To be disappointed that DH didn’t clean when I was on holiday?

[FairPlayer274]

I just got back from a 10 day holiday with my DD. DH didnt go because he couldn’t take off work, doesn’t particularly like camping, and has bad seasonal allergies. Before I left, I made sure that the house was clean, the laundry was done, the dogs had been to their regular vet appointments and were stocked up on meds, etc. On my way home, I thought DH would have surprised me by having kept up with the laundry and cleaning, and probably have gotten me a gift or two, as he usually does when I go away for long periods of time. Just as like an expression of “I missed you and I’m glad you’re home!”

Well… He did his dishes, but that’s about it. He said he didn’t leave things lying around, but I noticed a few of his things out. His hamper is full again, the house is dirty, and he complained that our bedding is gross (it needs to be done basically twice weekly because the dogs are always sleeping there.) He didn’t get me any gifts, but he did purchase 24 little, squishy animal toys and hide them around the house for DD to find, which she has delighted in and I thought was cute.

I was also exhausted from traveling and caring for a child on my own for 10 days and extremely touched out, and we stayed up late waiting for him to get home so DD could see him. He recognized my mood, but he didn’t make any effort to put DD to bed, either, which I thought was a bit inconsiderate.

I’m torn. On one hand, the house upkeep is my responsibility, as the financial provision is his, and he did encourage me to put some of the trip expenses on the credit card he usually pays off. And if I’m off having a holiday, maybe he should get to come home from work and do whatever he wants, too. Enjoy the child-free time, you know?

On the other hand… It’s very difficult for me to catch up on 10 days worth of cleaning and laundry, especially when I need to be preparing for a two-week work trip starting June 1st, and if he was relived from childcare for 10 days, he would have had a lot of free time to get some cleaning done. It makes me not want to go on future holidays, knowing how much I have to do when I get back. He’s also going on holiday with his older DD (she’s 18 and off at uni in another country; he’ll go to visit with her there and then they’re going to tour Portugal) in a few days, so I kind of feel like he’s getting the equivalent time off, you know?

There’s also the fact that he invited me out to lunch today and I declined because I have a lot of work to do at home and for my job (where I kind of hinted that the house is dirty because he hasn’t cleaned in 10 days) and he took that personally, like I didn’t want to spend time with him. He “joked” that he should be my #1 priority. It was… frustrating in a weird, hard, saddening kind of way. I wanted to cry over it. I’ve been jet lagged and overwhelmed by everything (also I think I forgot to take my meds) so I haven’t gotten much done today anyway. Mad at myself for it. Digging myself in deeper, I know.

I know I’m being entitled about the gift, but it also kind of feels like he’s not putting as much effort into “wooing” me as he used to. So I do feel disappointed and kind of worried about it, even if I know there’s no reason I should expect a gift. Also I didn’t bring him anything back from the trip, but that was because I didn’t have any spare room in our luggage, with all the gear and clothing we needed to bring, not for lack of consideration.

Thoughts?

Expecting a gift because you are on holiday?

He wears quite a lot of clothing in a day. Usually professional clothes (though those go to the dry cleaners), casual clothes, gym clothes, and sometimes pajamas. Usually colder weather brings about more laundry, as we wear more layers and longer sleeves/trousers.

Because he loves and missed me and that’s how he usually expresses it. But like I said, I shouldn’t be upset about it

And you wear everything only once?

You sound a bore tbh.

I go away on trips from a couple of days to a week or two quite frequently, leaving young adult sons at home. They always keep on top of the laundry, keep the place tidy, clean up in the kitchen as they go, and clean the bathroom and hoover throughout before I get home.

I did have to set expectations the first time, but if "useless" young men of 20 and 22, can do it, at the same time a doing shift work...

On this occasion I would leave his laundry for him to do. I wouldn't be doing any of it for him.

