Friend putting foot in it with DH by repeating my concerns with sex life

[Halo25]

Am I right to feel a bit pissed off here? I had a friend round last night for dinner (DH was out for a team meal). We had a couple of drinks and I confided in her that we were having a bit of a challenge with intimacy recently (in that it’s infrequent for a few reasons) but nothing that I didn’t think could be solved.

DH joined us briefly when he returned, I’m sure he’d have wanted to go straight to bed but out of politeness had a quick chat with my friend etc.

My friend brashly turns to him and says ‘you need to start giving her what she deserves or there’ll be a queue of men that will. Look at her, I’m surprised you don’t want to jump on her every night’. DH awkwardly laughed and made his excuses to go to bed.

I was horrified - my friend was drunk but for me has crossed a line. DH is furious with me for ‘oversharing’ despite my repeated apologies.

I’ve not contacted my friend yet today - would you read the riot act?

If the OP is unable to talk to her friend then who should she talk to?? This friend has been rubbish I agree but I have been married for 15 years, 10 of them rubbish and I never spoke to anyone about it but I have in the last year because I can’t cope any more!

I agree that she knew what she was doing by saying that. Also, I would be furious if my DH was talking about our sex life.

She’s massively overstepped and made herself untrustworthy of being your friend. So sorry :(

Wow! Glad I’m not friends with you guys!

sounds like it was meant light heartedly tbh, his reaction sounds like it’s triggered a nerve. Girls talk, boys talk. Everyone talks after one too many drinks

You picked the wrong time and place to discuss this. Theres nothing wrong with wanting advice on a difficult situation from your friends, but discussing this sober and away from your home would probably have been the best option. Not when she would be in your DHs company any moment, drunk! Me and DH personally dont discuss our sex lives with other people, I find it disrespectful. Obviously your DH does too so id say this is on you for not having that mutual understanding. Put yourself in his shoes and if youd be annoyed at him for doing the same, then you know you're in the wrong. Obviously your friend was wrong too, shes really embarrassed your DH and basically shamed him which hes rightly furious at. But you're the one who's overshared and disrespected him imo.

Oh heck, how embarrassing. 😳

Personally, I don’t tell even my closest friends anything about my sex life and I don’t want to hear about theirs either! It sounds as if your DH has handled it well, don’t worry about it. But don’t tell this friend anything again as she clearly can’t keep her mouth shut when she’s had a few drinks!

You need to talk to DH not your drunken friend.

id be so cross if my DH chatted to his friends about such a delicate subject.

ye ma your friend was out of order: but she was drunk and you over shared.

lesson learnt.

You are an utter dick to have told your friend about your sex life. Totally disrespectful to your husband.

Don't be mad with the friend. She was trying to help! Drunkly and a bit stupidly. But really, don't make her the fall-guy.

Be mad that you have intimacy issues bad enough you felt you had to reach out to her. Be mad you and your DH haven't resolved them. Be mad he's focused on her comment and not you.

That's awfully crass and it disrespects you confiding in her.

Unless you and her and both your partners literally speak that openly about sex on a casual basis?

You must tell her it's bang out of order and was not appropriate to blast it out to him.

I'd not ever talk about anything private again with her tbh.

I spoke to a close friend about some [non-sexual] challenges I was having with my partner. I needed a listening ear and some support. Months later we are all having a drink with our respective partners and she starts to make light of this confidential chat in a jovial way over a few drink. We were still having struggles at the time of the meet-up. I needed a mate not someone to go blabbing. I felt hurt. I can’t talk to her about that stuff anymore, I don’t trust her. I didn’t say anything as I wasn’t in a great place. I’ve known her for many years. I felt sad about the situation. I still feel sad that I can’t trust her anymore.

OP I’m sorry this happened. Your friend was out of order and you deserve an apology. She may not have realised that she betrayed your trust but that also doesn’t make it okay. Tell her how you feel if you feel able to do so.

Honestly, I think it’s actually very healthy for people to discuss their sex lives with their friends. Not things like “my bf has herpes”, but discussing issues can help you feel less alone or even find solutions.
I would chat calmly to your friend “hey, thanks for listening to me about the issues we’ve been having. But please in future don’t bring it up to my husband as he gets a bit uncomfortable”.
You also need to have a chat with your husband about boundaries and explain why it’s helpful for you to share certain details of your sex life with close friends.

Jesus Christ please don’t listen to the people name calling because you confided in a friend about your sex life. My friend circle do it - we are in our 30’s, married, babies. We actually do it more now than we did in our 20’s. I also wouldn’t give a monkeys if DH did.

Your friend messed up though, but these things happen when alcohol is involved.

Totally normal to talk about sex and relationship issues with friends. I wouldn’t be remotely pissed off if my partner did, in fact I assume everyone does! Isn’t that what friends are for? I’d find it weirder if he didn’t tbh. I can’t be his sole support for everything. Yes, the friend was a bit of a knob but nothing you shouldn’t be able to laugh off.

@Raspberryripple11 @Ratisshortforratthew Everyone’s different. I’ve told close friends when DH and I weren’t getting along or strongly disagreed about sth, but have never discussed sex. They’ve never mentioned sex to me either, I have absolutely no idea about anyone else’s sex life tbh, never have. I don’t think it’s wrong to discuss your sex life, I just don’t!

Perhaps we’re just a bunch of prudes or it’s our age (I’m 50) but even in my teens/20’s I didn’t share much or hear much, although we were def. sexually active. 😂

I think it’s perfectly acceptable to discuss things with friends and get other perspectives. Confiding in others and sharing problems, regardless of the subject, is a healthy thing to do - all that matters is that it’s done respectfully. I would not be concerned about my partner discussing things with friends - as long as it’s done in a respectful way.

Your friend was out of order and I would say something to her. She’s betrayed your trust.

Strange how people on here have close friends they can't/don't confidence in.

Same as another thread where OP was told not to offer advice on clothing choices, despite being asked.

So many fake/surface friendships going on.

Talking things through with a trusted friend is healthy, same for the man.
As long as it's done in a respectful way, not mocking the other partner.

You know now not to trust this friend OP but surprised you didn't have the measure of her before now.

Resorting to name calling, really!

Agree. Everyone will know your business. I'd be pissed off. She sounds incredibly crass.

Your fault for sharing your intimacy taht should only be between u two. You wouldn’t like for him to share with his friends so why do you think it’s acceptable for you?

what on earth are you doing discussing intimate issues with a friend? I would be furious if my husband did that to me. I suggest you discuss the issues with each other or a therapist. Its a dreadful betrayal of trust.

I wouldn’t be angry at her. She shouldn’t have said anything, you’d think that goes without saying but I’d let it go. I disagree with other commenters about talking about this with a friend. You should be able to confide in a friend, that’s a huge part of friendship. It’s different of course if you tell a group of people. I’d like to live in a world where I can tell a close friend about what is on my mind. On the other hand I can obviously understand why he’s not happy. I’d just move on from the situation.

MN feels like a parallel universe sometimes. In what world do women not turn to each other for support and advice when dealing with relationship difficulties?

It’s what friends are for! I’m not advocating broadcasting one’s husband’s ED down the pub, but for a woman to turn to a trusted friend is just what happens, isn’t it?

As far as double standards go, I’ve no idea what men do. I wish they would offer each other support. Too many men struggle on alone, often with tragic results.

Your friend was so far out of line, it beggars belief. I’d never, ever speak to her again. She’s a saboteur, not a friend.

it is the usual women do something ''it is all for caring and support and to meet emotional needs"

men do something ''OMG how on earth can he do that to you, you need to grey rock him and report him"