Friend putting foot in it with DH by repeating my concerns with sex life

[Halo25]

Am I right to feel a bit pissed off here? I had a friend round last night for dinner (DH was out for a team meal). We had a couple of drinks and I confided in her that we were having a bit of a challenge with intimacy recently (in that it’s infrequent for a few reasons) but nothing that I didn’t think could be solved.

DH joined us briefly when he returned, I’m sure he’d have wanted to go straight to bed but out of politeness had a quick chat with my friend etc.

My friend brashly turns to him and says ‘you need to start giving her what she deserves or there’ll be a queue of men that will. Look at her, I’m surprised you don’t want to jump on her every night’. DH awkwardly laughed and made his excuses to go to bed.

I was horrified - my friend was drunk but for me has crossed a line. DH is furious with me for ‘oversharing’ despite my repeated apologies.

I’ve not contacted my friend yet today - would you read the riot act?

She was so out of order and I'd be very angry with her. But I wouldn't discuss anything deeply personal like that with friends - you cannot trust that people won't do or say something stupid/damaging, either unintentionally or with malice.

I would never disrespect my husband by discussing our intimate issues with anybody else, and I'd be very upset if he told anyone about my personal business.

Ah well at least it worked out okay for you. That's good.

I wouldn't talk to her again about your marriage, she's clearly not able to behave.

No. It’s a risk you take when you share intimate details.

I would be more focused on talking to your DH.

No it’s not. Have a circle of 30year friendships and we have never discussed this. Totally crossed a line here.

If your husband doesn't wish to see her again he is entitled to feel that way.

If you continue to see her and be okay with her humiliation of your husband then do not be surprised if it comes back to haunt you in your relationship.

Real friends do not humiliate the husbands of people they genuinely care about.

You are the unreasonable one here, for sharing complaints about your sex life.

I would be horrified if I discovered OH was moaning about lack of sex to his mate.

Whether you were out of order or not depends on your relationship. Different couples have different attitudes to confiding in friends about sex lives and that's OK, but you need to be on the same page. From the update it seems like you are.

Personally I think it crosses the line - if you want sexual advice there's reams of it out there, including on anonymous forums like this, without having to bring in someone who knows both of you personally. I would maybe understand it if you confided in someone you specifically knew could offer good advice and would be discreet. Confiding in a drunk friend with your husband on the way home was a rookie error.

Your friend was bang out of order, of course. Does she have a history of tactlessness and running her mouth when drunk? Because it's very odd for her to suddenly do that if it's not in character. (If she has a history of it, again more fool you for choosing her to confide in!)

With any friend who's close enough that I'd dream of confiding a problem to, I have a fairly solid idea of how discreet they'll be about it. And always err on the side of caution if discretion is important.

Your friend is in the wrong. I expect you’ll get an apology from her.

I would accept it (after all - everyone makes mistakes) but I wouldn’t trust her again.

I put YABU - because you shouldn’t have told her

But those are YOUR boundaries, not necessarily his.
You are / were wrong to discuss this without his consent.
You need to absolutely apologise profusely.
If the boot was on the other foot, many on here would say you should leave your dh

for you maybe, never for me!

I think there's a difference between confiding in ONE friend in the privacy of your home and conversations with a group down the pub

I also think that neither side should discuss it with their mums!

I have very little time for people who blab intimate details of their marriage to third parties. Extremely disloyal and disrespectful.

OP also using the friend's quote as a not-so-subtle humble brag.

Well they are his boundaries as well, as confirmed by him according to the OP. Unclear if the OP know that beforehand.

@Halo25

Imagine coming home from a night out and your DH's friend rounding on you, telling you if you don't spread your legs for him there's plenty of other women who will.

Would you be happy with that friend ever being in your home again?

If I was your DH I'd have told your friend to get the fuck out of my house and never to set foot in it ever again, and that it you don't like that you can fuck off with her.

Also if she is moronic enough as to repeat this to your husbands face, I would take it as a given that she has blabbed your business to others.

You weren’t wrong to confide in a trusted friend about your sex life. Who else are you meant to speak to about it?

I would be very cross with her and I’d let her know that her comment has caused issues between you and dh. It sounds like she was drunk and trying to be funny, I doubt it was intended to stir up trouble but you know her character better than us, has she got form for this sort of stuff? Your dh must be mortified.

I don’t think it’s wrong to discuss these sort of issues with people you can trust, and would argue it’s different to a bunch of lairy blokes bragging about their conquests down the pub. But I do think it’s probably best to do it when alcohol is out of the equation and she isn’t likely to run into your dh.

I actually do in a way (if it's the right friend). I've had exes that never spoke to their friends about their relationships/sex life and they probably would've benefitted, especially talking to female friends. It might've helped them for a friend to say "I know how you feel", "this is how you could deal with this" or even "you're being unreasonable". Obviously it would be different if they were just comparing notes with their laddish mates, or their mates were making comments like in OP's case. But I think when there are general disagreements, something is a bit stressful or there's a mismatch in desire for a while it can be helpful to confide in a trusted mate and can relieve a bit of stress or pressure in the relationship

She overstepped any reasonably boundary that even the most stupid of people would realize should be taken for granted. Was alcohol involved? And if you clearly told her that the conversation was in confidence then exercise your right to make her an ex friend and value your self worth. As for hubby have a frank talk and hopefully you can be honest with one another and support each other though the difficult times or look to pastures new. Life's too short.

Just like OP's husband can't trust her

I disagree that the boundary was between the OP and DH to only discuss this matter. The boundary was the OP's right to share with her friend or anyone of her choosing just as she chooses to share here anonymously . The friend by mentioning to the DH overstepped their boundary with the OH if the convo was intended in confidence.

Just like OP has blabbed her DH's business, you mean?

How would you feel if your DH was telling his friends down the pub similar stories?

God, I don't ever discuss things like this with my friends. And on the rare occasions that they do, I always feel like, the less I know the better, thanks very much.

It is so different when you are young and dating. Then it's protective: we come to learn what's loving, what's boring, what's abusive, whether or not we want our sex lives to be based on porn, or reality, etc etc. But a marriage is an intimate creature, a very different scenario.

This ^^