Everyone knows holidays with small children are far from relaxing, and your camping and hiking trip sounds absolutely exhausting. He shouldn't have let the housework pile up. Communicate, ask him what you need him to do around the house, to get things back to normal and definitely have a conversation about what your expectations are for what he needs do around the place when you're away next. A counsellor I saw years ago told me how important it was to communicate expectations and see where you align or don't and then work on those areas. And if you want a little gift or flowers, I would ask for that too, in a 'I really love it when you get me a gift/flowers etc, please can you do that when I go away again?'

A holiday from parenting? Is that actually a thing? Not exactly the same as an actual holiday, you know where you don't go to work.

I can’t believe that people think just because he is working he shouldn’t have to do basic cleaning of his own space. If he lived alone he occasionally have to run a hoover around and change the sheets. Of course he should have done that while OP was away. Yes he was working but he also didn’t have and family or child responsibilities for that time. Pretty poor to complain the sheets smell (so he did notice) but couldn’t be arsed to do anything about it and just left it for the OP to deal with. Not on

Tbf you work 2 days a month and your income goes on yourself, savings or the occasional gift for him. You've had a holiday, and expect him to clean the house (your role) whilst your away. When he goes on holiday with his older daughter are you getting a job to pay for living expenses whilst he's away? (His role) or will he be covering that?

The bar for men is shockingly low, and getting lower every day. I expect better from teen dc when I'm at work and they're at home from college.

Sounds like most of your problems stem from letting the dogs into your bed and every room in the house. Gross.

He is lazy and doesn’t cherish you.

You sound like hard work. Your poor husband. He goes to work while you are away on a lovely holiday with your daughter and you see your holiday as “childcare duties”. And he made the effort to make your DD happy by buying her a coming home gift and you’re complaining because the house wasn’t spotless whilst he had to work knowing you’re away on holiday relaxing.

How sad. YABU

It might be they don't want that. I was surprised when I was a kid to find out that most people sleep with their pets. Some news reports/science journals say dogs live longer if they sleep with their owners, and it helps the human sleep better, lowers blood pressure, stress, and reduces the chance of allergies in later life. I didn't have a dog for my babies, maybe should have got one before getting pregnant. Oh well. Suppose the dog hairs would only be somewhere else too if OP had them downstairs, with an extra lot of stuff to clean!

If he lived alone he occasionally have to run a hoover around and change the sheets.

I doubt it, he’d employ a cleaner.

he complained that our bedding is gross (it needs to be done basically twice weekly because the dogs are always sleeping there

Oh yuck. That's grim. Don't let them sleep there then. Are they originally your dogs? I bet they are.

And how many women would do nothing for 10 days just because their partner was away

Me, for one.

It should never be one partner's responsibility to clear up after another adult, regardless of whether you work or not. But you also do in fact work. So I don't understand how you've even come to that classic (weird, unpaid domestic servant) arrangement anyway.

You went away, and he couldn't wash his pants and bedsheets, or do more than clean a bit of mucky crockery? And he pissed and moaned about stinky sheets? What a catch he is.

Sounds like lots of the problems stem from OP making hard work of housework

Like letting the dogs everywhere so the bed needs changing TWICE a week!
And leaving fur everywhere apparently
And cleaning around the house 2 rooms a day
And seemingly wearing clothes just once

Restrict where the dogs are allowed, trim back just how much you clean (seriously, you don't need to deep clean every room every week, the hoover takes an hour max and dusting about the same), wear clothes more than once unless visibly stained or smelly

She left a clean house for him. Of course he should tidy up after himself. Yes, that includes cleaning toilets, changing sheets, and doing his own washing. What sort of partner welcomes you back from a holiday with steaming laundry hampers and complaints about doggy sheets?

Sounds like lots of the problems stem from OP making hard work of housework

Yes, this.

I find your post a bit weird, op.

why did you think he might have cleaned the house when you knew he wouldn’t? You said that you were hoping he would “surprise” you, which means that you are fully comprised of his M.o.

You say he didn’t buy you a gift or pamper you, but he asked you out to lunch - which you declined.

And he gave her the credit card to spend on holiday. Swings and round abouts

It is weird he didn’t keep it at a reasonable level of clean as an adult. I think I would let it go. Maybe next round organise a cleaner to come in the day before you return, knowing he is a bit of a slob.