She died and no one said thank you 🥲

[Summervibes12]

My husbands aunt religiously has sent our children Christmas and birthday presents for the last 19 years. I am an absolute stickler for the children having to contact relatives to thank them.

My daughter’s birthday was 8 weeks ago and my husband’s aunt sent gift as normal. My daughter told me she is the only person she needs to thank as she wanted her Dad to make the call, and she would go on the phone and say thank you and husband would continue the conversation. Elderly lady, bad hearing and no mobile phone.

I reminded them numerous times to do this. She has a terminal illness and I was always reminding him to keep in touch. We don’t live in the same country.

At 4pm he told me his mother had rang to say Aunt was very unwell. I asked him had he rang her post our daughters birthday and he said no. I said that I thought that was really poor form and he was really cross at me. Said it was not the time to bring that up. She had a terminal illness and could make the effort to organise a present for our child and he couldn’t be arsed to thank her.

Over our 23 year marriage I have stepped in the past and rang for him but this just annoys him. So I stopped doing it.

She died tonight. I am just so annoyed at my husband. He thinks I am being unreasonable for bringing this up.

I get he is upset as he really loved her but men have to step up and show it.

YABU - I should have said nothing,
YANBU - I was right to call him out

Your daughter is 17, she should have taken responsibility herself to either send a thank you note or phone.

Little children say thank you on the phone then run off leaving the parent to carry on the conversation, not 17 year olds.

I have teens older and younger than yours and these are the crucial years where they learn how to adult, picking up the phone and thanking someone is such a basic thing to do, your husband is not at fault on this occasion.

So you wanted to ram the guilt for that down his throat while he’s grieving her loss ? Nice.

YABU this shouldn’t have been mentioned at all, do you not think he’s feeling bad enough himself. It isn’t the end of the world that they didn’t call. They didn’t do it and you can’t change it. Your DD was capable of phoning or writing herself.

I still have guilt from a similar situation in 1993 when I was a little older than your DD. I had passed my driving test. I lived away from home in a shared flat with only an incoming phone.
My Grandpa was living alone as my Grandma was in a home, he didn’t drive but took 3 buses to see his wife everyday and still managed to find a card to congratulate me on passing my test.
The card arrived just 2 days after I passed, I had planned to go to the phone box to call him and thank him but for some reason that day I did not manage and he died that night. The grief was hard because I hadn’t made that call, I kept beating myself up about it. I was going to offer to pick him up and drive him to my Grandma that weekend.

The replies on here are insane!

The established pattern was dh rang his aunt to say thanks as he speaks the same language as her. Maybe dd can’t speak that language so it’s hard for the elderly aunt to understand. Writing a note is pointless if aunt can’t read English or lives somewhere post isn’t reliable. It sounds like op and dd identified many opportunities where aunt could’ve been rang in the last 8 weeks but he couldn’t be arsed. Maybe dd should learn a new language so her dad never has to pick up the phone? Maybe the aunt should’ve spent her twilight years learning English? He was selfish and maybe he understands now there are things you can’t just keep putting off.

There is nothing that can be done now op, so it’s whether you can let it go or it’s very important to you and you can’t. Sorry for your loss

You've made your point. Leave it there now and get on and enjoy happy memories of her love and generosity. Pretty sure she wouldn't want her present to cause upset for you all.

YABU to feel that you can force your DH or 17 year old to do things your way. Rather than nag or guilt trip them, you could have sent the aunt a letter yourself maybe with family photos, and asked DD to write a few words on it. If she really doesn’t understand any English you could use a Translator app .

His aunt died and you made it about you. That’s not okay. Your poor DH

I was always a stickler for ‘thank yous’. I used to make mine write them. Although by 17, it would’ve been a text and I wouldn’t have to tell them to do it.

However, you’re making a massive thing out of this and it’s really not worth it. Not least because the aunt is dead. You need to let this one go.

This. Seems like a major over-reactiion. If the aunt was that ill, I'm sure she wasn't sitting around waiting for the phone to ring.

I think you are getting a hard time on here op.
This is a terminally ill aunt that your husband hasn’t bothered to ring in 8 weeks, so it doesn’t appear that he has a super close relationship with her and will be wallowing in grief.
Sounds like another lazy man who can’t be bothered.

@IlovegermanyThe op is unkind? Why is it wrong for the op to expect good manners?

I started a MN thread because my elderly DM was not thanked by some grandchildren for presents. The advice was she should stop giving presents. This is difficult for elderly people. Yet it’s very bad manners to not receive a call or a card expressing thanks. It is not good enough. This DH has no manners and probably no grief. He didn’t care enough to speak to the aunt and took her for granted. Shame on him - and yes it does need pointing out. Grief my arse. Probably got a legacy coming where no thanks needed. As DMs grandchildren,

I doubt that she noticed at the end, death brings immense guilt too, my neighbour relapsed. I kept reminding myself to drop a card and flowers in.
I have known her since I was a child. I felt so guilty for not getting around to doing anything before she died.

