To be disappointed that DH didn’t clean when I was on holiday?

[FairPlayer274]

I just got back from a 10 day holiday with my DD. DH didnt go because he couldn’t take off work, doesn’t particularly like camping, and has bad seasonal allergies. Before I left, I made sure that the house was clean, the laundry was done, the dogs had been to their regular vet appointments and were stocked up on meds, etc. On my way home, I thought DH would have surprised me by having kept up with the laundry and cleaning, and probably have gotten me a gift or two, as he usually does when I go away for long periods of time. Just as like an expression of “I missed you and I’m glad you’re home!”

Well… He did his dishes, but that’s about it. He said he didn’t leave things lying around, but I noticed a few of his things out. His hamper is full again, the house is dirty, and he complained that our bedding is gross (it needs to be done basically twice weekly because the dogs are always sleeping there.) He didn’t get me any gifts, but he did purchase 24 little, squishy animal toys and hide them around the house for DD to find, which she has delighted in and I thought was cute.

I was also exhausted from traveling and caring for a child on my own for 10 days and extremely touched out, and we stayed up late waiting for him to get home so DD could see him. He recognized my mood, but he didn’t make any effort to put DD to bed, either, which I thought was a bit inconsiderate.

I’m torn. On one hand, the house upkeep is my responsibility, as the financial provision is his, and he did encourage me to put some of the trip expenses on the credit card he usually pays off. And if I’m off having a holiday, maybe he should get to come home from work and do whatever he wants, too. Enjoy the child-free time, you know?

On the other hand… It’s very difficult for me to catch up on 10 days worth of cleaning and laundry, especially when I need to be preparing for a two-week work trip starting June 1st, and if he was relived from childcare for 10 days, he would have had a lot of free time to get some cleaning done. It makes me not want to go on future holidays, knowing how much I have to do when I get back. He’s also going on holiday with his older DD (she’s 18 and off at uni in another country; he’ll go to visit with her there and then they’re going to tour Portugal) in a few days, so I kind of feel like he’s getting the equivalent time off, you know?

There’s also the fact that he invited me out to lunch today and I declined because I have a lot of work to do at home and for my job (where I kind of hinted that the house is dirty because he hasn’t cleaned in 10 days) and he took that personally, like I didn’t want to spend time with him. He “joked” that he should be my #1 priority. It was… frustrating in a weird, hard, saddening kind of way. I wanted to cry over it. I’ve been jet lagged and overwhelmed by everything (also I think I forgot to take my meds) so I haven’t gotten much done today anyway. Mad at myself for it. Digging myself in deeper, I know.

I know I’m being entitled about the gift, but it also kind of feels like he’s not putting as much effort into “wooing” me as he used to. So I do feel disappointed and kind of worried about it, even if I know there’s no reason I should expect a gift. Also I didn’t bring him anything back from the trip, but that was because I didn’t have any spare room in our luggage, with all the gear and clothing we needed to bring, not for lack of consideration.

Thoughts?

@Koalafan do you also find it funny that the household income pays for the household living expenses?

Because I really can't understand why that would amuse you? It's just how the majority of households work. Unless, of course, you have a different view on how income and outgoings in a partnership work?

There isn’t a household income. One person earns all the money that keeps the household afloat.

I find your inability to stop projecting beyond your own situation quite funny.
I also find your repeated sarcastic comments to anyone with a different yet equally valid view immensely funny.
HTH

Exactly. Some folk are projecting their own different situation on to OPs situation.

Well that's an odd way to view a marriage, rather than as a partnership and team. Also speaks volumes to your views on SAHPs.

Would the one person be able to earn all the household income without the others unpaid contribution? Or might there be other expenses to consider, and an inability to progress as easily in their role, if they were equally responsible for the children?

PP didn't say money was the only thing which kept the house afloat. Clearly, both monetary and non-monetary actions are important. If he earns most of the money through paid work then it's not unreasonable that other tasks fall to OP. Again, this isn't the same as your situation, remember that.

I am not the one projecting. You are screaming your views on SAHPs (which I am not, so not actually projecting, again, learn what it means if you're going to accuse people of things) with your comments and then pretending you don't have those views because you didn't say the exact words.

