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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby and Stag Do

181 replies

RoundFaceNut · 24/05/2025 08:39

DH has just told me he’d rather go on the stag do to Ibiza than on holiday with me and the kids. We can’t afford both.

He is normally great and has never put friends before his family. Not sure if this is why this has thrown me. It’s the fact he’s said he’d rather go with them than us.

Would you be pissed or let this go. He is part of the wedding party.

OP posts:
Overthebow · 24/05/2025 09:11

RoundFaceNut · 24/05/2025 09:07

To answer a few more questions next year would be our first holiday in three years. We’ve not been able to afford one but have been planning to go next year.

It would be joint funds paying for it.

This makes it even more u reasonable of him to expect to go on the stag. You haven’t had a holiday for 3 years, it would be very selfish of him to take the holiday money for himself.

Rainbowqueeen · 24/05/2025 09:12

With your updates he’s being a total dick.

OhCobblers · 24/05/2025 09:14

Fuck that. What a selfish tosser.

JohnMajorsChicken · 24/05/2025 09:15

Joint funds should not be paying for him to go on a stag to Ibiza - he can fund that himself. Joint funds are for family holidays.

Cherrysoup · 24/05/2025 09:16

You haven’t had a family holiday for 3 years and he’s wanting to do this instead?! Just no.

TheatreTraveller · 24/05/2025 09:19

Absolutely disgraceful.
Me and DH would ALWAYS choose family and the kids over anything else.

Cerialkiller · 24/05/2025 09:19

I wouldn't have a problem with him going. I WOULD have a problem with him 'taking' a holiday from me and his children as a result. How fucking selfish.

If he came to me with a plan of how he could pay for it all and we spent that time maybe booking the family holiday so it doesn't fade out of existance. I wouldn't mind compromising on our holiday, getting a slightly cheaper/shorter one as long as we actually got one.

Incidentally I just asked my husband (mid 40s) what he thought of a stag do in Ibiza and he recoiled in horror, thought for a long moment then said 'why on earth would I want to go there, I'm married with two kids!? He went in his uni days and has certain ideas about what goes on.

trousersearch · 24/05/2025 09:21

Based on your updates I think this is very unreasonable of your husband.

you say he’s in the wedding party, is he a groomsman or best man?

for me it would depend on various things;
-what the overall cost of the stag was. (Ibiza can be very expensive. My husband recently said no to a stag do in Ibiza where they individually spent £2k)
-how many stag dos has he been on, and how many is he likely to go on?
-is this the first wedding on his friend group?
-his attitude to going. Does he realise it would be a big deal for you not to have a holiday and therefore he’s asking whether you would consider it? Or has he just told you this is what’s happening?

SwanOfThoseThings · 24/05/2025 09:22

OhCobblers · 24/05/2025 09:14

Fuck that. What a selfish tosser.

This.

UnbelievableLie · 24/05/2025 09:25

BTW, how expensive is this stag?! Surely you can pick up a cheap flight for under £100 and split a cheap hotel room with a mate for a couple of nights? So he could get some overtime and cover that himself?

Inertia · 24/05/2025 09:27

Not OK for him to sacrifice a family holiday for this. It’s not just about what he’d rather do- when you have a family you work as a team.

GoodCharl · 24/05/2025 09:29

It would be a no from me. Sorry thats just damn right selfish. Not only do you guys not get a holiday, you also get to single parent for a week whilst hes off living it up. Fuck that

Penthrowingsurvivor · 24/05/2025 09:30

Wanting a holiday with friends for a change, why not.

Sacrificing YOUR holiday because of it, absolutely not.

I would strongly put my foot down and says that the joint money is for THE KIDS holiday, with one or 2 parents regardless. If he wants to do another one, he can work over-time or find the extra money elsewhere, not taking it from my kids.

HollyIvie · 24/05/2025 09:32

Are you contributing to the stag cost? That would definitely be unreasonable.
If you can afford both no probs, however if it's only one your family holiday should take priority.

Ansjovis · 24/05/2025 09:32

My jaw is on the floor. Stand your ground: you book the family holiday from your joint funds and he finds some way to finance the stag do or he doesn't go. Absolutely disgraceful that he wants to deny his children a holiday when they've not had one for three years!

ShaunaSadeki · 24/05/2025 09:33

Secretly, I would much rather go on holiday with my friends than with DH and the DC. But I would never admit that or sacrifice our family holiday to do so.

toomuchfaff · 24/05/2025 09:34

RoundFaceNut · 24/05/2025 09:07

To answer a few more questions next year would be our first holiday in three years. We’ve not been able to afford one but have been planning to go next year.

It would be joint funds paying for it.

So youre saying effectively that if he went on the stag, youve not had a holiday for 3 years, the stag replaces the holiday you were planning and youre paying for it too?

Wow... he might be part of the wedding party but thats a step too far.

Motomum23 · 24/05/2025 09:54

Absolutely no way in hell I would stay with a man who felt it was appropriate to take joint funds and say I'm going on holiday you and the kids will have to cope without one AGAIN.
I'd tell him you will accept him going on the stag when he a) self funds it and b) you and the kids have been on holiday (and not you alone so you don't actually get a break while he gets to go out on the lash with not particularly close friends)

ThejoyofNC · 24/05/2025 10:30

Absolutely not, that's unbelievably selfish.

Tell him he's more than welcome to go but the family holiday needs to be booked (and paid for jointly) first and he will have to find a way to afford it himself without his family missing out.

LottieMary · 24/05/2025 10:32

Given all the updates yanbu

I’d probably try help by facilitating the overtime he can get (but he should recognise you’re BOTH doing this!) but it’s not fair to miss your once in three years holiday. Stag dos abroad come with expectation not everyone can make it.

jeaux90 · 24/05/2025 10:45

He’s an asshole yes. But you know this

Original poster
RoundFaceNut · 24/05/2025 10:46

To answer a few questions…

I actually have no problem with him going. I’d fully expect him to go.

My issue is he is expecting to go on the stag in replacement for a family holiday from joint funds, a family holiday we’ve not had in three years. Whereas if he’d of said I’ll work overtime for a few weekends or I will see if family can lend us the money and pay it back or any other solution rather than, what feels like “Fuck you and the kids!”

OP posts:
Original poster
RoundFaceNut · 24/05/2025 10:48

We’ve been together 12 years and I have never ever seen this side of him. He’s brilliant with the kids, has done night feeds, does more than his fist share around house: cooks, cleans etc. This is why I’m so thrown by this.

OP posts:
Goditsmemargaret · 24/05/2025 11:00

No way.

We go on holidays multiple times a year and if my DH suggested we do the big family holiday without him so he could go on a stag the same week I'd be fine with that.

But in the circumstances you've described where you miss out and haven't been for three years and you'll be funding... FRO

IncandescentWave · 24/05/2025 11:03

YANBU. I disagree with posters saying just because he's married/almost 40 that it's not appropriate for him to go. The issue is the family holiday being sacrificed for it. And no way should joint funds be used to pay for it. Surely he's got time to save up for this? I've been on two abroad hen dos and on both occasions was given almost a year's notice. Paid for both out of my own income, would never expect DH to finance it. Likewise, until last year I was still going on an annual holiday with friends without DH (I'll have a newborn this summer so I'll be sitting this year's out). Always paid out of my own income, and it's never been at the expense of having a family holiday. He either needs to find a way to pay for himself and ensure you still get a family break, or he can't go. People need to live within their means.