For stopping my partner going to his friends wedding

[YourOlivePoster]

The title sounds bad- I know but hear me out. We have been together 10 years, engaged for 2 and were due to get married this year. He went through a full scale mental breakdown at the end of last year and left our home in wales (where we have a daughter, and a multitude of pets) and went back to his mum’s house as he couldn’t deal with the responsibility anymore. He had a problem with drugs, racked up £15k debt and just could not function. He had walked out of his job so wasn’t bringing in and income so I spent 6 months as the sole earner with him being away at his mums for 2 of them. Obviously that was an awful time for both of us but he is having therapy and had a part time time job and is back at home so things are on the up. Anyway, his friend is due to get married abroad in June and he is meant to be a groomsman. We hadn’t spoken about it. I am a teacher so wouldn’t be able to go anyway as it is during term time. He has come to me saying his mum is offering to pay for his flights and accommodation as a loan (on top of the £15k she stumped up to clear his debts and over £1000 for therapy) for him to go to the wedding. He thinks I am spiteful for not wanting him to go. I have had to back out of various events this year including my best friend’s hen because I couldn’t afford them as he was out of work having his crisis. It feels totally unfair that he gets to go because his family is more wealthy and his mum will literally pay for anything. I feel so frustrated but on the other hand it is one of his best friends. The other blow is we have had to cancel our own wedding due to everything that happened, I am even still paying off what we owe for my wedding dress and the venue every month. We are still recovering financially and living within a tight budget and he hasn’t put aside any money for spending whilst there so even though his mum will pay the bulk he is still going to spend hundreds of pounds we don’t have. Also the wedding is 3 days in Greece so he would be away 5 nights during the busiest term time leaving me to run everything at home. Am I being unreasonable by not wanting him to go? If anyone needs a holiday it is me!

So when he couldn’t cope with responsibility and had racked up 15 grand of debt, he runs home to mummy, she pays his debt. Mummy waits on him hand and foot so he gets rested and recuperation, when he feels better, bless his cotton socks he goes back to you. You have had to handle everything, a child, a full time job and the household, no respite and 2 weeks after he comes back he wants a holiday? It might be his mates wedding but it’s still a holiday! He doesn’t care he owes 15 grand to his mum, that you’re paying back for the cancelled wedding dress/venue and money is tight! His mummy thinks he deserves a break, her poor baby, so gets her purse out and offers to pay again . Even though money is tight, he still wants spending money and wants to take it from the monthly budget.
He is a complete and utter cock, he has mummy on one side and a strong woman in you looking after him, so he can be a weak and snivelling child with you both enabling him.
You need to put you and your child needs before that sad sack, I’d toss him back to mummy as he’s no man.

Fucking hell, LTB already!

You owe him nothing.

he put drugs before you and your child.
he got you into debt
he ran back to mummy because she enables his behaviour,
he obviously doesn’t give a shit about anyone bar himself.

id tell him to go but to go back to his mums too, I wouldn’t be with someone who Weber put drugs before their child.

I read this and thought YABU to want to marry him. I thought maybe I was being harsh then realised most comments agree OP.

I've been married 20 years to a man who is also loving (never cheated or physically hurt us) but is an addict and alcoholic. His DM sounds like your DP's DM...enabling, giving money to him for fun times, ignoring that I'm working crazy hours to support our DC. She was a single mother so feels guilt about that and overcompensates. While DH loves us and has always had a job, he's a manchild who mismanages money if left alone. He "manages" his addictions but they don't go away.

MIL now has a terminal illness, and while she's kind to me and I'm sad for her, I'm looking forward to inheriting her money because I'm going to manage it. Her recent 'gift' to DH was a brand new car. I fumed because he doesn't need it (we have 2 cars in working condition) but our DC need university funds.

When she's gone, all her money, his car, etc. will go to our DC's university funds and down payments for DC first houses. If my DH spends it w/out my input, he and I both know he'll gamble and drink it all away, so he's agreed to this, but somehow he can't help himself asking dear mother for toys.

It's been a long road, OP, and addicts don't necessarily get fixed. I see small improvements but a lot of that is my taking tighter control of decisions. I wouldn't have heeded any advice at your age, but you should see what happens to women like us in 20 years time. I'm exhausted and should have had far more $ than I do now.

If you are missing out on fun stuff, he has to as well. He needs to pay the debt. Not you. Doesn’t matter if you’re married.

If his mum has offered to bail him out and he wants to take it and go to the wedding that’s up to him. But I wouldn’t be impressed nor trust him to use the money for the debt. Especially if he has spending issues.

RE the drugs, you have to let recovering addicts (I am one) do stuff, you can’t keep them in their room, but so many people do coke at weddings I’d be concerned. I’d want someone to be keeping an eye on him.

Goodness, I can only think you must be his mum to have that take on this. Although if he was my child, I’d still have a very different take. Oh, unless you were just getting some kind of odd kick out of being mean to someone on the internet?