I do, however, pity you, given your views on how household income should work, because if you suddenly found yourself unable to contribute financially you'll obviously therefore be penniless because there isn't a household income, just individuals (your agreement with the PP is where you said this, in case you want to deny that too).

Bye.

It says nothing whatsoever about my views on SAHPs. Your posts, however speak volumes about your objectivity when reading what other people write and your ability to construe things that aren’t there.

That is, in fact, the household income...

I've just remembered where I recognise your username from and that there is no way to have a healthy debate, so I will be off now.

Sigh.
You are projecting.
You are not allowing different views.
You are suggesting things were said which weren't.
Stop trying to put others down to make yourself sound better.
It's so tiresome.

Why don't you two have an actual fucking conversation, with each other, I mean, not with strangers on Mumsnet? Then, hire a cleaner, fix the bathroom window and move on. Problem solved.

Adding that I don't think this is about the household division of labour really, but you two not having any apparent real communication. By appearances, he's being passive-aggressive because you went away, you're being a martyr in response, you haven't told him how you feel, he's issuing lunch invites and you're crying because you can't go due to a rod you've made for your own back, he's hidden 24 gifts for your DD but doesn't want to be involved in putting her to bed, you want gifts that he's not bought...

The whole thing seems like a miserable dance of unexpressed needs, wants and anger, and looks like a crap relationship to be modelling for your child.

Maybe consider putting some of the travel funds towards marriage counselling.

The house will still get dirty while we’re away, though significantly less so when the dogs get boarded. We do go on holiday together most of the time, but we also like different things, so we’ll go apart, occasionally.

In a marriage, all income generated and assets begotten during the marriage belongs to both spouses. We each have 100% ownership of his earnings, and 100% ownership of my earning, even if we jointly decide that a portion of his will go to providing for the household and paying bills, and that mine should go to savings and non-essentials.

I have offered, on multiple occasions, to drain my savings account in order to afford an emergency expense, but he always declined because he wants me to have “my own” money. And it’s not like he doesn’t have his own savings or get to spend any of his income on things just for him, either.

Also, as I said, my job gives our family other benefits besides just income. We got an extremely below-market interest rate on our mortgage, for example.

It is disappointing to come back to a dirty house after a long trip, OP so I do sympathise but you don’t sound like you are communicating well.
Why did you not ASK your husband to do the laundry, change the bedding, water the plants and ensure kitchens and bathrooms are clean for when you come home? Why hope for it and then allow yourself to be disappointed? That’s a recipe for disaster.
His lunch offer was an olive branch to make up to you but you rejected it and decided to martyr yourself. Why didn’t you just say, “if you can help me clean the house we can both go to lunch happy” and tackle it together?
I think you are playing slightly dangerous games with your husband. And perhaps you value a clean house more than he does, so maybe that’s something to talk about.
if I were you, I’d organise to have the locks fixed on the bathroom windows, employ a cleaner and or buy a robot vacuum cleaner, and get a stair gate installed to prevent the dogs going upstairs.
I think these things will take a lot of the strain and unhappiness out of your domestic arrangements.

Well thats also not unpaid. He pays for all their living expenses and gives her his credit card to spend on. Id love it if my employer did that.

You seem to be confusing life partner sharing family money, with a boss who employs you and pays you for a set amount of hours. But okay.

Why?

Well, the point of the post was to figure out if I should even bring it up, or just get on with it. I didn’t want to start a row or make a fuss if I was being unreasonable. I don’t think he was being passive aggressive by not cleaning; I think he was just tired and didn’t want to and didn’t think I would be mad if he didn’t.

And the whole thing with the lunch is about him moping if the house isn’t spotless while also wanting me to spend time out of the house with him and taking it personally when I decline. It’s not fair, because I can’t be in two places at once. We have talked about that before, though it doesn’t seem to be sinking in.

I think the thing is that your posts and your story are a jumble of unexpressed, unmet, needs and wants.

If you know or recognise that he's too tired to clean, why did you expect it and why were you disappointed? And on the flip side, if he cares so much about cleanliness, why was he happy to live in apparent filth when you were gone?

