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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby and Stag Do

181 replies

RoundFaceNut · 24/05/2025 08:39

DH has just told me he’d rather go on the stag do to Ibiza than on holiday with me and the kids. We can’t afford both.

He is normally great and has never put friends before his family. Not sure if this is why this has thrown me. It’s the fact he’s said he’d rather go with them than us.

Would you be pissed or let this go. He is part of the wedding party.

OP posts:
Laurmolonlabe · 25/05/2025 23:30

Incredibly selfish-tell him if you and the kids can't go on holiday neither can he- he's a married with kids, end of story.

RunningJo · 25/05/2025 23:30

Incredibly selfish thing for him to say. Maybe he would like a break alone with his mates, I’m sure you’d probably enjoy a weekend away with yours too, but not at the expense of a family holiday. What he said was a pretty shit thing to say.
I’d be saying a very swift “absolutely fuck no”in reply to him going if it means you and your DC miss out, unless he can come up with the funds.

And as for him being a great Dad, sorry OP but any man who puts a stag do before his wife and child is not a great Dad or partner.

OneSunnyGoldDreamer · 25/05/2025 23:34

We were in the same boat as a groomsman but was to Las Vegas (!?!?) and would have cost us a lot and annual holidays down the drain. DH said no before even asking or telling me. Priorities should be his family not the stag.

JHound · 25/05/2025 23:34

I get your husband’s point of view. He is part of the wedding party and a stag do is a one off kind of event.

Holidays with you and the kids can happen any and everytime.

I would balance and do something small and local with family this year (something cheaper) then he goes to the stag do as well.

JHound · 25/05/2025 23:36

TimeForABreak4 · 24/05/2025 08:46

Id be pretty annoyed but I don't think he would ever even contemplate this.

What age is he? My DH is just turned 40 and having been to Ibiza twice for a party holiday together and him having been to Stags there, when younger. I think we are too old for partying in Ibiza now .

It would also depend who's Stag it is, I suppose. I don't think id be impressed with DH going to party in Ibiza now full stop as I know what goes on and he'd feel similar about me.

i went to Ibiza for my friend’s 40th and had a great time. Most people who I know that go to Ibiza are much older.

There is no age limit on enjoying Ibiza!

JHound · 25/05/2025 23:39

Ok the first family holiday in 3 years and having to sacrifice that for a stag do, that I would not be so ok with. I would try to find a compromise though.

JHound · 25/05/2025 23:41

Gandalf112 · 24/05/2025 18:14

What's stopping the OP picking up a few extra shifts? If I was a member of wma wedding party I'd going on the hen/stag 100%

Why would she pick up overtime (assuming she does not have other responsibilities that prevent that) to pay for his extra trip?

JHound · 25/05/2025 23:42

Gandalf112 · 24/05/2025 18:25

Who looks after the kids when OP works?

Events like this don't come around often and it's important to be there for friends imo.

Show quote history

Possibly childcare but most providers close at a certain time. So likely not an option.

But still it’s HIS extra trip so he should be finding a way to fund that. Not to deplete the joint savings set aside specifically for a family holiday.

JHound · 25/05/2025 23:45

Ratisshortforratthew · 24/05/2025 19:50

Sometimes friends should come before family. This is one of those times. If he had a track record of never prioritising you and the kids I’d think differently but as a one-off it shouldn’t be a problem. This is why I’d never have joint money though outside of contributions to bills/mortgage/rent etc. I wouldn’t want someone feeling I was taking “their” share to spend on myself, nor would I want to have to consider the other person every time I spent money on something that only benefited me.

So the family should be deprived of their first family in 3 years for a stag do?!

Agapornis · 25/05/2025 23:59

I hope the share you've taken is 75% - 25% each for you and the two children. Or at least 66% if you earn twice what he does!

Codlingmoths · 26/05/2025 00:31

JHound · 25/05/2025 23:34

I get your husband’s point of view. He is part of the wedding party and a stag do is a one off kind of event.

Holidays with you and the kids can happen any and everytime.

I would balance and do something small and local with family this year (something cheaper) then he goes to the stag do as well.

How can they happen any and every time when the kids grow older every year and they havent been able to afford it for 3 years? He spends that and who knows when they will next be able to afford one, he will probably go off the rails and into debt again shortly anyway so maybe never. I don’t think I believe you have kids with that attitude. Imagine looking at your 2yo and thinking it would be wonderful to take you on an overseas holiday and now they are 5 and you were about to and your partner is like who cares maybe we will be able to afford it again when they are 8 STAG DO BABY. Bleughhhh.

