Friend putting foot in it with DH by repeating my concerns with sex life

[Halo25]

Am I right to feel a bit pissed off here? I had a friend round last night for dinner (DH was out for a team meal). We had a couple of drinks and I confided in her that we were having a bit of a challenge with intimacy recently (in that it’s infrequent for a few reasons) but nothing that I didn’t think could be solved.

DH joined us briefly when he returned, I’m sure he’d have wanted to go straight to bed but out of politeness had a quick chat with my friend etc.

My friend brashly turns to him and says ‘you need to start giving her what she deserves or there’ll be a queue of men that will. Look at her, I’m surprised you don’t want to jump on her every night’. DH awkwardly laughed and made his excuses to go to bed.

I was horrified - my friend was drunk but for me has crossed a line. DH is furious with me for ‘oversharing’ despite my repeated apologies.

I’ve not contacted my friend yet today - would you read the riot act?

You shouldn’t have discussed something so personal with your friend. I have issues around intimacy thanks to a full hysterectomy, cancer and chemotherapy. Only my partner and oncologist know this, I wouldn’t dream of telling anyone else.

This is such a breach of privacy. She’s not a neutral third party / therapist. She’s a friend who he has to see in his own home. You should never have told her something like this and she’s an absolute fucking idiot with a massive mouth. I’d be done with her after this, quite honestly. A friend that can’t keep her mouth closed and humiliates my husband wouldn’t be one I’d be staying close to.

@Halo25 The best possible set up for a frenemy: the chance to stir under the guise of being drunk thereby giving them instant immunity from reprimand. And if you try to go there, they can gaslight you as the crazy one and assume the role of innocent victim for themselves 😬

My first thought. I had a friend who was always ‘accidentally’ putting her foot in it with my bfs then blaming being drunk. Nothing as personal as what’s described here but more embarrassing or private things about my past or opinions I’d had on bf’s friends that would make things awkward etc. She always pretended to be mortified but I started seeing right through it.

Awful that you discussed your private life of your husband with her.

You should never tell a friend anything ghat you would never want repeated.

You need to read the riot act to yourself and put yourself in your husbands shoes.

Imagine if one of his friends had left you feeling humiliated?

I think this is a real possibility.
I just don't buy it that a real friend drops you in it like that.

Someone who doesn't wish you well would fo it.

Why wouldn't she? Women discuss our sex lives with our girlfriends. That's what girlfriends are for!!

Yeah, when you're all young and nothing is that serious. Not when you're married/cohabiting/have kids/all socialise together, at least not in the same way

No...some women might do that. Many others absolutely do not.

Sex and the City is not real life. Certainly not across the board.

Maybe he's fine with it and just didn't want a telling off from the friend

No not when we're young, when we're adults and married. That is how married life is.

The friend shouldn’t of said anything but she was drunk, why trust someone when they are drunk? It’s on you for telling her

Of course women can confide in a close friend! The OP wasn’t in the pub regaling friends with ‘hilarious’ tales of her partners sexual performance! I’d be quite happy if a partner had struggles around intimacy for him to confide in a close friend. I’d hope he might receive some good advice or support. Are people really advocating someone should never speak about their sex life in a serious, respectful, one on one way to a close confidant. Just suffer in silence, muddling through if there’s a problem. The 1950’s called and wants its attitude back.

Your friend was bang out of order. This would be a line crossed which I doubt there’d be any coming back from for me. Anyone with a modicum of sense knows you don’t break a confidence in this way.

Well it's done now, you know not to tell her anything else that's sensitive.

It's an opportunity to open the conversation with your bloke though. Stop apologising. I hate it when people make you do that.

Maybe yours is. Mine isn't. I outgrew that oversharing thing years ago. My DH would be so hurt. DH's friends do NOT want to know anyway!

I don't think there's anything wrong with discussing relationship issues with a friend, it's unhealthy to keep these things to yourself sometimes and I think it's normal to seek advice from those you trust.

your friend sounds like a dick though so you chose the wrong person to confide in.

The issue here is the friend humiliating the OP's husband.

Loyalty to my husband would mean I would be apoplectic at her AND myself, for my lack of judgement in telling her.

But thankfully I don't know anyone who would be so crass as to behave like that, certainly not any close friend.

It seems to me this is an example of another "double standard" on here. I can't think of any of my friends who would be happy if their husband/partner talked about their sex lives with his mates.

I agree! My close friends and I discuss details of our marriages and find it very helpful and therapeutic. My husband knows that we talk about these things and probably doesn’t love it but he’s perfectly fine with it as he sees the benefit of it (and I wish he had friends to perform the same function for him, honestly. He really gets all of his emotional support from me and it’s exhausting!)

Its reasonable you confided in her but she is not your pal...

Sorry dh, I won’t be sharing anything personal with her again

It’s sad how many on here wouldn’t chat to their friends about relationship concerns. Granted her friend was a dick but she didn’t know that. We should be able to chat to our friends in confidence for advice about this stuff

This is your fault not your friends! You were talking about yours and your husband's sex life behind his back!!
You're just pissed off with your friend because she's outted you!

How would you like it if your husband was saying to his friends "my wife doesn't have sex with me anymore because she's ......." And then his friends say to you "why aren't you jumping on him at every chance?"

I clicked you are being unreasonable, because I don't think you should have told her! It's your personal intimate life! How would you feel if DH was discussing with his friends? I'm sure you wouldn't like it.

So you'd be happy with your DH to discuss every aspect of your sex life or lack of it with his friends and has OP has done with her friend blame you for it all to the point that they said "give him sex or he'll leave you?"