For stopping my partner going to his friends wedding

[YourOlivePoster]

The title sounds bad- I know but hear me out. We have been together 10 years, engaged for 2 and were due to get married this year. He went through a full scale mental breakdown at the end of last year and left our home in wales (where we have a daughter, and a multitude of pets) and went back to his mum’s house as he couldn’t deal with the responsibility anymore. He had a problem with drugs, racked up £15k debt and just could not function. He had walked out of his job so wasn’t bringing in and income so I spent 6 months as the sole earner with him being away at his mums for 2 of them. Obviously that was an awful time for both of us but he is having therapy and had a part time time job and is back at home so things are on the up. Anyway, his friend is due to get married abroad in June and he is meant to be a groomsman. We hadn’t spoken about it. I am a teacher so wouldn’t be able to go anyway as it is during term time. He has come to me saying his mum is offering to pay for his flights and accommodation as a loan (on top of the £15k she stumped up to clear his debts and over £1000 for therapy) for him to go to the wedding. He thinks I am spiteful for not wanting him to go. I have had to back out of various events this year including my best friend’s hen because I couldn’t afford them as he was out of work having his crisis. It feels totally unfair that he gets to go because his family is more wealthy and his mum will literally pay for anything. I feel so frustrated but on the other hand it is one of his best friends. The other blow is we have had to cancel our own wedding due to everything that happened, I am even still paying off what we owe for my wedding dress and the venue every month. We are still recovering financially and living within a tight budget and he hasn’t put aside any money for spending whilst there so even though his mum will pay the bulk he is still going to spend hundreds of pounds we don’t have. Also the wedding is 3 days in Greece so he would be away 5 nights during the busiest term time leaving me to run everything at home. Am I being unreasonable by not wanting him to go? If anyone needs a holiday it is me!

YABU. Tell him to go. Call in sick with work and use the time to pack his bags and change the locks.

Sorry, so her wanting to look after her own mental health is selfish.
But him acting like a dick and saying it's his mental health is ever so special and is at the centre of the universe, because everybody knows people with mental health issues cannot help anything they do ever. Apart from OP. Because she should be continuing to hold the fort indefinitely with no respite or support.

So he's been back for 2 weeks, his mum paid off his debts and is now also paying for him to go on some coke binge pissup while you stay home working to pay off your wedding dress from your cancelled wedding? Nah mate. He can go but I don't think he should be coming back.

I'm not going to say that having MH issues and being an (ex?) drug addict means someone is a terrible person or partner.
But the fact he is so irresponsible with money, and allows his mum to bail him out and he runs away to her house whenever he feels he needs to, those are bad red flags.
How do you know he won't just go back to mummy again, he knows you'll take him back no questions asked.
I have respect for people trying to sort out their mental problems but he doesn't sound like he's taking full responsibility for his own actions.

Hes only just returned and already he's being unreasonable and emotionally manipulative. He doesn't sound like a good man.

@YourOlivePoster

You should definitely let him go and then change the goddamn locks.

You are an educated woman and have a daughter.

What, exactly, do you think you are teaching her?

Believe it or not, sometimes, love is not enough.

Serious bar raising required here Olive.

eta; to correct typo

I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around.

With respect OP, after his behaviour for the last 6 months don't you think he owes it to you to prioritise your family and finances, and to commit to getting his relationship with you and your DC back on track?

Nailed it.

Do you not think he owes you some consideration now instead of swanning off yet again leaving you to hold everything together again? And not for his health benefit but simply for a jolly?

I realise, sometimes, there is a comfort in what is known but sometimes, that very same comfort will be the death of you.

I think it's time to cut yourself free of him.

You are trying harder than him

He prioritised drugs and put his child and partner through hell. How much more do they have to take?

What a loser.
Your poor child.

The drugs are not a huge issue for you.
If they were you wouldn't be allowing this utter waster back into your home.

You don’t owe him anything.

This man will ruin your life, your career and your energy.

I've lived with a depressed person and 'just be glad' or 'you should be grateful that...' was an incredibly manipulative phrase designed to lower expectations. 'I can't pick up the milk, just be glad I'm able to go outside', 'so what if I spent x amount, you should be glad I'm not lying in bed all day'. The message was have no expectations/ give no responsibilities. The OP has a right to expect more from them.

WTF - you actually are STILL with someone like this?! Why?

Yes!

YABU and as enabling as you say his mother is.
WTH did you take him back? He's barely recovered.

I’m sorry OP but if we was serious about making amends he’d be hunkering down (like you are) saving money and being grateful you’re giving him another chance. Not taking handouts from his mum and calling you spiteful.

Why are you marrying him?

Yes! He’s already disrespecting you within a few weeks, yes 2weeks of returing. This should be his ‘trying hardest to please you’ period.

Also, from the simple fact that he ruined your wedding and now what’s to celebrate someone else’s makes him a massive inconsiderate pig.

You owe him nothing.

He owes you the decency to not run up anymore debt. Bare minimum.

What does he bring to the table? What do you love about him?

I would explain to him that it is his choice but the choice he makes will have a lasting impact on your future.

he should be grovelling and making the decision not to go himself as it’s out of the question- the worst thing he could so imho

I'm sorry, what the actual fuck??

Point being let him go. Stop trying to prevent him. You can't tell his mam what to do with her money anyway so that's a pointless line of enquiry.

See what he does off his own bat.

If he chooses to do as he pleases after everything, make a decision about the future with full awareness of his priorities and empathy for you and the impact this period has had on you.

If the event is important, he has the funds (mummy but that's their business), and he takes some accountability for the DC and considers you whilst away, that may be a bit different from just fucking off (say arranging family childcare and letting you have a reciprocal break plus seeing it through).

If it's everyone else wiping his arse again, you know where you stand. Might as well be clear eyed about that. Don't force the issue.

You can't force this man into a mould. You'll have to see and accept who/ what he is one way or another and decide if that's good enough for you sooner or later.