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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby and Stag Do

181 replies

RoundFaceNut · 24/05/2025 08:39

DH has just told me he’d rather go on the stag do to Ibiza than on holiday with me and the kids. We can’t afford both.

He is normally great and has never put friends before his family. Not sure if this is why this has thrown me. It’s the fact he’s said he’d rather go with them than us.

Would you be pissed or let this go. He is part of the wedding party.

OP posts:
Original poster
RoundFaceNut · 24/05/2025 20:53

I told you all I’d update you, I’m not angry as such anymore because now I’m upset. 😢 Like I said I don’t have any problems with him going it’s the fact he’s not given me or the children a second thought, wants us to sacrifice our holiday and wants to use shared funds. We’ve recently renovated the house which is why we have not been away. Hubby is great with kids, does bedtimes, plays with kids, cooks and cleans plus more. We share alternate each night. That’s why this selfish behaviour seems so random. I would never have kicked up a fuss about him going - we all deserve a rest. It’s how he’s gone about it. To everyone asking about him picking up extra shifts, this is what I thought he’d do. Not just take our money. I can’t pick up extra shifts, I’m salaried and earn double what DH earns.

OP posts:
Paddington42 · 24/05/2025 21:02

It’s sounds like you felt secure before and this has unsettled you. Most people would be hurt if their partner said given the choice they’d rather go on holiday (stag do) with their mates rather than them. It sounds like he’s usually great which is brilliant but I really do think you need to talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel. I understand he wants to have a fun time with his friends but once you have a partner and family, the decent thing is that they are priority. Bless you and your lovely children 💛

Original poster
RoundFaceNut · 24/05/2025 21:04

Paddington42 · 24/05/2025 21:02

It’s sounds like you felt secure before and this has unsettled you. Most people would be hurt if their partner said given the choice they’d rather go on holiday (stag do) with their mates rather than them. It sounds like he’s usually great which is brilliant but I really do think you need to talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel. I understand he wants to have a fun time with his friends but once you have a partner and family, the decent thing is that they are priority. Bless you and your lovely children 💛

You have been so kind, thank you. I will talk to him. Just struggling to find the words at the moment because I’m hurt. Thank you for your kindness.

OP posts:
GoodCharl · 24/05/2025 21:50

So have you spoken to him op? What did he say about taking the funds and you and kids not getting a holiday?

SamDeanCas · 24/05/2025 22:11

I wish people would stop saying he’s great because he does his fair share of child rearing, housework etc. He’s not great, he’s just doing what any good parent does. Do you think that the OP is great because she looks after her house and kids?

As for the holiday, I’m not surprised you’re upset. In your shoes I’d take half the holiday money and he can do extra shifts for his stag weekend and you can have some days out, or maybe a shorter/cheaper holiday with your dc. As for what you do going forward, I’d have a good think about the relationship as, in this case at least, he’s being eyewateringly selfish

HollyIvie · 24/05/2025 23:21

This does make you feel like second best to his mates which understandably hurts.
write down what you are feeling and then talk to him Calmly so you make sure you say everything you want to.
surely, if he is reasonable at all, he must be able to see that using your money to go towards his holiday only is really unfair and impacts not just you but his children. If he is determined to go on this stag do you must make it clear your share of the money will not be used for his purpose and will be used towards giving your children a much needed holiday.

pikkumyy77 · 25/05/2025 02:11

If you earn twice what he does my guess is that his insistence on taking the family money for the all male treat is a form of redress to a perceived imbalance of power. He wants to look manly in front of his friends and can’t bear to admit he doesn’t have enough money to fund the stag trip or has to ask you to pay for it (which he would since you are the high earner.)

I think what Im saying is that his decision was not rational or family oriented in the first place so any conversations you have with him will quickly degenerate into ugly and incoherent excuses and whining. He wants to have enough manly money to party without compromising eith the needs of the wife and kids. That want can’t coexist with reality which is that you out earn him.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 25/05/2025 08:04

@RoundFaceNut why dont you take half the joint savings or all of whatever part is yours and just leave his share and see how he manages? while he is away you take the kids and go off for a few days to a holiday site and spend your half of the money! he might be financially short on his stag do but so be it. he doesnt get to spend your hard earned on his holiday and forget about everyone else in the family!! remove the money this morning to your personal account, before he has a chance to take it!

OhCobblers · 25/05/2025 08:33

SamDeanCas · 24/05/2025 22:11

I wish people would stop saying he’s great because he does his fair share of child rearing, housework etc. He’s not great, he’s just doing what any good parent does. Do you think that the OP is great because she looks after her house and kids?

As for the holiday, I’m not surprised you’re upset. In your shoes I’d take half the holiday money and he can do extra shifts for his stag weekend and you can have some days out, or maybe a shorter/cheaper holiday with your dc. As for what you do going forward, I’d have a good think about the relationship as, in this case at least, he’s being eyewateringly selfish

Exactly this too.
i keep coming bank to your thread OP as I’m outraged for you. Everything your husband does re child rearing etc is normal and to be expected - well it is in my world and I would not settle for less.

For him to think he’s justified in taking your savings and spending it on the Stag weekend is just appalling. (Please do add others have suggested and take your 1/2 out before any “conversation”).

I’ve been thinking about my “girls” trips in the past few years and I can assure you that I’ve worked as many extra hours as possible as well as selling a few bits on eBay.

My priority was always that our summer holiday as a family was not affected - my children are much older but I don’t feel that makes a difference - I still want to have that time with them.