JHound · 26/05/2025 00:36

Codlingmoths · 26/05/2025 00:31

How can they happen any and every time when the kids grow older every year and they havent been able to afford it for 3 years? He spends that and who knows when they will next be able to afford one, he will probably go off the rails and into debt again shortly anyway so maybe never. I don’t think I believe you have kids with that attitude. Imagine looking at your 2yo and thinking it would be wonderful to take you on an overseas holiday and now they are 5 and you were about to and your partner is like who cares maybe we will be able to afford it again when they are 8 STAG DO BABY. Bleughhhh.

Show quote history

I made an updated post.

Lovehascomeandgone · 26/05/2025 11:18

I think this tells you what his priority is and it’s not you and the kids.

LellyLov · 26/05/2025 17:32

I think use have got the rest of your lives to do stuff with each other and the children let him has some fun with his old friends instead of missing out and then resenting you for it. My DH had the kids last year while I went on a hen weekend and I honestly praised him when I got home. I know a lot of comments are saying he is being a dick but I think it’s rather cruel to say that because he wants to enjoy some time with his buddy’s especially if he’s in the wedding party aswell

Original poster
RoundFaceNut · 26/05/2025 21:00

Update…

Sorry for taking so long to reply and thank you to everyone for your great advice.

I told DH that he really hurt my feelings and he absolutely would not be taking OUR money to pay. DH looked totally mortified and apologised profusely saying he didn’t mean it. I obviously called BS on this and he said he had only said it as he thought it was the right thing to do, as I am always telling him he doesn’t go out enough. This is actually true. In a previous post when I said he doesn’t see the groom regularly it is because he doesn’t go out and that’s why it shocked me. He prefers spending time with the kids.

All in all, I got an apology, I’m getting my holiday and he bought me a new pair of pyjamas for upsetting me. 💐

Thank you everyone for all your great advice.

OP posts:
Flashahah · 26/05/2025 21:02

Fabulous update OP.

Enjoy your holiday.

BakelikeBertha · 26/05/2025 21:34

That's great news OP! Thanks for coming back to let us know. Have a great holiday!

jjpollypocket · 26/05/2025 21:45

Nope absolutely not. You and the kids miss out so he can go on a massive piss up? It’s a no from me!

sorry just read your latest comment. Enjoy your holiday!

Paddington42 · 27/05/2025 06:41

oh my god that is so cute, what a wonderful husband you have. So pleased for you!

JohnMajorsChicken · 27/05/2025 07:20

Great update! Glad you could tell him how you were feeling, enjoy the holidays ⛱️ 🌞

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/05/2025 08:19

no way would I lose my holiday esp if hasn’t been on one for 3yrs

so that dh could have his week of fun for a stag

but I would try and do a compromise - he doesn’t need to be away for a week so try and work out cost for 1/2 nights so he could join friends

I see that you’ve chatted and he’s brought you pjs and you are going on holiday

so what’s the update on the stag. Is he going

if you earn double him I totally get why pissed off and annoyed if he’s plan on to use joint money and you get nothing

T1Dmama · 28/05/2025 13:11

He’s a selfish prick!
different if you could still afford to holiday without him with the kids, but the fact he’s putting a holiday for himself ahead of his children getting a holiday is horrible!!

Tell him to book a family holiday to Ibiza for the same time of the stag do…. He can then piss off and do his thing and you and the kids still get a holiday!

T1Dmama · 28/05/2025 13:17

RoundFaceNut · 26/05/2025 21:00

Update…

Sorry for taking so long to reply and thank you to everyone for your great advice.

I told DH that he really hurt my feelings and he absolutely would not be taking OUR money to pay. DH looked totally mortified and apologised profusely saying he didn’t mean it. I obviously called BS on this and he said he had only said it as he thought it was the right thing to do, as I am always telling him he doesn’t go out enough. This is actually true. In a previous post when I said he doesn’t see the groom regularly it is because he doesn’t go out and that’s why it shocked me. He prefers spending time with the kids.

All in all, I got an apology, I’m getting my holiday and he bought me a new pair of pyjamas for upsetting me. 💐

Thank you everyone for all your great advice.

So is he still going on the stag holiday too?

FumbDucker · 28/05/2025 13:20

OP it’s refreshing to hear a healthy marriage, you had a disagreement, he understood your POV and made things right! Ignore all the LTB comments you’ll still get even following the update.

We can all be pricks sometimes!

outerspacepotato · 28/05/2025 13:26

"DH looked totally mortified and apologised profusely saying he didn’t mean it. I obviously called BS on this and he said he had only said it as he thought it was the right thing to do, as I am always telling him he doesn’t go out enough."

When you called him out on his bullshit he response was disingenuous. Telling someone to go out a bit doesn't mean take the family money to go to a stag do in another country and deprive his family of any vacation for years.

I'd still pull that money if I were you, OP.

Is he still going?