Mums new partner…red flags or is it me?

[AurumVox]

Hi…I really need some advice if possible as I can’t tell if it’s me having an issue with my mums new partner because it’s new or whether I should be genuinely worried.

To give some context, I’m 41/F, my mum is 68. We lost our dad (step father who raised us) 3 years ago and my mum has started dating a guy (73) over the last 6 months. I met him this week as I live about 200 miles away so I’m visiting currently.

I want to start off by saying the huge amount of relief I felt when I found out that mum had met somebody, although it was hard and different I actively encouraged it as I knew how much mum was missing my stepdad who she was with for 31 years, I also worry a lot being so far away so to know that she’s been so happy and that she’s spending time enjoying her self has been the biggest relief.

In the first few months of them dating mum was really quite overwhelmed as she’s very independent, has a great network of friends and stays very busy. The guy she’s started dating is very intense and was wanting to spend all of his time with her so she was finding it hard to balance all the other commitments. I talked a lot to her about seeing it from his perspective as he has also lost his wife around 18 months ago. So I put a lot into talking things through with mum and encouraging her to communicate with him about how she was feeling etc.

About 3 weeks ago mum travelled up to stay with me and I looked after her dog while she went to her place in Crete, while she was staying he was calling her 4 x a day which I thought was a lot! Didn’t say anything though. She said this was normal for him. That he wanted to spend all of his time with her which she didn’t want. She had also said previously that lots of people disliked him because he often says the wrong thing and could be taken as rude / abrupt etc, that perhaps he was slightly lacked social skills. I again said well you know him in a different way so go with the your gut. They met through a solo group of which some of the members have apparently warned mum off him.
They get on great, and she’s said recently she’s totally fallen for him. My mum I would say is a very independent, intelligent, wise lady…so I would never have questioned her choice.

I met him this week, a couple of times now and he has been so rude to me that it was uncomfortable, for myself and for mum. The first time I let it go thinking maybe he’s nervous etc. but the 2nd time was pretty awful. I didn’t want to make a big deal and thought I’d wait for mum to bring it up which she did after he’d gone, saying she’d never seen him behave that rudely towards anybody before. I was surprised I managed not to react but instead I think I just froze and didn’t know what to do.

I also noticed he corrects her all the time and they have this constant ‘banter’ as mum calls it, where they almost argue who is right. To the onlooker it comes across as him telling her she’s wrong about everything. He also has the code to her key safe on the house. When we arrived back from mum staying with me he had let himself in and left her flowers and cooked a meal for us which was left in the fridge - which was a lovely gesture it just felt strange, like he’s totally love bombing her.

I’ve seriously wracked my brain over whether my issue is one of my own - am I still grieving, am I feeling possessive, I’ve gone over and over the mum deserves to be happy and so on. But my gut just can’t get past the way he spoke to me and how he is with her. I actually feel like a petulant child about it (which I hate!)…am I reading too much into it? Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage?! I simply don’t like him and I feel like I’m really trying to.

It’s hard because I obviously miss my stepdad terribly and its weird somebody else being here but I’m highly aware it’s her house, her life, she needs and deserves to be happy (which I want for her more than anything else) and at the end of the day my opinion doesn’t and shouldn’t matter (much).
It’s been strange because I’ve barely seen her and since I’ve been back she’s been over at his or stayed over there and when she’s been here she’s exhausted so our time has been limited. I’ve taken time off from work to come down and spend time with her and I’m pretty much just here doing very little.

I really don’t know what to do. Should I put my feelings aside despite what I feel are red flags? Or should I keep sharing my concerns which is making it really difficult?

Any advice or opinions would be welcomed - I’m realistic and if I’m coming across as bratty then I’m open to that too! I just want an outside non emotional perspective I guess?

I hope your mum makes the right choice and let's him go 🙏

Ths might hand him the excuse he would like to tell your DM you are no good, and drive a wedge between you, OP and DM. It needs careful handling if OP is to get him away from DM.

