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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me, or are these friends exploiting us?

428 replies

JohnPrescottsPyjamas · 23/05/2025 14:24

Posted before about this couple who sold their house and wanted to stay in our place whilst we were away on holiday.

We’ve been friends for several years. Great company, charming people, but incredibly disorganised and unable to prioritise their life - not our problem, except they have a habit of offloading their crises onto those around them. Everything is always left to the last minute and I don’t know how they do it, but they manage to get a freebie off someone or get everyone running around after them, whether it’s a friend of a friend offering holiday accommodation, a cheap decorator or last minute dog sitter etc etc. For example, DH ended up doing an exceptionally long airport run for them recently because they didn’t want to take their car, the more convenient local airport didn’t fly on a day that suited them (it was to another freebie overseas apartment) and the lift was presented to him as, “are you still ok to take us to……” which he felt obliged to do as he said he honestly couldn’t remember agreeing to, but felt he couldn’t let them down! No offer of petrol etc, just bought DH a coffee and a cake.

They sold their house, have made a nice profit, now cash buyers and looking to downsize, but they have have not planned where they were going to live, refuse to pay for a short term rental and are essentially sofa surfing until they find somewhere to buy. They’ve dropped great big hints suggesting they could stay with us for around a month whilst they search as we “have the room” as clearly they have outstayed their welcome the other friends they have been staying with. We do have the space, and there is no reason why I should say no, but I’m beginning to feel a bit of a mug.

AIBU to say no as it’s only a month and we’ve been friends for a long time, or is not unreasonable to say no, they need to make their own arrangements?

OP posts:
Gloriia · 23/05/2025 16:08

'For example, DH ended up doing an exceptionally long airport run for them recently because they didn’t want to take their car, the more convenient local airport didn’t fly on a day that suited them (it was to another freebie overseas apartment) and the lift was presented to him as, “are you still ok to take us to……” which he felt obliged to do as he said he honestly couldn’t remember agreeing to'

Users just take advantage of people who dont assert themselves. This ^ is crazy. Who does a long airport run because they couldn't remember agreeing to it.

They aren't your friends, just tell them no to accommodation requests.

Smokesandeats · 23/05/2025 16:10

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas ask yourselves, do you honestly believe they would do the same for you in the same situation? My guess is that they wouldn’t, so why do you even need to consider it? They are not going to be out on the street as they can easily afford a hotel or Airbnb. Just say ‘no’. You don’t need to look for excuses - you don’t want any houseguests. Make sure you prepare your DH to say no to them as well.

Original poster
JohnPrescottsPyjamas · 23/05/2025 16:11

Lovemycat2023 · 23/05/2025 15:52

In terms of the question “are they exploiting us?” what have they done in the past to repay any of the favours you have done for them? If you were in the same situation as they are in now do you have every confidence that they would say yes? They are clearly very disorganised, and appear to be CFs, but just checking they aren’t also very generous to their friends?

Er, that’s a good question. Not a lot and I’m trying to think of an occasion when they have.

He offered us a lift to the airport, well after we’d already booked and organised parking, because we don’t leave this sort of thing to the last minute.
She wanted me to look after their dog because it doesn’t like kennels (and costs £30 a day) and offered a reciprocal arrangement, but I know they often don’t bother walking their own animal, and mine needs a lot of exercise, so I declined the offer with that excuse. She did suggest at one time that because I enjoy walking, I could collect and walk hers too!

OP posts:
Tubbled · 23/05/2025 16:11

are these the kind of people that laugh at their own ‘ditziness’ and think other people will find it charming? I cannot stand these types. Please do not let them stay a day with you.

Tbry24 · 23/05/2025 16:12

You help friends who have a crisis and are desperate for example actually homeless….as I have been in the past.

you say no to this couple. They are not homeless they are just unwilling to pay for anything. They can rent a self catering cottage for a fortnight or stay in a premier inn. If they stayed somewhere not so nice which they actually have to pay for it will incentivise them to find a permanent home.

also no more lifts to the airport or free storage.if you say no they obviously have lots of other people they will ask who seem to weirdly agree.

