Brother has found parents’ wills

[ChorltonCreamery]

My mother tripped over a few days ago. Initially all seemed fine. Friend brought her home but the next day she went to a walk in. It was felt that she might need a procedure on her wrist.

What I only found out yesterday was that Dad rang one of my brothers to go through his desk to find this policy they have, a medical insurance that kicks in if NHS waiting list is too long. In the process of doing this he found their wills and read them.

Yesterday Brother asked if I could go round to his but I couldn’t as we are away. This afternoon sister texts me to call her back, it turns our parents have divided their estate into four. Three quarters between brother, sister and me with a quarter going to other brother’s child(ren) with us three acting as trustees.

Brother 2 is not included, we think because sister in law has two children from previous marriage and there has been drama from them.

Brother wants me and sister to meet for a chat about everything.

He says that the wills were not in a marked file and he had to go through lots of stuff in order to find the insurance.

I don’t know what to think, or what I am meant to think. Sisters annoyed with brother for even telling us.

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yikes. This is tricky. Honestly I’d be pissed off being left with this without any prior notification. You are expected to be a trustee for the GCs but not prior warning? That’s harsh.

I agree with PP who talked about cowards leaving a grenade to explode after they're gone.

Say they dropped dead tonorrow. The brother who is excluded might have very good need of any inheritance money for any number of reasons. Legal fees, paying for medical treatment he can't get on the NHS, a final holiday for the family if God forbid one of them gets very ill, vet bills for a beloved family pet, emergency dentistry, putting it aside for his kids' house deposits or education... His kids OTOH are very likely to do what most young people do at 18 or similar young age who come into a sizeable sum they haven't earnt- blow the lot on holidays, vapes, nights out, drugs, clothes or fucking lip fillers in under 12 months.

If the parents are mostly motivated by spite against his spouse, double shame on them.

Yes, very sensible, had they discussed it with the kids. Otherwise they are disinheriting one of their children, whichever way you look at it.

How does anyone know that they weren't going to talk to their children about it. The parents are still alive!

Why would you not have the discussion before you change it?

We really don’t know anything about brother 2 and his relationship with parents so cannot comment. It’s their money and completely up to them.

@GlutesthatSalute I agree with you, I think it's very unfair to do that a child without an explanation & then leave your other dc to deal with the fallout. I actually have no idea why anyone would do this but it seems very common on MNs

The time to talk about it was clearly when the change was made, surely?

The will exists, and they could get hit by a bus tomorrow - the damage would be done. There would be nothing but a will to get to grips with, and no opportunity to ask them about it.

The OP doesn't have to accept the appointment as trustee.

I don’t know what to think, or what I am meant to think.

That your brother is an interfering sneak who doesn't understand the concept of privacy? He had no right, legally or morally, to read the wills.

@Poppyyoutwat it doesn't bother you that your DH doesn't have an issue with their racism? Wow

Your parents are behaving in an appalling manner. Any of the other three siblings could divorce and remarry someone with other unrelated children after their death. Treating your children differently in this way is morally reprehensible even if this is one of the few countries that allows it legally, and will undoubtedly cause problems with family relationships when your parents die. It’s immensely selfish and it’s lucky that your brother discovered it before that happened. It seems he wants advice from you on how to address it with your parents and make them realise how damaging and awful this is, to their disinherited son and the other three of you, and your children as well. They have been immensely selfish to write a will like this, knowing the horrendous problems it will create after their deaths.

They could put money into family trusts so that your brother and his children can be beneficiaries without other siblings as trustees and with clear instructions that the money should be used as he sees fit so no onerous conditions for release by the trustees, while still protecting it from his new wife/ her children in case of divorce. They could do this in all cases - for you and your other two siblings also, in case you later divorce and remarry. Instead they’ve decided to treat their children unequally and create a lot of unnecessary problems that might well rip the family apart.

Utterly selfish and I can understand you brother’s concern (the one who discovered it, not the disinherited one who it seems is still in the dark). I hope you can all persuade your parents out of this appalling course of action by explaining the likely consequences, telling them you’re not willing to be trustees in such a situation, and telling them to seek independent financial advice about more appropriate options.