Kindly this. There are many red flags!! The calling 4 x a day alone is a massive one!

Tricky, as yes, it is her life, but if she’s an independent woman, she’s probably also smart enough to learn about abusive, controlling, behaviours, and healthy boundaries.

Raise it, but then you may just have to watch what might feel like a car crash in front of your eyes, and just be there for her for when it gets worse, or ends. Make sure she knows you are. If you keep raising it though, she may end up distancing from you, which is exactly what he wants.

Let’s hope he’s just a palette cleanser as it were, and she comes to her senses once the novelty has worn off enough to get rid and that he doesn’t get his claws on too much.

She needs to keep her self esteem in a good enough place, he’ll be chipping away at it, slowly trying to isolate her from her friends and hobbies as they’re all a threat to him and his very insecure ego, subtly making her feel guilty for doing her own thing, things without him…

Maybe raise it again later when/if you have enough evidence/examples/concerns and have seen changes in her for the worse, but it will be risky to keep doing so.

Not an easy one, I wish you all the best!

Don’t know how to edit my post once posted.

The Freedom programme have an online course for £12 that educates on the different types of abusive behaviours, gives examples of the bad, unhealthy behaviours, but importantly the good, healthy alternatives. This may be helpful to either go through and see which you observe from him yourself, and what you’ve heard, or ideally, for your mum to go through it, and for her to recognise them. Then she needs to deal with him. That’ll be really hard too, but there is support out there for this sort of thing.

@Hopingtobeaparent thank you so much.

Oh, yes, this too!!

@PonyPatter44Yes she does still go, and that’s the group…unfortunately he goes as well but she also goes to some of the talks and the coffee meets without him sometimes I think. We did talk about this earlier as I’d mentioned about some of the group disliking him and having warned her of him. I did say to her you need to make sure you keep going even if he ends up leaving the group…and she had actually said she told him that whilst they are there it’s to be treated as though they aren’t together as she said he was with her all the time and it had been awkward as she wasn’t getting to speak to others, so she’s called him out on that already which is positive.

That does sound positive

He just seems to be trying to isolate her from everyone.

This feels like its coercive control brewing.

I think it’s very weird that your mum told you all of these red flag including many others warning her off him and you kept pushing her towards him?

ism really sorry for your loss and I can understand the urge to make sure your mum ain’t lonely and stick indoors and worry about her having her own person.

but this guy is a glaring red flag and you need to start gently nudging her away from him. I don’t think it will be easy. Go gently, don’t rile them up or he’ll start the nasty whispers against you to her and start isolating her.

I think it’s very weird that your mum told you all of these red flag including many others warning her off him and you kept pushing her towards him?

No she didn't. The OP's posts make this clear.

She has explained her initial response, very clearly, a number of times. How is this helping either the OP or her mum?

@AurumVox I think I’d go further and change the locks. Nee keys then change the lock box code . Ring door bell?
Tell your mum to try faze it out .
Also to speak to others at the group about what’s she is doing .
Op do you /can you work from home at all .
Wheh you mum is ready to end it totaly can you be around for a couple of weeks for that.
Maybe your mum starts dropping it into convo that your thinking of moving back
home . Plant seeds that she won’t be alone soon enough .
You both need to work on her get out strategy by the sounds of it. As he will Prey on her and hoover her back in.

Just a point on another poster's statement re altering your step dad's will. It's not possible to change your trust. Your SD left you and your sibling funds in trust. They do not form part of your mother's estate. She might have a right to live in the house but the asset has already passed to you.
Any subsequent marriage alters her will only.

It sounds like you are getting through to your mum OP. Be around for her. 68 is not old these days and it sounds like she has a full life. If she does want to meet someone use a proper matching service. The country register or such. They check everyone out. Funds, clares law and interviews.

