She died and no one said thank you 🥲

[Summervibes12]

My husbands aunt religiously has sent our children Christmas and birthday presents for the last 19 years. I am an absolute stickler for the children having to contact relatives to thank them.

My daughter’s birthday was 8 weeks ago and my husband’s aunt sent gift as normal. My daughter told me she is the only person she needs to thank as she wanted her Dad to make the call, and she would go on the phone and say thank you and husband would continue the conversation. Elderly lady, bad hearing and no mobile phone.

I reminded them numerous times to do this. She has a terminal illness and I was always reminding him to keep in touch. We don’t live in the same country.

At 4pm he told me his mother had rang to say Aunt was very unwell. I asked him had he rang her post our daughters birthday and he said no. I said that I thought that was really poor form and he was really cross at me. Said it was not the time to bring that up. She had a terminal illness and could make the effort to organise a present for our child and he couldn’t be arsed to thank her.

Over our 23 year marriage I have stepped in the past and rang for him but this just annoys him. So I stopped doing it.

She died tonight. I am just so annoyed at my husband. He thinks I am being unreasonable for bringing this up.

I get he is upset as he really loved her but men have to step up and show it.

YABU - I should have said nothing,
YANBU - I was right to call him out

I agree with you actually op I think it’s shameful he couldn’t be bothered to ring her. Maybe he’ll be more considerate in future now? He obviously didn’t think she deserved the thankylu - he seems to think he’s entitled to receive gifts without thanking these relatives. It’s poor mannners and shows a great sense of entitlement imo.
I don’t think you should bang on about it through a time of grief, but equally I don’t see what’s wrong with pointing out he should’ve called and didn’t bother when he had the chance- maybe in future he will now. I also think at 17 your daughter is very much old enough to make her own thankyous. Sorry for your loss xxx

I’ve said you’re being unreasonable but I mean that YABU to bring this up now.
Ultimately, you’re not wrong though, he should’ve called her - he failed her, but the day she died isn’t the time to tell him what a shit human he’s been,

The woman has died ! Read the thread

This reminds me of the time I reminded DH it would be a lovely idea go to the hospital to visit an elderly neighbour of his parents he was close to when he lived there growing up.

She was delighted he’d visited and he realised it was a special moment to say hello and goodbye. I’m glad I stepped in and made it happen

So I very much feel your sadness @Summervibes12

Yikes - good point.

It might seem like a small thing but I have/had older relatives who this is a huge deal to. I understand why you are upset on her behalf.

I voted YABu. Because he’s right and this is not the time to bring it up.

you are right at about the contact and thanks but he’s probably feeling guilty enough without you adding to it.

I don't feel it's the right time to argue about this,he lost his aunt and you are adding to his grief by complaining about something he can't do.let it go and support each other.

At age 17 she could use snail mail if she couldn't use the phone Yabu OP and babying your daughter.

Wow! So he gets a call to say his aunt is really ill, and rather than be supportive you nag him he hasn’t done something, then he gets a call to say a relative has died and rather than be supportive you pick a fight.

I often find thank yous can be an aspect of performative parenting. Why couldn’t your 17 year old write a note?

If you’re keen on showing your children how to behave, picking fights with their grieving father really isn’t the way to do it.

just wow.

Whilst I don't think you should talk about it now, it is really shit of him not to have made a phone call anyway regardless of thanking her.

He knew she was ill, right? And still didn't call her. Not really how you behave when you love someone.

Hi OP

I’m very sorry for your and your husband’s loss. I really understand what you’re saying and how frustrating it is to repeatedly tell someone who knows their aunt is terminal.

she sounds like a lovely woman who was kind to your and your children and the fact she made the effort to still send a gift 8 weeks ago really says something.

I don’t know why people have taken so against what you said and did. I absolutely think you did the right thing. Your husband is a grown man who was aware of his aunt’s poor health, her ongoing kindness, and his general uselessness at thanking her. It’s really really poor form that he didn’t bother picking up the phone to say thank you in 8 weeks and the fact that he’s upset now isn’t really a reason to refrain from pointing this out.

in fact if anything, I think now is absolutely the time. It doesn’t sound like bringing this up later when he feels less sad would make the point to him in any case.

im very surprised that people say it’s cruel. What’s crueller I think were his actions. Pointing out that she is gone now and never had the chance to be thanked or that one last conversation because of his laziness when she was elderly but could still make the effort to send a gift is the right thing to do. It does make me sad as I think the whole thread of replies saying you’re in the wrong is why the world seems so much more shameless these days and less caring.