OP I hear you and totally understand why you are annoyed, I am sorry for your loss.
Being an Aunty who makes an effort and never gets a thank you I know how upsetting this can be from your late Aunt's perspective.
However I also have a partner who is rubbish at saying thank you, I think it is due to embarrassment and not knowing what to say, especially to a relative who is terminally ill.
Is it sad your husband didn't make the call, of course it is.
Would I have stepped in and made the call, possibly.
Is it worth making an issue of now, no.
As the deceased Aunty would I want you or your husband to be upset and angry about the situation, absolutely not.
It is sad, there is nothing you can do about it, make a donation to a charity in memory of your Aunt and beautiful kind to each other.

It’s the wrong time for you to be moaning at him. I’m sure he feels guilty anyway.

why couldn’t you or your daughter have just called yourselves though?

I dont understand. How would your husband have contacted her? Surly if she does not have a mobile phone she has a normal phone? You dd could have just dialed the normal phone number to call and thank her. I knew how to dial numbers to call people from age 5 or 6 when I was a child. I used to call my grandma nightly for a while when I was a child. Your dh should have called of course, but now is not the time to put blame. Your dd is more then capable to pick up her mobile and dial a landline number.

You’re all just dealing with it, I don’t know if it was ok for you to attribute blame to him on something he can’t change now, fair enough he should have listened to you then but bringing it up now when he can’t is just adding guilt to him. Try to let go of your own guilt over it not being done though, it wasn’t on you and she possibly only thought about it in passing.

If it helps we do similar here and my son didn’t thank my aunt a few weeks ago (because of work and him with school times didn’t line up) and I’ve just gotten a birthday present so me and him will bring a bunch of flowers when we visit the area today (I was going to phone later). That’s thanks to you and this post. Hugs op x

Two points @Summervibes12

I'm 100% with your on manners and saying thank you.

At 17 your daughter is quite old enough to have called her great aunt herself - strong accent or no strong accent. You've 'babied' her - or your husband has.

There is also the old fashioned way of saying thanks- writing a thank you card. (I do that myself for gifts received from close friends.) For the older generation (like me!) a card is lovely and something to hold onto.

I'd have been nagging my daughter, not my husband.

'Struggling on the phone' at 17 implies she has some confidence or communication issues and those need addressing regardless.

I had great aunts and uncles (as your daughter did) and to be really honest was never close to any of them but I'd do the decent thing and thank them.

With respect your children are old enough to write a letter or send a thank you card.

@DBD1975 Yes, get the DH to make the donation! Let’s see if he can manage that. Poor thing.

Exactly this. He couldn't be arsed to ring her in the last 2 months yet he needs some concession because he's suddenly grieving her?

I am sorry for your loss.

I am similar to your husband. I know it is awful but I struggle to do simple things like say thank you or call on birthdays. I especially struggle when people are ill, I just can't deal with it, don't know what to say, don't want to face the reality of their condition, I don't know the reason but I always feel the same. I know it feels cold and I dislike myself for it but I have never been able to overcome it. A member of my family likes to remind me of what I 'should' do and it just makes it harder for me because it is another layer of pressure as well as what I put on myself. It's never that I forget, I think of it constantly and beat myself up, I just find the actual doing difficult.

We are all different, have our own relationships and have to deal with things in our own way. Accepting that is part of life, however difficult it may be.

I am pleased you have taken on board that you may not have dealt with this in the best way. Please bear in mind your husband might be as disappointed in himself as you are and need some compassion. If a similar avoidance scenario arises you could ask him about it kindly, try and help him process it.

This might not be how your husband is feeling but thought this perspective might be useful

If it was his aunt it's unlikely that he's that grief stricken however it was bad form on your part really.

Your daughter is old enough to have sat down and write a letter or send a card; or even to have started the call and then have her father join.

Neither of them will have to stir themselves now anyway.

I also can’t believe you’re getting a hard time OP. It’s not good that he didn’t contact her despite knowing how ill she was. You sound extremely caring to me to feel awful about this. I think maybe just the “did you call to thank her” comment would have been enough to leave hanging in the air for him though..

There isn’t a language barrier, it’s an accent.

the 17 year old could have made contact if she had wanted to. She chose not to.

either way guilting people over what contact they did or didn’t make in the weeks leading up to death won’t achieve anything except to make people feel shit.

You need to be focusing on your daughter's inability to make a phone call at 17.

Or write a thank you card when appropriate .

What's the issue there?