To be disappointed that DH didn’t clean when I was on holiday?

[FairPlayer274]

I just got back from a 10 day holiday with my DD. DH didnt go because he couldn’t take off work, doesn’t particularly like camping, and has bad seasonal allergies. Before I left, I made sure that the house was clean, the laundry was done, the dogs had been to their regular vet appointments and were stocked up on meds, etc. On my way home, I thought DH would have surprised me by having kept up with the laundry and cleaning, and probably have gotten me a gift or two, as he usually does when I go away for long periods of time. Just as like an expression of “I missed you and I’m glad you’re home!”

Well… He did his dishes, but that’s about it. He said he didn’t leave things lying around, but I noticed a few of his things out. His hamper is full again, the house is dirty, and he complained that our bedding is gross (it needs to be done basically twice weekly because the dogs are always sleeping there.) He didn’t get me any gifts, but he did purchase 24 little, squishy animal toys and hide them around the house for DD to find, which she has delighted in and I thought was cute.

I was also exhausted from traveling and caring for a child on my own for 10 days and extremely touched out, and we stayed up late waiting for him to get home so DD could see him. He recognized my mood, but he didn’t make any effort to put DD to bed, either, which I thought was a bit inconsiderate.

I’m torn. On one hand, the house upkeep is my responsibility, as the financial provision is his, and he did encourage me to put some of the trip expenses on the credit card he usually pays off. And if I’m off having a holiday, maybe he should get to come home from work and do whatever he wants, too. Enjoy the child-free time, you know?

On the other hand… It’s very difficult for me to catch up on 10 days worth of cleaning and laundry, especially when I need to be preparing for a two-week work trip starting June 1st, and if he was relived from childcare for 10 days, he would have had a lot of free time to get some cleaning done. It makes me not want to go on future holidays, knowing how much I have to do when I get back. He’s also going on holiday with his older DD (she’s 18 and off at uni in another country; he’ll go to visit with her there and then they’re going to tour Portugal) in a few days, so I kind of feel like he’s getting the equivalent time off, you know?

There’s also the fact that he invited me out to lunch today and I declined because I have a lot of work to do at home and for my job (where I kind of hinted that the house is dirty because he hasn’t cleaned in 10 days) and he took that personally, like I didn’t want to spend time with him. He “joked” that he should be my #1 priority. It was… frustrating in a weird, hard, saddening kind of way. I wanted to cry over it. I’ve been jet lagged and overwhelmed by everything (also I think I forgot to take my meds) so I haven’t gotten much done today anyway. Mad at myself for it. Digging myself in deeper, I know.

I know I’m being entitled about the gift, but it also kind of feels like he’s not putting as much effort into “wooing” me as he used to. So I do feel disappointed and kind of worried about it, even if I know there’s no reason I should expect a gift. Also I didn’t bring him anything back from the trip, but that was because I didn’t have any spare room in our luggage, with all the gear and clothing we needed to bring, not for lack of consideration.

Thoughts?

I didn’t let her kick someone’s seat; there was no way to keep her still so that her feet wouldn’t touch the seat within the unusually small space she had. We didn’t have that problem on the way home because there was a reasonable amount of space with a different airline.

Ah, it's THIS poster. 💡

What, between the seat-kicking and the subzero camping and now the lack of a present from the person who didn't actually get a holiday, you've had quite a time of it recently, OP.

He could have slobbed around for 9.5 days and still had the house clean and welcoming for op’s return. He’s a dick to leave it all for her on return.

I know lots of people who work a few days a month (eg cabin crew, health care professionals) but regardless, he hasn’t kept on top of basic house management when he only had himself to look after,

The gift thing is a red herring.

Honestly it seems like all OP had time for really is complaining on MN

And shes a dick for going on holiday, taking his credit card, only working 2 days a month to pay for things for herself and expecting gifts when she came home, oh and not getting him a gift

To be fair, the holiday was nice, but it was still work caring for DD. She still needed to be kept safe, fed, clothed, hygiened, entertained, carried, put to bed… Some of those things are normally part of DH’s routine, and he didn’t have to do them while we were gone. It’s nice to have some child free time every once in a while, and I’m glad he could… but that did free up some of his time.