I don't think it's the time for anyone to be guilt-tripped but i think I would at some point be gently encouraging my daughter to take responsibility for sending thank you cards - or even thinking of you cards - to any other elderly relatives in future if a mobile message is not possible.

I’ve found that dh and I parent differently, I expect my children to either phone or write a letter to thank people for gifts, dh doesn’t think that’s important so I take charge of that, you thought that was more important than dh did so you should have taken charge.

as you’ve said, you handled it bad today, guilt tripping someone who is grieving is wrong.

You are in a pissy mood about this
and feverishly bitching on mumsnet about it
when a family member has just died

OP… I think you need to spend some time on reflecting on what kind of a person you are.

Unless there’s something else going on here put it behind you. Your dh and daughter can’t undo what’s gone on and going on about it is just aweful at this sad time.
Yes thank yous ideally should be said/sent same day gift arrives, so equipp your daughter with a packet of thank you cards for future.
But for heavens sake don’t mention the aunt issue again. Nice people don’t send gifts purely for the thank yous anyway, she probably knew you were all busy or whatever. It’s done now.
If there are any other elderly relatives with whom you are on similar terms call them or write to them and see how they’re doing.

Did you have zero relationship with this aunt? Literally nothing? YOU couldn’t have channeled the energy in to whinging at your DH with whom you clearly have a host of other unhappy issues with, in to actually just thanking the aunt. Not on behalf of your husband but from you, as the mother of the child she gifted.

pathetic Op and reflects terribly on… you

@Summervibes12 Is he stricken with grief? My DH is not one for grief: or writing cards and has to be reminded to thank people. His parents didn’t seem to insist on manners and he doesn’t have good manners. Only child and self absorbed. I see so many men like this and wives take over from them and do it for them. Endless procrastination leading to no action.

I bet he has shallow grief. If he really cared he would have phoned immediately with DD.

Completely agree. Unless op (because these posts are never about the thing that’s posted about) he’s generally inconsiderate and thoughtless and this is the final straw in which case deal with that not this incident.

This is the sort of thing that I would be annoyed about so I get it. However, this is not the right time to raise it. Your dh is already upset and reminding him he was thoughtless could be left for another day.

My own dh can be like this. I don't subscribe to the mumsnet mantra that he deals with his family and I do mine as we are married and they are all our family. My kids tend to thank in person and we videocall my parents who post gifts or send voice notes.

I don’t blame you at all for being frustrated now and it’s right that you and your daughter reminded him. It’s important to acknowledge a gift.

But you failed to recognise that there was no point whatsoever going on about it any more once she had died. You should have bottled up those feelings of regret instead of letting them out.
He left it too late. And that’s something they both have to live with. None of us is perfect.

For the future, it’s really nice to send thank you cards in the post. Easy to buy a pack of small blank cards (or make a batch from old birthday cards) and leave them out with a stamp ready on the envelope.

Oit it sounds like you have realised how unkind you have been, so I won't make a big deal our of it.

I just wanted to say, may be worth reflecting on if this is an isolated incident or a general pattern of behaviour for you?

Essentially, you have been enormously controlling about this issue of thanking others for gifts. The belief that this is important is by no means universal - I could not care less if relatives don't phone me to thank me for gifts, it's not why I give them.

Your husband, too, clearly disagreed with you on the importance of this. And you need to respect that, and understand that other people aren't you.

You think it's important - you do it to your own family. But it's not ok to coerce somebody else into living by your values.

If you do have a tendency to control, and act as if your opinions are moral law, it is possible to change with therapy.

Well I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. This lady was dying and still managed to send your DD a present. Not easy like going onto amazon and ordering, but purchasing, wrapping and posting. He should feel ashamed given he knew she was terminal. I wouldn’t go on about it, but you can certainly point it out. Who waits 7wks without thanking someone anyway? I always make sure relatives / friends are thanked on the day or the day after, as I find it incredibly rude not to thank people for buying my DC a gift. He will feel guilty, but he should given he waited 7wks when he knew his aunt was dying.

At 17, your dd could have written her a letter to thank her. You could have just told her to do this. Yanbu to be annoyed with him for not making time for his aunt. YABU to have expected him to do it this time if it were that important to you.