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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend putting foot in it with DH by repeating my concerns with sex life

154 replies

Halo25 · 24/05/2025 08:46

Am I right to feel a bit pissed off here? I had a friend round last night for dinner (DH was out for a team meal). We had a couple of drinks and I confided in her that we were having a bit of a challenge with intimacy recently (in that it’s infrequent for a few reasons) but nothing that I didn’t think could be solved.

DH joined us briefly when he returned, I’m sure he’d have wanted to go straight to bed but out of politeness had a quick chat with my friend etc.

My friend brashly turns to him and says ‘you need to start giving her what she deserves or there’ll be a queue of men that will. Look at her, I’m surprised you don’t want to jump on her every night’. DH awkwardly laughed and made his excuses to go to bed.

I was horrified - my friend was drunk but for me has crossed a line. DH is furious with me for ‘oversharing’ despite my repeated apologies.

I’ve not contacted my friend yet today - would you read the riot act?

OP posts:
LikeARacoonOnMeth · 24/05/2025 08:50

Why on earth did you tell her?
I’d be furious if DH discussed our sex life with his mates.

Turn this around and everyone would be telling the woman their DH was out of order to share with his mates (there have been several such threads recently too)

So, no, I wouldn’t read her the riot act. I think this is on you tbh, you overshared and she was drunk. If you hadn’t told her she couldn’t have blabbed.

WimpoleHat · 24/05/2025 08:51

She was out of order for repeating what you said - but under most circumstances, I’d think you were unreasonable for telling her what you did. It’s a bit different from your younger days when you might discuss dates you’ve had with friends, I think - intimacy within a marriage is a very personal thing. I’m sure you’d have been horrified if he’d said something similar to one of his colleagues at dinner, or to a mate down the pub. But yes - I would be furious with your friend and I’d be very, very careful about telling her anything personal again!

TasWair · 24/05/2025 08:51

She knew exactly what she was doing. Frienemy.

Howcloseisburnout · 24/05/2025 08:54

Nah she was probably just drunk and won’t have realised the impact.

Never say anything that you don’t want repeated 🤷🏼‍♀️

Toiletbrushanswer · 24/05/2025 08:54

If you don't have the kind of relationship where you're both happy that the other person talks about your sex life with friends then you shouldn't have and this is on you.
She was drunk. Drunk people don't usually have the best social skills.

Comedycook · 24/05/2025 08:55

I don't think you were wrong for discussing it with her...it's fairly normal for women to talk to friends about such things. Her behaviour was outrageous.. I'm not sure I'd bother with her again

IamnotSethRogan · 24/05/2025 08:56

I wouldn't be too harsh on your friend, drunken well meaning blabbering.

I also don't think there is anything wrong with discussing things with your friends. Maybe not this friend in future! It's an awkward situation but I'm sure your DH will get over it

Sharptonguedwoman · 24/05/2025 08:56

Take note for future reference. Never tell this woman anything again that's private. It's lesson learned the hard way, sadly.
I have a lovely friend I spend a lot of time with but give her alcohol and she can't keep a secret to save her life. I'm very careful with personal details now.

PopThatBench · 24/05/2025 08:56

Depending on what the reasons are for the lack of intimacy, you could have very well embarrassed/humiliated your husband.
This is on you, not your friend.
I’d focus on grovelling for the day to be honest and making it up to your husband, not bollocking your friend for blabbing (though I wouldn’t be telling her the weather report in future let alone anything personal)!

Damnloginpopup · 24/05/2025 08:57

😁 Good on her. Did you get any?

(No need to answer, but if you wanted it I hope he took the hint!)

SengaNaLenga · 24/05/2025 08:57

Unlike the posters above, I think it's perfectly reasonable that you confided in her - it can be really helpful to share troubles and get advice from friends, and I don't think that because your trouble is intimacy, it means you should be condemned never to discuss it with anyone ever!

And I also think your friend was AWFUL. I'd make profuse apologies to DH but explain that you were seeking support and advice from someone you thought you could trust. And I think I'd have to say something to the friend - she's not just crossed a line, she's run over it in a ten-ton truck.