Do you think they are mentally well? No decent parent would do this if they were of sound mind, unless they were very vindictive people and didn’t care about their children.

My parents have done the same. They have a 3 way split between myself , my elder sister and my younger sister's dc. I have asked them to reconsider and they say she's has had more financial help than us, is awful with money and hasn't spoken to them in over a decade. All true but nevertheless I fear it will cause problems as she's likely to be furious and demand her dc give it to her. I've suggest that 'her' third' gets split 3 ways between her and her dc to prevent arguing if they really don't want to leave her 'her' third. I'm not saying any more as it's up to them.

But just because they are named trustees it doesn't mean they have to be trustees they can refuse when the time comes and ask for someone independent... Also the Children may be of age when the OPs parents die.

I can't believe that people don't discuss the contents of their Will with their nearest and dearest, and their reasoning behind their decisions, before they pop their clogs.

DP skipped DB and I, and left their estate to their DGC. We were happy and comfortable with that decision.

Our DC have been able to get a foot on the property ladder due to their generosity, and have been brought up to know that they are very fortunate to have had such hard-working GP who were able to give them this start.

Had DB or I had reasonable misgivings when DP raised it with us, I am sure that would have listened and re-thought.

This. If you gang up on your parents to change their wills, when the time comes you'll find they have, and gave the whole lot to the local cats home instead, and it will serve you all right.

Or in the real world they could have a discussion & not have to kowtow to prevent any cash going to the cats home.

His parents can do no wrong in his eyes. I’m not in the position to leave him over that (I’m not well).

Its your parents money, they're entitled to do what they like with it. Its not for anyone else to discuss what they should or shouldn't be doing with it - not even their children.

It looks like the relationship with the other son is already damaged given the reference to existing drama with him and his wife and kids from previous marriage.

And by giving his share to his kids they are making it clear that they are doing this to favour the siblings but that it’s due to whatever is going on with them that they have fallen out over.

I think there are circumstances where parents can exclude a child from their will eg an adult child who decides they want nothing to do with their parents, cut them from their lives etc cannot expect to inherit from the parents they so clearly despise. It’s all in the detail of what’s going on and we don’t have that detail here.

Where j have an issue is when parents don’t make it clear and it falls on the other siblings to let the child who was cut out know leading to fractured relationships. Parents should own their decision and let their affected child know.

Treating your children differently in this way is morally reprehensible even if this is one of the few countries that allows it legally,

I think that's why I find it so odd cause you can't do this in many countries but as I said seems to be normal on MNs and you are entitled if you are upset about it. I guess a lot of posters don't have good familial relationships.

DH and i were having a chat earlier on about his will (he hasn't done one yet so it would come to me) and what he would want to leave his DC. This is our 2nd marriage and he has 3 adult kids. One treats him well, regular contact and shows she loves him. The other two, despite him trying only get in touch if they want something, his exw had the affair and split the family. He is going to leave 70% to the one daughter and 15% to the other two, bloody good for him I say his money to do what he wants with.

These parents are disgusting

@SpryUmberZebra I agree that sometimes there are valid reasons but like you said it should be discussed and open rather than leaving things to self destruct in your absence. That's cowardly.

Well your brother sounds a bit of an idiot doesn’t he. First it’s nothing to do with him. Second - they obviously feel brother 2 is under the influence of his wife so has jumped her which is fair enough and three the inheritance might not even exist if your parents live to be very old and need care. So in your position I’d just say it’s none of my business and leave the whole thing alone.

Exactly. All of this should be openly and transparently discussed well in advance, not leaving horrific “surprises” like this for people. Who would want to cause division and potentially rip their family apart after their death?

per my previous post, it’s also not necessary to achieve what OP thinks may be the parents’ aim, so it’s simply vindictive and nasty. What a legacy to leave!

One treats him well, regular contact and shows she loves him. The other two, despite him trying only get in touch if they want something, his exw had the affair and split the family. He is going to leave 70% to the one daughter and 15% to the other two, bloody good for him I say his money to do what he wants with.

I think that is awful, why would you use money like that? Has he spoken to these dc about how they feel about the relationship with him? It's very rare that only one party is hurt.