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Original poster

Friend putting foot in it with DH by repeating my concerns with sex life

154 replies

Halo25 · 24/05/2025 08:46

Am I right to feel a bit pissed off here? I had a friend round last night for dinner (DH was out for a team meal). We had a couple of drinks and I confided in her that we were having a bit of a challenge with intimacy recently (in that it’s infrequent for a few reasons) but nothing that I didn’t think could be solved.

DH joined us briefly when he returned, I’m sure he’d have wanted to go straight to bed but out of politeness had a quick chat with my friend etc.

My friend brashly turns to him and says ‘you need to start giving her what she deserves or there’ll be a queue of men that will. Look at her, I’m surprised you don’t want to jump on her every night’. DH awkwardly laughed and made his excuses to go to bed.

I was horrified - my friend was drunk but for me has crossed a line. DH is furious with me for ‘oversharing’ despite my repeated apologies.

I’ve not contacted my friend yet today - would you read the riot act?

OP posts:
FlakyCritic · 27/05/2025 03:55

BlueEyedBogWitch · 27/05/2025 03:30

MN feels like a parallel universe sometimes. In what world do women not turn to each other for support and advice when dealing with relationship difficulties?

It’s what friends are for! I’m not advocating broadcasting one’s husband’s ED down the pub, but for a woman to turn to a trusted friend is just what happens, isn’t it?

As far as double standards go, I’ve no idea what men do. I wish they would offer each other support. Too many men struggle on alone, often with tragic results.

Your friend was so far out of line, it beggars belief. I’d never, ever speak to her again. She’s a saboteur, not a friend.

Agreed. In real life, women talk about their sex lives with their girl friends, that's what women do. This thread is really batshit trying to gaslight the OP for something that is completely and totally normal.

Though I do think suggesting OP not speak ever again to her friend is pretty batshit, too. The friend was drunk and spoke out of turn defending her friend, that's all. She meant well.

BlueEyedBogWitch · 27/05/2025 03:58

Renabrook · 27/05/2025 03:40

it is the usual women do something ''it is all for caring and support and to meet emotional needs"

men do something ''OMG how on earth can he do that to you, you need to grey rock him and report him"

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I don’t think I said that, or ever would.

CurlewKate · 27/05/2025 04:23

She is presumably now an ex friend?

FlakyCritic · 27/05/2025 04:34

CurlewKate · 27/05/2025 04:23

She is presumably now an ex friend?

Why would she be? She was looking out for her friend! The amount of people who would dump a friend for a well-meaning mistake is sad and astonishing. No wonder some have problems maintaining connections in society if they throw a friend away for the slightest infraction. Goodness!

MyObservations · 27/05/2025 05:02

Idontneedanotherhero · 26/05/2025 21:11

If the OP is unable to talk to her friend then who should she talk to?? This friend has been rubbish I agree but I have been married for 15 years, 10 of them rubbish and I never spoke to anyone about it but I have in the last year because I can’t cope any more!

She could try talking to her husband!

someonehastoberight · 27/05/2025 06:19

I think it’s fine to talk to someone about an issue like this. Not fine for your friend to tell him. I’d have to tell her I was unhappy she had done it. And I would be more careful of what I tell her going forward.

Doughlene · 27/05/2025 06:29

I’d be very cross at your friend.
One of my close friends recently confided in me something very similar because she wanted support and advice, and I couldn’t imagine telling her other half.

CurlewKate · 27/05/2025 07:03

FlakyCritic · 27/05/2025 04:34

Why would she be? She was looking out for her friend! The amount of people who would dump a friend for a well-meaning mistake is sad and astonishing. No wonder some have problems maintaining connections in society if they throw a friend away for the slightest infraction. Goodness!

Edited
Show quote history

It’s not a “well meaning mistake” ffs. She was told
something in confidence. She broke that confidence in a matter of hours.

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 27/05/2025 07:05

My friends and I always talk about this kind of thing, I'd never dream of bringing it back up to their husbands. The only thing I wonder, is if it somehow came across a bit jokey or your friend didn't realise the boundaries. I can imagine her viewpoint is maybe more "we are all friends here and I just wanted to stand up for you and make sure he saw your POV"
I wouldn't necessarily read her the riot act, I'd more say your husband is hurt and awkward that it got brought up like that. She's maybe not the right confidante, next time you tell a friend something be explicit "just between us, so please don't tell anyone but....". Also be aware, it's very unlikely it'll get kept secret.

CurlewKate · 27/05/2025 07:06

CosyLemur · 26/05/2025 21:09

So you'd be happy with your DH to discuss every aspect of your sex life or lack of it with his friends and has OP has done with her friend blame you for it all to the point that they said "give him sex or he'll leave you?"

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Not with his friends down the pub, no. But to a trusted friend? Of course.

ThrowawayAccount29 · 27/05/2025 07:07

This is definitely your fault for gossiping with your friend. I’d be so angry with my DH if he did the same. Your friend is probably telling half the people she knows anyway so why did you bother? You’ve now just upset the person you’re supposed to love.

