She died and no one said thank you 🥲

[Summervibes12]

My husbands aunt religiously has sent our children Christmas and birthday presents for the last 19 years. I am an absolute stickler for the children having to contact relatives to thank them.

My daughter’s birthday was 8 weeks ago and my husband’s aunt sent gift as normal. My daughter told me she is the only person she needs to thank as she wanted her Dad to make the call, and she would go on the phone and say thank you and husband would continue the conversation. Elderly lady, bad hearing and no mobile phone.

I reminded them numerous times to do this. She has a terminal illness and I was always reminding him to keep in touch. We don’t live in the same country.

At 4pm he told me his mother had rang to say Aunt was very unwell. I asked him had he rang her post our daughters birthday and he said no. I said that I thought that was really poor form and he was really cross at me. Said it was not the time to bring that up. She had a terminal illness and could make the effort to organise a present for our child and he couldn’t be arsed to thank her.

Over our 23 year marriage I have stepped in the past and rang for him but this just annoys him. So I stopped doing it.

She died tonight. I am just so annoyed at my husband. He thinks I am being unreasonable for bringing this up.

I get he is upset as he really loved her but men have to step up and show it.

YABU - I should have said nothing,
YANBU - I was right to call him out

I wouldn’t bring it up if he’s struggling with his grief, it’s trivial now. Maybe it’s something to talk about next time he’s given a gift. But now is not the time.

My dad and his family are rubbish at thanking each other. They just don’t keep in touch enough and my dad is a bit shy/ I’m sure he’s on the spectrum like me although I’m a bit more social.

she would’ve known he loved her and was grateful.

Let him get past the funeral, and then talk. Essentially it’s up to him though. Maybe if it happens again with someone elderly you could write a little Thankyou card to them on his behalf. That may shame him into thanking people himself

It’s a small thing and not the right time at all.

So his aunt just died and you are trying to guilt him about not ringing her just before she died?

You don't think he might be feeling that guilt himself? And maybe needed support not a further guilt trip?

How old is you daughter? I dont understand why she couldn't phone unless 8 or under.

Either way it's crap for the aunt and crap for your DH who presumably feels awful now.

It’s a daft thing to be worrying about in the grand scheme of things, and slightly cruel to be guilt-tripping him now when there is nothing he can do about it!

Sounds like you wanted to make him feel guilty and it worked.

If it was thati mportant to you then you should have called her. The present was for your daughter after all. Its pretty irrelevant who's relative it came from

If 8 weeks have passed I wouldn't consider it a sincere thanks in any case

Oof, I can't imagine being spiteful enough to rub salt into the wound of my worst enemy while they're grieving a loved one, imagine doing it to your husband. How nasty.

Big picture: is he a bit shit for not ringing her? Yes. Is the day of her death an appropriate time to harp on him for that? Absolutely the fuck not.

A relative just died and you're going out of your way to to try to make him feel worse? You are unbelievably in the wrong here! Do you even like your husband? I cant imagine being this cruel to someone.

Sorry for your families loss ❤️

Unless you and your DD's father are separated/divorced or there is a language barrier, why didn't you phone the aunt and put your daughter on the phone to thank her? Why can only her dad do this?

What was/wasn't done is too late now and 2mths later is too late already- even if she was alive!

I really appreciate other perspectives on this. This has been an issue our whole marriage, It is every Christmas, every birthday, that I have had to nag for him to ring this aunt. Kids will send a message to other relatives who have mobiles. This gift was to a 17 year old, she really struggles on phone with my husbands aunt due to our strong accent, their strong accent and the fact that she is hard of hearing. Husband as he is from there could make her out well.

You’ll just have to leave him to it, they’re his family. Maybe your 17 year old can write her a really nice thankyou letter/note?

I know she can’t do it for the aunt now, but in future to family members who she doesn’t understand very well. Leave your husband to thank or not thank for his own gifts, and anything sent to you jointly as a family you can reach out yourself.

What on earth is the matter with you? That was a completely inappropriate response to your husband telling you his aunt was dying and he just got off the phone with his mother, the dying person's sister. Doubling down on it is beyond awful.

Rather than support your husband in his pain you deliberately tried to make him feel worse.

I tried that and he would get really cross at me doing that in the past. Said oh I was going to do that today.
I do my family and he does his. If she had a mobile my daughter would have messaged herself.

Her body's not even cold and you're trying to pick an argument?

An argument over something your 17 year old should've done?

Poor hearing is no excuse.

The woman wouldn't have been able to hear your DH any clearer.

Well look at it this way op: you did make the effort and so she was mostly thanked. Years of her feeling appreciated.

If her health was failing I doubt it was uppermost in her mind these past weeks given she had no reason to think you all ungrateful generally speaking.

Just focus on your relief it normally happened and don’t give shame and “ told you so” energy to your family at this time.

Don't think it would achieve much now, tbh.

So basically a relative of his died and you made it about you, i don't know how to dress this up in a bow it is what it is

Yeah I should’ve worded that differently I’m sorry. I meant for the future x

I don’t think YABU. One of the problems with society these days is they take people for granted and life really is too short!

She has been terminal for a long time, I was shocked she was even capable of sending a present 8 weeks ago and to know she was so unwell and not message just really annoyed me. I have repeatedly asked him had he phoned.

I think people just think it’s not the time to be saying it to him when he’s in the first stages of grief.

You are still failing to acknowledge that you picked completely the wrong time...

YABU , if you want to be cross at anyone it should be your daughter , if she struggles with accents etc she could have sent a thank you letter , utterly ridiculous that a 17 yr old is reliant on her dad to thank someone for a birthday gift . Why does your 17 yo not have a mobile ? Aside from that it’s deeply inappropriate to bring it up after the woman has died , what will it achieve other than cause bad feeling or an argument .

You have taken ownership of something that is not yours to take ownership of - his relationship with his aunt. Whether he calls or not is all on him.

I used to do this with my DH. Call your parents, it's been ages since you spoke to them. Mistake. It's his responsibility and I'm not social secretary. He's responsible for his relationship, or lack of, with them. Same for your DH and his aunt.