EveningSpread · 25/05/2025 12:55

I’d be equally shocked if my DP said this OP, because it would be totally out of character. I’d certainly have no issue discussing it with him, and telling him how confused and upset I was. (We’re in a similar position in that I’m salaried, earn a lot more, and we have joint travelling funds. My DP is very frugal though and dreads being invited to stag dos, and is glad they’re mostly over now.)

Whose stag do is it? I think that’s pretty important. And how many has he been on before? Were they expensive? Have you asked him how he’d feel if you’d suggested what he’d suggested?

NPET · 25/05/2025 13:09

I'd be very p'd off!
Stag nights are the lowest of the low - just by existing they are treating us as irrelevant. And I know from experience (yes, really!) that the treatment of women at them isn't just misogynistic (as you'd expect!), it's criminal and should be banned.
Having said that, yes I know it gives women work as "hostesses" and strippers (etc), but that isn't a valid reason for treating us as they do.

Paddington42 · 25/05/2025 16:09

In reply to NPET. I would cancel my wedding if my fiancé entered a strip club. It’s having a sexual experience being aroused in a room with another woman. It’s clearly cheating and distressing to anyone’s partner. I don’t know what goes on in these places but I’m assuming they can touch the clients with their bodies? They should be banned from advertising them for stag parties as it’s actively encouraging cheating. Luckily enough my husband thinks the same.

NPET · 25/05/2025 17:33

Paddington42 · 25/05/2025 16:09

In reply to NPET. I would cancel my wedding if my fiancé entered a strip club. It’s having a sexual experience being aroused in a room with another woman. It’s clearly cheating and distressing to anyone’s partner. I don’t know what goes on in these places but I’m assuming they can touch the clients with their bodies? They should be banned from advertising them for stag parties as it’s actively encouraging cheating. Luckily enough my husband thinks the same.

When you said "in reply to NPET", I feared the worst. But we seem to be in agreement about how degrading stag nights are to women. Having attended (part of) one as a hotel kitchen worker, I can honestly say that I was appalled (and I can only wonder whether things got worse when I left). It's not simply the presence of the strippers or the misogynistic rantings from those running it, it's the EXPECTATION the strippers have (and have been told by their bosses - most of whom are male) that they can earn as much as possible by "giving in" to what the men want.
One (at a different stag do) told me that she felt that she was being told to accept rape if the man paid her over the odds for it!

Everintroverte · 25/05/2025 18:07

I would be livid and would be taking my money out of the savings account to take the children away on a much needed holiday. Assume he wants you to keep putting in and paying for holiday next year without complaint.

Family money should not be funding stag do's! If he wants to go he can work for it and pay for it himself. I can completely understand how disappointed you must be feeling, he's actively taking something away from his wife and kids which is hugely selfish.

Weald56 · 25/05/2025 18:10

Does he have anything worth a grand or two you can sell whilst he's away? (Golf clubs? Electric Bicycle? Gym equipment?etc). If so I'd flog that whilst he's away and tell him you've solved the problem and you & the children will be having your holiday too!

Missj25 · 25/05/2025 18:12

RoundFaceNut · 24/05/2025 09:01

I feel so much better already, knowing I’m not just being a crank! Thanks MN. ❤️

How would he be OP if you wanted to cancel family holiday so you could go to a hen in Ibiza with your close uni friends ?
Would this be somewhat like his reaction ? see below
🤣 🤣 🤣..
You are not being a crank ! X

WWomble · 25/05/2025 18:32

Fine to go on a stag do. Not acceptable to use family money and then expect the rest of you to go without.

CautiousLurker01 · 25/05/2025 18:47

So, if he’s offered to do overtime etc to maybe raise the money for the family holiday…. Why can’t he do the overtime/extra hours to pay for the stag in stead? That way your family/jointly funded holiday is not at risk and he sorts the money for the stag?

Theyreeatingthedogs · 25/05/2025 19:05

I hate these stag/hen dos that are done abroad. I think it's indulgent, performative and tacky. What is wrong with the traditional night out in your hometown?

YRGAM · 25/05/2025 19:16

I think it would be annoying but OK as a one off if it were his brother or a very close friend. Uni mate? Nope, that's not on

Silentwitless · 25/05/2025 20:44

RoundFaceNut · 24/05/2025 13:00

Kids are 2 and 4. I’ve not said anything yet because I’m so bloody angry I don’t think I’d get my point across. I will be taking my share out the joint fund - good idea. When I calm down I’ll have a discussion with all your advice and update you all! Thanks again.

Needs to be his share of the kids as well, not just 50/50.

carchi · 25/05/2025 22:06

RoundFaceNut · 24/05/2025 08:55

Yes that would mean no holiday for me and the kids. I didn’t realise it was going to be abroad. When he told me it was I thought “we will have to do some cut backs and maybe DH can pick some over time up then we’d be able to afford both.” He is part of the wedding party, think close uni friends that had families and don’t see each other regularly at all. Live close too. (To answer question about age, late 30s)

His logic was to sacrifice the family holiday and I currently think he’s a prick! 😂

So no holiday for you and the children because he wants to spend the available funds on a holiday just for himself. Sorry but I can't believe how a husband and father could be that selfish.

CiaoMeow · 25/05/2025 22:12

I'd be very hurt and reconsidering our relationship.
I'd also be wondering what it is in Ibiza that's so much more enticing than me.

CelestialGazer · 25/05/2025 22:39

Helpmeplease2025 · 24/05/2025 08:56

As a one-off I would think this was fine

But is it a one-off? What happens when the next uni friend gets married, and the next one…,

Brokeandold · 25/05/2025 23:12

Nope-family holiday comes first, dont care who’s getting married, very selfish behaviour.