GAJLY · 27/05/2025 07:45

I'd give her a free pass as she was drunk. I'd not tell her private stuff if you're going to drink together. I'd save it for a daytime chat minus the alcohol.

ALunchbox · 27/05/2025 07:49

Really surprised people would be upset if their husbands discussed their sex lives with friends. What is there to be upset about? It's just sex (or lack of :) )

Blondebrownorred · 27/05/2025 08:16

ALunchbox · 27/05/2025 07:49

Really surprised people would be upset if their husbands discussed their sex lives with friends. What is there to be upset about? It's just sex (or lack of :) )

Exactly. Me and DH both discuss sex regularly with our friends. Always have done.

SummertimeFeelingFine · 27/05/2025 08:31

Maybe it depends on what your relationship is like. We have a very good and healthy sex life, and I've never felt the need to discuss it with anyone else. And DH is even more private than I am.

I do think there's some truth to the old adage that the more you talk about sex the less you're likely to be having it.

SummertimeFeelingFine · 27/05/2025 08:43

(I maintain the same boundaries about privacy/confidentiality in relation to all aspects of our relationship. If our marriage was bad enough or difficult enough to navigate or there were serious enough issues between us that I regularly had to ask for advice on it or complain/discuss/talk about our private business to others, I think I'd probably decide it wasn't the sort of marriage I'd particularly want to stay in)

CurlewKate · 27/05/2025 09:10

Only on Mumsnet is a person whose confidence was betrayed by a friend the bad guy!

Imbusytodaysorry · 27/05/2025 09:54

TasWair · 24/05/2025 08:51

She knew exactly what she was doing. Frienemy.

This !

Pherian · 27/05/2025 10:22

LikeARacoonOnMeth · 24/05/2025 08:50

Why on earth did you tell her?
I’d be furious if DH discussed our sex life with his mates.

Turn this around and everyone would be telling the woman their DH was out of order to share with his mates (there have been several such threads recently too)

So, no, I wouldn’t read her the riot act. I think this is on you tbh, you overshared and she was drunk. If you hadn’t told her she couldn’t have blabbed.

There is a difference between discussing a concern and discussing the details of your sex life. If my husband was bothered about something and said something to his mates as long as it wasn't graphic and in detail about things we did - then I would be understanding. If it came back to me though and I didn't know about this issue first, then I'd be upset.

ItGhoul · 27/05/2025 10:29

SummertimeFeelingFine · 27/05/2025 08:31

Maybe it depends on what your relationship is like. We have a very good and healthy sex life, and I've never felt the need to discuss it with anyone else. And DH is even more private than I am.

I do think there's some truth to the old adage that the more you talk about sex the less you're likely to be having it.

People talk about sex for all sorts of reasons. Some people are just more open about this stuff than others, that's all. It doesn't mean you have a better or 'healthier' sex life than they do, any more than being quiet about what you had for dinner last night means that your meal was superior to that of someone who tells you all about theirs.

Emmz1510 · 27/05/2025 11:31

While I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing to be discussing this with a close friend, I do think it was silly to be doing this while you were both drinking and you kinda have to take some responsibility for
this!

abanemare · 27/05/2025 12:38

This: I, the wife, come home from a works do to my husband's boorish friend saying, get em off girl, he's dying for it. Classy. OP should have discussed their intimate life with her husband and no-one else. She should be reading the riot act to herself

SummertimeFeelingFine · 27/05/2025 13:24

ItGhoul · 27/05/2025 10:29

People talk about sex for all sorts of reasons. Some people are just more open about this stuff than others, that's all. It doesn't mean you have a better or 'healthier' sex life than they do, any more than being quiet about what you had for dinner last night means that your meal was superior to that of someone who tells you all about theirs.

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This was broadly in reply to a previous comment saying what's the big deal about discussing sex or lack of it.

It touches on an important point - sex really doesn't matter much at all unless you're not having it. I have absolutely no interest in whether or not my sex life is 'superior' (or not) in comparison to anyone else's. I put it that way because it makes it clear that I've never felt the need to talk about it to anyone else and part of that is likely due to the fact that it's not an issue for us.

However even if it were I wouldn't talk about it with friends or family, no matter how close or trusted they were. It's too close to the situation and I wouldn't trust them to give unbiased, disinterested advice and I also wouldn't be sure that it might not cause issues later. If I needed advice I'd ask for it anonymously and make my own mind up.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 27/05/2025 14:50

BlueEyedBogWitch · 27/05/2025 03:58

I don’t think I said that, or ever would.

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Read it as @Renabrook agreeing with you on the double standards. ...

KieBecHinmac · 27/05/2025 17:12

You aren't and you are...
This is my personal opinion by they way I could be wrong.
But you clearly need to speak about it and it is normal I'm. In my 20s my partners in his 30s stress and other thing s get in the way... It's normal babe so your friend should have gone off like that... But maybe if your friend seen that it bothered you she could be trying to address the situation for you as she think you deserve to be happy... Maybe talk to your friend as she could have had the best intentions just had a few to many and went over the top

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