Original poster
JohnPrescottsPyjamas · 23/05/2025 16:14

Tubbled · 23/05/2025 16:11

are these the kind of people that laugh at their own ‘ditziness’ and think other people will find it charming? I cannot stand these types. Please do not let them stay a day with you.

That IS them exactly. They’re very much “Oh, silly us. We forgot to organise x,y or z. Are you able to do it?”

Or, “We’re so stressed and under pressure because we didn’t plan properly Can you help?”

OP posts:
Oldglasses · 23/05/2025 16:14

Don't do it!
They have cash, they can rent an air b n b or similar. Or a short-term let (6 months is standard).
You wont be friends again if you let them stay at yours.

MayaPinion · 23/05/2025 16:16

There is no way that will be ‘about a month’. Even the most straightforward house sales with cash/mortgage in place are unlikely to take less than 6 weeks, and that’s assuming the new home is chain free and already empty.

They haven’t even found anywhere to live yet, which they could easily have done before putting their house on the market.

If you want the cash you could say, ‘OK, but we’ll have to charge you at the market rate as we need the money’, and then ask for £1500 a month plus bills’.

Otherwise just be brash about it. ‘Flipping heck, no way. I can’t even cope with my own children/parents/sister staying with me for more than a day or two. Living with people for a month or more would drive me over the edge! Seriously, where will you live while you’re waiting to buy somewhere?’

Original poster
JohnPrescottsPyjamas · 23/05/2025 16:17

Tbry24 · 23/05/2025 16:12

You help friends who have a crisis and are desperate for example actually homeless….as I have been in the past.

you say no to this couple. They are not homeless they are just unwilling to pay for anything. They can rent a self catering cottage for a fortnight or stay in a premier inn. If they stayed somewhere not so nice which they actually have to pay for it will incentivise them to find a permanent home.

also no more lifts to the airport or free storage.if you say no they obviously have lots of other people they will ask who seem to weirdly agree.

This 100%. I would do anything for anyone who had a genuine crisis or life dealt them a shit card. It happens. My frustration is their lack of planning, organisation and inability to prioritise somehow becomes everyone else’s problem and we’re picking up the pieces whilst they mop their brows and moan about bad luck.

OP posts:
SunshineIdiot789 · 23/05/2025 16:18

Absolutely not. YABU for even entertaining it.

We had "friends" like that. Really liked them, super social, they seemed to be liked by everyone. Except as the years went by, more and more very inconvenient favours were being requested and their friendship list was dwindling.

They barely speak to us now as I didn't want to look after their very old dog over 3 weeks at Christmas while I was pregnant and extremely sick. They had booked holiday and didn't book a kennel and didn't want to spend money on a dog walker.

And turns out lots of people don't speak to them anymore, i was actually more tolerant that most.

They have however gone and made new friends. So I assume they're fine.

ExceedinglyCharacteristic · 23/05/2025 16:20

JohnPrescottsPyjamas · 23/05/2025 16:17

This 100%. I would do anything for anyone who had a genuine crisis or life dealt them a shit card. It happens. My frustration is their lack of planning, organisation and inability to prioritise somehow becomes everyone else’s problem and we’re picking up the pieces whilst they mop their brows and moan about bad luck.

Show quote history

Just keep channelling ‘Your disorganisation is not my emergency’. On repeat.

BoudiccaRuled · 23/05/2025 16:22

"Good LORD, no! Would hate to ruin our friendship, and me having to share my house for more than a weekend would definitely mean a ruined friendship."
Gives a definite no and a valid reason.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 23/05/2025 16:24

"We do have the space, and there is no reason why I should say no"

I've only read your posts OP, so I'm sure someone else has already said this, but "We don't want to" is a reason. You can even be polite about it. "That doesn't work for us"

People like this rely on others not knowing how to say No, and yet they're the easiest people to say no to. They're asking for something ridiculous and they know that, so they're not going to fall out with you over it. After all, they might want something else in the future!

CalicoPusscat · 23/05/2025 16:28

Tell them to get a short term rental and you'll help them look into it.