Op’s mum has to decide to change locks, to get ring doorbell if she felt threatened, no one can decide for her if he’s unsuitable. I think @AurumVox is treading carefully, so mum can talk to her because if she out and out says he is awful then mum may not feel she can confide in her.
I’m pretty sure your mum knows without you putting it into words, that he is trying to take over her social life and has made it very hard for her to spend much time with you. I hope he overplays the manipulation and she sees him for what he is.
Next time you come down, could you book a special outing for the two of you or a spa day? You need to push his buttons without seeming too, he feels threatened by you as the talking over you and trying to take over the conversation, was his true feelings leaking out. Go out on a few day trips with them, his mask will soon fall off.

Honestly she's sounding less and less keen to the point I wonder why she's with him at all. Hopefully the end is near. I agree id change the locks. Just to be on the safe side.

Hes displaying classic abuser behaviour

OP, I wish everyone had a daughter like you. Please let us know how you get on.

You are right to be concerned for your Mom. This man's behavior toward your Mom and you is very controlling. He's trying to isolate your Mom, keep her from disagreeing with him and it appears that his rudeness could be a prerequisite of a bad temper showing up.As others have suggested, have a gentle talk with your Mom. Is there any way you could ask her friends who she is close with to keep in contact with your Mom and you since you are so far away?

@SpryCat this is exactly the case. You’re right about the locks, she agrees she needs to change the code on the key safe and I’ll make sure that’s done this week before I leave. But the locks we have talked about and she feels he wouldn’t have done that but said if she felt he did she would have them changed. I can’t push it more in terms of that as it’s her house etc and I do respect that.
We’ve talked a few times over the last 2 days and she actually read about the love bombing and said she recognises that it’s very similar to what’s happening so she will remain aware.
I don’t want to push too hard as we’ve already had a couple of heated conversations bordering on arguments the last 2 days (we never ever argue) so what I don’t want is to push her towards him and away from me.
I’ve also talked to my sister, she is here today as well. My sister lives more locally so I’m going to ask her to come over more often. Mums not aware I’ve talked to her about it as should mum stop being open about it to me, hopefully she’ll still talk to her.
Mums told him she’s spending three days with me this week while I’m here so we’ll see. It’s so difficult. I feel like I’ve said the things and made it very clear the behaviours I’m seeing, that she’s also witnessed too. I’m hoping he will trip himself up soon as she will be more aware and come to the decision that it’s not a healthy relationship.

He sounds like my 'ex' stepfather (who essentially disowned us after mum died) - no social skills, absolute love bombing, drove a wedge between us and our mum because he wanted to be with her all the time and was jealous of our time with her (from early teens to mid thirties when she died), was always being sued by someone, thought he was gods gift to business, never asked us any questions about our lives let alone speak to any of our friends, and spent most of his time when we were there watching the racing on TV. A charmer!

Good luck with your mum's new boyfriend and just watch out if he starts to come between you and your mum.

From what you have said he's already done more than enough to trip himself up.

He'll likely accept the three days that you are there with the intention of wheedling back in when you're gone.

Your Mum seems to be turning a blind eye to quite a bit imo.

I think she's not as aware as you think/hope or is willing to overlook or she would surely have got rid by now?

I hope your mum will listen to you and get this guy out of her life soon!
It'll only get worse.

Stop tip-toeing.

This kid-glove approach has not helped to date.

Your DM could well be in significant danger (emotional / physical / financial) - the risks to women INCREASE when the relationship is seen to end. This is the time she is in most danger. You all need belt and braces here and a safety plan in place. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

The locks need changing ASAP. Its a simple job you can do yourself (look at youtube) to change the barrels. Make sure you do front and back doors.

She needs to tell her neighbours, friends and social group that he might be a pest and to keep an eye out for her.

She is vulnerable. The group have warned her about him - they did noit do this lightly - I would do everything to find out exactly what they meant so that she is prepared for his MO. Do this directly. Your DM needs protecting.