It’s only a few weeks since he got back!! He owes it to YOU to not do this. I’d say do whatever you want but if it’s this family you want then no more debt. I’m the woman who’s parented our child and is paying off our cancelled wedding and is broke because of your debts and desperately needs a break, and you want to take on more debt to go away to a wedding in Greece leaving me to struggle through a busy work period as a single mum again , then you clearly don’t really want this family, and I can’t keep trying. It’s ok to have limits op.

Im married to someone who struggles with mental health and drug issues (only recently attends cocaine anonymous having had issues on/off for 20 years !! ) it’s hard, relentless and our finances have suffered immensely as has my career prospects & friendships as I have a young child with him (a very happy accident) and an 18 year old. What I can say is your MIL bailing out someone who has driven up huge drug debts is lovely - particularly if he owed money to them directly as very scary prospect- BUT in the back of his mind he probably knows he can get bailed out again so lesson not learned. It’s taken me years to see you can’t change them/ they can only do it themselves. I know my DH has good intentions but is easily led/ a bad day/an anniversary of a relative death etc. any tip the scale and we are back to square one- I catch him out quite quickly now when he relapses thankfully as I recognise the signs but what a way to live !
I want to RUN for the hills some days but at the moment it’s just not possible. As kindly as possible I would think really carefully about your future with him and where you want to be in say 5/10 years. I am immensely grateful for my darling little one whom I wouldn’t have otherwise but my god life with my DH is very very hard some days and I have serious trust issues as drug addicts are very good liars !

At this point I wouldn’t care if he went or not.
But I wouldn’t be there when he got back.
Life’s all about choices, @YourOlivePoster- make it your choice in life to love someone who respects you. ❤️

I’d let him go permanently.

Are you his mother?

MIL - Is that you???

He could cost you your entire career if you marry him and he gets convicted for drug offences. I’ve had to sign paperwork that I don’t live in a home with criminals in 2 different schools I’ve worked in. He sounds like such a prick for even asking to go if you’re still paying for your dress and the venue?! Are you having to pay for the deposit or the full amount? I’m so sorry :( You deserve so much better but most importantly; your child deserves a safe, happy and STABLE home. If you can’t think of you please think of her. Would you ever have done any of this or abandoned her and fucked off to your mothers? Of course not.

Why are you spending so much on a wedding to a drug addicted financial wreck?

He “had” a problem with drugs, presumably he’s clean now or in recovery.

his behaviour has been awful otherwise but I hate the judgment on addicts.

Presumably he is clean or in recovery as she used past tense. Addiction is easier than you think, judgement doesn’t help.

You need to leave him

Reconsider marrying this fellow.
Take that decision slowly.

Inform his mother that he already is paying off drug debts of 15,000 and her giving him money is enebling him not to pay off debt. Inform mother to only give him as much as she can afford to give as a gift, in all likelihood he won't repay it.

If it can be afforded the wedding will be great - you should get a babysitter and go as well. If you mean to try again, going to Greece together could be a reward for getting off the drugs.

Will he have access to drugs on his Greece trip?
It could end up being a fast way to tell if he's really off them.

.

Oh OP, this is rough.

He may be clean/dry now, but he hasn't changed yet. He's still using others (his mother's money, your patience) to fulfill his own desires. It's standard addict behavior.

Until he takes responsibility for himself and his family, and learns to put you first, his mindset hasn't changed. Addicts are inherently selfish and until they've dealt with that, they're always one step away from being back to square one.

It's tough, but if you love him, the best thing you can do for him is to let him go.

I think get rid of him from your life.
i can’t see any good from what you’ve written in your post. You’re giving giving giving op and he is nowhere near matching you in effort or in desire to repair or nurture the relationship. He’s got a problem with drugs - I’d go no contact and I’d not let him have any presence in your child’s life. There’s nothing good there for your child; only dire influence and a higher chance of a crappy future; undermining your hard work as a parent. I wondered why you chose this person as a partner/father for a child because there’s deep fundamental issues here. Honestly I think save yourself and your dc years of anguish and move on from him in your life. X

Also, don’t marry him. Do not tie your finances to this selfish addict. You have a child to care for.

I can't understand why you would even consider having this waste of space in your life anymore. He brings you nothing but grief. He contributes nothing to your happiness, nor to the family finances and how can he possibly be a role model for your DC.

He's utterly feral and being enabled by his mother, who has paid off all his debts so he's never going to be an adult with her around. And now after all he's done, hes sulking because you don't want him to swan off on a jolly with his mates. Give me strength!

It's tough, but if you love him, the best thing you can do for him is to let him go.

yes, reward the addict's appalling selfish behaviour, that'll help 👍

Oh mumsnet

my aunt married a guy who was an alcoholic, they were married for years, her life was hell and he isolated her , she works all hours and he works if he could be arsed. She had every excuse for him under the sun, he died and she is a bitter, twisted old woman due to the hurt, emotional and physical abuse.

my sibling is an alcoholic, his adult children no longer speak to them due to the abuse, they don’t speak to their other parent either because they put the alcoholic parent before them.

most of the family and either no contact or low contact.

please don’t let this happen to you.