People like this back away from practicalities.

Andylion · 23/05/2025 16:30

My frustration is their lack of planning, organisation and inability to prioritise somehow becomes everyone else’s problem and we’re picking up the pieces whilst they mop their brows and moan about bad luck.

OP, is it lack of planning or is it that they were planning all along to stay with you or other friends?
They need to be reminded that the cost of hiring movers is all part of moving house, and in their case, the cost of a stay at an AirBnB is also one of those costs.

Stepfordian · 23/05/2025 16:37

CalicoPusscat · 23/05/2025 16:28

Tell them to get a short term rental and you'll help them look into it.

People like this back away from practicalities.

Don’t do this, it then becomes your problem and gives them leverage to manipulate you into letting them stay. They’re presumably adults with full cognitive capability and sufficient funds so they can sort themselves somewhere to live and if they can’t do it immediately there’s always the Premier Inn until they can, I’m certain they wouldn’t end up sleeping on a park bench.

WomenInSTEM · 23/05/2025 16:38

Don't help them move house.

I once helped a friend along with a group of us so that she didn't need to hire a van.

It was exhausting, she was in a foul mood all day, one of her new neighbours had a go at me for parking in 'his spot' and the meal she promised to buy us all as a thank you never materialised.

Duvetsse · 23/05/2025 16:38

OP, they think you are mugs.
They are grifters.
You are all foolish marks to be exploited.

They laugh behind your backs at how easily manipulated you are.

Start saying No on a loop and you won't see them for dust.

Kindly meant, but don't continue to be used by people who undoubtedly think nothing of you beyond your use to them.

Stop replying quickly, that doesn't suit, wont work for us, not convenient.

If they come back with a counter reply, don't answer.

You walking their dog despite you saying no is perfect proof of what a complete mug they think you are.

They have zero respect for you.

Stop being nice. Wasted on them.

Duvetsse · 23/05/2025 16:40

Most people would balk at a month for those they love.

For two grifters?
You would want to be out of your mind.

A simple NO should be your answer.
They need to jog on and lose your number on their mugs list.

Original poster
JohnPrescottsPyjamas · 23/05/2025 16:42

Andylion · 23/05/2025 16:30

My frustration is their lack of planning, organisation and inability to prioritise somehow becomes everyone else’s problem and we’re picking up the pieces whilst they mop their brows and moan about bad luck.

OP, is it lack of planning or is it that they were planning all along to stay with you or other friends?
They need to be reminded that the cost of hiring movers is all part of moving house, and in their case, the cost of a stay at an AirBnB is also one of those costs.

I think they were planning on moving around several friends’ homes and relying on good will. It was apparent even as the house sale was going through, nothing fixed had been arranged accommodation wise and once their stuff had gone into storage (and my garage) they were just going to be sofa surfing. We even asked at the time where they were going and they mentioned several different friend’s names dotted around the country. I guess they’ve now decided it’s our turn as we said no whilst we were away on holiday last month.

OP posts:
Fgfgfg · 23/05/2025 16:43

Nooooooo. We agreed to put a friend up for a month and to store some of his possessions. He was going abroad to work for a couple of years and needed somewhere to tide him over between his flat rental ending and his new contract starting in Italy. Another friend was storing furniture so we thought we were getting a few boxes of books and kitchen equipment. He turned up with a van and filled the spare room. Two weeks into his one month stay he had an accident that prevented him from starting his new job (think stonemason with a broken arm). He's skilled and in demand so he still had the work but it was 9 months later when we waved him off at the airport. And we still had his stuff.

Loopytiles · 23/05/2025 16:44

Be frustrated with yourself, you needn’t have listened to / engaged with any of it.

LillyPJ · 23/05/2025 16:45

The idea that estate agents might offer empty properties for free as short term lets is so laughable! Your friends obviously don't live on the same planet as us!

pinkyredrose · 23/05/2025 16:45

Re. the airport lift, why did your husband do it, why didn't he ask what the hell they were on about?

They're users and you're allowing yourself to be used. Time to stand up for yourselves.