She died and no one said thank you 🥲

[Summervibes12]

My husbands aunt religiously has sent our children Christmas and birthday presents for the last 19 years. I am an absolute stickler for the children having to contact relatives to thank them.

My daughter’s birthday was 8 weeks ago and my husband’s aunt sent gift as normal. My daughter told me she is the only person she needs to thank as she wanted her Dad to make the call, and she would go on the phone and say thank you and husband would continue the conversation. Elderly lady, bad hearing and no mobile phone.

I reminded them numerous times to do this. She has a terminal illness and I was always reminding him to keep in touch. We don’t live in the same country.

At 4pm he told me his mother had rang to say Aunt was very unwell. I asked him had he rang her post our daughters birthday and he said no. I said that I thought that was really poor form and he was really cross at me. Said it was not the time to bring that up. She had a terminal illness and could make the effort to organise a present for our child and he couldn’t be arsed to thank her.

Over our 23 year marriage I have stepped in the past and rang for him but this just annoys him. So I stopped doing it.

She died tonight. I am just so annoyed at my husband. He thinks I am being unreasonable for bringing this up.

I get he is upset as he really loved her but men have to step up and show it.

YABU - I should have said nothing,
YANBU - I was right to call him out

It’s your issue op not his. Maybe you were brought up to do this and he was not. Hence it’s so important to you and not to him or he would have done it. At 17 your daughter is old enough to find an alternative option with her parents support. It sounds like you are trying to parent your husband. He is grieving and probably feels bad enough. I’m presuming there’s more to this than just the thank you and his expectations being different to your own and your annoyance in general.

YABVU

I do actually agree with what you’re saying. There’s no reason he couldn’t have made a 10min phone call in the past few weeks.

But I think it’s awful you thought it was a good idea to bring it up on the day she was dying/died.

Its actually one of the worst things I’ve ever heard.

What exactly was you hoping to achieve by making him feel so guilty?

Edit: just realised your DD is 17! So you’re being even more U.
Shes old enough to have done it herself, regardless of aunts accent and her not saying thank you is nothing to do with DH.

DH should have rang to say hello every now and then.
But he should not have phoned for DD to say thank you, that’s on her (obviously don’t tell her that).
And you should not have said anything to DH on the day the aunt was very unwell.

I feel really sorry for the DD now because not only have you made DH feel guilty, you’ve now made your DD feel guilty too and there’s nothing either can do to make up for it.

Not cool OP.

This has been an issue our whole marriage, It is every Christmas, every birthday, that I have had to nag for him to ring this aunt. Kids will send a message to other relatives who have mobiles.

Why didn't you just get her to do an email or a Thank you card?

I think you have to remember that saying thank you is something that is polite - but it was really important to you and I guess not him.

I also think that if your husband hadn't rung in 8 weeks then you could safely assume he wasn't going to. If it was that important then by that stage you certainly could have stepped in long before that point and done it yourself without being unreasonable - and if he didn't like it at that point then tough luck!

Can someone please tell me why it’s deemed to be the husband’s fault and not the daughter’s?
I have read the whole thread and still can’t comprehend it.

The timing is wrong. Talk about it another time , don't guilt trip him right after she's died.

Your daughter should have taken the responsibility to give thanks too. It would be a good idea to talk to her about it too. (At 17 she's more than old enough)

Your husband had just got off the phone with his grieving mum, who had just told him his aunt had died, and you chose that moment to guilt him about not ringing her before she died?

That's not handling something poorly, it's an absolutely awful thing to do.

Bit late now she's dead

Not the time to bring it up and your 17 should’ve done it herself.
For all your instilling it into them it hasn’t worked or she’d have picked the phone up

I assume the aunt went to the effort of posting the gift to your daughter if your daughter wasn't able to thank her in person at the time it was given? If so, I think your daughter could have been encouraged to send a Thank You card if she doesn't feel confident speaking on the phone. At 17 she's really old enough to be doing these things herself unprompted if she wants to

I don't imagine the aunt will have given the lack of thanks a great deal of thought. It sounds like the family dynamic is one where they don't call up just to say thanks right away and will just do it the next time they see or speak to each other. Sad that it won't happen in this case, but I don't think you husband deserves a hard time over it.

