She died and no one said thank you 🥲

[Summervibes12]

My husbands aunt religiously has sent our children Christmas and birthday presents for the last 19 years. I am an absolute stickler for the children having to contact relatives to thank them.

My daughter’s birthday was 8 weeks ago and my husband’s aunt sent gift as normal. My daughter told me she is the only person she needs to thank as she wanted her Dad to make the call, and she would go on the phone and say thank you and husband would continue the conversation. Elderly lady, bad hearing and no mobile phone.

I reminded them numerous times to do this. She has a terminal illness and I was always reminding him to keep in touch. We don’t live in the same country.

At 4pm he told me his mother had rang to say Aunt was very unwell. I asked him had he rang her post our daughters birthday and he said no. I said that I thought that was really poor form and he was really cross at me. Said it was not the time to bring that up. She had a terminal illness and could make the effort to organise a present for our child and he couldn’t be arsed to thank her.

Over our 23 year marriage I have stepped in the past and rang for him but this just annoys him. So I stopped doing it.

She died tonight. I am just so annoyed at my husband. He thinks I am being unreasonable for bringing this up.

I get he is upset as he really loved her but men have to step up and show it.

YABU - I should have said nothing,
YANBU - I was right to call him out

There would be no point in writing to the aunt as she has, unfortunately, died.

There would be no point in writing to the aunt as she has, unfortunately, died.

Op is not replying to anyone except the positive comments towards her.

I posted again correcting this. But essentially it should’ve been the 17 year old contacting the aunt, not her father.

I am sorry for the family lost.

My ex FiL always sent money, from another country, to his granddaughter and her stepsister. Even from a very young age they both each wrote their own simple thank you letter. When they were very young on the lines of,
Dear Granddad, I hope you are well. Thank you for the money you sent me. I bought X. Love from

When he died 20 years later the child, who was not his blood granddaughter, received a very nice some of money because of her letters over the years.

The person you should be cross with is your daughter. For goodness sake, she's 17, she can make her own phone call - or send a letter/card.

Your husband needs your support right now, not to be blamed for something which wasn't actually his responsibility.

I had 3 great-aunts. They were in their mid 60s when I was born and lived in the same town as we did.
They always gave us money for Christmas and birthdays.
Mum would take us out there to say hello and to check in and to say thank you for our gifts.
As my sister and I got older and Mum allowed us to wear makeup, they felt free to criticise us for that and our choice of clothing.
Sis and I were very conservative compared to our friends and the times.
Our poor mum was caught in the middle.
A little mascara and bell bottoms? Seriously? lol
We freaking thanked them in person and got criticised for it.
I remember that and compliment my nieces - even if I think they look silly. Because they don’t think they look silly.

I don't think you were wrong. Yes, she was his relative but you also cared about her but he didn't let you do the right thing. And he didn't either. I get it. I do.

But from now on leave it. If he never speaks to his family again is his problem. If they all think him and his family are rude, again, his problem.

Your daughters birthday was 8 weeks ago! Your DH knew she was terminally ill yet couldn’t be bothered to phone. I don’t think all the posters saying about upsetting a grieving man need to be worried about that.

Why couldn’t the daughter write? She was seventeen. Not her dad’s responsibility really is it. The daughter has been selfish.

And send it where? The Aunt is now dead.

For the 3rd or 4th time, I reposted amending this and the tense in it. Please read the thread properly before commenting.

My asian background absolutely agrees with what you were trying to do OP. Elderly and ill relatives do deserve that care and consideration - a phone call is so basic- even if they do not send us presents. My parents are gone and my lot of elderly aunts and Mum's friends are at that stage where we (my sisters and I) make regular visits to just hold their hand while they are still here. I notice that it is something my brother does a lot less! And not on his own. His sisters and wife often have to drag him along. He isn't heartless, it is just not expected of him but that should change.

But she has acknowledged that she was in the wrong (as was my view, too). Not sure what else you want from her.

I'll never know why women think it's their role to keep in touch with their husbands relatives on their behalf, or constantly remind them. Maybe it's becaise they like moaning about how useless their husbands are at keeping in touch? Stay out of it.

Because women need to mother partners it seems, i think some people need to obesss over something then move on to another obessesion

Women complain how much they do and how useless men are but how much of what women choose to do is on them?

Yabvu

Your husband is selfish and so is your daughter, she is 17 not 4. It was probs the wrong time for you to bring it up but they literally had 17 years to get used to calling her to say thank you.

So you’re excusing your 17 year old, blaming your DH.

You didn’t have to nag him to do anything, if he’d never thanked his aunt, she may have stopped sending the gifts. Issues sorted.

You sound incredibly unsupportive and guilt tripping

Do you think the aunt died unhappier due to not receiving that call? I doubt it.

It is small in the grand scheme of things.
Your children have had form for always thanking their Aunt so Aunt knew full well that your daughter felt grateful.
Aunt would not have worried about the thank you call but would have felt happy that the gift was able to be sent.

Calm down and remember that Aunt was loved and is dearly missed.

From now on, help your children to learn to write a thank you note themselves and post it. If your daughter is deaf, writing notes when she can't text or phone will be a handy skill to have.

Couldn’t help it. Sorry.

Sometimes it takes time to wake up to the example your own parents set. My mother and MIL were both the managers of social connections. I eventually got there.

💯

So he knew she was dying but didn’t contact his aunt during the last eight weeks? The gift is incidental at this point, he didn’t make any effort to speak with her at the end of her life. What a prince.

Just leave it. It’s not the time to go on about it.