mentioned my adult children....I wouldn't be upset or offended by their concerns....sometimes we have to listen to others...and look at this lovely daughters updates.....she is worried for her Mum

Original poster
AurumVox · 26/05/2025 17:33

nomas · 26/05/2025 15:38

That’s so lovely that your step-dad left his half to you and sis.

Show quote history

@nomasit really is isn’t it!! He was a wonderful human being. We were very lucky the day he turned up.

OP posts:
Original poster
AurumVox · 26/05/2025 17:35

SpryCat · 26/05/2025 16:13

Your mum knew he was too full on at first but was flattered he seemed to want her so much and he has slowly ramped up the time she spends with him. She is now exhausted and I should imagine resentful that she hasn’t had any quality time with you or her friends but worried about his reaction. I think he’s keeping her so busy that she has no time to question the relationship or have the energy to insist she wants space to see you or her friends.
Please don’t hold back when you talk to her, I think if she starts pulling back he will get very angry, I also believe deep down she knows this.

@SpryCati think you’re spot on there.

OP posts:
Original poster
AurumVox · 26/05/2025 17:45

yeesh · 26/05/2025 16:40

He is really bad news and you made a mistake by talking her into giving him more chances when she felt uncomfortable at the beginning. Her friends warning her off was also a big thing and you again chose to tell her to give him another chance. Why did you do that? You mum is already in a controlling relationship that will likely become abusive as he is actively alienating her from her friends and family.

Hi @yeesh I didn’t talk her into staying with him, I appreciate my OP didn’t go into much detail therefore you don’t have the context behind that particular scenario.
At the time it was early on so there was very little else other than mum needing her space and him wanting to see her everyday.
We’d had a conversation about how people are different, eg mum needing time alone to do her thing, see friends as she normally would and just have an evening in front of the tv with the dog without having to entertain if she wanted. We talked about people having different expectations and things they are used to, different attachment styles and so on. I had said that he needs to understand (and really take on board) her need to have that space, and on the same hand she needs to maybe see that he was used to spending all his time with his late wife so in order for the relationship to work if she wanted it to, they would have to both work through that and if they couldn’t or he couldn’t respect her need for space, it probably wouldn’t work in the long run.
if I had known then what I know now however I would have told her to sack him off but that didn’t seem to be the right approach at the time. Hope that makes more sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
AurumVox · 26/05/2025 17:48

@saraclara very good point. I’ll give it some thought and I guess if nothing else works it may be worth it.

OP posts:
saraclara · 26/05/2025 18:03

AurumVox · 26/05/2025 17:48

@saraclara very good point. I’ll give it some thought and I guess if nothing else works it may be worth it.

I'd definitely collate the different points that people have made though, so that you're well prepared for the next conversation. There are some excellent points made.
I just think they'd be much better coming from you, than via her discovering that strangers have been privy to her story.

FeetLikeFlippers · 26/05/2025 18:07

I think you’re right to be concerned, he sounds very controlling. He would probably like to isolate her from friends and family so keep an eye out for signs of that. Do you have other close family who can back you up and help her to see what he’s really like?

tara66 · 26/05/2025 18:07

AurumVox · 26/05/2025 15:06

I don’t know the back story but I did speak to her this morning and brought up about the key safe. I’m going to update on here properly, but she had said previously that he had offered her a key to his house which she said no to, but that she had his key safe code as well. I said to her this morning but mum the key safe code is exactly the same as having a key! Which for some reason she hadn’t thought of in the same way. It’s really unlike her.
I said you’ve given a man you barely know keys to your house, so you need to change the code. To cut a long story short she has said she is going to change the code but not tell him she’s done so. She got up this morning clearly after having as bad a nights sleep as me and said she recognises after much thought that he’s being rather controlling. Apparently yesterday he said to her that his late wife had said to him that he was controlling, and that this has really made her think. So I have everything crossed.

Show quote history

Will he be outraged when he finds out about key code to DM house? She should just tell him she does not want such an ''intense relationship'', that it's disrupted her life too much and she needs more space as she is not looking to remarry etc. That would be better than him suddenly discovering he no longer has access to her home.

laraitopbanana · 26/05/2025 18:10

Yeah love bombing, he will and also started to isolate her and I fear not for good reason…
that man is selfish.

She should let him go.

MoonWoman69 · 26/05/2025 18:19

So sorry you've lost your step dad, he sounded lovely.
And I'm sorry if someone has already said this, but you told your mum to go with her gut? I think you should go with yours. He sounds far too intense. I'd also be looking at changing the code to the key safe. She's never going to have any peace from him by the sound of it!
I love how you want your mum to be happy, but unless she nips this relationship in the bud, she won't be! He sounds rude and controlling.
My friend is dating someone similar and I'm seeing changes and I really don't like it. When she mentions something he's done, I point out that it's not normal behaviour, in the hopes that she stays aware and doesn't let things slide. I'm hoping it's working.
Good luck and I hope your mum can ease out of this relationship, it's not healthy at all x

OverVerdant · 26/05/2025 18:25

I would be very wary of this man. I think your mum needs to make sure she doesn’t commit any money, property or other rights to him. He may be after her assets. Hopefully she’ll be sensible enough not to agree to live with him or anything. He sounds like the sort of man who is used to ruling the roost and having a subservient woman. Also, once he has a foothold he might start abusive tactics. I would advise your mum to enjoy his companionship but that it stops right there. Lots of older single people now have a range of different people they date, keeping it non-commital. That seems to work well. You are a lovely, caring daughter and your mum is lucky to have you. 💕

YourGentlePombear · 26/05/2025 18:36

S0j0urn4r · 26/05/2025 00:19

@AurumVox
He's celebrating your mum's birthday by taking her on a 6hr round trip to visit his late wife's grave????
WTAF?

It was his dead wifes birthday??

FluffyBenji23 · 26/05/2025 18:39

I don't have much to say about your Mum's new bf other than go with your gut feeling. But I thought I'd just add that your Mum can be perfectly happy without a man in her life especially as many older men aren't 'new men' at all! I'm on my own in my 60's and love my life as do my other single older friends. I contrast this with my Mum's friend's (nearly all gone now) who when widowed all coupled up ASAP and remarried, several very unhappily. Is your Mum perhaps accepting poor behaviour from this man as she feels she has to have a partner in her life? Might be worth talking this over...

GiveDogBone · 26/05/2025 18:43

You say your mum is a “very intelligent, wise lady”, so why do you need to interfere in her choices (particularly at her age). Just because they are not choices you would make doesn’t mean they’re wrong.

Mere1 · 26/05/2025 18:45

Italiangreyhound · 26/05/2025 00:14

I think he sounds like an odd person, and probably a difficult person to be in a relationship with quite controlling.

I'd share your concerns with your mum. But accept she is obviously able to make her own choices.

Him having access to her house is not good. He could send flowers or come round to cook a meal when she is in without having access to a key, why did she give him access, did he ask for it?

I would get her to change the key safe code.

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