YABU your DH has just lost a close family member and you’re choosing to guilt trip him over something so trivial. I’d be so upset if my partner did anything but comfort me when I was grieving.

Then why couldn’t you pick up the phone? If you think your husband would say that’s overstepping… so what? You made a phone call to someone you get on well with, where’s the harm? He’s free to of also called her when he wanted but chose not to.
yabvu to bring this up with him now, his aunt has died he is grieving and your trying to make him feel guilty for not making a phone call

I can’t understand why posters are adamant that a man shouldn’t have to ring his aunt twice a year to say thank you for the presents she has sent to his family. Maybe dd has never met aunt and with hearing and other problems what more can be said than ‘thanks’ which would be bizarre. Maybe aunt wants to speak to her nephew that she’s had a relationship with for 35+ years. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for a competent adult to want to make two 15 minute calls a year to an elderly relative.

This.
At 17 years old your DD is old enough to write a thank you note herself - back in the day that is what many of us used to do.
The timing of your comment to DH was just wrong and he has to live with it.

Because she said her h got annoyed when she did that?

I’m with you OP. This kind of bad manners severely gets my back up

If you've always had to remind, then they will never change. But you can change so you don't get annoyed. Leave them to make their own mistakes in future, and if they stop receiving gifts as a result then so be it.
Try the "let them" theory by Mel Robbins.
Sorry about your DH's aunt.

Just to clarify. I said it when he found out she had been taken into hospital.
.
We found out later in the day she died.

Surely you don’t ring your in laws and thank them for a gift they’ve sent your DH.

That would be his responsibility.

If DD was young then it’s different but she’s old enough to do it herself.

He should have stayed in contact with his aunt more.

But he should not have phoned her, just so DD can say thank you as that’s her responsibility.

And OP absolutely should not be making him or DD feel guilty over this on the day the aunt died.

OP behaved awfully.
The rest is irrelevant.

You have the right sentiment, as in your DH should have facilitated a 'thank you' with an elderly relative.

Your timing is dreadful.

To keep wanging on about it when she is literally on her death bed /died is unhelpful and emotionally tone deaf. I am sure he is aware of what he should have done and feels awful about it. Stop lording it over him. He will be aware of his shortcomings whilst trying to process his grief.

That’s even worse.

What was you hoping to achieve by this?

You obviously have issues with DH and thought this would be the perfect way to hurt him.

It’s fucked up thinking on your behalf and you’re not even feeling sorry about it.

You’ve also made your DD feel guilty too (or will do when she finds out what you said).

Its awful behaviour on your part OP.

The pattern set up was dh rang aunt and put dd on to say thanks. If he wanted dd to ring herself he could have facilitated that and supported her to do it the first time if it was hard due to various barriers on both sides as it’s his aunt and he was usually making the phone call. If he loved his aunt so much he would’ve wanted to speak to her anyway I would’ve thought.

The annoyance stems from years of having to manage her husband's rude behaviour, on behalf of her children, who were the recipients of gifts. Since the husband got annoyed at OP, if she got too involved, it was the husband's responsibility and he shirked it!
It's all very well saying it's his family but we all know that failure to thank someone for a child's gift reflects poorly on both the parents, not just the one whose relative it is.
When it really mattered, the husband CBA to contact his terminally ill aunt and she died without having had her effort (at a time when she had so much of her own stuff going on) acknowledged. That's really poor and imo the husband absolutely deserves to feel like shit for it and not have the OP smooth it over to make him feel better!

It’s not really important now.
but yes you should say thank you.

Nah. I’m with you on this one. She had a terminal illness and still managed to send a gift to your child. Let it be a lesson for both your husband and child to not do it again, it would have taken them several minutes out of their day to say thank you. It’s spiteful!