Everyone has different priorities. I mean, the thing that jumped out at me from your whole post was that after ten days or whatever it was, he didn't want to put your dd to bed - that would be mine in your shoes.

The gifts and the 'wooing'. Well, no, I'm sure he's not putting as much into it as he once did. Because you're grownups with responsibilities and a kid. Which doesn't mean you can't still have a fulfilling romantic relationship, but does mean that energy is going elsewhere. I'm sure at some earlier point you would have found a way to make lunch work.

You don't actually seem too interested in solutions, but in case you are, again, my advice:

-Have some real conversations about how you feel. It doesn't matter if yabu. It's how you feel and it's affecting your marriage. Just be prepared for the fact that he might have some feelings too that you might not love.
-Combine your finances. Ditch the 'his supports the family, mine is pin money' shit. You're both earning adults with a mutual child and mutual household/family responsibility. Throw it all in a pot together and make mutual decisions.
-Get some marriage counselling
-Hire a cleaner

You know how sometimes you didn’t know you were expecting something until you realize you didn’t get it/it didn’t happen, and then you feel disappointment or relief? It’s like that. I didn’t ask him to clean because I didn’t think of it, and then he didn’t clean, and I came home to a dirty house. Now I know to request it next time. NBD.

He hates doing housework more than he hates living in a dirty house, apparently. Or was just too tired after work to be arsed.

I don’t want us to stop wooing one another, or do less of it. That feels like a fast track to a loveless marriage. I’ve gone to eat with him before instead of cleaning, and then he’ll come home later and mope because the cleaning isn’t done. He needs to pick one or the other and stop punishing me for whatever I pick.

No, the fastest track to a loveless marriage is coming onto a website to complain instead of having a productive conversation with your partner. You don't seem to want to engage with any of the multiple solutions offered by me or many others and keep basically repeating the same thing over and over. You have options, you're choosing not to take them.

You mentioned love languages earlier, which I think are kind of silly, but if you want to communicate that way, why don't you tell him that yours is coming home to a clean house and a husband who is delighted to whisk dd off for a bath, story and bed? He can respond that his is for you to drop everything and go out to lunch with him and you can explain that you find that difficult when you have the house to deal with and then try to find solutions together.

Personally, we've chosen to outsource the drudgery that neither of us wanted to deal with and have never looked back. I'd choose lunch with my husband over scrubbing the bathroom any day and am free to as someone else is in charge of the scrubbing.

By wooing, you seem to mean gifts, which I'm finding odd. How many pieces of cheap tat, or diamond bracelets or even Ferraris can a person want? Yes, well chosen thoughtful gifts can be lovely, but if a constant stream of them is wooing to you, you're going to either end up very disappointed or on an episode of Hoarders.

@4444223e “wooing” doesn’t just mean gifts. It means the whole spectrum of love languages: doing stuff like giving a massage, cuddling, hand holding, caresses (physical touch,) telling each other how you feel or what you like about them, giving compliments, flirting (words of affirmation), doing things together or being in the same room even if doing different activities, being present and focused on each other (quality time), taking the load off your partner where you can or doing sweet things for them (acts of service.)

I was never a person who like receiving gifts before I was with DH (my primary languages for both “giving” and “receiving” love are physical touch and words of affirmation) But his gifts, which aren’t always expensive, are special to me because they show he pays close attention to the things that make me happy, and that he’s thinking of me when we’re apart. Like I could mention that I like stroop waffles, and six months later if he sees them in a shop, he’ll bring them home for me. Or if I mention wanting to run at night but find holding a flashlight annoying, he’ll get me a headlamp. Things like that make me feel really loved now. I try to do the same.

His “receiving” love language is quality time and acts of service, so I can totally understand why he would be hurt by me declining invitations to go out or if all the housework isn’t finished, and I’d much rather spend time with him than be at home working. But I can’t stand the moping, either. I tried to talk to him about how he’s not being fair with that, and he basically cracked a joke and wormed his way out of the conversation. He does that a lot.

So what are you planning to do about it? Other than post a lot on Mumsnet?

Last time he was moping at home, I physically avoided him so as to “let him have his feelings” without being infected by his energy. He didn’t like that. I think that’s probably what I’ll have to do again, if I can’t get him to actually talk about things.