Is it me, or are these friends exploiting us?

[JohnPrescottsPyjamas]

Posted before about this couple who sold their house and wanted to stay in our place whilst we were away on holiday.

We’ve been friends for several years. Great company, charming people, but incredibly disorganised and unable to prioritise their life - not our problem, except they have a habit of offloading their crises onto those around them. Everything is always left to the last minute and I don’t know how they do it, but they manage to get a freebie off someone or get everyone running around after them, whether it’s a friend of a friend offering holiday accommodation, a cheap decorator or last minute dog sitter etc etc. For example, DH ended up doing an exceptionally long airport run for them recently because they didn’t want to take their car, the more convenient local airport didn’t fly on a day that suited them (it was to another freebie overseas apartment) and the lift was presented to him as, “are you still ok to take us to……” which he felt obliged to do as he said he honestly couldn’t remember agreeing to, but felt he couldn’t let them down! No offer of petrol etc, just bought DH a coffee and a cake.

They sold their house, have made a nice profit, now cash buyers and looking to downsize, but they have have not planned where they were going to live, refuse to pay for a short term rental and are essentially sofa surfing until they find somewhere to buy. They’ve dropped great big hints suggesting they could stay with us for around a month whilst they search as we “have the room” as clearly they have outstayed their welcome the other friends they have been staying with. We do have the space, and there is no reason why I should say no, but I’m beginning to feel a bit of a mug.

AIBU to say no as it’s only a month and we’ve been friends for a long time, or is not unreasonable to say no, they need to make their own arrangements?

I had friends like this who stayed with me for 6 wks (" we promise it won't be longer than a week") and ultimately said "no" to one final request to store more things in my cellar, on the same day I had asked them around to empty it.

Just say something like "you're right, we do have the room but for a variety of reasons, it just won't be convenient at that time, sorry."

‘there is no reason why I should say no‘
yes there is, because you don’t want to, and that’s a good enough to say no.

I’ve had friends ask to stay at mine for free whilst they rent out their apartment on air bnb. None of them were in a bad situation, they just wanted more money. I said no.

Also be cautious of friends like this doing you any favours, they literally use it as currency 😂

They sound like people you'll never get out once you let them in.

No, very hard no.

No, luckily they don’t.

“Your bad admin is not my emergency.”

Even if they had an offer accepted on a house tomorrow it would be at least a couple of months, even if the chain didn't collapse or the survey was poor. You would be looking at 3 months minimum, no way would I do that for anyone except maybe family.

I agree with the others. If it's hard for you to say no to them now, it'll be even harder to get them out once they're in. There's no way that the will find a a house, exchange and complete in a month ( or even six!)
Lack of planning on their part does not mean you have to help them out.
What's the worst that can happen if you say no?

That's a relief.

Just remember when it comes time to move all the stuff from your garage to their new place that your Tennis Elbow has kicked off again, and DH has hurt his back gardening, so can't lift or drive for long.

It brought to mind this @JohnPrescottsPyjamas

I’ve just been in a similar situation apparently at some stage in my life I agreed for some CFs to stay in my house as they were having some work done. Well at least that is how it was presented; “we’re moving in next Wednesday as discussed” and like you I have the space it was going to be for 2-3 weeks this wasn’t made clear till they moved in. 2 days in it was either they moved out or I did I really didn’t care who it was. They went and found some other poor sap to free load off.
DONT AGREE IT WILL BE AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE

Realistically , they are not going to find a place and move in a month . The friendship would probably be toast at the end of it anyway .

Please don't be a mug to them. Save your kindness for friendships who reciprocate.

I know a few people who do this round the world, if they join a housesitter group then they would also have access to free holidays too, they should be thrilled at your suggestion!

I think it’s one where you don’t offer solutions as it’s not your problem, just a oh that sounds rough anyway sure you’ll get sorted.

YANBU, it'll be more than a month. I get it if someone was say, selling up and moving to start a new job at a set date, but without a date and given they have been trying to take advantage for a while, it'd be a no from me.

In terms of the question “are they exploiting us?” what have they done in the past to repay any of the favours you have done for them? If you were in the same situation as they are in now do you have every confidence that they would say yes? They are clearly very disorganised, and appear to be CFs, but just checking they aren’t also very generous to their friends?

Goodness they are CFs. They obviously can afford to pay but don’t want to. You will end up feeding them and generally running round after them. I suggest you distance yourselves and say you don’t want house guests at the moment. Flipping cheek using your garage as storage too.

They will continue to be disorganised as long as their friends keep bailing them out. I would just say no on principle from now on. Also, if you were to ask them a favour, how likely are they to help you out?

Hope you dont say yes or I could picture your next post at Christmas saying These CFs have overstayed their welcome....cos they will if you let them!

I suspect the friendship is one of those jolly/bantering initially intense but fundamentally superficial ones, and as soon as you stop being doormats you won’t see their heels for dust. Don’t let them stay with you, they will abuse your hospitality and it will most likely end badly. I have encountered users like this before but they don’t try it on with me as I keep my barriers up, so to speak.

It's not a month though. It will be until you force them to leave.
Avoid the unpleasantness and so no now.
"Ever so sorry, we will have to say no. Sharing our house really doesn't suit us."
And move briskly on.

OP, I think you also need your garage back.

Agree with others that it could very well turn out more than a month. I have a friend like this, disorganised, almost like they have zero thought to consequences. Asked to move into my rented flat for a week, then it was two, then there was no word as to any move out date, no searching for her own rental, just lazing around and wanting to go out and socialise most evenings whilst I was in FT work and paying the rent and bills. I thought it was reasonable to allow her to stay for 3 weeks but then I had to have a firm word which she seemed surprised at and wasn’t very happy at all at being asked to move on. No reason why they can’t get an air bnb. I did this between house moves and I was skint but I didn’t want to impose on friends and could have moved in with family but was used to having my own space. It’s even more crazy if they have spare cash and clearly just don’t want to dip into that! I would keep it simple and say it doesn’t really work for us, I’m not one for making excuses as feel you shouldn’t have to but if it makes you more comfortable you can simply add you have family visits as Summer approaches.

Well, this 'chaos' of theirs has served them very well over the years hasn't it! To leech off you and other friends for so long... then, to try and seal the current deal, they go for a sly bit of emotional blackmail: "You have the room..." Bloomin eck, they're so far gone in cf-ery they're meeting themselves on the way back! Must have thought they'd landed on a cloud of nice-but-dims they can tweak to meet their every need.

As PPs have said, have they ever done anything nice for you? Not fun stuff like entertaining, but boring crap like an unreasonably long airport run? I doubt it.

These are not friends, they're grifters in friends' clothing. Please do yourself and your real friends a favour by easing them out of your lives. I wouldn't do it abruptly, they might not go quietly! Be less available, be less interested in them and their lives, let things taper off. Some good suggestions for how to do that from PPs.

I would tell them that their situation presents a perfect opportunity to rent an AirBNB in a nice place on the coast somewhere.

Just let them know that they need to make it big enough for your visit.