I didn’t expect the house to be “spotless.” If he had done maybe half of it, I would have been very pleased and relieved, I think. And I said the animal hunt he did for DD was cute, and that it’s silly of me to expect a gift.

We adopted them mostly together during our relationship. One was adopted while I was away for training, and another I got on my own to keep with my at my flat near school, but she ended up staying at our house with the others because she was lonely during the day, and DH is her favourite person. The third was adopted together. We had four at several points, but fights kept breaking out, so we had to rehome a couple and keep it at three.

We love them, but I think someday we will either become a 0 or 1 dog household, and we’ll look for one that doesn’t shed so much.

We have tried to kick them out of the bed, but they don’t stay out of it.

It sounds like you resent your husband because he wasn’t the one looking after your daughter.

Surely all of the things you mention doing for your daughter should be second nature by now and not some kind of working duty of yours, you’re her mother not her childminder for goodness sake.

You was on a nice holiday getaway and your husband was in the real world trying to graft for his family while you lapped it up in the sunshine and you are unhappy because the house was not cleaned to your standards.

Just as you are arguing that your husband was relinquished of being a parent for the duration of the holiday, he could argue that your duties to keep the home clean were relinquished whilst you was on holiday, so surely you are both equal in that regard.

You should have been back from the holiday feeling reenergised, recharged and ready to pour some extra love into your home and your husband, to feel grateful that you are in a position to take your DD to see and travel the world is what you should be happy in thought of, instead you are ruminating on such trivial matters.

Please take a moment to think about what you are doing and the affects it has on others like your DD and husband, learn mindfulness and a more grateful attitude and I guarantee you will be happier in your life.

There’s been a couple occasions where I’ve gone away and come back to a sparkling clean home and no laundry to do. I guess I was hoping for that, but not really expecting.

I do appreciate when we go out to eat, but it’s not the same thing as remembering some niche thing I briefly mentioned I liked and him remembering it and seeking it out for me, which is what I actually love about his gifts, moreso than the objects themselves.

I didn’t “take” his credit card; he told me to put some things on it so we would get miles/points. I was planning on paying for the whole thing myself. And my earnings aren’t all spent on me; like I said, I sometimes get gifts for DH, book us holidays, or pay for nice birthday parties. (Last year I booked DH a weekend getaway so I could set up a huge surprise party for his return.) The job that I do also gives our family a lot of benefits that we would have to get elsewhere if I didn’t do it.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to have my own savings, either. What if he divorced me, and I needed to provide for myself for a while and pay a solicitor to secure my half of the marital assets and custody of DD? What if he suddenly dies? What if we have an emergency like a foundation problem, and we need to tap into that money?

I can’t believe this is the same person who was not happy with the lady whose seat was being kicked because her daughter was bored and now she isn’t happy because her husband didn’t buy her a present because she had been away on a 10 day holiday.

At first day off together step in early and insist that all three of you will do a quick Spring Clean.
Allocate DH to do three loads of washing and take what doesn't fit onto the clothes line to the Laundrette, with DD.
You throw out rubbish, including from the fridge.
Tidy up and hoover.
Decide then who will mop floors, clean toilets, put bins out, mow the lawn and fold clean washing.
Order pizzas in and finish the day with looking at holiday photos and watching a favourite film.

This makes much more sense now and paints a clear picture of what kind of person this is.

Ah, I see. So he CAN do it but chooses not to. That’s unfair to you.

just sending best wishes

Er-because he’s an adult?

@HuffleMyPuffle why so rude to the OP? Your comments have nothing to do with the thread. It’s people like you that make this a nasty site sometimes, just no need for it.

Ignoring the nit picking and people going to fish out details from previous posts...

I think it sounds very lazy indeed of him, that he couldn't manage to strip the beds, hoover a couple of times and do his own laundry. Yes, he's had to go to work, but he hasn't had to do anything else (I don't count looking after the dogs as presumably they are HIS dogs too).

It's two or three hours work over 10 days.