TheSlantedOwl · 24/05/2025 08:57

Your friend is totally in the wrong. How drunk was she - she’d have to be extremely drunk to blurt something like that out?

MeganM3 · 24/05/2025 09:00

No I wouldn’t say anything. She thought she was being nice / funny and you shouldn’t have told her. Especially while drinking.

I don’t think she deserves a reading of the riot act at all.

And maybe, just maybe it might lead to DH understanding how serious this issue is for you. Once he’s calmed down and had a think about it.
Your friend bringing it up isn’t the main issue.

Communitywebbing · 24/05/2025 09:02

You can’t trust this woman. Don’t confide in her again and don’t tell her off because she’ll blurt that out at some point too. Concentrate on making things right with your partner.

Zanatdy · 24/05/2025 09:03

Wow, i’d be absolutely fuming. Drunk or not, she crossed the line.

Renabrook · 24/05/2025 09:04

So if he was down the pub with his mates discussing your sex life that would be ok?

Picklepower · 24/05/2025 09:05

Damnloginpopup · 24/05/2025 08:57

😁 Good on her. Did you get any?

(No need to answer, but if you wanted it I hope he took the hint!)

Shaming and embarrassing someone in to sex is hardly going to fix the issue is it

Bowlandbillow · 24/05/2025 09:05

I find it irritating that the MN consensus is that women can confide in their friends and to their Mums but there is huge anger and cries of disloyalty when a man talks to his friends, to his mother, to his sister. There was a recent thread where a woman confided everything about her husband all the time to her Mum. . Then she was upset with her mother for verbally attacking her son in law about his faults.
i have been married a very long time and I never talked about my relationship with my husband to my mother or sisters. It didn’t seem fair when I would have been raging with my husband if he had complained about me to his mother.
I think you were completely out of order OP and I would never trust you again if I were your husband.

ItGhoul · 24/05/2025 09:06

Regardless of whether or not you should have told your friend in the first place (and I think it is pretty normal to confide in a close friend about something like that) she should absolutely not have repeated it. I would be utterly furious with her. I don’t think being a bit drunk is an excuse either.

DejaMooo · 24/05/2025 09:08

I wouldn’t read her the riot act, but would tell her that your husband is upset with you over it. She’ll most likely feel bad about it and it might make her think twice in future about blurting out things told to her in confidence, regardless of how drunk she is. I also don’t think it’s weird or wrong for you to confide in a trusted friend about stuff like this. I have and do - sometimes you need to get things off your chest and get advice. I guess it depends on the kind of friendship you have though - and it’s not like I make fun of my husband or treat it like salacious gossip.

Bowlandbillow · 24/05/2025 09:09

@Halo25Do you have an agreement with your husband that he can discuss your sex life or lack of it with his mates? Do you moan to your Mother about his poor performance in bed? It really doesn’t seem healthy to me.

ItGhoul · 24/05/2025 09:09

Renabrook · 24/05/2025 09:04

So if he was down the pub with his mates discussing your sex life that would be ok?

If my partner was genuinely concerned/worried about an issue with our sex life and wasn’t sure what to do and was looking for advice from someone he trusted, I wouldn’t have a problem with him confiding in a close friend.

Cherrysoup · 24/05/2025 09:09

I’d be furious with her, but duh for telling her and whilst she’s drinking! No wonder your Dh is fuming.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 24/05/2025 09:14

I have a friend who asked me some confidential advice after going through survery with a long recovery so struggled to know where to start with rebuilding intimacy, with her DH, confidence issues etc. I happily chatted with her and gave her some advice (because she knows I've had a time where I had to rebuild intimacy) but I wouldn't dream of telling another soul. It was a private discussion between two friends. Your friend was bu to tell him. Obviously you thought you could trust her.

uuuuu · 24/05/2025 09:14

I don’t think you should have confided this. Especially to a drunk friend. At least it was only one person and in a private setting.

Anyway, since you did, she might have done you a favour - she could have been motivated by looking out for you. You are clearly unhappy with your sex life and your DH doesn’t seem to be bothered enough to talk about the problem with you or fix it.