It feels like a lot more than that when you come home knackered from a 'hard work' holiday (rather than a 'relax and do nothing' holiday) with a load of stinky laundry to do of your own. I absolutely get why you're pissed off.

Because the OP has complained about every single part of the holiday
She complained about someone being annoyed on the flight whilst her daughter kicked their seats
She complained her 3 year old daughter was bored on a long camping trip trekking around America where the only thing for said 3 year old was apparently a zoo one day and it was nearly freezing cold at night and 3 year old was just being carried around like luggage and OP wouldn't get to do some things because said 3 year old was tired and wanted to go home

And now she's complaining because DH hasn't cleaned up to her standard and hasn't brought her a gift (she says she knows she's being silly but also keeps going on about it) even though she didn't buy him anything

Sometimes people need their shitty attitude pointing out to them.

I don’t resent him, especially not for having to bring DD with me on my trip. He works hard to provide for us, and that means he can’t be home to look after DD as much as I can/do. That also means that if I wanna go off and frolic in the mountains, she’s got to come with me, and that leaves him alone after work with some free time. That’s fine. I hope he enjoyed it. But if I have to come home and work extra hard to catch up on housework, I didn’t actually “relinquish” that responsibility for the 10 days. I just postponed it, and now it’s accumulated.

Caring for a child can become second nature to a parent, but that doesn’t mean it’s not work to do it. If it wasn’t work, we wouldn’t pay childcare providers to do it. It’s tiring to do on your own for long periods of time, too. You honestly don’t sound like a parent if you don’t agree.

I did mention he’s going on his own holiday, with his other, adult child and sans toddler, while I’m going away to work, so I don’t think it’s unfair that I got to go on mine… I’m normally happy to care for my home and family; it’s just stressful when so much needs to get done on a short timeline, and I could use some support.

They’re misrepresenting the situation entirely. The woman seated in front of DD was shouting and literally cursing at her, another child, and the flight attendant. DD wasn’t intentionally kicking the seat; there was about 2 cm of space between her toes and the seat back, and she was accidentally touching it every time she wiggled to try to get comfortable. I was doing everything I could think of to try to prevent that, and to keep her quiet when she was crying because she was thirsty.

I wrote about someone cussing out my child, another child, and a flight attendant.

I wrote that I felt guilty that my child kept asking to go home early, and I didn’t cancel the rest of the trip. There were more things for her to do than just the zoo. We maintained a comfortable temperature. She had the opportunity to hike alongside me whenever she wanted; she just preferred to be carried. She evidently enjoyed herself because she asked to do it again; she was just a little homesick. If you read the responses of many of the other posters, you’ll see that their children get homesick on trips too.

I don’t know why people keep saying DH didn’t “clean to my standard.” He didn’t clean at all. Maybe he didn’t think to do it; maybe he was too tired after work. Whatever the reason is, the house is gross, and now I’m playing catch up. I wouldn’t have to keep talking about expecting a gift if posters would stop mentioning it. That’s kind of how a conversation works.

I absolutely loathe people like you, where you’ll insult someone or deliberately misrepresent what they’ve said, and then deride them for defending themselves. That’s is disgusting behavior, and I hope that karma comes back to you.

But you couldn't even work out a way to squeeze in a small gift for you when you were the one that went away?

Our bags were jam packed. As I said, our checked and carry on luggage barely zipped. It was difficult to get what we needed from our personal item bags on the plane (and according to other MN, apparently you’re supposed to have EVERYTHING your child could possibly want or need on the plane to keep them silent and motionless at the ready!) Anything that I saw that DH would have liked was too big to fit, and we don’t buy little tchotchkes that are just going to sit around the house collecting dust for the sake of it.

The airline allowed 1 carry on item and 1 personal item per person; whoever commented that I could have just carried on the gift in the bag it came in is unfortunately mistaken.

Can someone link the thread? Sounds interesting

here:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5333498-airplane-drama?page=32&reply=144472529

Are you going to be nasty, or fair about it?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5338385-dd-keeps-asking-to-go-home-whilst-on-holiday?page=1

There’s that one too. My expectations are very low from this crowd.